Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Afghan Civil War: The Movie

Often times a movie will end with a brief written update about various characters within the film. If I made a movie about the civil war in Afghanistan, this is what I would write at the end for each character:

Hamid Karzai was appointed interim president of Afghanistan in 2002. He was "elected" to a full term as president in 2004, a position that he holds to this day. His nickname is the Mayor of Kabul.
__________
Mullah Omar's whereabouts are still unknown. From hiding, the beleaguered mullah continues to support the Taliban cause.
__________
After being marginalized by the Taliban, Gulbuddin Hekmatyar moved to Queens and opened up a German bakery. In 2008, he returned to Afghanistan to continue his quest for power.
__________
Ismail Khan returned to Herat after the U.S. invasion where he is an assistant manager at a Kinkos and the leading warlord in western Afghanistan.
__________
Ahmad Shah Masoud is still dead.
__________
Rashid Dostum became a gay porn actor under the name of Pound MaAnus. Eventually he would return to become the defacto ruler of northern Afghanistan.
__________
Mohammed Fahim practices for upcoming battles by playing endless hours of World of Warcraft.
__________
Burhanuddin Rabbani still can't buy a clue.
__________
Osama bin Laden continues to run his global campaign of terror from a falafel stand in White Plains, New York.
__________

Fin

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