The SUV

This SUV was tailgating me in the neighborhood. It swerved, consuming my driver-side mirror. I pulled over and it zoomed past me. I made a split second decision to follow it.

All day long I had been trying to focus on feeling love for everyone. I meandered around the outdoor shopping center looking hard at people, attempting to see their inner light. I reminded myself that to love others, I have to love myself. To love myself, I told myself that everything will work out the way it's supposed. By believing everything will always work out the way it's intended, I won't beat myself up for things that I perceive to be bad. Then, I will be able to feel good about myself and my actions and give love to perfect strangers.

The SUV turned right into a street without an outlet. The SUV turned left into a driveway. I stopped my car with the window open, waiting for the driver to get out. He did. He was a 30-something round Asian man. he wore a baggy plain gray t-shirt, khaki shorts, and flip flops. "Excuse me, sir. Why were you tailgating me back there?" I asked in an aggravated tone.

"Dude, I wasn't tailgating you," he replied as he hesitantly sauntered over to my car.
"Yes you were! You were on top of me! You were tailgating me and..." just then, a small child hopped out of the back seat, "...AND YOU HAVE A CHILD WITH YOU!" I yelled in utter disbelief.

"I didn't want to say this, but you pulled out right in front of the car in front of you," He said. We were both shaking from a mixture of anger and nerves.
"Huh? I can't believe you were tailgating me with a child in your car!"
"I wasn't tailgating, dude. You slowed down in front of the car in front of you."
"What?"

"You made a left turn back there, right?" I had. I told him so. "The car in front of you had to slow down.I had enough room, but the car in front of you had to slow down."
"There was no car in front of me." I decided to try to understand what he was saying. "You were over here." I showed him with my right hand, my fingers heading left. "There was a car over here, coming this way." It was headed in the opposite direction. I used my left hand and moved it right. "I made a left."

"Yes. I saw the car other car break. You jumped out right in front of it."
"How could you see that car brake? You were coming from the other direction. You couldn't see that," I scoffed.
"I saw it slowdown."
"You couldn't have seen that. I love how you're trying to change the subject." My voice rose. "The issue is you were driving with a child and fucking tailgating me!"
"Hey, don't use that language in front of him."

I instantly felt bad for doing so. I was caught up in the moment and upset. But, I answered, "That's not as bad as tailgating. That's dangerous. If I stop, BAM!" I showed him a crash with my two hands. "That's dangerous. You put that child in danger. You put that child in danger!"

And that seemed like a good moment to stop the conversation.

Later, while walking in the park, I thought, 'That was a ridiculous conversation that didn't need to happen."

Or did it?

The Candy Cure

My fellow citizens, my Minister of Women has notified me of a new effective aphrodisiac. He told me that I can actually entice women to make love to me willingly. I was so astonished; I couldn't image having sex without having to rape, the two seemed like an indivisible married couple. He said that studies have shown the smell of the candy Good & Plenty makes women 40% more sexually aroused than normal.

I was flabbergasted. I though the dream of a woman willingly engaging in the act of making love with me was something that only happened in romance novels and to other people. Who knew it could also happen to the wealthiest and most powerful man in his country?

Today's decrees
The purchase or use of the candy Good & Plenty is now outlawed.

Tomorrow is Lady's Night in our country. I hereby decree all females to get their booties on the dance floor.

Knicks Fan Hurt Hand Punching Glass

After hearing that Knicks forward Amar'e Stoudemire injured his hand punching glass casing in anger after the team's ten-point Game 2 loss yesterday, a Knicks fan- yours truly- was so angry at Stoudemire's actions that he also punched some glass, badly wounding his hand.

Only one of the two hand injuries will negatively affect the Knicks' playoff chances this season.

What makes Stoudemire's injury worse is that he is Jewish. It's the most shameful act by a Jew since Bernie Madoff's pyramid scam.

"I've been a Knicks fan all my life. When it turned out that Amar'e has Jewish heritage, it made me an even bigger fan of his. It was great. A Jew on the Knicks! And now this. It's embarrassing," said New York Knicks fan, me.

Amar'e Stoudemire could not be reached for comment, mostly because I don't even want to speak with him right now.

The Knicks and the Refs

The first half, particularly the second quarter, of Game 1 was the most one-sided officiating job I've ever seen. The referees went out of their ways to privilege the Miami Heat over the Knicks. Every block-charge call went Miami's way. Both teams were hacked on the way to the basket and yet the free throw attempts margin was embarrassing. Over twice as many fouls were called on the Knicks.

The worst was the flagrant foul called on Tyson Chandler. Chandler set a screen that LeBron backed into. LeBron flopped and was awarded two free throws and the ball, even after the refs checked it out on replay.

Game 2 was better officiated, but a Heat player set a similar screen on Baron Davis and, not only was a flagrant not called, nothing was called. I know the NBA wants Miami in the NBA Finals, but they need at least pretend to have balanced officiating.

2012 NBA Playoff Predictions

I predicted 15 of the 16 playoff teams. Who knew Portland would collapse? I want to pick the Knicks. If they played anyone but the Heat, I think they could win. If they limit turnovers, rebound,shoot well from three, Carmelo plays defense and passes the ball at the right times, and Amar'e plays outstanding, the Knicks will beat the Heat. That's a lot to ask for. I think I have to go with the Heat for credibility's sake. I hope I;m wrong.

The Bulls will beat the 76ers 4-1. The Pacers will beat the Magic 4-1. The Hawks will beat the Celtics 4-3. The Bulls will beat the Hawks 4-0. The Heat will beat the Pacers 4-1. The Heat will beat the Pacers 4-2.

In the West, the Spurs will beat the Jazz 4-1. The Thunder will beat the Mavs 4-3. The Lakers will beat the Nuggets 4-2. The Grizzlies will beat the Clippers 4-3. The Grizzlies will beat the Spurs 4-2. The Thunder will beat the Lakers 4-1. The Thunder will beat the Grizzlies 4-2.

The Heat over the Thunder 4-1.

Hockey New England Racism

The Caps Joel Ward scored the series winning goal over Boston on Wednesday. Then, Twitter exploded with racist tweets from Boston fans. Many called Ward the n-word. It made me sad and angry. But it gives further clout to my theory that New England is the Mississippi of the North.

In defense of Boston's racism: From The New York Times, "Richard Johnson, curator of the Sports Museum of New England, pointed out that the Bruins were the first N.H.L. team to draft a black player. Many black athletes, he said, have been embraced here. “If you were to create a pantheon of the 10 most beloved and respected athletes in town, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce would be three of them,” he said, referring to three current Celtics stars."

Garnett, Pierce, and Allen weren't on the team in 1954. They play now! Basically, the defense for Boston is: Well, we can root for black athletes now without calling them the n-word.

Connecticut is covered in swastikas.

There are very few minorities elsewhere in New England for a reason.

It's Good and There's Plenty

I read somewhere that the scent of Good & Plenty turns on both men and women. It's like ten times more potent than cologne or perfume. I wanted to see if it was true, so I stuck a Good & Plenty in my penis hole and roamed the streets.

Turns out, it works! Women were all over me trying to suck out the Good & Plenty. They didn't know why. They just did. But so did men because the erotic allure of Good & Plenty doesn;t discriminate based on gender or sexual preference.

Predictions For College Players in the NBA

This is the fifth and likely last year we've done these type of predictions. We are predicting who will have the better pro career, not who will be drafted higher or who will have the better rookie season.

D.J. Cooper, Aaron Craft, Scoop Jardine, Kendall Marshall.
me: Cooper, Craft, Marshall, Jardine.
Ian: Marshall, Craft, Jardine, Cooper.
Mike: Marshall, Craft, Jardine, Cooper.

Anthony Davis, Thomas Robinson, Henry Sims, Jared Sullinger, Tyler Zeller.
me: Davis, Zeller, Robinson, Sims, Sullinger.
Ian: Sullinger, Davis, Robinson, Zeller, Sims.
Mike: Davis, Robinson, Sullinger, Zeller, Sims.

Seth Curry, James Michael McAdoo, Austin Rivers.
me: McAdoo, Rivers, Curry.
Ian: Curry, McAdoo, Rivers.
Mike: Rivers, McAdoo, Curry.

Dwight Howard vs. Stan Van Gundy

Stan Van Gundy and Dwight Howard are getting killed for their bizarre interview yesterday. Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Shaquille O'Neal all blame Van Gundy for going public with the news that Howard asked Magic senior management to fire Van Gundy. The TNT analysts are wrong. Some writers on NBA.com have called Howard a child. They're wrong.

Howard has every right to ask management to fire Van Gundy. However, he must be prepared for the consequences if he does. Management could rebuke his request. His request could get back to Van Gundy. It could go public and Howard would take a massive PR hit. All have happened.

Van Gundy has every right to be honest. Why should he have to lie for Howard? Howard drew the line when he asked for Van Gundy to be fired. Either management will back Howard or Van Gundy. There's really no reason for Van Gundy to lie to the public to protect Howard. So he should lose trust with the public in order to protect a guy who wants him fired? To ask him to do that is to not have a good grasp of reality.

I can relate to Howard's request to have his boss fired. I can relate to Van Gundy releasing that information. I can't relate to Howard's arrogant interview yesterday. The phoniness of putting his arm around Van Gundy as if to show solidarity was too much for me to take. His continued lying to reporters (and consequently the public) after he had been caught lying was aggravating. That was the only issue with the entire situation I've has a problem with. Howard was clearly two-faced and that's not a quality I respect.

Howard is a fun-loving guy. He's also known to be sensitive and takes things personally. He doesn't like to be viewed as the bad guy. He may not take the the game of basketball quite as seriously as LeBron or Kobe. He doesn't possess the same will to win. I don't think there's anything wrong with any of that. In my mind, he's the third or fourth best player in the league without that killer instinct. His personality shouldn't be criticized; the duplicity he showed in yesterday's interview should be, however.

Santorum is Racist

I believe Rick Santorum was about to call President Obama the n-word in a speech last week. When I listen to a song repeatedly on a CD, I begin to hear the next song on the CD instinctively. That's what happened with Santorum. He's so used to describing the supposed contradictions between Candidate Obama and President Obama in those salty terms, it just comes out naturally.

Remember, Santorum gives his speeches extemporaneously, he's not reading from a teleprompter. That lends more credence to the belief that he was in the middle of calling President Obama the n-word. Also, remember, his "blah people" gaffe. Santorum is no stranger to catching himself int he middle of a racially-motivated verbal attack. He also told Puerto Ricans that they need to learn English if they want to become a state. So, he has a history of racist remarks during this campaign.

Santorum has tried to portray himself as a goodie two shoes. But let us not forget that he unleashed a a swear word at a New York Times reporter not long ago. So salty language spewing from his mouth is not an unknown occurrence.

I's hard to imagine Santorum was about to say anything else. He was searching a noun. What noun starts with "nig" with that specific pronunciation? Then, after catching his mistake, he trails off with a completely unrelated sentence.

 We can only hope this spells the end of Santorum's public life.