Journal Entry 7/3/2013

Wow, what a seven months it's been! Late last August, I was grocery shopping. I forgot to pay for a few thousand dollars worth of groceries I had picked out and a policeman came and stopped me. As it turns out, I apparently "fit the description" of a local rapist.

Let me explain what happened. I read an article online that it is very important in America to avoid falling into the "friendzone" with a woman. You can tell that's you're in the friendzone if a woman talks to you about her issues with other men, if she says, "You're such a good friend," or if she asks you for a ride to the airport. So, every time a woman would try to put me in the friendzone, I did everything I could to avoid that horrid area. The jury said that I was- unbeknownst to me- committing rape. I also embezzled $400 million dollars. This very journal was used as evidence to show my "infatuation and desire to rape."

But I have an amazing lawyer. His name is Don West. In his opening statement at my trial, Mr. West began, "Let me, at considerable risk, let me say, I’d like to tell you a little joke. I know how that may sound a bit weird, in this context, under these circumstances, but I think you’re the perfect audience for it. As long as you don’t, if you don’t like it, or you don’t think it’s funny or appropriate, that you don’t hold it against the former Dear and Fearless Leader. You can hold it against me, but not the former Dear and Fearless Leader."

He continued, "Here’s how it goes: Knock knock. Who’s there? The former Dear and Fearless Leader. The Former Dear and Fearless Leader who? All right. Good, you’re on the jury.”

Everyone was in stitches. The judge, the jury, the prosecution, the audience, everyone fell over laughing. There was a ten minute delay until everyone could catch their breaths. I think that was part of the reason why I only received six months for serial rape and massive embezzlement.

While in prison, I dispersed the fraudulent funds creating havoc in the U.S. Mass shootings, bombings, the NRA were all funded by me and my dirty money. As you might imagine, this created some tension between myself and the U.S.

Instead of holding a huge public hearing in which the U.S. would have to admit that it gave a deposed "vile dictator" refuge, I was deported from the country. I'm not welcomed home because my brother, the Feared and Peerless, would have me killed.

So, now I'm stuck in an airport in Moscow. No country will offer me asylum, not even Ecuador. A person can only eat so much borscht in a week. I'm going to have to think of a way out of this predicament. Bye for now!!!!!

Journal Entry 8/27/2012

Apparently, diplomatic immunity does not extend to exiled dictators in America. That's what I get for putting my trust in Congressman Todd Akin! Thanks a lot, buddy!

So, since I'm currently unable to legally force women to be with me, I've had to stick to the online dating. I had a lovely evening of Indian food and witty banter with one woman who went to the bathroom when the check came and then apologized for going to the bathroom after I had paid. Later on the date, I had my arm on the back of the bench, but she didn't lean in when I had moved my arm there, so I was unsure about putting it around her. This made it difficult for me to make my move. As the former (benevolent!) maniacal dictator of my own personal fiefdom, these are problems I'm unaccustomed to.

I was at the metro and I had a question about peak of the peak fares before I put more money on my card. So I asked the attendant. I was in the middle of my question when the attendant said, "Just a second," shooed me aside, and opened the little swing gate for a native Washingtonian. My dignity was insulted. I ruled my own country for multiple years, decreed to my little heart's content, and this is the treatment I receive in return? I demand respect! After all, I drive a Honda Accord!

This week's projects include: further attempting to figure out the online dating scene, performing everyday tasks with extreme difficulty because my ability to do so has atrophied due to my time as the Dear and Fearless Leader, and finding Congressman Todd Akin so I can punch that rape-tease right in the face.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the week. Bye for now!!!!

Journal Entry 8/23/2012

I asked my colleagues at the think tank about whether or not impregnating a woman through forcible sexual relations is not considered "legitimate rape." Turns out it's still rape. That's what I get for listening to Congressman Todd Akin. But, I do have another possible legal option to relive my days of having sexual relations with uncooperative women as I did when I was the Dear and Fearless Leader. My colleagues told me about something called "diplomatic immunity."

Apparently,  because of diplomatic immunity, I may be able to having unlicensed sexual relations with whoever I choose, and it doesn't matter if they become impregnated or not. But my colleagues were not entirely sure if diplomatic immunity extends to rape although it seemed to work for former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn. And, it turns out, Idi Amin used to purposely run into parked cars and smash mailboxes without reprimand.

I taught one of my classes in leadership at American University this week. I noticed a 250 pound bearded student began humping the bottom of the table. I'm not even sure what could possibly be pleasurable about the bottom of a table. Was it that metal thing? Or maybe the grooved wood? Anyway, you know how flimsy those tables are; when you try to erase, it shakes the entire table. Imagine a 250 pound man humping it.

It seemed like he thought he was slick and no one was noticing; meanwhile the entire class gawked at him in horror and disgust. He groaned like a happy seal. I attempted to press on rather than acknowledge this bizarre behavior. Eventually, he finished and a smug look of satisfaction rested on his face as the stench of freshly ejaculated sperm filled the air. The students around this pervert began gagging uncontrollably. Attempting to avoid gazing in his direction, even I could see-  via my peripheral vision- the giant cum stain that had pushed to the front of the pajama pants he was wearing. When I was the Dear and Fearless Leader, I didn't have to put up with displays like this. I would have had his dick sliced off and then shoved down his throat until he could no longer breathe... for the sake of our nation.

I'm looking to see if diplomatic immunity will work for me. I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to find out. Bye for now!!!

Journal Entry 8/20/2012

They say that women are attracted to power. They're also attracted to not being murdered if they don't comply with dictatorial whim. I have neither now that I've been ousted from my post as Dear and Fearless Leader. Attempting to attract women has been a very difficult adjustment for me.

I got a date for last Friday using an online dating site. Within ten minutes of the conversation, she asks me, "Do you know anyone around here who can get us a dime bag?"

On another date, this Saturday, I managed to be invited up to her place. We where kissing and dry humping and I became too excited. For a man used to beautiful naked women catering to my ever desire, it has been a rough couple of months. And it's hot here in the Washington DC area. I see so many attractive women showing off a lot of skin. Finally, I managed to convince a woman to have sex with me and I came before even a shred of clothing was removed. I left her apartment shortly after. I tried to call the next day a few times, but she won't answer. I'm not optimistic.

When I was the Dear and Fearless Leader, I first describe rape as "unwitting sexual relations" and later decreed that it was ethically ok. But I was going about things all wrong. I learned that in America, according to senatorial candidate Congressman Todd Akin, there is "legitimate rape." That's when you don't get the woman pregnant. So, if you do get the woman pregnant, it's not "legitimate rape." Why didn't I think of that! Some tyrant I was! Todd Akin puts me to shame.

I'm going to ask some of my colleagues about the legal merit of Representative Akin's assertions before I start impregnating a bunch of women against their will. I am nothing if not a responsible rapist. But this could really help ease my melancholy.

In other news, I went to a Sweet Frog for the first time today. I asked the girl working there for a small chocolate frozen yogurt with gummy bears. She told me the cups were over there and that I had to get it myself. I told her that I don't work at Sweet Frog. I am the former Dear and Fearless Leader, I work at a think tank and teach a course in leadership at American University. She didn't seem to understand. She said that I needed to pick a cup, get the chocolate frozen yogurt, and sprinkle on the gummy bears myself. Then, she said she would weigh it to see how much it cost. At this point I began screaming at her.

I actually can't wait to go to work tomorrow and find out about this rape thing. Things might be looking up! Bye for now!!

Journal Entry 8/17/2012

It has been over two months since I was the Dear and Fearless Leader of my country. My own brother ousted me in a coup and now I'm in the Washington DC area teaching a college class in leadership and working at a think tank. I thought keeping a journal might help ease the sadness that has gripped me because of this turn of events.

Things were much easier for me when I was the unquestioned ruler of a nation. Earlier this week, I was standing just off the curb in DC and a police car nearly ran me over. Another day, I was driving and there was a truck stuck in the right lane. So, as did everyone else, I moved over left a lane. Another car, that was two lanes over, sped right into the lane I was moving into, and nearly ran right into me. I honked and he waved wildly and continued to gesture at me. When I was the Dear and Fearless Leader, that stuff never happened because people tend to not like receiving bullets to the head or being lowered slowly into shark tanks.

Mundane stuff is also very difficult for me. When I was in charge, I had people to take care of things for me, such as acquiring women and condoms. Now, I have to rely on my own charm to get the women. So, I signed up for an online dating site. I went on one date and I think it went well. I was nervous, but I managed to make a move and kiss the woman.

Later, in the parking lot near her car, we were making out. I tried unsuccessfully to get her to come back to my place. But she said, "I really want you to put your hand on my breasts." I thought that was a good sign. She gave me her phone number. I emailed her, but she blew me off. I wasn't sure about dating etiquette. I read an article online that said emailing was ok nowadays. When you are a tyrannical dictator, this stuff doesn't matter; you just rape if need be. The whole scene is really getting me down.

I went to Giant last week to try and buy condoms in case another date went better. The packaging was very confusing. I saw a small box for $2.99 that said lubricant in bold printed on it. I didn't want lubricant, I wanted lubricated condoms, so I kept looking. I saw a 12 pack for for $9.99, but without being allowed to rape people, that seemed like an optimistic amount of condoms to buy before they expired in three years time. So, I moved over and saw a box of extra-large condoms. To my surprise, there weren't any extra-small condoms; it was very upsetting. I had one girl break up with me before I became president because the condom kept falling off in her vagina. I don't want that again.

Last night, my friend advised me to go to the CVS and buy three extra-thin condoms. The problem is that my CVS doesn't have a self-checkout as does Giant. I'm too embarrassed to hand some condoms over to a cashier. Today, I went to a CVS in DC and it had a self-checkout. But I didn't buy the condoms because I didn't want to pay the 5 cents plastic bag tax and so I would just be sitting on the metro while holding a box of condoms. That defeats the purpose of doing the self-checkout in the first place. These are problems I'm unaccustomed to.

Hopefully, things will start to get better soon. Bye for now!