Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 5, Part 1)

You can read Episode 4, Part 2 here.

I woke up. Sweat congregated around my forehead. Herman Cain had gained legitimacy in his run for the White House. Camila Vallejo was in Chile and had no inkling of my existence. I decided to return to my slumber and clutched my pillow. Underneath it was a piece of paper. The paper wore a poem written in beautiful foreign cursive. I read its title in bewilderment. The title read David.

We have another quest.
This one is tougher than the rest.
We must fight with the Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda
In order to thwart that communist Muslim Obama.
- Herman Cain

I crumpled up the paper, dwelling more on the disappointment currently overwhelming me that it wasn't from the attractive Camila Vallejo than the nonsense of its content. I fell back onto my pillow. There was Herman Cain towering over my bed.

"Wake up, David. We have another mission. We must go. Rush Limbaugh said the Lord's Resistance Army are Christians and we must protect them against Obama's Muslim army." I frowned.

"I think you've been misinformed, Mr. Cain. Josephy Kony and the LRA have been fighting President Museveni, who is Christian, and the Ugandan army because he sees himself as a prophet. The LRA has continued to exist because it kidnaps and indoctrinates its soldiers, many who are children,- and its people, the Acholi, feel alienated from Museveni's administration. Paradoxically, the LRA often preys on the Acholi, the very people they claim to protect, committing horrendous and despicable human rights abuses.

"In addition, high members of the Ugandan army hope to remain in a perpetual state of war which results in more money directed to the military, no questions asked. Many claim that the Ugandan military states it has far more members than it actually does, so high military officials can steal the salaries of the phantom soldiers. But the LRA is a very notorious group The ICC was created in order to indict its leader, Kony."

Herman Cain gave a dismissive shrug, "Rush and I will do more research about it. In the meantime, we need to get to Uganda immediately to fight for the LRA. Go buy your plane ticket."
"You're not going to buy my ticket? I don't have the money for this. And I don't even want to go. You should buy it. You have the money."
"No. Just because I have the money and you do not, I should buy your plane ticket? You do not have money because you are lazy. Stop engaging in class warfare and get a job."

My eyes narrowed into deep focus, "I'm engaging in class warfare? What about your 9-9-9 Plan? I already lose a ton of my income to state and federal taxes as soon as I make it. Now you want to take away 9% of my income tax. I don't make enough. Every dollar is precious to me. And you want to add a 9% federal sales tax to the 6% state sales tax that already exists in Maryland. Now I have to pay 15 cents on every dollar I spend.

"Meanwhile, a 9% tax is a huge tax break for rich people such as yourself. Now you'll be able to afford the new solid gold 8000 Zoom Flush Express toilet instead of the solid gold 6000 model that you'd be forced to settle for under the current tax code. What a shame."

Cain became furious, "Stop engaging in class warfare. We need to engage in real warfare. Buy your ticket and let's go."
"No. I won't. This war is for the Ugandans to settle. I will not fight out of concern for them. It is not for me to exploit their suffering in the name of my own interests."
"You must. I have enlisted you in the army and must serve or you will be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay where you will be forced to listen to Rod Stewart songs and watch videos of a nude Dan Marino masturbating all day every day."
"Fine. I'll go."

I fell asleep on the plane in an extremely agitated state. But there was a hint of excitement that began to spread. It would be very cool to travel to Uganda and perhaps I could go rogue and try to foster peace. My imagination got the better of me as I dreamed of an amorous Camila Vallejo in a sexy tank-top leaning over and unbuttoning my pants. She grabbed my penis and began twirling her tongue around and sucking. I opened my eyes with a smile as long as Chile on my face.
Until I looked down. "Mr. Cain?"
"Yes David? What can I help you with?" Herman Cain mumbled in an uncharacteristically indistinct manner. "Well, I'm wondering why my penis is in your mouth." Cain momentarily relieved his mouth of my penis. "Is there a problem?" I shook my head no and he finished.

We arrived in northwest Uganda and called a press conference. "I commend your beautiful country for its stance on homosexuality," Cain bellowed in a booming voice, "Homosexuality is wrong and should be illegal. Two men should not get married unless they want to. The government should not tell them what to do."

The Ugandan reporters showed confusion across their faces. "Are you against gay marriage or not?" one asked.

"I cannot be clearer. I am against gay marriage. Unless two men want to get married. The government should not decide for them. The same with abortion. Abortion should be illegal in all cases, including rape and incest, unless the family decides they want an abortion. The government should not tell a woman what to do with her body. So I am clearly against gay marriage and abortion." Another reporter asked the same question. Cain erupted as if he were a school teacher explaining that 2+2=4 to high school students.

"Why is this hard to understand? I am against gay marriage, abortion, and a man sucking another man's penis on a plane to Uganda. Is that clear?" A barrage of hands shot up into the sky.

One reporter asked, "That last point was very specific and the white gentleman next to you just turned red. Did you suck his penis on the plane? Sir?" He was looking at me. "Did you partake in this gay experience? That is a crime here." I sauntered up to the podium with my tail between my legs.

I went the same route as Obama did when he was "accused" of being a Muslim during the 2008 campaign. Instead of defending the persecuted group, I denied being a member. I told them that I was not gay. I challenged each of them to close their eyes, have someone suck their penis, and then tell that person- male or female- to stop. All agreed they would not be able to do so.

The reporters turned their attention back to Herman Cain. "If what this man says is true, Mr. Cain, you sexually harassed him." Herman Cain became defensive. "First, I have never sexually harassed anyone. And yes, I have never sexually harassed anyone. Secondly, I have never sexually harassed anyone. I can tell you unequivocally, I have never sexually harassed anyone outside of the plane in question."

Join us again to find out what happens in the Ugandan bush.

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