Monday, February 01, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Week 2

I wonder what percentage of evil leaders had big titties when they were little boys. Maybe there's some kind of little boy titties to evilness correlation. Somebody's got to do a study on this. I nominate Kansas State.

Shwe vs Kim
Burmese ruler Than Shwe recently decreed that, when it comes to elections, it's Myanmar not Youranmar. He has the sharing habits of a kindergartener. However, Shwe has said that he will release democracy advocate and former candidate Aung San Suu Kyi in November. Just in time for sweeps! And just in time for Suu Kyi to congratulate the winner of Myanmar's first election since she won twenty years ago. North Korea, led by Kim Jong-Il, is going to test missiles yet again. This does nothing to counter the stereotype that Asians love tests.

In debt? Maybe viewing the winners of this week's Evil Leaders League contests will cheer you up. But probably not. Good luck with that.

Berlusconi vs Morales
The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, who's had more cosmetic surgeries than the cast of The Hills, is in the middle a of corruption scandal. Jay Leno is the host of The Tonight Show. What is this, 1994? Well no, 'cause then Berlusconi's mistress would only be 4 years old. While watching Evo Morales's second inauguration as the president of Bolivia, I forgot he was a radical anti-American socialist. Mostly because I was focusing on how distinctly Indian he looks. Plus I don't speak Spanish, so who knows what the hell he was saying.

al-Bashir vs Ahmadinejad
Everyone knows Omar al-Bashir and Tiger Woods have had PR problems of late. But did you know they both hired the same publicist? Unfortunately the publicist got confused, which is why Omar al-Bashir recently checked himself into sex rehab and Tiger Woods declared that he would honor the results of a referendum on southern Sudan's self-determination scheduled for 2011.

As was the case with George W. Bush, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was elected president amid controversy over hanging chads- especially if chad is a pseudonym for Iranian opposition activists. Ahmadinejad's just lucky he hung people and not dogs, or else PETA would be on his ass. And he'd have to serve jail time, too.

Karzai vs Obiang
Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai reinstated human rights violator Abdul Rashid Dostum over the West's objections.
THIS JUST IN: General Dostum reportedly has inappropriate pictures of Hamid Karzai. An inside source familiar with one photo claims that, in the depiction, Karzai has exchanged his trademark karakul hat and emerald green cape for a sequined one-piece, sunglasses, and a jheri curl in an apparent tribute to Michael Jackson. In the snapshot, Karzai is grabbing his crotch with his gloved hand and saluting with the other, tears streaming down his cheeks.

In granting Haiti aid after a devastating earthquake, Teodoro Obiang is quoted as saying, "Although our two countries are separated by an ocean, Equatorial Guinea stands with the victims in Haiti in this time of distress and chaos." On receiving aid from a nation with a life expectancy of 42.8 years, Haitian officials have called it the country's "Joe Pisarcik moment."

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