Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Season 2 in Review

We've had a great Evil Leaders League season. You've laughed, you've cried, but mostly you've said, "I don't get the reference and even if I did, I couldn't imagine how that'd be funny." Well, I think you're an asshole and so does our crop of eight evil competitors.

The Champion - Omar al-Bashir 6-1 (2-0) [all time: 11-3 (4-0)]
I spilled soda on the carpet not too long ago. That's not as bad as funding the jangaweed militia which is committing genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan. The continued genocide in Darfur is the reason why Omar al-Bashir took his second straight ELL title in season 2. He's not thrilled that the Christian south has autonomy either. I hope one day the people of Sudan will experience peace and happiness and Omar al-Bashir will spend the rest of his days sitting in the corner crying naked and fingering himself. For now al-Bashir is a champion.

No poll this season, but here are some of this season's best out of context quotes:
  • In the end Kim Jong-Il won with 117% of the vote (margin of error +/- 17%).
  • He's cock-blocked George Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands.
  • He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" even though "Israel" isn't on any Iranian maps.
  • He also contracted gonorrhea. Not a good week for Kim.
  • The only evil thing al-Bashir has done lately was to restart his X-box in the 3rd quarter of Madden 07 during an ass-whipping at the hands of the newly appointed governor of South Darfur, Ali Mahmoud.
  • Lukashenko continuously states an old Belarussian proverb, "There's an old saying in Osipovichi, I know it's in Minsk, it's probably in Osipovichi, that says 'When a Pole is killed, my penis grows 3 inches.... Hahahahahahaha!!!! ... Do you get it? Polish people dying gives me an erection.... How come nobody's laughing?'"
  • Kim reportedly looks emaciated due to a hunger strike until the Trix rabbit gets to eat some cereal.
  • His record doesn't compare to the carnage Omar al-Bashir has on his hands (not literally, as al-Bashir washes regularly).
  • With all of this killing, there might not be any people left in Sudan before long. That would hurt Omar al-Bashir in the ELL, because it's hard to be evil without people.
  • Never underestimate a small penis' role in creating an evil leader.

Last season's winner: Fidel Castro no longer has control over Cuba and reportedly has an artificial anus. A good way to lose in the ELL is to have things shoved up your ass.

The Challengers
Hugo Chavez 4-3 (1-1) [9-5 (1-2)] - He's got a kind of anti-imperialist type of evilness. It's been working for him. His next step needs to be cutting off the balls of dissedents.
Vladimir Putin 6-1 (0-1) - He had a surprisingly evil season. Putin did his best Soviet Union impression. Those were some evil times. I miss them.
Kim Jong-Il 4-3 (0-1) [9-5 (1-2)] - He spent this season makeingconcessions and starving his people, hence the mixed reviews. Still better than the reviews of his karaoke performances.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3-4 [8-6 (0-1)] - He's been called the Hitler of this generation. If that's true, this generation sucks. He is not the leader of his country and makes meaningless threats against the US and Israel, which is like me threatening Shaquille O'Neal (keep in mind that I'm a short Jew). Ahmadinejad is like Hitler in one way, he's short (like me!).

The Relegated
Islam Karimov 3-4 - Lost a run-off match to Ahmadinejad. Turns out boiling people isn't evil enough.
Alexander Lukashenko 2-5 [6-8] - He had a nice run. Maybe he'll come back in a couple of seasons with a new sense of evil purpose.
Nicolas Sarkozy 0-7 - Turns out the leader of France is not so evil. He's a pro-American ruler of a relatively friendly nation. Maybe calls to boycott France were a tad overblown and insane.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the second ELL season -
some variation of "fuck" 6 times; some variation of "ass" 3 times; some variation of "shit" 3 times; "evil" 36 times; "pope" twice; "jerking off" once; "genocide" 10 times.
5 people will return for next season.
3 people won't be back for next season
2 references to the evil French Empire.
2 evil leaders tied for 5th.
1 reference to X-box, the Detroit Lions, and the Falkland Islands.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

1 comment:

John said...

Thank goodness for the ELL. I don't know what I'd do without some way to determine how evil my favorite dictators and quasi-dictators are.