Saturday, November 19, 2011

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 7)

You can read Episode 6 here.

"Wake up, David."
"Leave me alone. No more!" I answered. My girlfriend, still locked in my arms, facing away from me, asked, "David, who is it?"
"It's Herman Cain, sweetie. He probably has another mission for me to do. I won't do it."

"Listen you, Becky and Stan are being held hostage in Libya by the Taliban. We must rescue them." My girlfriend and I turned to face Herman Cain. I spoke, "Listen, you idiot. None of that made any sense. Leave me alone. And anoth... get your hands off my girlfriend's breasts!"

Cain looked surprised. "Oops. Force of habit." His voice fell deeper and one eyebrow raised. "Hey baby. You want to take part in my 9-9-9 Plan? That's 9 inches for 9 minutes, 9 times a day."

My girlfriend, unfazed, retorted, "Hmm, sounds interesting. It's better than his 2-30 seconds-all the time Plan."
"Hey!" I yelled, embarrassed. "I read online you're supposed to start measuring from the roots, so it's two and half!" She sighed. I continued, "And remember, my record is 94 seconds. That's an eternity. Isiah Thomas scored 16 points in 94 seconds in the fourth quarter of Game 5 of the first round of the 1984 NBA Playoffs!"

"Mmmm baby, are you ready for 9-9-9?"
"It's tempting, but no. I'll have to pass."
"What? Why?"
"Well, because you don't have even a basic understanding of foreign affairs. I only sleep with people who possess that. Plus, I'm really attracted to tiny hirsute Jewish men." I couldn't hide my smile.

"But , but, but, baby. I am going to be president!"
"No you won't. People have finally wised up and realized you're too ignorant to be president." I mentally cheered my girlfriend, still outwardly wearing a smile.

Herman Cain was dejected. It seemed as if he would finally stop haunting my dreams. No more requests to take part in ridiculous missions. Perhaps, I was truly free at last.

I woke up alone. Herman Cain was sliding in the polls due to sustained foreign policy gaffes. It seemed as if I could finally return to my normal dreams, playing sports with Martin Luther King and Mohandas Gandhi and being with cute intelligent women dressed in tight jeans and seductive tank-tops.

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