The Babies are Growing

My babies are growing up. My daughter has extreme stranger danger which is heightened whenever she encounters life-size Santa decorations in the neighborhood. I've taught her well.

They're so big now that when I kiss their cheeks, I don't automatically poke them in the eye with my nose.

On Tuesday, they knocked me down, pulled my shirt up and tried to give me a pink belly. They're too weak to do any real damage, but I was pretty surprised that they were able to get me into that position.

Explaining the Liberian Civil War to My 4-Month Old

While changing her diaper, I explained that we have to take cultural relativism into account. We cannot fairly criticize the brutality of the soldiers in the war from a place of stability and peace that we enjoy. We can be shocked by man's inhumanity to man, but we must withhold condemnation.

Then she farted on me and smiled.

Pee and Power

My babies have both peed on my countless times. Yet, if I pee on them, Child Protective Services will take them away. It seems unfair. I guess that;s the nature of power. It's why it's ok to say Black Power, but not White Power, I suppose.

My Babies' Bowel Movements

My babies have three distinct bowel movements.

I call the first one the Donald Dump. That's when there's a lot of sound and fury but very little substance.

The next one is when there seems like a problem, but the true horrors aren't revealed until the facts come out. I call that the Adolph Shitler.

The final one is when the babies go nuclear and everything is destroyed. That's the Harry Pooman.

When Babies Cry

I have became an expert on determining the meaning behind each of my babies' distinct cries. Each one pretty much means, "Fuck you, Mommy and Daddy. I want you both to suffer!"