Steroids for Everything

The line us baseball fans have been fed over the past couple of days is that Rafael Palmeiro is such a good person that it's sad that he tested positive for steroids. Palmeiro, who has over 500 career homeruns and 3,000 career hits, adamantly denied ever taking steroids in March in front of Congress. His denial has now become infamous; his stern glare in the direction of the
representatives, finger wagging in their direction as if he were lecturing them on something important, like their numerous acts of adultery.

The fact of the matter is that this is not a surprise in the least. Palmeiro, a decent hitter, has put up legendary numbers, and its not simply because of the futility of Tampa Bay Devil Ray pitching, though that's helped. Palmeiro takes steroids for everything, including his penis. He has been the national spokesperson for Viagra since his mid-30s. Can a man with a floppy penis possibly hit 500 homers without being on the juice. The virility of my penis leaves me with one conclusion, no.

Palmerio's mustache has always creeped me out as well. I mean are you a porn star or a truck driver or what? What's the deal with that thing? And what's with his name? I mean is he Mexican or Italian? Make up your mind.

As you could guess, I didn't feel that Palmeiro should make the Hall Of Fame before this scandal. Now he definitely should not. He was never a great hitter, despite the numbers. Derek Jeter doesn't put up nearly the stats that Palmeiro does, but it would be hard to argue that Sleepy Weewee is a better ball player.

Thus concludes my kicking yet another person while they're down. Of course, if I kicked Rafael Palmeiro in the groin, he wouldn't feel it, because his penis is dead, just like his soul.






Now I know why no man has really made fun of him for his ED. I'm gonna be nervous that karma will bite me in the, well, you know, for the next 60 years.