The Man to Save America Nae the World

Levita and John Edward together produced more than just great barbecue. Their youngest son is a famous chef. Their eldest son is the only human who can save our divided country and polarized world from imploding into extinction. Only one person can quell humanity's hostility and contentiousness.

John Junior assumed the nickname "Skip" when he was seven years old in honor of his preferred method of transportation to school. The precocious youngster valued education even more than one of his parents' pulled pork sandwiches. His formal learning instilled in the boy values of truth, of critical thinking, and of consideration before one speaks that have not particularly come to define his life and work.

Skip Bayless spent his high school years as the big man on Northwest Classen's campus in Oklahoma City. He was blessed with the good looks of a slightly withered Mel Torme and gifted with the charisma of a sweaty gym sock. Bayless dominated the basketball court averaging nearly 1.5 points per game on the junior varsity squad as a senior. That year, the not-valedictorian soon became enamored with the ancient fairy-tale Three Billy Goats Gruff. The fable inspired a lifelong love of trolls. He spent much of twelfth grade hiding under the Crosstown Bridge accosting passersby with riddles. Bayless was so popular as a teen. fellow classmate and country music star Vince Gill wrote songs about Skip, including 1995's Which Bridge to Cross (Which Bridge to Burn) and 2006's Building Bridges.

Bayless, who has an uncomfortably deep Christian faith, played tight end on the football team at Stanford despite going to Vanderbilt University. He was a Rhodes Scholar and studied at Oxford (Texas). With the Vietnam War raging, Watergate bubbling, and violence in the Middle East, Bayless decided to go into the far more important world of sports journalism, where he lived out his dream of becoming a troll.

The best sports journalist and personality to ever live, Bayless supported Troy Aikman when his head coach Barry Switzer outed the Dallas Cowboys quarterback in Skip's book. For the record there is no indication that Aikman is actually gay, but that's beside the point. This pillar of journalistic integrity courageously stood up to convention more than a decade later, the lone voice howling in the wind when he claimed LeBron James is not a good basketball player. When Bayless isn't challenging well established fact, he's hurling false accusations plucked from the toilet of Twitter at professional athletes, thereby distracting the public from their actual bad press.

Stirring the pot and challenging convention is exactly what we need now. We are angry. We are at each other's throats. Only one man can save us. Every moment of Skip's life has been geared towards this one purpose. We need to stop the hatred towards one another and redirect it towards something- or someone- else. We need to focus all of our animosity towards one man, our savior, the conceited king of contrived controversy.