Friday, February 10, 2017

The Secretary Biographies: Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was born on December 24, 1859 in Selma, Alabama to loving parents. His father was a shopkeeper and his mother was considered "a perpetual juvenile" as was typical of most women of the time. In 1864 at the age of five, Sessions was conscripted into the Confederate Army where he fought valiantly and often cried for his mommy.

After the war, Sessions became an outspoken critic of Reconstruction vowing never to become a "dirty Republican" a declaration he would violate 90 years later.

Sessions received his law degree from the University of Alabama, widely considered one of the top law schools in Alabama. He practiced law and soon became a popular conservative commentator. Sessions hailed the 1896 Plessy v. Ferguson Supreme Court decision as "a great verdict, except for the 'equal' part."

Sessions was pro-mustard gas in World War I and anti-Nazi in World War II. After the war, he set out to become one the nation's foremost critics of the Civil Rights Movement. He claims to have coined the offensive pun "Martin Luther Coon" in reference to Civil Rights icon and American hero Dr. Martin Luther King. Sessions can't help but release a chuckle whenever the slur is repeated in his presence. In 1964, he registered as a Republican after the passage of the Civil Rights Act.

In 1986, Sessions was nominated as a federal judge but was rejected as "too racist." At the time he used the n-word an average of 7.1 times a day which classified him as "Extremely Racist." Now, he has cut down his usage to 3.2 n-words per day, which earns him the classification of "Very Racist."

In 1997, Sessions became the oldest member in the history of the U.S. Senate at the age of 137. In the Senate he championed homophobia and Islamophobia. On the issue of gay rights, Sessions declared, "In my day gay meant happy, not sodomy." He still refers to Muslims as "Musulmen" or "Muhammadans" depending on how the mood strikes him.

Yesterday, he was confirmed at the Attorney General of the United States.

Jeff Sessions: Too racist to be a federal judge in 1986, just racist enough to be attorney general in 2017!

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