As your beloved and benevolent leader, it is my duty to announce the tragic death of Hermann Buttersward. Hermann Buttersward, who was a journalist under the pen name John Wallibee, died today of an apparent suicide. He reportedly tied himself up and slowly lowered himself into a shark tank. That seems to be a popular method of suicide of late. It is sad that a man in a position of power could throw it all away by desecrating his own country. His suicide note has been attained.
Dear World,
I feel as if I have failed my country and its Dear and Fearless Leader and must pay with my own life. Long live the Great Protector of the Populace! See you on the other side.
Peace,
Hermann Buttersward
A shame really. In other news, Tajikistan is at it again. They recently made negative references to our mothers.
Today's decrees
All persons who commit the heinous act of suicide by slowly lowering themselves into a shark tank will henceforth be considered persona non grata in our nation.
We call on all nations of the free and civilized world to honor our trade embargo of Tajikistan, specifically regarding cashews and cashew-related products.
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