Poor Larry Johnson

Ex-NFL running back Larry Johnson is suffering these days. He believes he has CTE although it can only be confirmed after he dies. CTE results in headaches, memory loss, and violent urges. It can sometimes be blamed for violent actions, which is something Larry is no stranger to. He has been arrested multiple times, including for domestic abuse. But a new symptom of CTE has been discovered. Apparently the disease causes Larry Johnson to tweet made up anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. This symptom wasn't known until recently.

Larry has two preferred methods of anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.The first method is he makes up anti-Semitic quotes. I'm not going to share any, but I will share my own made up anti-Larry Johnson quotes:
"Larry Johnson's facial is actually just his own shaved butthole hairs that he glues onto his face." - The Bible.
"CTE is responsible for all of my personal failings." - Larry Johnson.

The other kind of anti-Semitic conspiracies Larry peddles in are where he mentions two unrelated things and implies that they are somehow related in an anti-Semitic way. Let me explain with an anti-Larry Johnson example:

"Larry Johnson played for Penn State at the same time pedophile Jerry Sandusky was raping children. I think we all know what that means..."

The implication of course is that Larry Johnson is a pedophile when in all likelihood the two statements are unrelated. Larry Johnson's dad, however, worked under Sandusky for a number of years. The head coach knew about the horrible abuse, but not Sandusky's direct understudy? Hmm. Where's Larry Johnson to make sense of it?

I tried to pull some numerology and come up with a way Larry Johnson is Satan, but when a crunched the numbers all I could come up with is that he is a sad lonely man whose use to society has long since passed. He could use his platform to help people, but instead he chooses to sit alone indignantly tweeting barely coherent conspiracies into the abyss.

He can't separate undeniable fact from inconvenient fiction, he can't remember entire sections of his life, but he, Larry Johnson, has been able to sift through the noise and find conspiracies that no one else can. Listen Larry, get the butthole hair off your face, delete your Twitter account, and help someone. Start with yourself.

Ami Horowitz's Biography as if Written and Edited by Ami Horowitz

Ami Horowitz's mother, an Israeli citizen, was pregnant with Ami during the Yom Kippur War. Ami's mother didn't fight in the Yom Kippur War. The Yom Kippur War didn't go well for the Israelis.

Ami was born in Los Angeles, where riots engulfed the city after the Rodney King verdict. He attended college at USC, which was implicated in college admissions bribery scandal. After college, Ami ran a Democratic candidate's campaign for state comptroller in Maryland. His candidate lost. It wasn't Ami's finest hour as few Democrats lose in Maryland.

Horowitz decided to leave public service in order to fill his wallet. He worked as an investment banker for Lehman Brothers. Lehman Brothers was one of the primary catalysts of the 2008 financial meltdown and had to cease operations after 158 years that same year.

Horowitz is now a filmmaker. His genres include absurdism, not-very-realistic fiction, and alternate reality. He can be found inventing no-go areas in Stockholm, places where supposedly Swedish police cannot venture because refugees have made it too dangerous. He has also seen wandering around Harlem harassing black people for their IDs which somehow proves that voter ID laws don't make it harder for poorer folks and the elderly to vote.

Horowitz describes his art as, "dishonestly... edited... because... these... arguments... would not... hold... up... in... an... honest... [intellectual]... debate." He likes dogs just like Hitler and drinks water like Stalin. Ami currently works for Prager University, which- in keeping with the nature of his work as a filmmaker- is not a university at all.

Though a conservative, in 2019 Horowitz ran ironically for president as a Democrat. It served as an enlightening social commentary when Stephen Colbert ran ironically in 2007. Unlike Colbert, Horowitz's campaign was barely noticed.

After his failed candidacy, Horowitz declared, "I am... a... horrible... person... without... morals... who is... using the... right [wing]... to... cash... in... after... my.... career... as a (sic)... investment banker... collapsed."

Horowitz lives in New York, which had been the epicenter of the coronavirus-2019 outbreak in the United States. Over 32,000 people have died because of the virus in the city and Horowitz resides there.  🤔

An Open Letter from Mark McCloskey

I'm Mark McCloskey. You may know me as the guy who valiantly defended his family and his community with a semi-automatic rifle in the face of menacing unarmed protesters. Others may know me as a high-priced lawyer slash sex symbol. I'm what's known as a DILF or a "Daddy."

You've heard THE MEDIA's side of the story. Now it's time you hear mine. I am the victim! I have been painted as a racist, but nothing could be further from the truth. I interact with many African American persons. I have counted seven such interactions within just the last six months alone!

When my wife Patricia and I moved into our current house, the community board assured us that there would be no more than three American American persons allowed in our gated community at any one time. This is not a racist policy. It's simply a safety precaution. Our community is a gated community and, as everyone knows, "gated" is actually an acronym. It's stands for:

Gno
Apeople
Tof
Ecolor
Dallowed

When my wife told me there was a troop of ni--, uh African Americans, she said African Americans, I instantly understood that we were in dire peril. We grabbed our guns and goosestepped outside in a hurry. I'm not a racist. I've had black clients and they love me. I would even go so far as to say they are my friends. Because they are my friends, I always make sure to charge them at least full price for the sake of their dignity. When my wife and I got outside, we were horrified. There was a racially diverse mix of individuals chanting, "Black Lives Matters!" My world was shaken, I became very uncomfortable, and I started sweating uncontrollably. Instantly, we knew that our lives did not matter to these THUGS! As everyone knows, lives mattering is a zero-sum game. If your life matters then by definition mine doesn't. I am a victim.

I'm not a racist. When I see an African American person, I always say, "Sup!" and try to do their weird handshake. But when I point a deadly weapon at one little peaceful protest then suddenly people are calling me the worst racist ever. It's like all those "Sups" and all the love of all those African American clients don't count. This is THE MEDIA at work.

If I had to do it all over again. I'd point my semi-automatic rifle at those peaceful protesters again. I have a right not to be inconvenienced. I have a right not to be confronted with uncomfortable truths. I am a victim.I have a right to describe myself as a DILF!

World Leader Power Rankings

Here's the new power rankings of world leaders. The last one was posted on April 25.

Rank	Leader	Country	Previous Rank
1	Jacida Ardern	New Zealand	1
2	Angela Merkel	Germany	5
3	Xi Jianping	China	2
4	Moon Jae-in	South Korea	4
5	Katrin Jakobsdottir	Iceland	8
6	Mette Frederiksen	Denmark	Not Ranked
7	Nguyen Phu Trong	Vietnam	9
8	Silveria Jacobs	St. Maarten	Not Ranked
9	Kim Jung-un	North Korea	Not Ranked
10	Shinzo Abe	Japan	7

1. Coronavirus continues to be the dominant issue int he world and Ardern has handled it best. She hasn't needed to be autocratic to do it either.

2. Merkel has risen from the political dead and handled the virus well thanks to her scientific background and her constant communication with her citizens.

3. Xi's fortunes have gone down after lying to the world about coronavirus and because of those concentration camps int he west aimed at Uyghurs.

4. South Korea continues to do well with battling coronavirus although tensions with North Korea are increasing.

5. Iceland has succeeded in the fight against coronavirus. Katrin doesn't get more credit because she runs an island nation with a small population.

6. Frederiksen has been another effective leader in containing coronavirus.

7. Vietnam is a surprising and resounding success in the fight against coronavirus and is a socialist state.

8. Silveria Jacobs has been given credit for keeping the virus from infecting her population too rapidly.

9. Kim has defeated coronavirus, allowing zero reported cases in North Korea. All hail Dear Leader! The crucial word is "reported." When your system of government is "cult of personality" it's easy to just lie. Tension with the South have increased. But Kim is alive, so he's back in the top ten.

10. Japan continues to fight effectively against the virus. Postponing the Olympics was a good decision.

A Love Letter to Ami Horowitz

OMG guys! Ami Horowitz is so hot!!! I love the way he gets those commie fascist libtards to self-own, like, themselves. I don't know if he has a wife or not but if he does, I'm sure she's redonkulously terrible. Just you know drop her, Ami.

You guys! I just thought of something. You know who should become a couple? Ami and Tomi Lauhren! They would be super adorbs! Squeeeee! They could like have a show together, The Tomi and Ami Show, where they like totes take down the abortion-loving snowflakes. Yo, there would be soooooooo much sexual tension! It would be sooooo good! How about it Fox Nation?

Top Ten Pound-for-Pound

Here's my pound-for-pound list. I take into account ability and accomplishment. The previous list was posted on December 28, 2019.

1. Saul Alvarez (53-1-2, 36 KOs) [1]
2. Vasiliy Lomachenko (14-1, 10 KOs) [2]
3. Naoya Inoue (19-0, 16 KOs) [3]
4. Terence Crawford (36-0, 27 KOs) [4]
5. Errol Spence (26-0, 21 KOs) [5]
6. Gennady Golovkin (40-1-1, 35 KOs) [6]
7. Olexandr Usyk (17-0, 13 KOs) [7]
8. Leo Santa Cruz (36-1-1, 19 KOs) [8]
9. Josh Taylor (16-0, 12 KOs) [9]
10. Jose Ramirez (25-0, 17 KOs) [10]

No changes in the list. January was a relatively slow month and then boxing stopped in early March because of the coronavirus-19.

World Leader Power Rankings

Here's the new power rankings of world leaders. The last one was posted on March 22.

Rank	Leader	Country	Previous Rank
1	Jacida Ardern	New Zealand	6
2	Xi Jingping	China	1
3	Lee Hsien Loong	Singapore	2
4	Moon Jae-in	South Korea	3
5	Angela Merkel	Germany	Not Ranked
6	Vladimir Putin	Russia	4
7	Shinzo Abe	Japan	9
8	Katrin Jakobsdottir	Iceland	Not Ranked
9	Nguyen Phu Trong	Vietnam	Not Ranked
10	Giorgi Gakharim	Georgia	Not Ranked

1. As coronavirs-19 continues to stay in the forefront of everything, Ardern has again succeeded. All the more impressive is that her country is doing so well as a democracy. She nipped it int he bud and didn't need to use the heavy-handed tactics of Xi in China.

2. For the first time since this list began, Xi has slipped out of the top spot. It seemed like only a new American president would be able to accomplish the feat, but Xi's covering up of the severity of the virus has been devastating to the world. It's hard to justify keeping him number one. Plus his buddy Kim Jong-un seems to be on death's door.

3. Lee has needed the tactics of an autocrat to battle the virus, but by most accounts, the country is fighting it effectively.

4. South Korea has been at the forefront of testing for the virus. Moon's country even sold the U.S. state of Maryland tests when the American federal government turned the state away.

5. Merkel has come a long way back up this list. Her scientific background and honest statements about what she knows and doesn't know has given her rave reviews.

6. While Putin has tried to extend his rule for life, the coronavirus may have other plans. Putin can control the media, but not the virus.

7. Abe hasn't been perfect and Japanese society tends to be disciplined and good at disasters, but the country has to be dealing with the virus well.

8. Iceland doesn't have too many people, but they're taken an active role in trying to help understand the virus. Katrin's country has also done well to staunch the spread of the virus.

9. Trong's Vietnam has also done well to combat the virus. Restrictions were eased without a single virus-related death.

10. Even the country of Georgeia has done better than some so-called developed nations.

Don't Judge Robin Vos Harshly

Robin Vos is the Speaker of the Wisconsin Assembly and has worked tirelessly to make sure that voters were allowed to come out and cast their ballots in person yesterday during the covid-19 pandemic.

"You are incredibly safe to go out," Vos told voters in his state. "Actually, there's less exposure here than you would get if you went to the grocery store, or if you went to Walmart, or you did any of the many things we have to do to live in the state of Wisconsin," Vos declared while covered from ears to toes in protective garb.

Vos is not the heartless asshole he appears to be. Yes, he pushed to have the election on Tuesday instead of at a later date in a cynical ploy to keep a conservative majority on the state supreme court. Ironically, the majority is important because a voting rights case is coming up and Vos is counting on a conservative majority on the court to purge the rolls of "less desirable" voters.

Ok, I know, that explanation didn't help. Vos looks like a maniacal killer now. If he cared so much about voting that he would force the citizens of his state to choose between their health and their right to vote, it doesn't really make sense that he would work so hard to disenfranchise voters. And don't tell me it has something to do with voter fraud, which is an infinitesimally small problem; it's about pushing a swing state red. I forgot where I was going with this.

So maybe Vos is a horrendous human being, placing party above people. But here are some fun facts about "Cruel Boss" Vos:

Vos lets out audible flatulence and then indignantly cries out, "What's that smell?" without a hint of self-awareness.

Vos parks in two handicap spaces at once- without a permit- because, "I was only going to be a minute."

Vos purposely leaves his fly down when he has meetings with women and then blames them for "sneaking a peak."

Vos and Reince Priebus have seen each other's dick... many, many times.

Vos proudly proclaims, "Marriage is between one man and one woman!" In his case, it's between one man and three women. But who's counting? I am. One, two, three.

Vos named his fantasy football team the "Racine Racists" in 2014 to "be ironic." You're a racist from Racine, Robin; that's not how irony works.

Vos told the voters of Wisconsin that it is incredibly safe to vote while wearing full protective gear! While trying to suppress citizens' right to vote!!

Governor Brian Kemp is Learning a Lot This Week

Brian Kemp, the governor of Georgia, recently purchased a Netflix subscription in mid-February. Since then, he's been catching up on all the binge-worthy tv shows he's missed and hasn't been able to stay up-to-date on all the latest happenings with the coronavirus. So, Kemp can be excused for saying, "Individuals can be infected and begin to spread coronavirus earlier than previously thought, even if they have no symptoms. Those individuals could have been infecting people before they ever felt bad," at a press conference yesterday announcing a stay at home order for his state. "We didn't know that until the last 24 hours."

The "we" in Governor Kemp's last sentence was of course, his cute corgi called Jefferson Davis Kemp, the only other creature on the planet who didn't know that asymptomatic people could spread the virus when Kemp gave his press conference.

Governor Kemp has received a lot of flack as a leader who literally didn't know the first thing about the pandemic ravaging his state, his country, and his world. Kemp took the criticism to heart. He has holed himself up in the governor's mansion and has set out to "fill in the gaps" of his knowledge base.

Obviously, the governor knows that Santa Claus isn't real, but within the last 24 hours, Kemp has learned that the Easter Bunny is also not real. He always assumed it was a Jewish conspiracy. It all dated back to when he was a kid and the Easter Bunny would give little boy Brian a basket of Easter candy. But when Brian grew up and procreated, he was distraught to discover that his own three children never received their Easter baskets of candy. He was told today that the Easter Bunny is not real, that parents typically supply the baskets of candy, and that there was no vast Jewish conspiracy to deprive his God-fearing Jesus-loving children of baby chicken-shaped marshmallow fluff.

Within the last day, Kemp has also learned that tomatoes aren't poisonous, it was the lead plates; vaccines don't cause autism, but they do prevent diseases; climate change is real and human-made; trickle-down economics doesn't work, it only perpetuates income inequality; and there isn't a hidden trove of quarters lodged behind his ear. It was all just sleight of hand... much like the appearance that he was a competent governor.

World Leader Power Rankings

Here's the new power rankings of world leaders. The last one was posted on December 20.

Rank	Leader	Country	Previous Rank
1	Xi Jiangping	China	1
2	Lee Hsien Loong	Singapore	Not Ranked
3	Moon Jae-in	South Korea	Not Ranked
4	Vladimir Putin	Russia	2
5	Kim Jong-un	North Korea	4
6	Jacinda Ardern	New Zealand	5
7	Abiy Ahmed	Ethiopia	6
8	Paul Kagame	Rwanda	Not Ranked
9	Shinzo Abe	Japan	Not Ranked
10	Narendra Modi	India	Not Ranked

1. Coronavirus-2019 has been declared a global pandemic and has preoccupied much fo the world's attention. Xi was slipping due to his treatment of the Uyghurs and for his failure to nip this virus int he bud, but his draconian lockdown has helped stop the spread of the virus in China, which is a very good thing.

2. Lee has order a two-week quarantine of Singapore. It helps to be able to make orders and lead a rich country during a crisis.

3. Moon;'s South Korea has taken an innovative approach to testing for the coronavirus, which has helped the country.

4. Putin is another autocrat who has taken swift action to try to stop the spread of the virus.

5. U.S. President Donald Trump has bungled his response to the coronovirus so badly, he's asking Kim for help.

6. Just as she's done with pretty much everything else, Ardern has done well thus far handling the virus.

7. Ahmed, who wont he Nobel Peace Prize despite some rising unpopularity at home, has led the effort to distribute coronavirus material gifted to the continent by Jack Ma.

8. Kagame has taken the virus seriously and encouraged handwashing. he also has shutdown some key areas to help stop the spread of the virus.

9. Abe oversees a country that is also doing their part to try to slow the spread of the virus.

10. Amazingly, India has yet to be overrun by the disease. If it happens, it will be disastrous.