editor's note: I managed to acquire this historic letter Thomas E. Dewey wrote to his mother following his 1948 presidential election defeat. Don't ask me how I got it. Let’s just say I had to do some stuff that forever lowered my dignity and sense of self-respect.
Dear Mater,
I trust that you are feeling the same anguish that currently burns in my loins. I so wanted to see you fulfill your wildest dreams of planting petunias in the White House's south lawn. It fills me with a despair that you will not get the chance to do so.
The entire Dewey clan will surely whisper "scoundrel," whenever the name "Truman" falls from a speaker's lips, but we mustn’t allow this haberdasher to weigh down our high pedigree with the heavy load of vengeance. You must be cursing the woman who bore that oaf. Please cease and desist for the sake of your high blood pressure.
I lay awake at night worrying that your hemorrhoids have revisited. Please allow the Negro gentleman to massage your affected area and reward him with a spot of your world-renown chicken face pie. To digest your scrumptious delicacy after my wayward campaign would have brought me back from the brink of insanity. Instead, I relieve my frustrations with every wallop of my dear wife. I must relay a comical anecdote, upon striking my beloved, my bifocals slid from my face, but fortunately, I grabbed them before they shattered into a million pieces. I suppose the Almighty owed me a bit of luck after the election.
Please write back as soon as possible.
With an eternal love,
Governor Thomas E. Dewey
No comments:
Post a Comment