Gandhi and Hitler

We tend to treat Mahatma Gandhi as a god and Adolph Hitler as the epitome of evil. The reality is that both are mere human beings. They are not too different from ourselves.

We tend to label them as Good or Evil as a way to distance ourselves from our potential of becoming one or the other. If Gandhi is a god, then we don't need to hold ourselves to the same standard as he did for himself. If Hitler is Evil, then we can rest assured in knowing that we will never duplicate that Evil.

Gandhi was a man of many faults. Hitler was a man of many good qualities. Gandhi's faults do not outweigh his good and Hitler's qualities do not outweigh his evil. But they are reminders of the humanity of these men. They were both complex beings and their roles in human history should not be diminished by oversimplifying those complexities.

More relevant is that we must understand that we have the capacity for good or evil that these men possessed. We may not have the opportunity to act on our good or evil impulses at this point, but they are there. So we must use every moment to better ourselves while recognizing our capacity for evil lies just under the surface.

Deconstructing Hank Williams's Comments

Hank Williams Jr. compared Obama and Boehner playing golf to Hitler and Netanyahu playing golf. He later elaborated that Obama is the enemy.

As you know, I love a good Hitler reference as much as the next guy. In fact, just a few days before this controversy, I taunted another owner in my fantasy football league, "It's time to destroy a guy who has been mistaken for my twin and actually likes pulpy orange juice. You know who else has been mistaken for my twin and liked pulpy orange juice? Hitler."

The problem with Hank's Hitler metaphor is that it made absolutely no fucking sense. No matter what side of the political divide you're on, I don't see how Obama and Boehner playing golf together is bad. So, he's making a really stupid point to begin with.

But the use of Netanyahu is really where a simple Czarist pogrom turns into a Hitler-like holocaust. Netanyahu is, of course, the Prime Minister of Israel. Israel existed only after 1948. Hitler died in 1945. Netanyahu himself was born in 1949.

But even if we enter some mythical land where Netanyahu is the Prime Minister of Israel while Hitler is in power in Germany, playing golf could be a positive thing. For Hitler, it would be a good PR stunt. For Netanyahu, it would be a chance to humanize Jews in Hitler's eyes. At the very least, it's an opportunity to beat Hitler at golf and further dispel his belief in the superiority of the Aryan race.

How Obama and Boehner relate to any of that is totally beyond me. Much like the brown-haired guy on Fox and Friends who isn't Steve Ducey, I just can't wrap my head around the metaphor. But then again, I'm not hammered right now.

Shocking Ending to Hitler's Reign

Adolf Hitler, who assumed his position as chancellor on January 30 of this year, has been forced to resign amid allegations that he tweeted and texted several pictures of his penis to female acquaintances during his brief stint as chancellor.

The mess began last week when a picture of what appeared to be a bulge in Hitler's pants surfaced on the web. The chancellor initially denied sending the tweet to a 21 year old woman from Dusseldorf, claiming that his computer had been "hacked by filthy Jews."

As Hitler continued his denials, more pictures of him in sexual positions were exposed. The coup de grace was a text received by a female soccer reporter that featured Hitler's uncircumcised genitalia. The reporter, who asked to remain nameless, released several texts evidentially sent by Hitler.

One read: Damn you sexy. I hope youre not a Jew :)

Hitler has not been a stranger to controversy in the two months he has been in charge. Late last month, a fire burned down the Reichstag. Hitler attempted to blame his political opponents for the carnage. But in light of the recent sex scandal, it is now clear that Hitler's accusations are part of a wider string of lies and other falsehoods.

With pressure mounting from within his own Nazi party, Hitler was forced to leave his post today. In a press conference, a sullen Hitler apologized, "It is with great sadness that I feel I must leave my post today. I had a great vision for Germany. But I have let down the people closest to me. I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused."

As of today, Franz von Papen will reassume the chancellorship.

People Worse than Hitler

George W. Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Donald Rumsfeld, fans of the Boston Celtics, Marvin Hamlisch, Robert Mugabe, Rabbi David Kaye, Hunter Wendelstedt, Rod Stewart, Osama Bin Laden, and John Ratzenberger.

It is possible to say someone is worse than Hitler and be funny, but it doesn't always work. To say Vanilla Ice is worse than Hitler is funny, because it is humorous hyperbole. In reality, Vanilla Ice is in no way worse than Hitler (except for rapping. If you've ever heard Hitler free style about how much he hates the Jews, Gypsies, and gays, you know what I mean. Yes, the subject matter is hateful, but it's still impressive, especially in such a tough language to flow in like German).

Saying that George Bush is worse than Hitler is simply ignorant. There are plenty of valid reasons to criticize Bush, but to say he's worse than Hitler just weakens your argument against him and shows a lack of perspective about Hitler's crimes.

I think it's acceptable for people to say offensive things, but it MUST be FUNNY! That is the key. In my experience, it's hard for people to be offensive about a group with which they don't belong and still be funny. It becomes easier when you say something offensive about people from a higher status than you on the socio-economic scale. White gentiles try to make a cheap Jew joke in front of me and think they're edgy. Please, that's so pedestrian. I've never heard a gentile say something funny about the Holocaust. I've heard plenty of Jews make hilarious jokes about the Holocaust. We just understand how to flip the pain in a funny manner. That pain isn't yours, so you don't.

Dinesh, Jesus, and Adolph

I watched a debate recently which involved Dinesh D'Souza arguing that Christianity was the most positive force in the world and atheism is one of the most destructive. D'Souza said that the murderous regimes of Mao, Stalin, and Hitler were all fueled by their atheism. Unfortunately for D'Souza's argument, Adolph Hitler was Christian.

I can see why Christians may not want to scream that Hitler was one of them from the mountain tops. Hitler didn't go to church, but he was raised as a Christian and even identified as one. He believed he was performing the Lord's work. Besides being factually accurate, Hitler as a Christian makes a lot more sense than Hitler as an aethist. He despised Jews and homosexuals; between Christians and atheists, who does that sound more like? Atheists don't really have any justification (real or imagined) to hate those two specific groups.

I don't think D'Souza was intentionally dishonest. I believe he was intellectually lazy. Perhaps he grew up with the belief that Hitler was not Christian because his church probably taught him so. Hey, it's easier when you're a kid and don't share a faith with any genocidal dictators. Unfortunately for Christian kids and Dinesh D'Souza's argument, Hitler was a Christian. He also tried to argue that the Spanish Inquisition really wasn't all that bad. On behalf of my Muslim brothers and sisters and my fellow Jews: fuck you asshole!

My Interview With Hitler

Me: Welcome Adolph Hitler.

Me: How are you?

Me: Um well, I'm going to ask you some questions that have been on mind for a while. Where did your hatred for Jews and other so-called non-aryans come from?

Me: Why did you hate so much?

Me: Was mass extermination your objective from the beginning or did it develop throughout your tenure as ruler of Germany?

Me: Do you feel any remorse for murdering so many people and causing so much pain?

Me: Finally, how does it feel to know that the grandson of Holocaust survivors has such a wonderful life?


And then Hitler doesn't say anything, because he's dead.

Me Tutoring Little Hitler

Here are excerpts from my hypothetical tutoring sessions with a 9-year old Adolph Hitler:

Me: Ok, Adolph, keep reading.
Little Hitler: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Ok, but you need to keep reading after.
Little Hitler: Do you go to church?
Me: Well, no. I'm Jewish. [And I don't go to synagogue either.]
Little Hitler: Jewish? What's that?
Me: I'm Jewish, that's my religion.
Little Hitler: Oh, what am I?
Me: Judging by the fact that we're surrounded by pictures of Jesus right now, I'd say you're Christian.
Little Hitler: So I'm Christian? And you're what again?
Me: Jewish.
Little Hitler: Jewish. That's a funny word. Jewish, Jewish. That's so funny.

A week later
Little Hitler: Here's my book for church. I have to memorize these things and answer these questions.
Me: Oh, that's fun.
Little Hitler: No it's not, it's hard. Are these right?
Me: Let me see. Hmm, well it's multiple choice. Which are the words of the Lord? A) Table of Contents B) Genesis C) Page numbers. Genesis, yeah, you're right.
Little Hitler: Oh what do you know, you're Jewish.
Me: [I'm Jewish, I'm not retarded. Plus the answers are upside-down on the bottom of the page] But that doesn't matter. Jewish people can still know those things.
Little Hitler: Look the answers are right here. I was right, yay!
Me: See, good job.

Another week later
Little Hitler: Is this spider bad?
Me: The black widow spider? Yes, if it bites you, you're dead.
Little Hitler: Oh no, is it going to bite me?
Me: No no. It lives very far away. Everything will be ok.
Little Hitler: Are you sure? I'm scared.
Me: Awww, it's ok, it's far away. It won't get you. Don't worry.
Little Hitler: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, it's very far away. I promise you. [There are many other things that are far more frightening in the world that you should worry about]. You're safe. Please don't worry.
Little Hitler: What do you know you're Jewish.
Me: [What does me being Jewish have to do with spiders?] That doesn't matter, trust me, it's far away.

Two months later
Little Hitler: There's a girl in my school; she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: Um, ok.
Little Hitler: I want to chop her head off.
Me: Why? [Maybe she was mean to him]
Little Hitler: Because she's a-half-a-Jew.
Me: [Yikes, what are you gonna do to a whole Jew?] Oh.

Three days later
Little Hitler: I hate Jewish Christmas.
Me: Well, it's called Chanukah. [I really wish I didn't describe it as Jewish Christmas] Why do you hate it?
Little Hitler: Because it's stupid. I hate it. There's no Santa Claus.
Me: [Wait, did he mean there's no Santa Claus in Chanukah or was that a different topic? Shit.] No, Chanukah's nice. We give presents.
Little Hitler: No it's stupid and you're stupid. I hate you.
Me: Well that's a mean thing to say. I like you. I like you because you're nice.
Little Hitler: I don't like you, because you're a meany Jew.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. How have I been mean to you?
Little Hitler: Because you're Jewish. You start all of the wars in the world. You drink the blood of baby Christians. You killed the Lord, Jesus Christ. You control the banks and don't lend money to hardworking people because you are a greedy and kniving group. You will be the reason why Germany will lose in the future war, World War I. You control the liberal media. You control Hollywood. You have big noses. And you have horns.
Me: Maybe, but I know about spiders!


Possibly inspired by interactions (i.e. exact quotes, portions of precise conversations) with a 9-year old student that I tutor (at least the first four and half episodes).

Things Hitler Ruined

I want to wish us Americans Happy Thanksgiving and everyone else, well, a nice Thursday. And what better way to show my appreciation for living than an evaluation of the things that Hitler ruined for the rest of the world.

Because Hitler was such a bad guy, he took these things out of vogue, thus ruining them for the rest of us:

• The name Adolph.
• The surname Hitler.
• His mustache style.
• Being Austrian.
• Living in Germany.
• Vegetarianism.
• Sex with a hot shiksa.
• Being a failed art student.
• Yelling in the German language.
• Slightly raised straight-arm salutes.
• The swastika.
• Being a totalitarian dictator.
• Killing Jews.
• Nazis.
• Armbands.

And last but not least, I tried to start a camp to help kids with ADD focus better. But no one wanted to send their kids to my concentration camp. Wow! I apologize for that one. I'm gonna eat some turkey and come back refreshed.

More On Hitler's Personal Life

Adolf Hitler used to lick public toilet seats (men's and women's). Through this hobby, he developed mustache crabs.


If Hitler was alive today, I wouldn't smack him around. Violence against him wouldn't help anything; it wouldn't bring back the dead. I don't fight fire with fire, I fight it with water. So, I'd wait until we were stuck in an elevator in between floors and then piss my pants and let it fester.*



* author's note - I'm used to the smell of my own urine.

The New 14 Words

"My arm hurts from heiling Hitler. I can't count, how many words is that?"

Hitler's Humor

Adolph Hitler always kept the personality of a failed artist with him throughout his life. During the era of Germany's great depression, Hitler used to wear a self-made T-shirt that said:

“Mustache rides, 33 billion reichmarks”


He adjusted for hyperinflation.

Conservatives Compare Bush to Hitler

This article examines several anti-war conservatives' opposition to not only the Iraq war, but their fears that the Bush administration is moving towards fascism. Asa sent me this article, and I decided to post it because I wanted to give various perspectives on this blog and not simply post articles that reinforce my own. However, I would like to mention that I disagree with many of the author's statements. Here are two examples:

"The emergence of terrorism as the central security issue had to lead, at the very least, to increased domestic surveillance—of Muslim immigrants especially. War is the health of the state…"

Uh, no.

"… a deep gratitude for their success in the Anglo-American world…"

Juh?


Here are some provoking comments from the article, taken out of context of course.

"One of the biggest right-wing talk-radio hosts regularly calls for the mass destruction of Arab cities. Letters that come to this magazine from the pro-war Right leave no doubt that their writers would welcome the jailing of dissidents."

"The new ideology of the red-state bourgeoisie seems to actually believe that the US is God marching on earth—not just godlike, but really serving as a proxy for God himself."

"Now the word ‘freedom’ has become a newly invoked justification for the occupation of a country that did not attack us, whose people have not greeted our soldiers as liberators…"

"… hungry to bomb foreigners and smash those Americans who might object."

"those from Christian Zionists may quote Scripture about the Israeli-Palestinian dispute in ways that are maddeningly nonrational and indisputably pre-Enlightenment,"

Link:
http://www.amconmag.com/2005_02_14/article.html