Evil Leaders League, Season 3 in Review

This was a pretty great season for the Evil Leaders League and its competitors. It wasn't as great for the people who live in their countries, but we all can't be winners. If there weren't oppressed and persecuted people, we wouldn't have evil leaders. And then we wouldn't have the Evil Leaders League. Now that would be a tragedy. The official ELL site is here. Check throughout the off season for updates.

The Champion - Kim Jong-Il 4-3 (2-0) [all-time: 13-8 (3-2)]
North Korea's little leader has nuclear weapons and touts them in a politically shrewd manner. Whenever, he feels a budget crunch, he start to spout threats and in turn receives aid after flippantly promising to disarm. This tactic extends his legitimacy within his country a little while longer. But that's not why he won the ELL championship this season. It's not because he dissent in his country is nil. It's not because he runs one of the most isolated nations in the world. His people are perpetually kept down; they've been abandoned and most are left to starve and many are forced into labor camps. But that's not really why he won either. The reason is: big sunglasses give me the creeps.

Here are some of this season's best out of context quotes:

• Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, goes by the nickname of Tehran-i-saurus Rex.
• Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis.
• An opposition boycott to an election is the evil leader's version of an orgasm. And in the aftermath, there's a lot of shame and regret.
• So bring your family and come to Darfur! There's a chance you won't be raped and killed.
• Hugo Chavez didn't make the list once again. Technically, Venezuela is still a democracy, which apparently disqualifies someone from being a dictator. Saggy man boobs disqualifies someone from being a valuable member of society. Sorry Hugo, you're 0 for 2.
• It’s a very conflicting time for him. Plus, he just found out his son is gay. Come on Pervez, tell him it's ok, kiss him on the forehead, and detain a few opponents to make yourself feel better.
• I'm sure Western powers will be up-in-arms over this, but keep in mind Iran's quest for nuclear weapons involves Ahmadinejad googling "how to make atomic bomb" on a particularly mundane Saturday night. Still, that's terrifying.
• Why don't you shove that oil up your ass and see how far that gets you (depends how far away the closest hospital is located).
• The former Pakistani army general has never lost in chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over."
• Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body.

Last season's winner: He's cock-blocked George Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands.

The Challengers
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 5-2 (1-1) [13-8 (1-1)] - Threatening others with nuclear weapons that you don't possess gets you second place.
Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (0-1) [16-5 (4-1)] - Genocide only got him third place this season. Mass murder runs thin after a while.
Pervez Musharraf 5-2 (0-1) - A newcomer to the league, he detained opponents with great frequency. But the U.S. is an ally, so we were alright.
Hugo Chavez 4-3 [13-8 (1-2) - Barely missed the playoffs this time, Maybe he should've actually started a war with U.S.-ally Colombia, instead of just talking about one.

The Relegated
Robert Mugabe 2-5 [5-9] - He beat his opponents and ruined his country, but it wasn't enough to stay in the league. He lost because his time in power might be coming to an end thanks to an election that is still hanging in the balance as of this moment.
Vladimir Putin 2-5 [8-6 (0-1)] - His right hand man will become the new president of Russia next month. He hasn't been appointed Prime Minister yet and can't run for president again until 2012, so he was relegated.
Hu Jintao 1-6 - With the Beijing Olympics on the horizon, Hu has become more evil. But only in perception, not in practice. And even the perception of his evilness didn't arise until after it was too late for Hu.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the third ELL season - some variation of the word "fuck" 5 times; some variation of "ass" 3 times; some variation of "shit" 4 times; "evil" 40 times; "constitution" 4 times; "penis" twice; "low self-esteem" once.
5 people will return for next season.
4 mentions of persecuting the gays.
2 separate chess references.
2 separate mentions of eating balls.
1 reference to Schindler's List, Hobby Lobby, and the Golden Girls.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.