I'm American, Bitch 3

Tonight on I'm American, Bitch David explains logically how people that criticize the Iraq war are defeatists, who clearly do not understand economics. He tries to somehow tie the war back to gays, women, and black people, but it's hard when there are just so many people keeping the white man down.


The Iraq War, or as I call it, the American War is kind of an important issue my sources say. To me, the war has been a resounding success, with not one mistake made. But I understand that not everyone agrees with this position. I'm a compassionate person like that. However, there is a way to critique the Bush administration appropriately and then there's a wrong way.

For example, saying that George Bush is even smarter than he thinks is constructive criticism.

However, claiming that the US doesn't have enough troops over in Iraq to fight the insurgents, or we should bring home our troops to save their lives, or there were no weapons of mass destruction in the first place and thus this war was unjustified and a total failure, is defeatist. It's not constructive. Some may say, but it's true isn't it? The truth is not always constructive, just ask Robert Blake.

Critics might say that this war made no political sense in addition to its immoral premise. Well, I say that they are defeatists. Bush knew that starting a corrupt war in Iraq would flush those crafty al-Quedans out and bring them to Iraq. Then, as evidence by how well prepared the US military was for the insurgents, we were to annihilate al-Queda! If you don't believe that this was the true reason for the war, then you're a defeatist. If you believe that repetition does not make something true, then you're also a defeatist.

I am so sick and tired of these hippie commie defeatist liberals who don't know anything about the world. They just think that killing people is wrong and shit like that. So defeatist. This is the real world. If we don't kill Iraqis, who will? You have to understand the market forces that make killing Iraqis a hell of a hoot! Murder is ok as long as it makes sense financially. See, I'm a logical man. I'm not overcome by emotion like those liberal defeatists.

These defeatists include former counterterrorism czar (commie) Richard Clarke, ambassador Joe Wilson, congressperson John Murtha, and many others who want to surrender to brownish people! I say let's stay the course. How can funeral companies and weapons corporations make more money if there's no war? And then that money trickles down to the rest of us. With all the dead soldiers, there'd be less competition for jobs and hot sexy broads.

It's time for all of us to stop being defeatist, understand market economies, and kill a lot of people who don't look the same as us, or do look the same as us, depending on what you look like. I'm looking at you Hispanics.

God Bless America and fuck everyone else. Oh, and fuck a lot of people in America too. Thanks God.

Controlling Destiny

Two months ago I was having a solid fantasy football season. I was on my way to making my first fantasy football playoffs. Other things in my life were also going great. It was the halfway point of the fantasy football season, and being the commissioner, I like to evaluate each team's performance to that point and predict the second half. This is what I wrote for myself:

Buffalo Williams (5-2)- My team has slowly gotten worse too. We're led by Carson Palmer and Lamont Jordan. Hey, what can I say, I draft really well in the 8th and 9th rounds. That's about it though. I might, might, might make my first fantasy football playoff appearance.

More likely, I'll blow it in the second half and it will ruin my mood. That will effect my studies and my fate with women. This was to be the year where everything went right. Instead, my life will become a shattered shell filled with questions of what could have been? I'll die a failure and alone. All because Cadillac (Williams) decided to get injured.

After that point, things started going downhill, just as I had predicted. I couldn't believe that I actually predicted my fate exactly. I decided to be pro-active and change my destiny. One month later I wrote:

I predicted my own downfall, so since I have this power, I am predicting that I will win it all this year. I will be lauded as a hero, and all the pretty girls will like me because I got straight A's!

Well, I'm in the championship game of the Suck My Sonderweg Thesis fantasy football league anyway.

Why I Might Be A Terrorist

Here are some reasons why I might be a terrorist:

• I've expressed political dissent against the United States government.
• I have a beard.
• I've attended peace protests.
• I know the difference between Hindus and Muslims (Hindus believe in Hinduism, Muslims believe in Islam).
• I am Semitic.
• I once emailed the president referring to myself as a "non-violent terrorist" for some reason.
• My crossover dribble strikes fear in the heart of defenders.
• I know more about Islam than the average American.
• I spent an indeterminate amount of time detained in detention without so much as legal representation (6th grade lunch detention).
• Prayed in a mosque.
• I've made an international call.

However, reasons that do not contribute to me being a terrorist:

• I don't like Tom Tolbert as an announcer.

Announcer Should Be Fired After Saying Bad Word

Inept ESPN NBA announcer Tom Tolbert is reeling, just minutes after cussing up a storm on the air during a Houston Rockets vs. Golden State Warriors early season matchup. While discussing the talents of San Antonio Spurs' guards Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker, Tolbert, who is a douchebag, stated that they were "pretty damn good, pretty darn good."

Some have called for Tolbert to be fired. Considering it happen four minutes ago, and I haven't talk to anyone in that period of time, it might be more accurate to say that one person is calling for his firing.

In an age of sex and violence, we don't need our children to listen to this filth during the family hour of television, midnight eastern time. I know I don't want my children to be a witness to this shit. Now, I don't currently have children, but if my sperm is able to come through as I ejaculate in a woman's vagina, they will materialize. Then they may get a tape of this Rockets-Warriors clash of the titans in the middle of December, 20 games into an 82 game season, 20 years from now. And then who knows what will happen. They might turn gay, or kill a motherfucker or two, or even worse yet, they may start saying "damn." America is losing the war against sleaze, and Mr. Tolbert needs to be made an example of.


Neither Tolbert nor ESPN could be reached for comment.

Michael Jackson's Music

I can't figure out why, but ever since Michael Jackson had sex with this last kid, I've really started to enjoy his music. I was never really a big fan before. I hope it's just a coincidence.

This is particularly odd, because I am strongly against grown men jerking off little kids. I swear.

The Saddam - O.J. Link

I must apologize to my readers, which as far as I can surmise consists of Kristen- if she's not busy at work, Lynn, and Asa. I had this idea that would link the O.J. Simpson and Saddam Hussein trials together earlier in the week, but I got lazy.

Then Saturday Night Live beat me to it. They went with the whole "Tony Bennett-I don't want to play golf with Saddam Hussein-thing." I mean that's cool, whatever. I was gonna go with the "Why does Saddam Hussein get to yell at the judge when O.J. Simpson didn't get to? O.J. should get to yell at a judge!-angle" But what's done is done.

So, I was humiliated... again. It's cool. It's not as bad as what happened today. I don't have any clean underwear, so I just wore pajama pants. Well, I wanted to go out to Wendy's Restaurant for dinner, considering I hadn't been out of the house (save shoveling the snow on Friday) for three days so I put jeans over my pajama pants. Anyway, when I got back home, I tried to take my jeans off standing up. My jeans and my pajama pants got stuck underneath my foot. I tripped and fell down bare-assed, with both pairs of pants around my knees. Luckily for me, I have no friends, and thus no one saw.

This one goes out to Quentin Richardson.

The End of the Twins

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning for the last three months on my way back to my car from class, I pass by twins. They are male, tall, lanky, and geeky looking. Just the sight of them pisses me off for some reason. I just feel like snapping and kicking their asses, but I resist the urge.

However, I don't hate them based on looks. Well, not solely anyway. Ok, pretty much only based on their appearance, but there is another issue. They never walk side-by-side. One is always a few feet behind the other.* I don't know if they switch who walks in front or not, 'cause they're twins remember. And every time but once they have walked by in silence. One time in three months did they talk to each other while walking from their car(s) to class! That just pisses me off!

But I just had my last class of the semester. Their tyranny is over!


key:
* - not in the same way as when Sherkhan would walk too fucking fast in China. Yes, YOU walked too fast, it wasn't my fault! Plus, I have little legs. And I enjoy taking my sweet time, life is precious. It is to be enjoyed. And if I walk fast it irritates my hemorrhoids. Oops.

Get Ready For Passover!

The first night of Passover is some four months away or so (I don't have a calendar for next year yet), and I've already caught the Seder fever! (different from bird flu). It's never too early to start obnoxiously celebrating Passover! Time to put up your ostentatious Passover decorations all over your house so that it shines bright red into my window all night long! The best part of all, it's not tacky one bit!

Of course, we can't celebrate the actual religious meaning of Passover, because then those gentiles will be on our asses, so we celebrate the birth of Jes- uh; the Jews' emancipation from slavery in Egypt in a covert secular way that still lets us offensively throw our own beliefs into the face of others.

I can't wait to not eat anything leavened four months early this year, just to get a head start!!! Mmmmm, matzo!

Merry Passover everyone!

Michael Jordan and India

The merchants of the Malabar Coast in the thirteenth century were like Michael Jordan; they were flashy and traveled a lot.

Hahahaha! Take that Michael Jordan! Why don't you go gamble on golf and cheat on your wife again. (Ian, should I go with a dead father joke here, or take the classy road?)