ELL, Season 7, Week 5

I'm thinking about making this league infinitely more confusing by adding continent tournaments after the regular season that will determine who makes the playoffs. In any event, let's get to the results. The ELL site is here.

Kim vs Obiang
It's been a bad week for Kim Jong-Il of North Korea. He could be indicted by the International Criminal Court and he was named as Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Dictator Since Gaddafi. Apparently, "the style of the two men resembles half the cast of a 1980s sitcom about the sex lives of elderly women." Meeeow!

British mercenary Simon Mann was recently released from prison after being convicted of trying to overthrow Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang. Mann's wife called Obiang a "lovely" dictator. She also said he has the softest balls, like a kitten; he has a succulent mushroom head, and the asshole of an angel. Obiang reportedly made sure Mann received excellent care while in prison, including quality health care and gourmet meals. Kinda makes you think the rest of Equatorial Guinea should try to overthrow him.

I know you want to see who won each contest. To do so, check out the official free no-catch Evil Leaders League site. Your mother would be so proud.

Karzai vs Shwe
According to his psychiatrist, Adam Silverberg, Hamid Karzai wears his trademark karakul hat in an attempt to replace his feelings of inadequacy with the attention the garish accessory brings. The source of his feelings of inadequacy stems from his inability to restore law and order to Kandahar, do anything to stop the Taliban, or be fairly elected. Dr. Silverberg describes Karzai's condition as "electile dysfunction."

Even before Than Shwe steals the upcoming Burmese election, his Myanmar-ruling junta is stealing everything else. As they begin "privatizing" the economy. They're selling off state assets to the highest bidder (who happens to be associated with the junta). Democratization and capitalism. See, Than Shwe is finally appeasing the West!

Morales vs Ahmadinejad
Bolivian president, Evo Morales, is a radical authoritarian and harsh critic of the U.S. He claims that the U.S. is trying to control Latin American governments through its war on drugs and that the U.S. dominates the OAS. I bet he probably holds the genocide of his fellow Indians against us too. That crazy socialist dictator needs a reality check. But seriously, I wouldn't smoke your next cigar.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has recently called the attacks of 9/11 a lie, saying that if you believe 9/11 happened, then you probably believe the refs didn't give the Super Bowl to the Saints. Ahmadinejad is a huge Colts fan. In fact, in his mind, the Colts have won the last 5 Super Bowls. Contrary to U.S. policy, the NFL has chosen to ignore the Iranian leader and his incendiary statements.

al-Bashir vs Berlusconi
Regardless of the possible peace deal between the government and Darfur rebels or his recent campaigning in Rumbek, analysts applaud al-Bashir's electoral strategy. The strategy? Stealing it. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi once hired the mafia to protect his family. But that was a long time ago. Recently, he's been racking up mistresses and corruption charges. You wonder why people are coming out in droves to protest this guy? I mean, he's Italian, what do you expect? Have these people never watched The Godfather?

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