Many of my friends back home have been very nice in their concern for me and my mental health. They're worried about me dealing with the culture shock and help me to understand business practices here. But I've realized something, my happiness in this country is directly tied to the absense of General Dipshit in my life. He was gone for a few days and I loved being here. Everything about this place, the stares, the attention, everything. He came back today, I didn't even see him, and my mood went down the tubes.
I may have been late to class on Wednesday. Perhaps my watch is 4 hours and 21 minutes slow and not 4 hours and 15 minutes slow as I had thought. Sherkhan just found the watch for me on the floor, so whatever. The schedule that I have only has a bunch of random numbers that have meaning to maybe 4 people in the whole world. I would've liked a schedule that has the room number written in Chinese. That way I can show a student and they can direct me to the class that I'm supposed to be in. I showed a student my meaningless schedule. He took me to one office. Then I went to another office. Then another. So, instead of being maybe 1 minute late, I was 30 minutes late.
The rest of the day was cool though. I took a long nap and woke up in time to meet with an English teacher at the school. She is a middle aged woman who took Sherkhan and I out to dinner with her private English students. She is an awesome woman. She lived in Kuwait and Jordan for a few years. Since Chinese people couldn't travel freely at that time, she gave up her successful job as an English teacher to work as a house maid and at KFC because she could only travel through a work contract. So she is quite humble. She has been very generous to us.
Then she (Jane) told me to sit on the back of her bike and took me back to our apartment riding next to Sherkhan.
I woke up Thursday to Laverne's knocking. Then I rode on the back of her bike to school. I was actually offended that she took me to school. I'm a grown man, I can get there myself, I don't need anyone checking up on me. Plus, give me a fucking proper schedule and this shit wouldn't happen. But I wasn't mad at Laverne. She was just following orders.
Class was fun. I yelled some more and the students loved it. But I was a little aggravated in general. It's the first time it's rained since we've been here. The toilet doesn't work (excuse me, our shit hole won't drain), so I can't take a shower. You read that correctly!
I shat in a nasty ass grocery store bathroom. If you've never shat in a Third World bathroom, then you just wouldn't understand. Two guys saw my ass (all the girls are jealous), because there's no door. Then walking back to the apartment, groceries in hand, some guy said some shit to me. I have no idea if he was yelling at me or that Chinese word just has that intonation, but I just wasn't in the mood. Then a car nearly ran me over. I yelled, "I'm fuckin' walkin' here!" No one understood, but the sight of a foreigner yelling is enough to draw a lot of attention.
Then I took a nap.
I awoke to Sherkhan storming into the apartment, screaming "That's it. Let's go!" I responded in a half asleep haze, "What?" Sherkhan clarified, "I think I just quit, let's go." I answered, "Not right now, I'm tired."
Sherkhan and the General had a fight, which Sherkhan can describe much more accurately than I can. I only heard what happened from Sherkhan.
Then Sherkhan talked with Jane for awhile until he got me. The three of us ate, discussing the situation. She enlightened us to what really has been going on with G-G-G-G-Unit and the General. Then she offered us a flat that she owns (she owns several) for free. So as of then end of Thursday night, we had quit and were planning moving to another city.
We planned to visit Shanghai for a few days. We were going to leave after we taught our final class Friday afternoon. We discussed the prospects of the General following us to the bus. Also, we were going to leave our luggage with Jane, but she didn't want the General to know that. So she laid out a James Bond-like plan for us on Friday. Sherkhan would first leave for his class and take both his bags with him. Then I was to walk to the General and the stuttering fool's office and get one of them to come with me, where I'd give them back the key and they could watch me move out. Then I was to take a taxi to the school and teach the class. From there, depending on the situation, we would take our luggage on one bus. That bus would take us to another bigger bus, which was going to Shanghai. The little bus would take our luggage back to Jane's apartment.
Talk about a roller coaster!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
One of Dem Days
Unfortunately date rape is a far too common occurance in society. Last night I think I was actually rape dated though. I was chillin, watching some tv, when Sherkhan came into my room. He popoped in Bridgett Jones II or some shit, took his shirt off, and crawled into my bed. After 5 minutes of utter shock on my part, I mustered up enough to say, "What the fuck?" Then we watched the movie with this bum eating snacks in my bed shirtless. Somebody help me.
An NBA game was actually on tv today!!!!! And it was Game 7 on the Eastern Conference Finals no less!!!!! Of course, today was the day that we finally started teaching our classes on a consistant basis. Oh, and with my luck, of course our classes were right during the game. So I missed most of it.
Later that night I went to turn on the tv and of course, nothing. The shit didn't turn on. So I tried to fixed it the Jewish way. I threw the remote on the bed, smacked the tv, fiddled with the plug, and then spewed cuss words in Yiddish. Strangley, the tv still didn't work. In fact, the dvd player no longer worked either. So there went any hope of maybe catching a replay of the game.
When Sherkhan came back to the apartment, he was able to fix them both, thankfully.
It was also a day of more firsts. I rode on the back of Abbot's moped, scared out of my mind. When we requested helmets for our bikes, they laughed at us. There was no helmet for the moped either.
I also learned how to ride a bike. I think I learned pretty quickly. In 15 minutes I went from not being able to balance at all (just bailing from the bike as it crashed to the ground) to being able to ride around and perform circles. I had quite an audience watching me make an ass out of myself too. I didn't care for some reason. This place has stripped me of any potential feeling of self-consciousness. You can't feel self-conscious as a foreigner here, or you have no chance of being happy. Every move you make is watched and critiqued. Even my shoes. I've noticed that many young people check out my shoes as they pass me. They're in for quite a disappointment, because my shoes are about a year old and are quite worn out.
I saw another midget today. I liked him much better than the mean one.
One aspect of my Jewishness came out at dinner. I was comfy in my chair when the waiter asked to take the empty chair that we had. I went to lift it over me when he told me "no." He wanted my chair and asked me to move over. That chair was cold and uncomfortable. So I started hollering whenever he passed by. Of course, he had no idea that I was talking to him. He also rinsed out his rag in our trash can. Each table had their own trash can. I yelled at him in my sarcastic bitter way over that too.
Classes were cool. I really enjoy teaching the kids English. They range from 17 years old to 19, I think. Of course, I'm 24 in China, so who the hell knows what that means. I run around the classroom like a kook trying to peak their interest somehow. We talk about basketball, school, anything that they can talk about. It occured to me during class, "am I really the teacher talking in front of 60 kids who are not much younger than myself?" "Yep, it's me," I told myself.
My shyness is gone when I'm prancing around in class. Or out of class for that matter. You can't afford to be shy here either. Many people scream "hello" at us as we walk down the street. This may be their only interaction with foreigners, maybe ever, so we have to be polite and answer back.
Well I have class at 8 am tomorrow. 8pm back home. If anyone's gonna be in the Liangyungong area tomorrow around 7am, please stop by and wake me up for class. Thanks.
An NBA game was actually on tv today!!!!! And it was Game 7 on the Eastern Conference Finals no less!!!!! Of course, today was the day that we finally started teaching our classes on a consistant basis. Oh, and with my luck, of course our classes were right during the game. So I missed most of it.
Later that night I went to turn on the tv and of course, nothing. The shit didn't turn on. So I tried to fixed it the Jewish way. I threw the remote on the bed, smacked the tv, fiddled with the plug, and then spewed cuss words in Yiddish. Strangley, the tv still didn't work. In fact, the dvd player no longer worked either. So there went any hope of maybe catching a replay of the game.
When Sherkhan came back to the apartment, he was able to fix them both, thankfully.
It was also a day of more firsts. I rode on the back of Abbot's moped, scared out of my mind. When we requested helmets for our bikes, they laughed at us. There was no helmet for the moped either.
I also learned how to ride a bike. I think I learned pretty quickly. In 15 minutes I went from not being able to balance at all (just bailing from the bike as it crashed to the ground) to being able to ride around and perform circles. I had quite an audience watching me make an ass out of myself too. I didn't care for some reason. This place has stripped me of any potential feeling of self-consciousness. You can't feel self-conscious as a foreigner here, or you have no chance of being happy. Every move you make is watched and critiqued. Even my shoes. I've noticed that many young people check out my shoes as they pass me. They're in for quite a disappointment, because my shoes are about a year old and are quite worn out.
I saw another midget today. I liked him much better than the mean one.
One aspect of my Jewishness came out at dinner. I was comfy in my chair when the waiter asked to take the empty chair that we had. I went to lift it over me when he told me "no." He wanted my chair and asked me to move over. That chair was cold and uncomfortable. So I started hollering whenever he passed by. Of course, he had no idea that I was talking to him. He also rinsed out his rag in our trash can. Each table had their own trash can. I yelled at him in my sarcastic bitter way over that too.
Classes were cool. I really enjoy teaching the kids English. They range from 17 years old to 19, I think. Of course, I'm 24 in China, so who the hell knows what that means. I run around the classroom like a kook trying to peak their interest somehow. We talk about basketball, school, anything that they can talk about. It occured to me during class, "am I really the teacher talking in front of 60 kids who are not much younger than myself?" "Yep, it's me," I told myself.
My shyness is gone when I'm prancing around in class. Or out of class for that matter. You can't afford to be shy here either. Many people scream "hello" at us as we walk down the street. This may be their only interaction with foreigners, maybe ever, so we have to be polite and answer back.
Well I have class at 8 am tomorrow. 8pm back home. If anyone's gonna be in the Liangyungong area tomorrow around 7am, please stop by and wake me up for class. Thanks.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Signs of Communism?
During this trip to China, I have learned less about what communism is in practice, and more about foreigners' perception of what constitutes communism.
China is supposed to be a communist country. But capitalism thrives here. There are markets on every other street in every city that I've been to. Designer stores and designer knock-offs are plentiful. There is Quordan 23, with the basketball outside of his left hip, instead of Jordan brand products. But there have been no communals. As one foreigner said, there is often not even a sense of community. I would agree, outside of the nightly dances and festivals where a park may be filled with dancing and singing residents. Basically, there are simply a lot of kind individuals, but no real sense of community.
If communism requires some sense of community, then paradoxically, communism is most prevalent in the countryside. From Xuzhou to Liangyungong, we took an extremely slow-moving commuter train, filled with peasants dressed in their weekend best. They all had their goods ready to be sold in one city or another. It was only on this train that I felt any sense of community. You could allow your two year old child to be picked up and fed by a stranger, or even more bizarre, play with a foreigner.
If communism is industry over agriculture, I have not seen a communist country. Any train ride shows a plethora of agriculture. Factories are present, but out of view. In fact, China has followed other countries, with an increasing number of jobs in the service sector.
Capitalism is everywhere. Venders sell there goods on every street corner. Most of the time, they are selling little knick-knacks, not anything particularly useful. This is the black market of capitalism. It is in plain view of everyone. The police ride by without a second thought. This is life.
If communism equals inefficiency, then I have seen mixed results. Private companies may be required to hire a certain amount of officials in order to eradicate unemployment. This creates a scene where you have a worker for each aisle at the grocery store or five employees crowded around each other over one small section of a department store, gapping away without concern of interuption by customers. However, the trains are extremely efficent. The leave right on time and even arrive at your destination exactly on the dot.
The bottom line is just that. Most people are here to sell their goods and make a profit. The numerous taxi drivers that honk incessantly and drive like madpeople just for your business are doing so for your yuan, not to provide a necessary service to society. So, is China just nominally a communist country or is it so in practice? It depends on your definition of communism. But the legacy of Deng Xaioping's reforms is easier to find than that of Mao's.
China is supposed to be a communist country. But capitalism thrives here. There are markets on every other street in every city that I've been to. Designer stores and designer knock-offs are plentiful. There is Quordan 23, with the basketball outside of his left hip, instead of Jordan brand products. But there have been no communals. As one foreigner said, there is often not even a sense of community. I would agree, outside of the nightly dances and festivals where a park may be filled with dancing and singing residents. Basically, there are simply a lot of kind individuals, but no real sense of community.
If communism requires some sense of community, then paradoxically, communism is most prevalent in the countryside. From Xuzhou to Liangyungong, we took an extremely slow-moving commuter train, filled with peasants dressed in their weekend best. They all had their goods ready to be sold in one city or another. It was only on this train that I felt any sense of community. You could allow your two year old child to be picked up and fed by a stranger, or even more bizarre, play with a foreigner.
If communism is industry over agriculture, I have not seen a communist country. Any train ride shows a plethora of agriculture. Factories are present, but out of view. In fact, China has followed other countries, with an increasing number of jobs in the service sector.
Capitalism is everywhere. Venders sell there goods on every street corner. Most of the time, they are selling little knick-knacks, not anything particularly useful. This is the black market of capitalism. It is in plain view of everyone. The police ride by without a second thought. This is life.
If communism equals inefficiency, then I have seen mixed results. Private companies may be required to hire a certain amount of officials in order to eradicate unemployment. This creates a scene where you have a worker for each aisle at the grocery store or five employees crowded around each other over one small section of a department store, gapping away without concern of interuption by customers. However, the trains are extremely efficent. The leave right on time and even arrive at your destination exactly on the dot.
The bottom line is just that. Most people are here to sell their goods and make a profit. The numerous taxi drivers that honk incessantly and drive like madpeople just for your business are doing so for your yuan, not to provide a necessary service to society. So, is China just nominally a communist country or is it so in practice? It depends on your definition of communism. But the legacy of Deng Xaioping's reforms is easier to find than that of Mao's.
Not Thinking Straight
I'm not sure if today's post will be coherant or not because I'm surrounded by screaming teenagers. I'm in between two huys playing the same computer gaem together yelling aty each other through their headphones. Shut the fuck up, da both of youse!
We left the apartment today to go meet some parents from our school and hand out some flyers. The one guy (I call him Abbott to the principal's Costello), he might have been the vice pricipal or something (nobody speaks enough English in order to tell me exactly what the hell he'd doing there), wanted us to work about 5 or 6 hours today, instead of having a day off, like we were supposed to.
So we told him that we'd do as much as we felt like. We didn't get very far from the apartment when we met Laverne (Shirley wasn't there this time) and Abbott. Abbott told us that we would not be meeting parents and in fact had no idea that he had ever told us to do that. Instead we were going to teach a class because some teacher was "sick." When was this class? Right then!
I told him that we were not scheduled to teach on Mondays so that we didn't have to. That's the way they do business here. If you don't say "no" they exploit you as far as they possibly can. After I told him that we weren't scheduled to, he said, "No not you. Only him go," pointing at Sherkhan.
I've been much more forceful in my demands than Sherkhan. He is staying much longer and wants to maintain good working relations with these bums. I don't care so much. My attitude is fuck 'em. They've lied so much to us that I don't care about them at all anymore. But I'm glad that they now know that I don't fuck around. Whenver I speak up against some injustice that they're trying to pull, they always say, "no, not you, him go." Clowns.
I saw the elderly lady who gave me back my shirt. I said "ni hao" and then she explained something to me in Chinese. I didn't get it. Moments later there was a knocking at the door. It was her. I can understand a little bit of Chinese. She was searching for the "drip drip drip" that she kept hearing. She went into the kitchen and said, "hmm, meo (nothing)." Then explained to me that it was the air conditioner. I understood a little bit of what she was saying. But now she's creeping me out a bit.
As far as anything Jewish, I'm pretty much it. Back in Shijiahuan I saw a Hassidic Jew walking the other way at the train station. He didn't see us and we were in a hurry or I would've said something. I have little doubt that we were the only 2 Jews in the city at that point.
We left the apartment today to go meet some parents from our school and hand out some flyers. The one guy (I call him Abbott to the principal's Costello), he might have been the vice pricipal or something (nobody speaks enough English in order to tell me exactly what the hell he'd doing there), wanted us to work about 5 or 6 hours today, instead of having a day off, like we were supposed to.
So we told him that we'd do as much as we felt like. We didn't get very far from the apartment when we met Laverne (Shirley wasn't there this time) and Abbott. Abbott told us that we would not be meeting parents and in fact had no idea that he had ever told us to do that. Instead we were going to teach a class because some teacher was "sick." When was this class? Right then!
I told him that we were not scheduled to teach on Mondays so that we didn't have to. That's the way they do business here. If you don't say "no" they exploit you as far as they possibly can. After I told him that we weren't scheduled to, he said, "No not you. Only him go," pointing at Sherkhan.
I've been much more forceful in my demands than Sherkhan. He is staying much longer and wants to maintain good working relations with these bums. I don't care so much. My attitude is fuck 'em. They've lied so much to us that I don't care about them at all anymore. But I'm glad that they now know that I don't fuck around. Whenver I speak up against some injustice that they're trying to pull, they always say, "no, not you, him go." Clowns.
I saw the elderly lady who gave me back my shirt. I said "ni hao" and then she explained something to me in Chinese. I didn't get it. Moments later there was a knocking at the door. It was her. I can understand a little bit of Chinese. She was searching for the "drip drip drip" that she kept hearing. She went into the kitchen and said, "hmm, meo (nothing)." Then explained to me that it was the air conditioner. I understood a little bit of what she was saying. But now she's creeping me out a bit.
As far as anything Jewish, I'm pretty much it. Back in Shijiahuan I saw a Hassidic Jew walking the other way at the train station. He didn't see us and we were in a hurry or I would've said something. I have little doubt that we were the only 2 Jews in the city at that point.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The People are Nice
I must say that we have met many kind-hearted people here. Most people are willing and happy to help the retarded foreigners. The staff at the McDonald's are very nice and patient. We point to what we want on a menu. It becomes more challenging when we want to make a special order, like Sprite, no ice. I might get no ice, but a Coke instead. Or I might get a Sprite with ice. On rare occasions I get a dead hooker instead. That's not even close to Sprite, no ice!
Today Sherkhan did laundry. We don't have machines though, so he washed his clothes and then hung them on hangers in our indoor patio/kitchen. He hung a couple of shirts on the outdoor clothes line as well. I hung the shirt that I use as a towel out there too. When we looked out there again, my shirt had fallen down one level and Sherkhan's was nowhere to be found. He started conversing with an elderly lady about the subject. Of course she spoke absolutely no English and we very little Chinese. She understood what he was saying though and the next sound we heard were her heavy feet pounding up the four flights of stairs.
She came into our apartment with a long stick with a metal hook on the end. She tried to grab my shirt, but it was just out of her reach. It was funny because the whole time she's constantly talking to us in Chinese and we're responding in English, nodding like we know what the fuck she's saying. She's reponding like she knows exactly what we're talking about. Meanwhile none of us have a fucking clue. Then we asked her to talk to the people down one flight, but they weren't home. So we asked the people one floor below. The guy takes the stick and next thing I know I got my shirt/towel back!
Then she invited us to her place on the ground floor. We looked in the backyard for Sherkhan's shirt to no avail. The whole time talking to each other in the two different languages.
Next I performed the duties of a wingman. The double date went well, but of course mine didn't speak English too well, but whatever. Whenever we had a chance, Sherkhan would whisper to me some cockeyed plan about saying goodbye to the young women. He wanted to give them both hugs. He asked me to initiate it. But when it came time to say goodbye, Sherkhan lept into action too early. My date went to retrieve her bike, when Sherkhan tried to hug his date. It ended up turning into a thug-like hug. A handshake with one hand and the other arm over the shoulder. Then he went to give the other woman a hung, but she accidently rammed her bike into his crotch. Of course, considering that I'm a normal person, I hugged them both normally.
One last thing. Sherkhan has stolen some phrases from me and not given me credit. The line "it's like we're celebrities without the positive connotation," I said that. That's what that star by that phrase on Mr. Khan's blog (beijingbetty.blogspot.com) means. Another that he thought of using was "Phlem Fatale" to explain the constant spitting that ranks behind basketball and ping-pong and in front of drinking straight vodka as Chinese pastimes. The phrase "shit like money" originated when Sherkhan misunderstood something I said. It should be used yo refer to someone who is arrogant.
The way a Chinese supermarket closes:
The workers run around like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming at people to leave. One yelled "go home! Go home!" at me. Do I really have to go home? Can't I simply leave the grocery store and go somewhere else? It was bizarre.
Today Sherkhan did laundry. We don't have machines though, so he washed his clothes and then hung them on hangers in our indoor patio/kitchen. He hung a couple of shirts on the outdoor clothes line as well. I hung the shirt that I use as a towel out there too. When we looked out there again, my shirt had fallen down one level and Sherkhan's was nowhere to be found. He started conversing with an elderly lady about the subject. Of course she spoke absolutely no English and we very little Chinese. She understood what he was saying though and the next sound we heard were her heavy feet pounding up the four flights of stairs.
She came into our apartment with a long stick with a metal hook on the end. She tried to grab my shirt, but it was just out of her reach. It was funny because the whole time she's constantly talking to us in Chinese and we're responding in English, nodding like we know what the fuck she's saying. She's reponding like she knows exactly what we're talking about. Meanwhile none of us have a fucking clue. Then we asked her to talk to the people down one flight, but they weren't home. So we asked the people one floor below. The guy takes the stick and next thing I know I got my shirt/towel back!
Then she invited us to her place on the ground floor. We looked in the backyard for Sherkhan's shirt to no avail. The whole time talking to each other in the two different languages.
Next I performed the duties of a wingman. The double date went well, but of course mine didn't speak English too well, but whatever. Whenever we had a chance, Sherkhan would whisper to me some cockeyed plan about saying goodbye to the young women. He wanted to give them both hugs. He asked me to initiate it. But when it came time to say goodbye, Sherkhan lept into action too early. My date went to retrieve her bike, when Sherkhan tried to hug his date. It ended up turning into a thug-like hug. A handshake with one hand and the other arm over the shoulder. Then he went to give the other woman a hung, but she accidently rammed her bike into his crotch. Of course, considering that I'm a normal person, I hugged them both normally.
One last thing. Sherkhan has stolen some phrases from me and not given me credit. The line "it's like we're celebrities without the positive connotation," I said that. That's what that star by that phrase on Mr. Khan's blog (beijingbetty.blogspot.com) means. Another that he thought of using was "Phlem Fatale" to explain the constant spitting that ranks behind basketball and ping-pong and in front of drinking straight vodka as Chinese pastimes. The phrase "shit like money" originated when Sherkhan misunderstood something I said. It should be used yo refer to someone who is arrogant.
The way a Chinese supermarket closes:
The workers run around like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming at people to leave. One yelled "go home! Go home!" at me. Do I really have to go home? Can't I simply leave the grocery store and go somewhere else? It was bizarre.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Answers I Wanted to Give
During my two days as a celebrity in the back woods (the cities only have a couple of million people in them) of China, I answered many questions from Chinese students and teachers. These are the answers that I gave and those that I wanted to give.
Do you like Chinese culture?
A: (Actual) Yes, I like the food and the people although some things have been hard to adjust to.
W: (Wished I had answered) Maybe if you all stopped hocking and spitting, if their wasn't garbage everywere, if you wiped your asses, and if you stopped eating chicken face, I wouldn't be too grossed out to think. Then maybe I could appreciate its beauty.
What are your hobbies?
A: Basketball, running, and watching tv.
W: Wiping my ass. You should try it.
Do you like American Country Music?
A: No. I like Hip Hop.
W: Fuck no.
Do you have a girlfriend?
A: No (blush).
W: Take off your shirt.
Do you like Chinese food?
A: Yes.
W: Eh.
Sing us an English song.
A: No, no, no. I am a bad singer. You don't want that.
W: Take off your shirt.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Beijing, Shijahuan, Xuzhou, Liangyungong, Xuyou.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Holy fuck you stupid dumbass! I just fucking answered that question! What the fuck is wrong with you retard! (Then I walk over to the little girl and punch her right in her fucking face, hock and spit)!
Do you know Chairman Mao? Tell us something about him.
A: Yes. Blah, blah blah, Long March... great general... blah bla blah.
W: 30 million people starved to death in like 2 years under his watch. Stop worshipping him you mindless boobs!
Taiwan?
A: Next question.
W: Taiwan should be independent.
You are lovely and handsome.
A: Thank you.
W: Meet me after class (wink, wink).
Do you know Yao Ming?
A: Yes, he is very tall.
W1: Of course I know of Yao Ming, what have I been in a cave for the last three years?
W2: Yes, all Americans are close personal friends with Yao Ming, jerkoff.
You are very humorous.
A: Thank you.
W: You talk like you're from the 1920s. Nobody talks like that numbnuts.
I'm glad to get that off my chest. I taught one lesson on a "great man and woman" in American history. I chose Martin Luther King and Harriet Tubman.
I was asked who my favorite actor was. They had never heard of Denzel Washington.
They've all heard of the NBA, but not too many know of the New York Knicks. I've been promoting them heavily. Pay me.
In one class, I was asked which school I went to for college and which I go to for grad school. I wrote Goucher College and George Mason University on the black board. Pay me or at least do something for me. After all, I shit like money.
The last thing. The Chinese school official that talks like James Earl Jones was talking to Sherkhan about the fact that their skin color is similar. James Earl Jones told Sherkhan that he should travel to Africa. Sherkhan asked why. James (ironically) said that it was because Sherkhan could then be proud that his skin was lighter than the Africans. It took me a second to understand what he was saying. I whispered to Sherkhan, "did he just say..." Sherkhan answered that he had said what I though I heard, but told me not to argue, because he wouldn't understand. Sherkhan should go to Africa because his skin would be lighter than the Africans. What the fuck?
Sherkhan also told me that one student told him "I thought that Americans were tall, white, and handsome." He wasn't so offended, except for the handsome part. He complained to me, "What, I'm not handsome?"
You are Sherkhan, you are.
Do you like Chinese culture?
A: (Actual) Yes, I like the food and the people although some things have been hard to adjust to.
W: (Wished I had answered) Maybe if you all stopped hocking and spitting, if their wasn't garbage everywere, if you wiped your asses, and if you stopped eating chicken face, I wouldn't be too grossed out to think. Then maybe I could appreciate its beauty.
What are your hobbies?
A: Basketball, running, and watching tv.
W: Wiping my ass. You should try it.
Do you like American Country Music?
A: No. I like Hip Hop.
W: Fuck no.
Do you have a girlfriend?
A: No (blush).
W: Take off your shirt.
Do you like Chinese food?
A: Yes.
W: Eh.
Sing us an English song.
A: No, no, no. I am a bad singer. You don't want that.
W: Take off your shirt.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Beijing, Shijahuan, Xuzhou, Liangyungong, Xuyou.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Holy fuck you stupid dumbass! I just fucking answered that question! What the fuck is wrong with you retard! (Then I walk over to the little girl and punch her right in her fucking face, hock and spit)!
Do you know Chairman Mao? Tell us something about him.
A: Yes. Blah, blah blah, Long March... great general... blah bla blah.
W: 30 million people starved to death in like 2 years under his watch. Stop worshipping him you mindless boobs!
Taiwan?
A: Next question.
W: Taiwan should be independent.
You are lovely and handsome.
A: Thank you.
W: Meet me after class (wink, wink).
Do you know Yao Ming?
A: Yes, he is very tall.
W1: Of course I know of Yao Ming, what have I been in a cave for the last three years?
W2: Yes, all Americans are close personal friends with Yao Ming, jerkoff.
You are very humorous.
A: Thank you.
W: You talk like you're from the 1920s. Nobody talks like that numbnuts.
I'm glad to get that off my chest. I taught one lesson on a "great man and woman" in American history. I chose Martin Luther King and Harriet Tubman.
I was asked who my favorite actor was. They had never heard of Denzel Washington.
They've all heard of the NBA, but not too many know of the New York Knicks. I've been promoting them heavily. Pay me.
In one class, I was asked which school I went to for college and which I go to for grad school. I wrote Goucher College and George Mason University on the black board. Pay me or at least do something for me. After all, I shit like money.
The last thing. The Chinese school official that talks like James Earl Jones was talking to Sherkhan about the fact that their skin color is similar. James Earl Jones told Sherkhan that he should travel to Africa. Sherkhan asked why. James (ironically) said that it was because Sherkhan could then be proud that his skin was lighter than the Africans. It took me a second to understand what he was saying. I whispered to Sherkhan, "did he just say..." Sherkhan answered that he had said what I though I heard, but told me not to argue, because he wouldn't understand. Sherkhan should go to Africa because his skin would be lighter than the Africans. What the fuck?
Sherkhan also told me that one student told him "I thought that Americans were tall, white, and handsome." He wasn't so offended, except for the handsome part. He complained to me, "What, I'm not handsome?"
You are Sherkhan, you are.
Celebrities For A Day Or Two
We woke up Saturday morning to General Dipshit's orders. Then we had a fansy Chinese breakfast (see a pattern?). We pulled up to this school and we saw a banner, professioally made that read "Welcome to Our School Mr. David and Mr. Sherkhan." I was like holy shit!
There was another tv camera, only one though. They told us that we'd be on the local news because of our visit to the last school yesterday. In fact, the interpreter said that our visit "put his school on the map." So one camera is no big deal for us (ha!). We were greeted by two students who gave us flowers. The flowers would become a burden.
Next, we were separated again. I was taken to a meeting room where I answered questions about the differences between Chinese and American students. Even the teachers doubled up on some questions. I was asked what students do during their free time maybe 8 or 9 times.
From there we went down to the school's little park to "have a rest." It started out innocent enough. Some students asked me some questions after taking some photos. They were very curious as I am the first foreigner that they've ever met. I answered their questions, many were repeated, in good spirits. Then it happened.
One kid asked me to sign my name on his paper. So I wrote out "David" just as I had on Friday. Then another kid asked. Then another. By this time, there was a steady stream of autograph seekers handing me their notebook, a scrap of paper, their arm, or their shirts. At this point I was still able to answer the steady fire of simple questions spouted my direction.
Then more and more paper was flung at me. It got to the point where I couldn't even finish writing my name on any single piece of paper. I was getting pushed, shoved, and smacked in the head with notebooks from desparate autograph seekers. Did I mention that I live with my mom and sleep with my "Mommy Pillow" that I've had since I was 2, like Linus has his blanket, ladies?
I couldn't even look up or write anymore because of the density of the papers in front of my face. By now, my flowers had been trampled on. I would not see them again. I decided to get up and move away from the mob of admirers. What a great day in Jewish history, a day when a short, nothing Jewish man must flee from an adoring mob of Chinese teenagers! During my bolt toward freedom I was grabbed by several students who jumped on me. I dragged them a bit until I ran into a one-tile-tall fence that circled off a dirt patch that will later house flowers or something. My foot got caught and I fell to the ground on the dirt patch. A school official grabbed me and escorted me through the mob. I signed autographs along the way.
Then I sat in the gazebo and signed some more until I was mobbed again. The school offical then took my pen. I answered questions for some more time.
Next, I did another run around several classes answering questions. One class didn't believe that I could hoop, because I'm short, so I challenged them. They gave me a ball and I shot some of the most nerve-wracking shots of my life in front of hundreds of students. Luckily, I made a good number of them to roaring applause. Then they got a fat kid to challenge me and I mopped the floor with him. But I was a little tired, and when an awkward athletic dude stepped up to challenge me, I knew I was done. He salvaged some of the fat kids' failure.
That was pretty much the end of our two days of celebrity. We really felt like we shit like money. On the ride back, I was able to fall asleep for a bit. I was awoken by Sherkhan, who was leaning over me, reapeating "Oh my God!" Drousy, I peaked outside the window of the "Magoo-mobile." There was an old dude who had fallen off of his moped. There was blood spewing from his head. He had died.
Later, we walked around until we found a McDonald's. Outside of the McDonald's we ran into another crowd surrounding the 2 foot tall guy. We gave him 2 yuan for a picture with him, but he got upset. Apparently he wanted more. When he saw the camera, he tried to turn away, but Sherkhan took the picture in time. Then I found myself arguing with a this Chinese midget and the crowd around him. Of course I was speaking in English and they were speaking in Chinese. Of the entire two days, I think the argument with the Chinese midget over what amounts to $1 was the most bizarre.
Thankfully, General Dipshit will be away for 5 days.
There was another tv camera, only one though. They told us that we'd be on the local news because of our visit to the last school yesterday. In fact, the interpreter said that our visit "put his school on the map." So one camera is no big deal for us (ha!). We were greeted by two students who gave us flowers. The flowers would become a burden.
Next, we were separated again. I was taken to a meeting room where I answered questions about the differences between Chinese and American students. Even the teachers doubled up on some questions. I was asked what students do during their free time maybe 8 or 9 times.
From there we went down to the school's little park to "have a rest." It started out innocent enough. Some students asked me some questions after taking some photos. They were very curious as I am the first foreigner that they've ever met. I answered their questions, many were repeated, in good spirits. Then it happened.
One kid asked me to sign my name on his paper. So I wrote out "David" just as I had on Friday. Then another kid asked. Then another. By this time, there was a steady stream of autograph seekers handing me their notebook, a scrap of paper, their arm, or their shirts. At this point I was still able to answer the steady fire of simple questions spouted my direction.
Then more and more paper was flung at me. It got to the point where I couldn't even finish writing my name on any single piece of paper. I was getting pushed, shoved, and smacked in the head with notebooks from desparate autograph seekers. Did I mention that I live with my mom and sleep with my "Mommy Pillow" that I've had since I was 2, like Linus has his blanket, ladies?
I couldn't even look up or write anymore because of the density of the papers in front of my face. By now, my flowers had been trampled on. I would not see them again. I decided to get up and move away from the mob of admirers. What a great day in Jewish history, a day when a short, nothing Jewish man must flee from an adoring mob of Chinese teenagers! During my bolt toward freedom I was grabbed by several students who jumped on me. I dragged them a bit until I ran into a one-tile-tall fence that circled off a dirt patch that will later house flowers or something. My foot got caught and I fell to the ground on the dirt patch. A school official grabbed me and escorted me through the mob. I signed autographs along the way.
Then I sat in the gazebo and signed some more until I was mobbed again. The school offical then took my pen. I answered questions for some more time.
Next, I did another run around several classes answering questions. One class didn't believe that I could hoop, because I'm short, so I challenged them. They gave me a ball and I shot some of the most nerve-wracking shots of my life in front of hundreds of students. Luckily, I made a good number of them to roaring applause. Then they got a fat kid to challenge me and I mopped the floor with him. But I was a little tired, and when an awkward athletic dude stepped up to challenge me, I knew I was done. He salvaged some of the fat kids' failure.
That was pretty much the end of our two days of celebrity. We really felt like we shit like money. On the ride back, I was able to fall asleep for a bit. I was awoken by Sherkhan, who was leaning over me, reapeating "Oh my God!" Drousy, I peaked outside the window of the "Magoo-mobile." There was an old dude who had fallen off of his moped. There was blood spewing from his head. He had died.
Later, we walked around until we found a McDonald's. Outside of the McDonald's we ran into another crowd surrounding the 2 foot tall guy. We gave him 2 yuan for a picture with him, but he got upset. Apparently he wanted more. When he saw the camera, he tried to turn away, but Sherkhan took the picture in time. Then I found myself arguing with a this Chinese midget and the crowd around him. Of course I was speaking in English and they were speaking in Chinese. Of the entire two days, I think the argument with the Chinese midget over what amounts to $1 was the most bizarre.
Thankfully, General Dipshit will be away for 5 days.
Surreality
We moved into our shithole of an apartment Friday morning. A professor of mine once said that he distiguishes between the so-called "First World" and the so-called "Third World" based on if a flush toilet is present. In our apartment, after you shit, you must pour water down the drain because there is no flusher, its literally a shithole. After we left our things in the apartment we traveled to a school to teach a class, no big deal.
Or so I thought.
I staggered out of the van, unkempt simply to spite the General for dragging me on this trip, I was sick, and still wearing the shirt that I sleep in, a hat over my eyes when I raised my head.
Two rows of students, hundreds long, television cameras, and every school official greeted Sherkhan and I. We walked by the welcoming students with our mouths hanging open. All this was for us? Then we entered a small room packed with students. We sat at a round-table as two students MCed. The welcomed us with the cameras rolling. Two more students sang for us. Then we were asked to speak. We did, and answered many questions. When we sat back down, the school officials asked us some more questions. I was asked whether Bush's "No Child Left Behind" was simply political propaganda, and I said that I felt it was. After that, we took tons of photos. Pretty girls grabbed me to have their picture taken with me. Guys grabbed my ass for some reason. We thought we shit like money.
Next we had a fansy Chinese lunch. After lunch we were checked into a hotel for 30 minutes. That's classy! You know you've hit the big time when that happens! They actually wanted us to "have a wash" (take a bath in a bath house) and made constant remarks about prostitutes and the beauty of Chinese girls. Walking up to the hotel room, we were quite nervous that there be hookers awaiting our arrival. We shitted-showered-and-rested.
Our visits to each and every class was another ego-booster. They whisped Sherkhan from my side and I would not see him for several hours. I visited each class, amounting to about half the school, for ten minutes each, giving the same introduction and answering the same questions again and again. Each person in each class wanted to get a picture taken with me. By the end I had a headache from all of the flashes. One photographer with a digital camera needed to change the batteries twice.
Then we were taken to another city and had a fansy Chinese dinner. After dinner, the General offered to take us to "get our feet washed, heh heh heh." General Dipshit is very creepy. Then a school official who talks like he's James Earl Jones (the black actor, not the guy who shot Dr. Martin Luther King), talked about how beautiful Chinese girls are, with a smirk on his face. Great, another possible hooker situation! Luckily, they simply washed our feet and massaged our feet and legs.
The first school only has 2,000 students, the second school has 13,000 students. Sherkhan thought that we'd be celebrities again on Saturday. I figured our day in the sun was over.
Or so I thought.
I staggered out of the van, unkempt simply to spite the General for dragging me on this trip, I was sick, and still wearing the shirt that I sleep in, a hat over my eyes when I raised my head.
Two rows of students, hundreds long, television cameras, and every school official greeted Sherkhan and I. We walked by the welcoming students with our mouths hanging open. All this was for us? Then we entered a small room packed with students. We sat at a round-table as two students MCed. The welcomed us with the cameras rolling. Two more students sang for us. Then we were asked to speak. We did, and answered many questions. When we sat back down, the school officials asked us some more questions. I was asked whether Bush's "No Child Left Behind" was simply political propaganda, and I said that I felt it was. After that, we took tons of photos. Pretty girls grabbed me to have their picture taken with me. Guys grabbed my ass for some reason. We thought we shit like money.
Next we had a fansy Chinese lunch. After lunch we were checked into a hotel for 30 minutes. That's classy! You know you've hit the big time when that happens! They actually wanted us to "have a wash" (take a bath in a bath house) and made constant remarks about prostitutes and the beauty of Chinese girls. Walking up to the hotel room, we were quite nervous that there be hookers awaiting our arrival. We shitted-showered-and-rested.
Our visits to each and every class was another ego-booster. They whisped Sherkhan from my side and I would not see him for several hours. I visited each class, amounting to about half the school, for ten minutes each, giving the same introduction and answering the same questions again and again. Each person in each class wanted to get a picture taken with me. By the end I had a headache from all of the flashes. One photographer with a digital camera needed to change the batteries twice.
Then we were taken to another city and had a fansy Chinese dinner. After dinner, the General offered to take us to "get our feet washed, heh heh heh." General Dipshit is very creepy. Then a school official who talks like he's James Earl Jones (the black actor, not the guy who shot Dr. Martin Luther King), talked about how beautiful Chinese girls are, with a smirk on his face. Great, another possible hooker situation! Luckily, they simply washed our feet and massaged our feet and legs.
The first school only has 2,000 students, the second school has 13,000 students. Sherkhan thought that we'd be celebrities again on Saturday. I figured our day in the sun was over.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Chinese Lessons
Lesson 1: Ni hao means hello. Use this term only on rare occasions because after you say "Ni hao," to a Chinese person, they start talking to you all crazy-like in Chinese. Remember, this is only the first lesson, you don't want that!
Lesson 2: Shi shi (xi xi) means thank you. Use this a lot, because you can say it when you're leaving. That way you don't have to deal with people speaking Chinese to you. Be prepared for people to laugh at you, presumably because they are shocked that you can speak Chinese at all.
Lesson 3: I know some random numbers. EE = 1, Arrr= 2, san= 3, tz or somethung is 4 maybe, ohoohoho or some crap is 5, leo =6, tzi might be 7, ba = 8, i never remember 9, anbd sher is 10. Only have sex with people who are at least 18, but this can be difficult because everyone looks like they're the same age. So you're going to have to ask. Listen for their response in Chinese. That is either ba-sher, or sher-ba. You'll either get an 18 year old or an 80 year old, but it's all good.
Cultural lessons: Hocking and spitting is ok and encouraged. People look at you weird if you don't smoke like a chimney. It is not rude to stare, unless I stare at a Chinese person, then they don't like it. Bikes everywhere. Depending on where you are, garbage everywhere.
Chinese driving is very different from American driving. Here, lanes are simply suggestions. They also have no problem driving against the flow of traffic or on sidewalks (mom knows about both of these). The sounds of a Chinese city are fulled with horns. It took me a while to realize, but half of them are taxis honking at us foreigners. Even without those half, there is still plenty of honking.
Today we saw a bunch of firemen running down the street in unison. I said that I hoped that they were just in training and not running to fight a fire. They had no water. What were they gonna do, throw themselves onto the fire in hopes of eventually putting it out? Did I mention that it's hot as a witches tit here, and they were fully dressed in heavy firemen's gear?
We had another fun class today. Luckily there were fewer students, mostly girls, and they all were eager to learn English. We may be traveling tomorrow to some other cit to teach with the General. I salute you, you ass.
Lesson 2: Shi shi (xi xi) means thank you. Use this a lot, because you can say it when you're leaving. That way you don't have to deal with people speaking Chinese to you. Be prepared for people to laugh at you, presumably because they are shocked that you can speak Chinese at all.
Lesson 3: I know some random numbers. EE = 1, Arrr= 2, san= 3, tz or somethung is 4 maybe, ohoohoho or some crap is 5, leo =6, tzi might be 7, ba = 8, i never remember 9, anbd sher is 10. Only have sex with people who are at least 18, but this can be difficult because everyone looks like they're the same age. So you're going to have to ask. Listen for their response in Chinese. That is either ba-sher, or sher-ba. You'll either get an 18 year old or an 80 year old, but it's all good.
Cultural lessons: Hocking and spitting is ok and encouraged. People look at you weird if you don't smoke like a chimney. It is not rude to stare, unless I stare at a Chinese person, then they don't like it. Bikes everywhere. Depending on where you are, garbage everywhere.
Chinese driving is very different from American driving. Here, lanes are simply suggestions. They also have no problem driving against the flow of traffic or on sidewalks (mom knows about both of these). The sounds of a Chinese city are fulled with horns. It took me a while to realize, but half of them are taxis honking at us foreigners. Even without those half, there is still plenty of honking.
Today we saw a bunch of firemen running down the street in unison. I said that I hoped that they were just in training and not running to fight a fire. They had no water. What were they gonna do, throw themselves onto the fire in hopes of eventually putting it out? Did I mention that it's hot as a witches tit here, and they were fully dressed in heavy firemen's gear?
We had another fun class today. Luckily there were fewer students, mostly girls, and they all were eager to learn English. We may be traveling tomorrow to some other cit to teach with the General. I salute you, you ass.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Luangyungong is Chinese for Shit
Not literally, but this is the town that we are staying in. It is the worst city that we have visited. It is very Han Chinese. About 99% of China's population is Han. They have had very little exposure to real-life foreigners. The stares are piercing. The laughter is crushing. The stench is the worst.
On a lighter note, Sherkhan and I just scream out crazy shit in English and no one's the wiser. My favorite is "Damn, my balls are sweaty! Hey you, wanna some sweaty balls on your face?" It's an interesting mindgame with these people. They don't realize that we know that they are making fun of us. We are much more slick about it making fun of them. Of course, we don't make fun of everybody, just those that instigate.
Today was the big showdown with the clowns, G-G-G-G-G-Unit and General Dipshit. We demanded that they show us our apartment. Finally they caved. It was an absolute shithole. We flipped out a bit. Ole Crazy Dave came back to life. I was pissed off that they promised us an apartment two days ago, and then yesterday, then today, and so on and so forth. But nothing.
So we "expressed our displeasure" in many more words and they promised to take care of shit. The General said, "You better believe us. We believe you, you believe us." I said, "You should believe us, we've done our part! But you have not been honest. We don't believe you." I wish I could record this dude's voice. It's so ridulous.
They showed us the apartment after we taught another lively class. (We are damn good teachers, if I can be modest for a second). They were fixing the place up and we kept making demands. Finally, we have hope now.
One last note about being in China. My Chinese is probably equivalent to a retarded elephant's, but my English has uh, what's the word, got much more badder since being here. I can hardly express myslef to Sherkhan, and making a joke is now out of the question. I constantly pause to think of words that I know just because that's how everyone talks to us. Hopefully my next blog will be lighter and more coherent.
How bout that Deep Throat uncovery (is that a word?see what I mean). Mar Felt, the No. 2 at the FBI was Deep Throat, the anonymous source that confirmed Woodward and Bernstein's information on Watergate, which forced President Nixon to resign.
Calling out Bhavna, what's up with your to do list? I'm coming back States-side in less than 3 weeks, how's everything progressing?
On a lighter note, Sherkhan and I just scream out crazy shit in English and no one's the wiser. My favorite is "Damn, my balls are sweaty! Hey you, wanna some sweaty balls on your face?" It's an interesting mindgame with these people. They don't realize that we know that they are making fun of us. We are much more slick about it making fun of them. Of course, we don't make fun of everybody, just those that instigate.
Today was the big showdown with the clowns, G-G-G-G-G-Unit and General Dipshit. We demanded that they show us our apartment. Finally they caved. It was an absolute shithole. We flipped out a bit. Ole Crazy Dave came back to life. I was pissed off that they promised us an apartment two days ago, and then yesterday, then today, and so on and so forth. But nothing.
So we "expressed our displeasure" in many more words and they promised to take care of shit. The General said, "You better believe us. We believe you, you believe us." I said, "You should believe us, we've done our part! But you have not been honest. We don't believe you." I wish I could record this dude's voice. It's so ridulous.
They showed us the apartment after we taught another lively class. (We are damn good teachers, if I can be modest for a second). They were fixing the place up and we kept making demands. Finally, we have hope now.
One last note about being in China. My Chinese is probably equivalent to a retarded elephant's, but my English has uh, what's the word, got much more badder since being here. I can hardly express myslef to Sherkhan, and making a joke is now out of the question. I constantly pause to think of words that I know just because that's how everyone talks to us. Hopefully my next blog will be lighter and more coherent.
How bout that Deep Throat uncovery (is that a word?see what I mean). Mar Felt, the No. 2 at the FBI was Deep Throat, the anonymous source that confirmed Woodward and Bernstein's information on Watergate, which forced President Nixon to resign.
Calling out Bhavna, what's up with your to do list? I'm coming back States-side in less than 3 weeks, how's everything progressing?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)