Answers I Wanted to Give

During my two days as a celebrity in the back woods (the cities only have a couple of million people in them) of China, I answered many questions from Chinese students and teachers. These are the answers that I gave and those that I wanted to give.

Do you like Chinese culture?
A: (Actual) Yes, I like the food and the people although some things have been hard to adjust to.
W: (Wished I had answered) Maybe if you all stopped hocking and spitting, if their wasn't garbage everywere, if you wiped your asses, and if you stopped eating chicken face, I wouldn't be too grossed out to think. Then maybe I could appreciate its beauty.

What are your hobbies?
A: Basketball, running, and watching tv.
W: Wiping my ass. You should try it.

Do you like American Country Music?
A: No. I like Hip Hop.
W: Fuck no.

Do you have a girlfriend?
A: No (blush).
W: Take off your shirt.

Do you like Chinese food?
A: Yes.
W: Eh.

Sing us an English song.
A: No, no, no. I am a bad singer. You don't want that.
W: Take off your shirt.

Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Beijing, Shijahuan, Xuzhou, Liangyungong, Xuyou.

Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Holy fuck you stupid dumbass! I just fucking answered that question! What the fuck is wrong with you retard! (Then I walk over to the little girl and punch her right in her fucking face, hock and spit)!

Do you know Chairman Mao? Tell us something about him.
A: Yes. Blah, blah blah, Long March... great general... blah bla blah.
W: 30 million people starved to death in like 2 years under his watch. Stop worshipping him you mindless boobs!

Taiwan?
A: Next question.
W: Taiwan should be independent.

You are lovely and handsome.
A: Thank you.
W: Meet me after class (wink, wink).

Do you know Yao Ming?
A: Yes, he is very tall.
W1: Of course I know of Yao Ming, what have I been in a cave for the last three years?
W2: Yes, all Americans are close personal friends with Yao Ming, jerkoff.

You are very humorous.
A: Thank you.
W: You talk like you're from the 1920s. Nobody talks like that numbnuts.


I'm glad to get that off my chest. I taught one lesson on a "great man and woman" in American history. I chose Martin Luther King and Harriet Tubman.

I was asked who my favorite actor was. They had never heard of Denzel Washington.

They've all heard of the NBA, but not too many know of the New York Knicks. I've been promoting them heavily. Pay me.

In one class, I was asked which school I went to for college and which I go to for grad school. I wrote Goucher College and George Mason University on the black board. Pay me or at least do something for me. After all, I shit like money.

The last thing. The Chinese school official that talks like James Earl Jones was talking to Sherkhan about the fact that their skin color is similar. James Earl Jones told Sherkhan that he should travel to Africa. Sherkhan asked why. James (ironically) said that it was because Sherkhan could then be proud that his skin was lighter than the Africans. It took me a second to understand what he was saying. I whispered to Sherkhan, "did he just say..." Sherkhan answered that he had said what I though I heard, but told me not to argue, because he wouldn't understand. Sherkhan should go to Africa because his skin would be lighter than the Africans. What the fuck?

Sherkhan also told me that one student told him "I thought that Americans were tall, white, and handsome." He wasn't so offended, except for the handsome part. He complained to me, "What, I'm not handsome?"

You are Sherkhan, you are.