New Mental Disorder Discovered

A scientific study finds that parking illegally in handicap spots is associated with a newly discovered mental disorder. The illness is called Narcissistic Psychopathic Douchebag Disorder and it affects roughly 75% of Americans.

The disorder apparently comes in several different forms. There's the "Wait in the Car" version, the mildest discovered. Next is the "I'll Just Be a Minute" version where the sick soul thinks that inconveniencing a disabled person briefly is acceptable. This is most common in delivery people.

There's also the far more serious "Park and Leave" version in which the ill individual has no regard for anybody but themselves. The side effects are utter laziness, a complete lack of empathy, and acute anal resemblance.

The final and most frightening version is the "Curb Cut Blocker." This person not only parks illegally in a handicap spot, but also parks their vehicle in such a way that wheelchair users cannot get onto or off of a sidewalk. Jeffrey Dahmer was allegedly a "Curb Cut Blocker" and so is Mel Gibson.

There are no known treatments to those who suffer from the disorder. Scientists have tried instilling the affected with doses of compassion and empathy, but that hasn't seemed to work. Researchers are now experimenting with providing sufferers with a daily pill called AyKlew.  If all else fails, another proposed alternative is prolonged electrocution to the genitals until the mentally ill person parks literally ten feet away in a legal space.

Top 5 QBs, RBs, WRs Now

This list takes more into account than one pass, one game, or even one season. But it's not a list one the best who happen to be active. It also isn't a prediction of what will happen either. Injuries are not ignored. The previous list was posted on February 26, 2014.

Quarterbacks

Rank	David's	(PR)	Mike's	(Previous Rank)
1	Peyton Manning	(1)	Aaron Rodgers	(2)
2	Tom Brady	(2)	Tom Brady	(3)
3	Aaron Rodgers	(4)	Peyton Manning	(1)
4	Drew Brees	(3)	Drew Brees	(4)
5	Andrew Luck	(NR)	Andrew Luck	(NR)

Running Backs

Rank	David's	(PR)	Mike's	(Previous Rank)
1	DeMarco Murray	(NR)	Marshawn Lynch	(4)
2	Le'Veon Bell	(NR)	Jamaal Charles	(2)
3	Marshawn Lynch	(4)	DeMarco Murray	(NR)
4	Arian Foster	(NR)	Le'Veon Bell	(NR)
5	LeSean McCoy	(2)	Arian Foster	(NR)

Wide Receivers

Rank	David's	(PR)	Mike's	(Previous Rank)
1	Calvin Johnson	(1)	Calvin Johnson	(1)
2	Antonio Brown	(5)	Antonio Brown	(NR)
3	Julio Jones	(NR)	Dez Bryant	(NR)
4	Demaryius Thomas	(NR)	Julio Jones	(NR)
5	Dez Bryant	(NR)	Demaryius Thomas	(2)

Scottie Dockens, Another Victory

I'm Scottie Dockens, UBF champion. In the last month, I've knocked out an Armenian, a Yazidi, and a m,ember of ISIS to improve my record to 16-0 with 16 KOs. I want to face Charlie Zelenoff, the so-called champion. He's fraud and I'll beat him up easily. My only fear is that I might kill him.