The Moderate Times

The HarazQuack Times is far more moderate than its proprietor. Many people use the comfort of the internet's anonymity to say the craziest shit that comes to their minds. For the most part, I let my reasonable side shine through. I mean, just read how cordial I was towards those neo-nazis... Done? See? Now imagine what I wanted to say. If you said "they are baby rapers," then you are right.

In politics, I talk about Democrats this and Republicans that. In reality, white Christian men run the country and they use the other groups in America. Black people are the most hated group. The power system will stop at nothing to make these people suffer. I have no idea where this hatred comes from, but I could rattle off about 100 examples of how the system conspires to make their lives suck right now, and I'm not even black! For Americans, unless you're a neo-nazi baby raper or stand to gain from the system (many times the same thing), you know that all people of color are treated like shit.

Jews have been racialized as white in the last 50 years. This way we can be used as pawns. Nowadays you see Jews acting white as if they're not Jewish at all. And then some Jews think they're helping their people by fighting for the Christian Conservatives right to control Israel, i.e. Paul Wolfowitz and Douglas Feith- important Jewish sell outs. Many Jews jumped at their chance to profit from this racist arrangement- suddenly becoming white- without concern that they were selling their soul and selling out their people. The reality is that the powerful white Christian man hates Jews, maybe more than he hates black people. Probably not. But it's a different kind of hatred.

White people might be mad at me now. "I'm poor. White power hasn't helped me." You're also a tool. Part of the ignorant masses, kept down by poverty, but too ignorant to realize it, so you blame people of color and Jews for your misfortune, instead of.... drum roll please.... the powerful white man, who makes your life suck and then tells you to blame these other groups. I agree with Dead Prez, "Know your enemy, know yourself. That's the politic. George Bush is way worse than bin Laden is." But many of you will never accept that and instead call me a terrorist. That's cool; the truth hurts.

The Neo-Nazi Threat

Friends and family members have asked me to stop my incessant badgering of neo-nazis. They want me to stop posting disparaging remarks towards them on my site and cease posting mocking messages on theirs. My friends and family are not sympathetic to the neo-nazi cause, they just fear for my safety. They say that somehow the neo-nazis can track me down.

Eh, I'm not scared.

I welcome the neo-nazis. I would love to talk to you and I've even taken classes on how to speak Ree-tard, your native language. I want to know why you hate. Is it the red necks? Sunscreen will take care of that. Maybe talking to a Jew will change your minds. Sometimes I can be a bit of a sarcastic schmuck, but for the most part I'm a pretty nice guy. I can make matzos ball soup and latkes. This time I ask that you ring the doorbell instead of spray-painting swastikas. Come at night, I'm cranky in the morning.

Evil Leaders League, Week 3

Results from Week 3 of the ELL:

Chavez vs Mugabe
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez keeps right on rolling. Chavez has something that the New York Times calls "Chavismo," which is better than Lou Gerhig's Disease, or so the article hints. Chavez has nationalized numerous industries and has declared rule by decree for the next 18 months. This is the stuff of Evil Leaders League legend. I can hear the debates already: Is Chavez a better evil leader than Peyton Manning is at quarterback?

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe hasn't been as lucky. His country's economy has experienced a steady slight decline for a while, but things have gotten drastically worse recently. Everyone in the medical profession is on strike and the lower-level police officers are contemplating rioting. Hyper-inflation has led to poverty for most of the country's residents and in a very short time. What is worse for Mugabe is that his party is blaming HIM! Many in his party are against his plan to extend his rule by 2 years. His party disagrees with him and is calling for elections soon; this is disastrous for an evil leader. Sounds like Zimbabwe may be on the road to... (gulp) DEMOCRACY?!
winner: Chavez

Kim vs al-Bashir
Kim Jong-Il of North Korea says that the three biggest fools of the 21st century are computer illiterates, smokers, and people who are tone-deaf. One of his sons is fat and lives in Macau. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan is trying to prevent United Nations peacekeepers from entering Darfur, the location of genocide. He will probably fail. Also, they gave the chair of the African Union to the leader of Ghana John Kufuor, instead of al-Bashir as he had hoped. Kim's benign (though insensitive) eccentricity leads him to victory in this one.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Castro
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't done too much lately, but conservatives in America are scared shitless at what he might do. They tremble at the very mention of his name. Or at least tremble at the very attempt to pronounce his name. And he has an upcoming announcement scheduled for February 11th. Castro still has an artificial anus. In other Fidel Castro news, Miami, Florida could erupt in celebration when he dies. Also, the anti-Castro televisions station TV Marti is beaming to Cuba. Not being in power, Castro suffers defeat here.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Lukashenko vs Hussein
The president of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, claims that his opposition makes money from Westerners by opposing him. Calling political opponents corrupt, good idea. But his country stands to take a $5 billion hit because Russia increased its oil prices to the eastern European country. Lukashenko is trying to balance his anger and the potential trouble this may cause with his need for Russia as an ally. But he wins easily because Saddam Hussein is still dead.
winner: Lukashenko

standings:
Chavez 3-0
Kim J-I 3-0
Lukash. 3-0
Ahmad. 2-1
al-Bash. 1-2
Mugabe 0-3
Castro 0-3
Hussein 0-3

Israel, Child Predators, and Astronauts' Diapers

Recently I talked with convicted child predator Rabbi David Kaye about the situation in Israel. This is that conversation:

Rabbi Kaye: Hey there sexy.
Me: Sorry Rabbi, I'm actually too old for you; I'm just short.
Rabbi Kaye: Oh ok. Got any younger brothers?
Me: Um, let's move on. Rabbi, I wanted to ask what do you think about Israel?
Rabbi Kaye: Israel exists to protect the Jewish people.
Me: Hmm, I see Israel protecting the Jewish people in the same way a child predator believes that he is protecting the child. In reality, the predator fucks the children and leaves them scarred. True protection would have benefited the child, but this actually had nothing to do with protection, it was about releasing aggression. The predator does not have the child's best interest at heart and neither does Israel with regards to the Jewish people. Rabbi?
Rabbi Kaye: Huh?
Me: RABBI, STOP CHECKING OUT THOSE KIDS ON THE PLAYGROUND AND PAY ATTENTION!


The astronaut- who drove from Texas to Florida, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop, to kill a potential rival for her lover- is a bad thing for women. It furthers the stereotype that women are irrational and emotional, just like Rabbi Kaye is bad for Jews, furthering the stereotype that Jews are blood-sucking devils.

But then I thought about it a little. If you don't want to stop on a journey, wearing a diaper makes perfect sense. It's totally rational. I mean, not wanting to stop because you're trying to kill someone is not so rational. So in the end, it's about 50-50.

2006-2007 NFL All H-duk Team

This is the eleventh annual NFL All-H-duk Team. The numbers beside the names indicates how many times that player has made the team. If there is no number, this is their first selection. A * indicates that the player was on my fantasy team.

Head Coach: NO- Sean Payton

Quarterbacks: Ind- Peyton Manning 6th; NO- Drew Brees; NE- Tom Brady 2nd.

Running Backs: SD- LaDanian Tomlinson; SF- Frank Gore; KC- Larry Johnson.

Fullback: SD- Lozenzo Neal.

Wide Receivers: Ind- Marvin Harrison 5th; Cin- Chad Johnson 3rd; Stl- Torry Holt 2nd; Car- Steve Smith* 2nd.

Tight Ends: SD- Antonio Gates 3rd; NO- Marques Colston; Bal- Todd Heap.

Offensive Line: Chi- Ruben Brown 3rd; Sea- Walter Jones 2nd; SD- Nick Hardwick; NO- Jammal Brown; NE- Matt Light.

Defensive Line: Jax- Marcus Stroud; SD- Jamal Williams; Car- Julius Peppers 3rd; Buf- Aaron Schobel.

Linebackers: Bal- Ray Lewis 7th; Chi- Brian Urlacher 5th; Dal- Demarcus Ware; Sea- Julian Peterson.

Secondary: Den- Champ Bailey 3rd; Bal- Chris McAllister; Phi- Brian Dawkins 3rd; Chi- Charles Tillman.

Kicker: Chi- Robbie Gould.

Punter: NO- Steve Weatherford.

Kick Returner: Buf- Terrence McGee 3rd.

Punt Returner: Chi- Devin Hester

Special Teams Cover Men: Bal- Trevor Pryce; SD- Kassim Osgood.

Super Bowl XLI Recap

Even though Kristen won't read this, I'll proceed anyway. Tony Dungy became the first black coach to win a Super Bowl. Lovie Smith became the first black coach to lose in a Super Bowl. Dungy was right when he said that wasn't the first with the ability. The NFL has always been plagued by racism and the fact that it took until 2007 for a black coach to make it to the Super Bowl speaks to the lack of opportunities for black people to be a head coach.

In the worst weather for a Super Bowl since Super Bowl IX, the Colts dominated the Bears beyond what final score represents. The Bears defense could not stop the Colts running attack. The Bears cornerbacks were forced to play conservative, allowing Peyton Manning to go underneath whenever he wanted.

It took Devin Hester 14 seconds to make an impact on this game and prove me wrong in the process. He ran back the opening kickoff for a touchdown for the first time in a Super Bowl. That began a wild first quarter that saw a total of 4 turnovers. The Colts were able to tie the score thanks to a long pass to Reggie Wayne, but failed on the extra point attempt. A long Thomas Jones run created a 14-6 Bears lead. Peyton Manning and his offensive line controlled the rest of the game.

The Colts kicking game left 4 points on the board, but Rex Grossman made sure those miscues didn't matter, thanks to mistakes of his own. He fumbled to key snaps and threw two interceptions in the forth quarter. One was to Kelvin Hayden who orchestrated a symphony to the end zone ultimately securing victory for the Colts, 29-17. I would have wanted to vote for Jeff Saturday for MVP, because the Colts running game was so strong, but Peyton Manning won. Manning was deserved of the award, though he didn't have the greatest game in history.

While Tony Dungy is usually classy, he credited his win to being a Christian coach. Somewhere Marv Levy shed a tear and so did I. My favorite commercial was Coke's twist of Grand Theft Auto. I'm a softy cornball at heart. The worst commercial was GM's firing the robot, who didn't have any other skills and committed suicide. Considering GM has a history of firing its hardworking employees (anybody see Roger & Me?), this was just a mean commercial that taunted the company's former employees.

Super Bowl XLI Preview

Indianapolis Colts vs Chicago Bears

On first glance, this is a matchup between a near-legendary offense and a great defense. But things are often not as they seem.

The Colts offense is great. Peyton Manning and his array of pass catchers will ensure that the Colts put points on the board. Rookie running back Joseph Addai has always come up with the necessary yardage when his team needed it the most.

Many people believe that the Bears defense will people to shut down Manning. But the Bears defense is a timely bunch, not a dominating one. The must create turnovers and they very well may, Manning has struggled this postseason, but it still may not be enough.

On the other side of the ball, the Bears have been able to run the ball. Rex Grossman is always good for a long pass when needed as well. I don't believe that he'll have one of his miserable games today. He is an adequate quarterback, who may have had 4 of the worst games in the history of the NFL. I expect a decent game from Grossman. He may make the crucial mistake, like Vince Ferragamu in Super Bowl XIV, but he won't complete more passes to the other team than his own.

The Colts defense couldn't stop the run during the regular season. Bob Sanders didn't play much of that time, but he's been back for the playoffs. In addition to being such a great player, Sanders allows the rest of the Colts defense to focus or their individual strengths. If Nick Harper can't go, that's a big loss for the Colts, but with Bob Sanders, the Colts should be fine.

Both teams have great special teams. Chicago kicker Robbie Gould has been big all year. Everyone knows of the heroic exploits of Adam Vinatieri on the Colts side. I don't believe that the Bears ace rookie returner Devin Hester will have much of an impact.

The Colts will win 31-21 with Peyton Manning winning the MVP award. He won't have one of the greatest games of all time, but it will be good enough. Between Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Dallas Clark, the receiver that will come up big depends on which one the Bears want to shut down. It's really a know win situation for them.

Wrapping things up, yes I hate the halftime show and all of the pomp that goes with the Super Bowl. I do like the commercials though. For some reason, I've been reading a lot that disparages announcer Phil Simms. I like him, I'm not sure what that's about. I even like Jim Nantz as an NFL announcer.

Donald, The Reluctant Neo-Nazi

A group of neo-nazis were hanging out, circle jerking it to Hitler on the History Channel. They finished up, cleaned up, and pulled their pants up.

Then the group of neo-nazis said, "Let's go kill some black people. Yeah, let's kill those ni..." That's when Donald chimed in, "Um, excuse me guys, hi, yeah, could you not say that word; it bothers me. It's offensive."

The neo-nazis' jaws dropped, "WHAT?"
"The n-word makes me uncomfortable guys. It's hurtful. I'm all for white supremacy, but not if it's going to offend people," Donald clarified.
"What the fuck?" The neo-nazis were stupefied. 'The audacity of this man,' they would have thought if they weren't so retarded. They didn't know what to do, so they decided to do what neo-nazis always do: they kicked the shit out of Donald and then each had sex with their own sister.

Donald went home disillusioned. That night he fell asleep yanking it to his tape recordings of Ronald Reagan. Ok, so maybe he wasn't that disillusioned.


I was also thinking about calling this "Donald, The Neo-Nazi Who Once Took an Ethnic Studies Class in College" but it's too long.

The Old Jewish Couple

Abraham and Ethel are in their mid 80s and have been married for nearly 60 years. We meet them as Abraham drives to the airport to pick up Ethel. They're both excited to see each other again.

Ethel just got back from a conference dealing with Jewish issues. She's an industrious octogenarian. Abraham gets to the airport, but he's not sure where to park. He parks near Terminal C, because it says Continental, forgetting that it's referring to the airline and not location. Luckily for Abraham, Ethel has no idea he parked in the wrong place or she'd let him have it.

Driving home, Abraham takes the wrong tunnel into the city, as usual. Ethel has no idea what's going on, but she yells at him anyway, figuring he must have done something wrong. Still driving through the city, Ethel screams "Citibank!" every time she spots her bank, as she's done for the past 60 years. Then she tells an old anecdote, "I know the owner of Citibank."
"No you don't. You MET him once and talked to him for twenty minutes," Abraham replies.
"That's not true! I KNOW him. And I talked to him twice. One was for an hour, the other time was for about twenty minutes."
Abraham smirks, "That means you met him. You don't know him."
"You're stupid," Ethel answers.
"Hahahaha, I love you too."

They've finally reached their apartment and Abraham is looking for a parking spot. His turn signal's been on for roughly 37 minutes and 12 trips around the block. Ethel keeps screaming and pointing, "Park there!" And Abraham continues to respond quietly, "That's a bus stop dear" or "I'm not allowed to park next to a fire hydrant."

After parking in a garage and muttering about the price, even though they know exactly how much it was going to cost, the couple decides to get something to eat. "I don't want anything fancy," Abraham grumbles. Ethel takes charge, "Let's go to Subway then." Abraham reluctantly agrees.

As they're eating Ethel gasps loudly, "Gaaawwwwd, hurry up and eat!"
"I'm trying."
"Stop praying over your food!"
"I'm eating, leave me alone."
"I don't want to sit in the place anymore. I'm sick of sitting here!" Ethel shouts within earshot of everyone who works in the establishment. Abraham ignores her and keeps eating at the same pace he has throughout his entire life. Fifteen minutes later, Ethel calmly asks, "Are you done?"
"Almost."
Ethel immediately spouts, "Hurry up."
Abraham stops eating and says, "I'm glad to be here with you now."
"Shut up and eat." Abraham puts his head down, but he's not upset. He knows what he's doing. Ethel shows the slightest bit of sympathy and quickly says, "I'm glad to be here with you too, happy now?"
"Hahahahaha, I love you too."

Abraham finally finishes. He gives Ethel an I-love-you smile. Ethel responds with an I-love-you-too eye roll.

The next day they are supposed to meet to go for a walk. Abraham is running late as usual. He tries to send Ethel a message to meet in a different location. But Abraham has never figured out these new technological devices. Ethel never gets his message. She waits for over an hour for Abraham in the freezing cold. Abraham goes home and waits for his wife outside of their apartment building in the freezing cold. He forgot his keys. As the minutes pass without any sign of the other, they both boil into a rage.

Finally Ethel comes home and sees Abraham sitting on the stoop, hunched in his winter jacket. She says, "Hi. What happened?" They both tell their sides of the story and no fight breaks out. Abraham hugs and kisses Ethel and she rolls her eyes.


The dialogue from this story is taken from conversations between me and my friend- I'm 25, she's almost 24. Evidently, we act like an old Jewish couple.

My 2nd Anniversary

Every once in a while there is a person who impacts the world above and beyond everyone else. It can come in the form of a man writing a blog. In this blog he can inspire through his words. Expose the ridiculousness of the world's most serious issues. Provide humor in the face of tragedy. Challenge his own people through tough love. Question the conventional perception and use of history. Force his readers to question their own fundamental assumptions and even their values. And spread knowledge like the flu. On the 2nd Anniversary of my blog, I am confident in claiming that this description in no way reflects me or my work. But I've had fun writing despite having absolutely no impact on anyone.