Baseball Wrap-Up

Another baseball season and yet more demons exorcised. Despite poor playoff performances by umpires, the game is strong, surviving a steroid scandal. The White Sox showed that great pitching is as exciting as juice-induced homeruns. But this year to me meant the return home of a team. It meant Wednesday nights at the ballpark in anxious anticipation, rooting for a scrappy team from Washington for the first time in my life. Most of all, it meant fun.

Turn On The Lights

To my fellow D.C. metro area drivers:

Turn on your fucking lights! It's raining like you've sinned against Jesus (the one true Lord) and foggy as all Heaven. I can't see you, you fucker. Turn them on!

Twins

So we got some cold rain today and its very windy. I saw twins walking in the rain together at George Mason. They were two tall, geeky looking guys. One was holding the umbrella for both of them.

It made me think: how did they determine which twin had to hold the umbrella? Was it his turn? Did they play a never-ending game of rock-paper-scissors? Never-ending because they probably have that psychic twin thing.

Boggles the mind.

Helping Out A Friend

This is dedicated to a special friend who will remain nameless. He appears unsure of his identity and I would like to help him. I want him to know that I will be there for him every step of the way as he attempts to figure himself out.

You might be gay when...
-you constantly recount the time when your buddy was in your apartment naked.
-you like sticking your balls in other guys' faces.
-you make a lot of gay jokes to overcompensate.
-you make a lot of jokes about women to overcompensate.
-you take off your shirt, put on Bridgette Jones #2, then slide into my bed and eat snacks while I was trying to watch some Chinese soccer.
-you are male and you have a wet dream while sleeping in the same bed as me.
-you play "gay chicken" with me, when no one else is in the apartment and I'm just trying to watch Monday Night Football on your small ass tv.
-you "bang-cock" people just so you can have an excuse to touch male genitalia.
-your name is ....


I'm here for you.

Rally Monkey Throws His Poop

The Angels got screwed hard like Ronald Goldman's father. Not because of that whole O.J. Simpson thing, he's just likes it rough. Call after call, the umpires fucked the Angels like they wouldn't go to hell for it. They will. Only one of the numerous calls against the Angels was correct. The clinching play really, when Escobar tagged Pierzynki (or some shit) with his glove while the ball was in his bare hand. The Peirzinky (or some shit) play to end Game 2, where he reached first after a phantom drop of strike three, did change the momentum of the series. The Angels would not win again. The were no Angels in the outfield, unless they were the spirits of the 1919 Black Sox.

The Cardinals also got hosed in Game 4. Sure, throw out LaRussa, but Jim Edmonds? That really was bullshit. You people should blame that ump, not Jason Marquis. Or, if you are going to blame Jason Marquis, just don't blame the rest of us. He's the one who sucked it up big time, we just see him at services. I must admit, I'm really starting to dislike the Astros and their fans, especially George Bush. Partly it is political, partly it is because I want to crawl inside Barbara Bush, but George is still there, yes I admit to both, but beyond both of those reasons, George Bush's face is just annoying. So that Pujols homer was vindicating. Especially since the announcers were reading Busch Stadiums eulogy and recounting the tortured history of the Astros, finally reaching triumph. Suck on that.

George Bush's Gay Agenda

What is the "Gay Agenda"? Christian conservatives believe it is one set of goals, while in actuality, it is probably something different.

The Gay Agenda
-Perhaps, going to a movie with the nice guy you met at the library.
-Maybe going to a club to have a few drink and dance.
-Staying in and hanging with friends.
-Going out to dinner.
-Watching tv.


Not The Gay Agenda
-Turning everyone else gay.
-Destroying the American family.
-Having sex with "traditional values" in the butt.
-Making Pat Robertson's son gay.
-Abortions.
-Having sex with goats or other animals.
-Becoming a Catholic priest and having sex with little boys. (I know someone who a virile heterosexual, but likes fingering little boys. This is "pedophilia", which is a different word with a different meaning than "homosexual." Pedophilia is immoral, illegal, and the perpetrator should be institutionalized, while homosexuality is like heterosexuality except different. Basically, if you're a man then you like dudes instead of chicks. That's about it.)
-Spreading STDs.
-Gaying up America.

Hopefully that clears some things up a bit.

Message From Grandpa 2

Grandpa comes back to his car from the bank.

Grandpa: Why you in the driver's seat?
Me: What the hell took so long? I'm here 'cause you're double parked. Plus, you not only left the car door unlocked, but you left the door wide open, in the Bronx with your two grandsons in the backseat! What the fuck were you thinking?
Grandpa: Oh. Ok.

I've Noticed

On a Chevy commercial a spokesperson said, "We guarantee that you'll get an estimated 30 miles per gallon." How can you guarantee an estimate? That shit's pointless.

Announcing the NLCS, Fox broadcaster Thom Brennamen (he's actually the one that I like) said that the Astros' closer Brad Lidge was the most unhitable pitcher. How can you be the most unhitable? You're either unhitable (no one can get a hit off of you) or you're hitable. Brad Lidge is the "least hitable pitcher" makes more sense Thom. I'm just helping you out.

Yes this is knit-picky, but I don't have anyone to watch tv with and make these inane comments to. So until that someone appears, you will have to suffer.

Yom Kippur

Today Muslims and Jews will be fasting at the same time. Hopefully we take some time during the day to think about each other and the fact that we will be going through the same experience.

Jews and Muslims are awesome for fasting, not like the Christians. Those world dominating conspiratorial bastar... What? That's not in the spirit of peace and harmony? Ok, ok. I'll try again.

May Jews' and Muslims' fast be easy yet enlightening and may Christians be granted the gift of empathy. A nod to the Hindus as well. The Buddhists, the Zoroastrians, and the "Others," a happy Thursday to you too.

Message From Grandpa

My grandpa is gone now, but he deserves a voice. Even if he were alive, the only way he'd have a voice on the internet is if I wrote it for him, so it doesn't really matter either way. From time to time, I'll try to provide a window into his world through his own words.

Grandpa's driving in Bronx, New York on a road that has two lanes in each direction. Grandpa pulls up right in the middle. My brother and I are in the backseat. I'm maybe 12 years old.

I look at my brother puzzled, he looks back at me astonished.

Me: Uh, Grandpa... I don't think this is a lane.
Grandpa: This is New York! We make our own lanes!!