Sangama, an old Indian dude with a stereotypically old-dude-long-white beard laid in his bed as his two favorite sons rushed in to give him the great news. Besides saving a lot of money on their car insurance, they had finally established rulership in their own kingdom. It had been a long journey for Bukka and Harihara, Sangama's two favorite sons by default because history does not remember his three other sons' names. Their journeys did not stop at Vijayanagara's founding either. The larger the kingdom grew, the more issues they faced. Few people realize that Biggy and Diddy jacked a little known Bukka saying translated from Sanskrit: "Mo' money, mo' problems."
It began with an encounter with sultan Muhammad b. Tughluq's troops. The Sangama brothers were in the town of Anegundi. Besides being great warriors, who traveled in search of land to conquer, they also enjoyed partying. And everyone knows that Anegundi on the banks of the Tungabhadra River was the bitchin’est place since Daytona Beach circa 1268.
So they arrived for wine, women, and well, land- even if land doesn’t begin with a ‘w’. They were not constricted by alliteration, most likely because they didn’t speak English. Tughluq’s troops were on the corner of Jefferson and Ashoka Drive making anti-gay jokes about the two brothers and generally acting like dicks. This offended the brothers, but for different reasons. Harihara was a pig-headed prick and balked whenever someone would question his “manhood.” Research shows that his “manhood” was whatever the Sanskrit word for little and deserved to be questioned, if you know what I mean. He had a small penis, that’s what I mean. His younger brother Bukka was offended because he was gay. Why not? It’s not like being gay is a new thing. Like ten percent of people are gay, so some famous people have gotta be. So why not Bukka, the second king of the Vijayanagara Dynasty?
Anyway, there was a scuffle and the brothers lost. In the old days, warriors use to fight in a technique called “swords”. This involved smacking each other’s penises together as if they were swords. Guys know what I’m talking about. Despite being outnumbered, you already know why Harihara lost. Small penis.
The two brothers consequently converted to Islam to aid their prospects. It worked, and they took advantage of the sultan’s inability to keep control of his newly acquired empire. People didn’t like the sultan because he was way too sarcastic. I mean a little sarcasm is nice, but so much sarcasm? Feh. So numerous ministers’ revolted, causing dissention and a loss of control of the empire. Sultan Tughluq installed locals to rule throughout his kingdom. The Sangama boys were installed in Anegondi. They slapped each other five, which was good enough to constitute a full conversion back to Hinduism back in those days. I’m not questioning their religious fervor; it was a firm high five.
Tughluq’s kingdom fell apart and that’s when we meet the two brothers giving their father the good news.
When Harihara became king, the first, his city was not yet Vijayanagara. It was located across the river in Anegundi- party central. But the sulfuric smell coming from the Upper Deccan ruled by the Bahmani sultanate was too much. Many fat people lived in the Upper Deccan and they farted way too much. If you know South Indian wind patterns, then you can see why Bukka was forced to move the capital city of Vijayanagara, hahaha, delicious.
Backtracking a bit, the two brothers heard that their father died in 1338, just two short years after establishing the new kingdom. Maybe, they didn’t really know when they established it. Sometimes they thought they founded it in 1334, but mostly 1336. As in accordance with local tradition, the two royal brothers gave their guiding light the proper respect by urinating on his grave. Ok, ok, that’s not true at all. Everyone knows Hindus are cremated.
Bukka took over from his older insecure brother in 1356, upon Harihara’s death. Guess that small penis didn’t yield any children did it? It just occurred to me that I should have made Harihara gay, since he didn’t have any children. Let’s just say that Bukka and his significant other, Lance, adopted, and were very qualified parents. Bukka was the leader of what would become the largest single empire in Indian history and Lance was quite the good cook.
Bukka’s reign included a large increase in conquered land. His reign tragically ended when he fell down the stairs after hearing Lance cry, “Honey, speed skating is on the tv, that Bonnie Blair you hate so much is up,” and then frantically trying to witness the event. Why Bukka hated Bonnie Blair so much will have to remain another one of history’s mysteries.
Bukka’s son, Harihara II, took over afterwards in 1377. Incidentally, Harihara II was not named after his uncle, but Lance was actually a huge fan of Harry and the Hendersons. You know, I’m too young to be making these references. Was that even the name of the show and/or movie? Harry Anderson, was that the guy on Night Court?
And they lived happily ever after. The End.
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