The Chinese view their history in terms of dynasties. Periods with a strong central government are referred to as "Golden Ages," while those eras where China was decentralized as considered dark ages. With the fall of the Qing Dynasty, generally given the date of 1911, until the Communist Party's victory over the Nationalists, two warring factions prevented a strong central government from functioning.
Accepting a strong central government does not come naturally to China. It is a large landmass with many diverse groups of people. There are several different languages spoken in the country. I like to make the joke that China has about a billion different dialects. From city to city, you feel like you're in a different country with each stop. None of this is a new phenomenon. If anything, China is slowly becoming more homogenous.
The Qing Dynasty, ruled by a minority ethnic group- the Manchus- had to preserve its culture while at the same time appeasing the dominant ethnic group within China, the Han. The Qing did so by rooting their legitimacy in orthodox Confucianism and rarely imposing Manchu cultural aspects on the wider population of the empire. They kept their culture alive by maintaining the Manchu language and using it to supplement governmental declarations. However, the only cultural aspect that the Manchus imposed was the queue hairstyle. Otherwise, they kept in place some fundamental aspects of Han culture. In addition to the Confucian value of filial piety, the Manchus also kept such ancient institutions as the civil service exam system.
Thus maintaining their distinctness and yet not imposing their culture was a shrewd political tactic and a means of gaining legitimacy in the eyes of the Han. Today, the CCP has a similar task in seeking legitimacy in order to keep all of China within their realm. The CCP's legitimacy rests on the ideology of socialism. They have worked to convince the population to serve the state. Everything one does should be for the betterment of the state. If the Party allowed democracy to flourish, their principle for legitimacy would likely be undermined, which may result in a massive breakup of China.
That is not to place judgment in either direction on the actions of the CCP, but merely to put them into perspective. The Olympics brought people from all over the world to Beijing. It is plausible that the result was an exchange of ideas. Perhaps this exchange will plant a seed of dissent and create an active movement to challenge the government's limitations on free speech in China. But it is important to realize that an unrestricted freedom of speech might very well divide China into lands based on ethnic groups. Whether or not the realization of self-determination among these various groups will have a positive effect for their people is a question for another time. (If you like all this seriousness, check out the new HarazQuack Times - International Edition)
Showing posts with label China. Show all posts
Showing posts with label China. Show all posts
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Going to China for the Olympics?
If you are on your way to China for the Olympics, you might be wondering what to expect. Maybe you heard a lot of scary things. Well, here are a few helpful hints from someone who has been there.
The Stereotypes
- China is a repressive place with a strong military presence and no freedom of speech.
- There is a one child per family policy in place.
- The air pollution is unbearable.
- Chinese food is the same as it is in America.
- You will be fined for spitting.
The Reality
- There is no visible military presence outside of the Tiananmen Square area in Beijing. I don't remember seeing so much as a police officer anywhere else in the country. In fact, I have pictures of me and my friends mockingly marching behind soldiers and making fun of Mao in Tiananmen Square. I advocated freeing Tibet and Taiwan in classes that I taught and getting around the internet controls was very easy.
- There might still be a one child policy in place but everyone I met had a brother or sister.
- If you stay in China for a few years, the pollution will probably have an effect on you. If you are just going for the Olympics, it really shouldn't bother you and if it does, it might be an indication that you should be in a hospital hooked up to a respirator. Beijing was less polluted than some other Chinese cities in my estimation. I ran and played basketball the entire time I was in China. There was one day in a city far away from Beijing when the pollution was unimaginable. My friend and I could hardly open our eyes. We were told that the farmers were burning their crops just outside the city, but I'm not so sure. Regardless, that one day was an aberration.
- If you find a chicken breast, wing, or thigh in China you are a very lucky person (unless they kept them for all the foreigners during the Olympics). You get what's left, including the feet, knees, and face.
- If you think the government can control spitting, you are in for a phlegm-filled surprise! Do your best to avoid the little old ladies hocking loogies your way and don't say I didn't warn you.
Hopefully, you have as great an experience as I had and will gain a better understanding of Beijing. Keep in mind, every Chinese city is different, even ones in the same province!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Boycott the Beijing Olympics?
The talk to boycott the 2008 Summer Olympics in China has heated up lately. The logic that calls for the boycott is embarrassingly elementary. It boils down to: China commits human rights violations so we should boycott the Olympics in their country to show our outrage at their abuses.
The protesters don't seem to understand the implications of their call to boycott. There have been protests of the Olympic torch running in France, Germany, and the United States. While France and Germany are guilty of human rights violations, I am from the United States, so I will speak to the protesters from my country.
The Chinese government is surely guilty of violating the human rights of not only its citizens, but those from other nations. However, so has the United States. We've ruined Iraq's society; we've killed numerous Afghan citizens. We dethrone the leaders of other countries as if it's our right. We've detained countless individuals without providing them with their due rights. The United States of America has violated the human rights of people all over the world. Yet, there were no protests before the 1996 Atlanta Olympics or the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. We must take care of our own house first, before we protest the actions of others.
Freeing Tibet has been the fad cause of the West for a while now. I oppose the culture destruction of the Han Chinese against the Tibetans. But understand what you are saying when you call for Tibet's independence. Other regions will declare their independence based on ethnic lines. You are saying that a non-Western country cannot be multi-ethnic. There is an implicit racism in this belief. "They" are not capable of getting along with other ethnicities.
The other implication of the break up of China is to cut the power from this large and most populous nation. The West wants to hold on to it's power and China is threatening. If China is cut into pieces, they are no longer a threat. That's why the Dalai Lama has always approved covert CIA action to resist the Chinese government on behalf of Tibet. I admire the Dalai Lama, but this is not a discussion of Good versus Evil. The Dalai Lama has blood on his hands too.
The Western powers don't want China to have Western privileges like hosting the Olympics. Hosting the Olympics is a symbol that China is the new power-broker on the block and that scares the West. I am surprised that liberal activists are working to maintain the status quo of Western power. Instead, they should fight to right the wrongs in their own countries and celebrate the fact that a non-white-dominated country will host the summer Olympics for the first time since 1988 and only the second since 1968.
The protesters don't seem to understand the implications of their call to boycott. There have been protests of the Olympic torch running in France, Germany, and the United States. While France and Germany are guilty of human rights violations, I am from the United States, so I will speak to the protesters from my country.
The Chinese government is surely guilty of violating the human rights of not only its citizens, but those from other nations. However, so has the United States. We've ruined Iraq's society; we've killed numerous Afghan citizens. We dethrone the leaders of other countries as if it's our right. We've detained countless individuals without providing them with their due rights. The United States of America has violated the human rights of people all over the world. Yet, there were no protests before the 1996 Atlanta Olympics or the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. We must take care of our own house first, before we protest the actions of others.
Freeing Tibet has been the fad cause of the West for a while now. I oppose the culture destruction of the Han Chinese against the Tibetans. But understand what you are saying when you call for Tibet's independence. Other regions will declare their independence based on ethnic lines. You are saying that a non-Western country cannot be multi-ethnic. There is an implicit racism in this belief. "They" are not capable of getting along with other ethnicities.
The other implication of the break up of China is to cut the power from this large and most populous nation. The West wants to hold on to it's power and China is threatening. If China is cut into pieces, they are no longer a threat. That's why the Dalai Lama has always approved covert CIA action to resist the Chinese government on behalf of Tibet. I admire the Dalai Lama, but this is not a discussion of Good versus Evil. The Dalai Lama has blood on his hands too.
The Western powers don't want China to have Western privileges like hosting the Olympics. Hosting the Olympics is a symbol that China is the new power-broker on the block and that scares the West. I am surprised that liberal activists are working to maintain the status quo of Western power. Instead, they should fight to right the wrongs in their own countries and celebrate the fact that a non-white-dominated country will host the summer Olympics for the first time since 1988 and only the second since 1968.
Monday, December 11, 2006
My Test
If my posting becomes less frequent over the next week or the quality decreases drastically (if that's possible) it's because I have a week-long take-home comprehensive final exam.
It's two questions and I don't know the specifics yet. My professor told me that one question is on what we learned this semester. So that probably deals with the evolution and shifting definition of modern Chinese nationalism.
The other question deals with theorizing about rulers' legitimacy pre-nation-state and during the nation-state era. Here I can draw on my studies of Vijayanagara (14th-16th century south Indian kingdom) and the Qing Dynasty of China during the 19th century. There are actually parallels between the two. Both allowed much of their empire to remain autonomous. This limited any drastic uprooting of their subjects' lives.
Both Vijayanagara and the Qing dealt with a precarious multi-ethnic situation. Vijayanagara's rulers were religiously Hindu, but they bordered Muslim kingdoms and had a large Muslim quarter within the capital city. The rulers adopted a hybrid culture with culturally Hindu and culturally Islamic features. They wore clothes that resembled those of sultans and their buildings were a fusion of south Indian stairs-like domes and Islamic arched doorways. Muslims also held prominent positions within the military. The Qing were Manchus ruling over the dominant Han. They tried to preserve their own culture (only imposing the queue hairstyle) while finding legitimacy in orthodox Confucianism, which ironically only pushed a Han cultural dominance.
As far as legitimacy in the nation-state era, I can focus on China. But I can't really theorize about it until I get the actual question, because there have been so many shifts and turns even since 1911.
Maybe I'll use the blog to think things through more, or just blow some steam off. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
It's two questions and I don't know the specifics yet. My professor told me that one question is on what we learned this semester. So that probably deals with the evolution and shifting definition of modern Chinese nationalism.
The other question deals with theorizing about rulers' legitimacy pre-nation-state and during the nation-state era. Here I can draw on my studies of Vijayanagara (14th-16th century south Indian kingdom) and the Qing Dynasty of China during the 19th century. There are actually parallels between the two. Both allowed much of their empire to remain autonomous. This limited any drastic uprooting of their subjects' lives.
Both Vijayanagara and the Qing dealt with a precarious multi-ethnic situation. Vijayanagara's rulers were religiously Hindu, but they bordered Muslim kingdoms and had a large Muslim quarter within the capital city. The rulers adopted a hybrid culture with culturally Hindu and culturally Islamic features. They wore clothes that resembled those of sultans and their buildings were a fusion of south Indian stairs-like domes and Islamic arched doorways. Muslims also held prominent positions within the military. The Qing were Manchus ruling over the dominant Han. They tried to preserve their own culture (only imposing the queue hairstyle) while finding legitimacy in orthodox Confucianism, which ironically only pushed a Han cultural dominance.
As far as legitimacy in the nation-state era, I can focus on China. But I can't really theorize about it until I get the actual question, because there have been so many shifts and turns even since 1911.
Maybe I'll use the blog to think things through more, or just blow some steam off. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Chinese Battle Royale: Finals
The guys are rested since last Friday and are ready to battle for ultimate glory.
Here's the matchup:
Zhou Enlai vs Sun Yatsen (Important moderate in the CCP against the Nationalist Party member whose legacy has remained in tact)
Zhou Enlai vs Sun Yatsen
Both Zhou Enlai and Sun Yatsen were able to survive and thrive the propaganda battle Mao and the Communist party waged against dissent. Zhou is considered a favorite among many Chinese people, more than Mao and Sun was always seen as a national father, even under Communist China. This battle would be a tough one.
Sun hits Zhou over the head and it's all over. Sorry folks, you got ripped off, what can I say. Sun Yatsen reaches ultimate glory and there are a lot of pissed off people who paid to see this fight.
Here's the matchup:
Zhou Enlai vs Sun Yatsen (Important moderate in the CCP against the Nationalist Party member whose legacy has remained in tact)
Zhou Enlai vs Sun Yatsen
Both Zhou Enlai and Sun Yatsen were able to survive and thrive the propaganda battle Mao and the Communist party waged against dissent. Zhou is considered a favorite among many Chinese people, more than Mao and Sun was always seen as a national father, even under Communist China. This battle would be a tough one.
Sun hits Zhou over the head and it's all over. Sorry folks, you got ripped off, what can I say. Sun Yatsen reaches ultimate glory and there are a lot of pissed off people who paid to see this fight.
Friday, October 27, 2006
China's Battle Royale: Semis
2 more wins to ultimate glory.
Here are the matchups:
Mao Zedong vs Zhou Enlai (Communist Party leader vs his most trusted advisor)
Sun Yatsen vs Yen Fu (Father of the modern China battles late 19th century intellectual)
Mao Zedong vs Zhou Enlai
At first, Mao makes Zhou look like a follower. Mao Zedong is about to win easily. Zhou looks overmatched. But that was Zhou's strategy all along. Zhou takes the occasional well-timed shot and then retreats. He knows that his he goes for an all out assault Mao will kill him. Some wonder how Zhou is even able to do what he's doing, however carefully calculated his actions are. But Mao is still the boss of this one. This battle drags out and Mao maintains his lead, covering up any harm Zhou may cause him. Mao's legend appears to have trumped Zhou. Slowly but surely, Zhou comes back. Once one of Mao's weaknesses surfaces, others follow. Zhou capitalizes. Soon Mao is fighting for his life. Zhou deliberate method seems to have worked. Mao's wild swings just hit poor bystanders. He leaves a gash on Zhou's face just before he succumbs to Zhou's punishment. It's all over. Zhou Enlai upsets his master and advances to the finals.
Sun Yatsen vs Yen Fu
Yen Fu wizardry with words works towards a win for a while. The tide turns quickly in Sun Yatsen's direction. Sun Yatsen has the crowd behind him and it only fuels his momentum. Sun puts Yen in a precarious position. Yen tries to write a letter to get help. But the letter is in classical Chinese and no one reads that any more. Yen Fu is all alone and against a man who has the support of the people. This turns into a blowout. It's all over. Sun Yatsen will take on Zhou Enlai for ultimate glory.
Here are the matchups:
Mao Zedong vs Zhou Enlai (Communist Party leader vs his most trusted advisor)
Sun Yatsen vs Yen Fu (Father of the modern China battles late 19th century intellectual)
Mao Zedong vs Zhou Enlai
At first, Mao makes Zhou look like a follower. Mao Zedong is about to win easily. Zhou looks overmatched. But that was Zhou's strategy all along. Zhou takes the occasional well-timed shot and then retreats. He knows that his he goes for an all out assault Mao will kill him. Some wonder how Zhou is even able to do what he's doing, however carefully calculated his actions are. But Mao is still the boss of this one. This battle drags out and Mao maintains his lead, covering up any harm Zhou may cause him. Mao's legend appears to have trumped Zhou. Slowly but surely, Zhou comes back. Once one of Mao's weaknesses surfaces, others follow. Zhou capitalizes. Soon Mao is fighting for his life. Zhou deliberate method seems to have worked. Mao's wild swings just hit poor bystanders. He leaves a gash on Zhou's face just before he succumbs to Zhou's punishment. It's all over. Zhou Enlai upsets his master and advances to the finals.
Sun Yatsen vs Yen Fu
Yen Fu wizardry with words works towards a win for a while. The tide turns quickly in Sun Yatsen's direction. Sun Yatsen has the crowd behind him and it only fuels his momentum. Sun puts Yen in a precarious position. Yen tries to write a letter to get help. But the letter is in classical Chinese and no one reads that any more. Yen Fu is all alone and against a man who has the support of the people. This turns into a blowout. It's all over. Sun Yatsen will take on Zhou Enlai for ultimate glory.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
China's Battle Royale: Quarterfinals
The guys have rested up since Friday's first round and are now ready for action. 3 more wins for ultimate glory.
Here are the matchups:
Mao Zedong vs Chiang Kai-shek (the CCP leader in a historical rematch with the KMT/GMD chief)
Zhou Enlai vs Deng Xiaoping (Mao's #2 vs Mao's eventually successor)
Sun Yatsen vs Hu Jintao (the father of modern Chinese nationalism against the leader of current China)
Yen Fu vs Liang Qichao (Battle between two late 19th century intellectuals)
Let's get it on...
Quarterfinals
Mao Zedong vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek takes a nominal lead in this contest, but it's clear that he may not be able to hold on for long. Mao chips away at Chiang's legs. Then Mao works on Chiang's arms. The tide shifts as Chiang fights back. Mao was inches from extinction. Chiang knocked him out and walked away, believing that he was victorious. Then Mao marched his way and thrashed Chiang. It's all over. Mao moves onto the Semifinals.
Zhou Enlai vs Deng Xiaoping
In the beginning, Deng looks good. Deng unleashes a free market of punches to Zhou Enlai's face. But Zhou Enlai has seen this before. He knows Deng's moves ahead of time and throws a balance of his own kicks and punches. Deng feebly tries to fight back, but this is turning into a massacre and it will be overshadow Deng's previous victories, as it should. Zhou wins and will face Mao in the next round.
Sun Yatsen vs Hu Jintao
Sun Yatsen sets the tone from the outset. Anything Hu Jintao tries to do, he's beaten to the punch. Hu rolls with the punches... to the ground. It's a party in Hu's face and Sun's strong fists are invited. It's all over. Sun wins.
Yen Fu vs Liang Qichao
At first glance, this matchup appears to be equal. Liang Qichao's attacks are more varied than those of Yen Fu's, but Yen's are focused and land true. Liang decides to take a different approach deep into the contest. It works and Liang pounds Yen Fu like thunder crashing against the spirit of the nation, or something. But Yen Fu translates Liang's energy into a wealthy array of eye gouges. Liang is poked blind and it's all over. Yen will face Sun in the semis.
Here are the matchups:
Mao Zedong vs Chiang Kai-shek (the CCP leader in a historical rematch with the KMT/GMD chief)
Zhou Enlai vs Deng Xiaoping (Mao's #2 vs Mao's eventually successor)
Sun Yatsen vs Hu Jintao (the father of modern Chinese nationalism against the leader of current China)
Yen Fu vs Liang Qichao (Battle between two late 19th century intellectuals)
Let's get it on...
Quarterfinals
Mao Zedong vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek takes a nominal lead in this contest, but it's clear that he may not be able to hold on for long. Mao chips away at Chiang's legs. Then Mao works on Chiang's arms. The tide shifts as Chiang fights back. Mao was inches from extinction. Chiang knocked him out and walked away, believing that he was victorious. Then Mao marched his way and thrashed Chiang. It's all over. Mao moves onto the Semifinals.
Zhou Enlai vs Deng Xiaoping
In the beginning, Deng looks good. Deng unleashes a free market of punches to Zhou Enlai's face. But Zhou Enlai has seen this before. He knows Deng's moves ahead of time and throws a balance of his own kicks and punches. Deng feebly tries to fight back, but this is turning into a massacre and it will be overshadow Deng's previous victories, as it should. Zhou wins and will face Mao in the next round.
Sun Yatsen vs Hu Jintao
Sun Yatsen sets the tone from the outset. Anything Hu Jintao tries to do, he's beaten to the punch. Hu rolls with the punches... to the ground. It's a party in Hu's face and Sun's strong fists are invited. It's all over. Sun wins.
Yen Fu vs Liang Qichao
At first glance, this matchup appears to be equal. Liang Qichao's attacks are more varied than those of Yen Fu's, but Yen's are focused and land true. Liang decides to take a different approach deep into the contest. It works and Liang pounds Yen Fu like thunder crashing against the spirit of the nation, or something. But Yen Fu translates Liang's energy into a wealthy array of eye gouges. Liang is poked blind and it's all over. Yen will face Sun in the semis.
Friday, October 20, 2006
China's Battle Royale
16 competitors. Single elimination tournament. 4 wins to ultimate glory.
The Column 1 bracket includes:
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao (Communist leader against an early influential Nationalist)
Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek (15th century naval admiral battling Head Nationalist)
Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman (Mao's #2 facing off against the West's stereotypical Chinaman)
Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming (Communist leader squares off against NBA player)
The Column 2 bracket:
Sun Yatsen vs Puyi (Father of modern China goes toe-to-toe with the last Qing emperor)
Hu Jintao vs Leader of the Boxer Uprising (China's current leader faces, well, you can read)
Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog (Late 19th century intellectual battling current emcee)
Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong (Both late 19th century, intellectual against actor)
Let's get it on....
Round 1
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao
In the beginning this one looked even. The prize was there for both of them to take. But which one would resonate with the Chinese people: Communism or Nationalism? Dai tried to argue that class consciousness had nothing to do with China becoming a strong nation, but Mao shot all of Dai's friends dead. Suddenly, Dai starts accepting that class conflict plays a role. But he's still hanging on by a thread. That's when Mao uses his charisma to draw Dai in close. Mao implements the "Spit For Class Consciousness" and Dai drowns in a puddle of Mao's saliva. It's all over. Communism will prevail in China for now. And Mao advances to the quarterfinals.
Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek knows he has to act quickly and violently if he wants to win. He runs up to Zheng He (pronounced Chung Her) and kicks the great admiral in the balls. Zheng feigns pain then turns around and slaps Chiang. Chiang gets up and continuously kicks Zheng in the crotch. It has no affect of Zheng. Zheng He takes Chiang out to sea and starts drowning him. An inch from death it occurs to Chiang, Zheng He is a eunuch! Chiang forced himself out of the water and gave Zheng He some Leninist party action to the throat. The Chiang purges the shit out Zheng He until the "Ball-less Wonder" relents. It's all over. Chiang wins and will face Mao next.
Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman
Zhou Enlai was walking by when he saw John Chinaman, the Western perception of the stereotypical average Chinese person during the early 20th century, shitting in the middle of the street. After shitting, John grabs a woman and sneezed on her, while his pants were still down. Then he pulls them up without wiping. Zhou Enlai, Mao's number 2, runs up behind him and shoves John down onto his own poop. John then takes a fist-full of the poop and flings it at Zhou. But Zhou's diplomatic talents negotiate the poop past his face. Zhou has John in an embarrassing position when John lets off some gas in Zhou's face. Zhou then talks to John Chinaman until the latter was shamed. John Chinaman changes his name to something more Chinese sounding and now works in a factory to fulfill his revolutionary duty. It's all over. Zhou wins.
Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming
Deng, the leader of the Communist party towards the end of the 20th century, walks up to the center for the Houston Rockets, Yao Ming, with confidence. Yao then grabs Deng by the head and dunks him. Reeling, Deng pulls himself together and convinces Yao that the only reason he plays in the NBA in America is because of the former head of the CCP's exploits. Deng economically opened up China to capitalist investment. That's the only reason why Yao is so big, filling every billboard in China. Deng reverses history and closes China back up. Instantly, Yao shrinks from 7'5" to 4'9". Deng punches Yao in the face until Yao dies. It's all over. Deng wins. He'll face Zhou next.
Sun Yatsen vs Puyi
Sun Yatsen, in the name of resurrecting a strong China, revolts against Emperor Puyi, he's known as the last Qing emperor for a reason. Sun ousts the young Puyi from power and continues his quest for empowering the Chinese nation. It's all over. Sun is victorious.
Hu Jintao vs the Leader of the Boxer Uprising
Hu Jintao is a bit worried. Internet voting has put him as a decided underdog to win it all. As he waits, his nerves increase, but he stands still. His feet begin to hurt and he sits down. After much time, the match is called. The Boxer Uprising of 1900 never had a true leader in order to combat the "kill the head and the body will fall" policy of the Qing. It's all over before it starts. Hu stays alive for another round and will face Sun.
Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog
First MC Hotdog busts a few rhymes. Yen Fu bops his head a bit, with a quite confidence. MC Hotdog delivers a few verbal jabs at Yen Fu, but Yen remains steady. Then it's Yen's turn. The late 19th century scholar and textual translator lectures MC Hotdog on principles of democracy and how MC Hotdog should rap about that, its a wicked punch to Hotdog's gut. Then Yen talks about liberalism and Hotdog can't challenge him there either. It's turning into a route. MC Hotdog comes back with the fact that Yen's ideas are all Western-based, but Yen blocks that attempt, claiming that it doesn't matter where the ideas come from as long as it helps the Chinese nation. Anyway, Yen's beliefs are rooted in Chinese tradition more than MC Hotdog's music. MC Hotdog is on the ropes after that wicked counter. Then Yen finishes him off with Social Darwinist theory. "The Chinese man eats the hotdog and is thus a higher form of species." BLAW! it's all over. Yen wins.
Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong
Liang is a smart guy. He knows medicine and political theory. But his fellow late 19th century contemporary, Wang, can act and write plays. He writes a play that nearly convinces Liang of his position. The play compares the destitute situation of China at the turn of the century with that of Poland. If China does not become a strong state, then it will be partitioned just like Poland. Liang is knocked outside of the ring and to the ground. Wang raises his fist in triumph. But here comes Liang with a turkey, the country that Wang inaccurately portrayed as Poland's partitioner in his play. BAM! Liang smacks Wang with a turkey to the face. It's all over. Liang will matchup against Yen Fu in the next round.
The Column 1 bracket includes:
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao (Communist leader against an early influential Nationalist)
Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek (15th century naval admiral battling Head Nationalist)
Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman (Mao's #2 facing off against the West's stereotypical Chinaman)
Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming (Communist leader squares off against NBA player)
The Column 2 bracket:
Sun Yatsen vs Puyi (Father of modern China goes toe-to-toe with the last Qing emperor)
Hu Jintao vs Leader of the Boxer Uprising (China's current leader faces, well, you can read)
Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog (Late 19th century intellectual battling current emcee)
Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong (Both late 19th century, intellectual against actor)
Let's get it on....
Round 1
Mao Zedong vs Dai Jitao
In the beginning this one looked even. The prize was there for both of them to take. But which one would resonate with the Chinese people: Communism or Nationalism? Dai tried to argue that class consciousness had nothing to do with China becoming a strong nation, but Mao shot all of Dai's friends dead. Suddenly, Dai starts accepting that class conflict plays a role. But he's still hanging on by a thread. That's when Mao uses his charisma to draw Dai in close. Mao implements the "Spit For Class Consciousness" and Dai drowns in a puddle of Mao's saliva. It's all over. Communism will prevail in China for now. And Mao advances to the quarterfinals.
Zheng He vs Chiang Kai-shek
Chiang Kai-shek knows he has to act quickly and violently if he wants to win. He runs up to Zheng He (pronounced Chung Her) and kicks the great admiral in the balls. Zheng feigns pain then turns around and slaps Chiang. Chiang gets up and continuously kicks Zheng in the crotch. It has no affect of Zheng. Zheng He takes Chiang out to sea and starts drowning him. An inch from death it occurs to Chiang, Zheng He is a eunuch! Chiang forced himself out of the water and gave Zheng He some Leninist party action to the throat. The Chiang purges the shit out Zheng He until the "Ball-less Wonder" relents. It's all over. Chiang wins and will face Mao next.
Zhou Enlai vs John Chinaman
Zhou Enlai was walking by when he saw John Chinaman, the Western perception of the stereotypical average Chinese person during the early 20th century, shitting in the middle of the street. After shitting, John grabs a woman and sneezed on her, while his pants were still down. Then he pulls them up without wiping. Zhou Enlai, Mao's number 2, runs up behind him and shoves John down onto his own poop. John then takes a fist-full of the poop and flings it at Zhou. But Zhou's diplomatic talents negotiate the poop past his face. Zhou has John in an embarrassing position when John lets off some gas in Zhou's face. Zhou then talks to John Chinaman until the latter was shamed. John Chinaman changes his name to something more Chinese sounding and now works in a factory to fulfill his revolutionary duty. It's all over. Zhou wins.
Deng Xiaoping vs Yao Ming
Deng, the leader of the Communist party towards the end of the 20th century, walks up to the center for the Houston Rockets, Yao Ming, with confidence. Yao then grabs Deng by the head and dunks him. Reeling, Deng pulls himself together and convinces Yao that the only reason he plays in the NBA in America is because of the former head of the CCP's exploits. Deng economically opened up China to capitalist investment. That's the only reason why Yao is so big, filling every billboard in China. Deng reverses history and closes China back up. Instantly, Yao shrinks from 7'5" to 4'9". Deng punches Yao in the face until Yao dies. It's all over. Deng wins. He'll face Zhou next.
Sun Yatsen vs Puyi
Sun Yatsen, in the name of resurrecting a strong China, revolts against Emperor Puyi, he's known as the last Qing emperor for a reason. Sun ousts the young Puyi from power and continues his quest for empowering the Chinese nation. It's all over. Sun is victorious.
Hu Jintao vs the Leader of the Boxer Uprising
Hu Jintao is a bit worried. Internet voting has put him as a decided underdog to win it all. As he waits, his nerves increase, but he stands still. His feet begin to hurt and he sits down. After much time, the match is called. The Boxer Uprising of 1900 never had a true leader in order to combat the "kill the head and the body will fall" policy of the Qing. It's all over before it starts. Hu stays alive for another round and will face Sun.
Yen Fu vs MC Hotdog
First MC Hotdog busts a few rhymes. Yen Fu bops his head a bit, with a quite confidence. MC Hotdog delivers a few verbal jabs at Yen Fu, but Yen remains steady. Then it's Yen's turn. The late 19th century scholar and textual translator lectures MC Hotdog on principles of democracy and how MC Hotdog should rap about that, its a wicked punch to Hotdog's gut. Then Yen talks about liberalism and Hotdog can't challenge him there either. It's turning into a route. MC Hotdog comes back with the fact that Yen's ideas are all Western-based, but Yen blocks that attempt, claiming that it doesn't matter where the ideas come from as long as it helps the Chinese nation. Anyway, Yen's beliefs are rooted in Chinese tradition more than MC Hotdog's music. MC Hotdog is on the ropes after that wicked counter. Then Yen finishes him off with Social Darwinist theory. "The Chinese man eats the hotdog and is thus a higher form of species." BLAW! it's all over. Yen wins.
Liang Qichao vs Wang Xiaonong
Liang is a smart guy. He knows medicine and political theory. But his fellow late 19th century contemporary, Wang, can act and write plays. He writes a play that nearly convinces Liang of his position. The play compares the destitute situation of China at the turn of the century with that of Poland. If China does not become a strong state, then it will be partitioned just like Poland. Liang is knocked outside of the ring and to the ground. Wang raises his fist in triumph. But here comes Liang with a turkey, the country that Wang inaccurately portrayed as Poland's partitioner in his play. BAM! Liang smacks Wang with a turkey to the face. It's all over. Liang will matchup against Yen Fu in the next round.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
John Chinaman
In John Fitzgerald's book Awakening China, he refers to the average Chinese person as "John Chinaman." Um, what the fuck? Since when is that scholarly acceptable? I mean the book was published in 1996, not 1896!
The name "John Chinaman" makes no sense anyway. It's as if a Chinese scholar called the average American "Wang Mayguo." Suuuure, there are millions of Wang Mayguos in America, didn't you know? There's nothing Chinese about the name John Chinaman. It's just ridiculous on top of being offensive. What's worse is he could just as easily have written "the average Chinese person..."
The name "John Chinaman" makes no sense anyway. It's as if a Chinese scholar called the average American "Wang Mayguo." Suuuure, there are millions of Wang Mayguos in America, didn't you know? There's nothing Chinese about the name John Chinaman. It's just ridiculous on top of being offensive. What's worse is he could just as easily have written "the average Chinese person..."
Friday, June 17, 2005
Last Post in China
So my trip is near its end. Most of it was filled with frustration and bitterness, but strangely I don't want to leave. People make the place. Once I was rid of the riffraff, this place turned for the better.
I've learned many things. Of course, everything Chinese was novel to me, but I learned much more valuable lessons about myself. I think I bring people to my level, I treat them as equals. If you think that you're better then me, such as Abbott, the General, and G-G-G-G-Unit, then we are not going to get along very well. But if you lack self-confidence, or are downtrodden, then you are probably going to like me.
I've met many wonderful people that I hope I can stay in contact with. I've also met a few despicable people. People are generally the same everywhere. You have the good and the bad.
For someone whe doesn't speak Chinese and has never been in a situation like that for so long, I think I did pretty well. I discovered that in some cases, language is quite over-rated, and in others I've seen the true importance of language.
In the end, I will take many things with me back home. Experiences, memories, lessons, pictures, and little knicknacks among them. However, the one thing I won't be taking back is a Chinese wife. At least not as of today!
I've learned many things. Of course, everything Chinese was novel to me, but I learned much more valuable lessons about myself. I think I bring people to my level, I treat them as equals. If you think that you're better then me, such as Abbott, the General, and G-G-G-G-Unit, then we are not going to get along very well. But if you lack self-confidence, or are downtrodden, then you are probably going to like me.
I've met many wonderful people that I hope I can stay in contact with. I've also met a few despicable people. People are generally the same everywhere. You have the good and the bad.
For someone whe doesn't speak Chinese and has never been in a situation like that for so long, I think I did pretty well. I discovered that in some cases, language is quite over-rated, and in others I've seen the true importance of language.
In the end, I will take many things with me back home. Experiences, memories, lessons, pictures, and little knicknacks among them. However, the one thing I won't be taking back is a Chinese wife. At least not as of today!
Another Shitty Day of Smiles
Today I taught a class at 8am again. It was actually quite a lot of fun. Then I took a taxi back to watch the second half of Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Detroit's back in it. There was actually a lock that covered the keyhole and I didn't know how to open it. So I tried to ask someone, but they all waved me off, which was frustrating.
Luckily for me, Mr Huang and I had seen each other on my way home in the taxi. He yelled at me in Chinese and then rushed home and opened the door for me.
I had a lunch appointment at 12:10 and it was already around noon when the game ended. I had to take a cab, but I didn't have the address of the school written out in Chinese. I tried to explain this to Mr. Huang and around ten minutes later I got what I needed.
Lunch was delicious. I took a nap after and had dinner at Jane's house. The meats that I ate today were sheep, duck (the best two), beef, chicken, shrimp, and dog. Yes, I ate dog stew!
At night a group of us went for a walk. I talked with Jane for quite a long time and she told me about her childhood. She didn't know her father's relatives because they were killed by the Japanese. She was very poor, but now owns several flats, which she rents out, and pays for her daughter's lessons in everything from pingpong to musical instruments that I never heard of.
It was midnight, time to go home. Sherkhan had his bike and I was to run. This was fine for a few miles, but then something in my stomach reached up my hole and grabbed me. At first I thought it was a stomach ache. Then I realized that I had a bathroom emergency. I looked for a dark spot. I found one not far from the sidewalk. It was near the creek. On the other side of the bushes was the street, but the bushes gave me good coverage. So I took a big shit in public. Then there was the problem of toilet paper. Together, me and Sherkhan didn't have many tissues. So I asked for my wallet. I took out what I call a "Wu-Tang." One Yuan is the same as about 12 cents. So a "Wu-Tang" is one tenth of that, or 1.2 cents. I wiped my ass with the two "Wu-Tang" that I had. My dreams had been accomplished. Back in Shanghai, I had taken a shit in the public shower at the hostel, because when I asked where the bathroom was, that's what they showed me. It was only later that I found the real bathroom, discovering that I had shat in the shower. But last night, I shat in public!
Luckily for me, Mr Huang and I had seen each other on my way home in the taxi. He yelled at me in Chinese and then rushed home and opened the door for me.
I had a lunch appointment at 12:10 and it was already around noon when the game ended. I had to take a cab, but I didn't have the address of the school written out in Chinese. I tried to explain this to Mr. Huang and around ten minutes later I got what I needed.
Lunch was delicious. I took a nap after and had dinner at Jane's house. The meats that I ate today were sheep, duck (the best two), beef, chicken, shrimp, and dog. Yes, I ate dog stew!
At night a group of us went for a walk. I talked with Jane for quite a long time and she told me about her childhood. She didn't know her father's relatives because they were killed by the Japanese. She was very poor, but now owns several flats, which she rents out, and pays for her daughter's lessons in everything from pingpong to musical instruments that I never heard of.
It was midnight, time to go home. Sherkhan had his bike and I was to run. This was fine for a few miles, but then something in my stomach reached up my hole and grabbed me. At first I thought it was a stomach ache. Then I realized that I had a bathroom emergency. I looked for a dark spot. I found one not far from the sidewalk. It was near the creek. On the other side of the bushes was the street, but the bushes gave me good coverage. So I took a big shit in public. Then there was the problem of toilet paper. Together, me and Sherkhan didn't have many tissues. So I asked for my wallet. I took out what I call a "Wu-Tang." One Yuan is the same as about 12 cents. So a "Wu-Tang" is one tenth of that, or 1.2 cents. I wiped my ass with the two "Wu-Tang" that I had. My dreams had been accomplished. Back in Shanghai, I had taken a shit in the public shower at the hostel, because when I asked where the bathroom was, that's what they showed me. It was only later that I found the real bathroom, discovering that I had shat in the shower. But last night, I shat in public!
Thursday, June 16, 2005
The Worst Five Minutes Ever
The day didn't start out too great. I spent 25 minutes riding on the back of Mrs. Fu's bike. There's no padded seat, it's just a flat steel surface. One cheek kept sliding off it. My legs were in a constant curl, with nothing to rest my feet on.
Class was great. The kids asked me great questions and we had a lotta fun. After class, I ate with Agatha. At the restaurant I had to poo. So I closed the bathroom door and shat. Some old dude walked in, and he peed while I pooed in that cozy bathroom. After lunch, I felt stuffed. I rested before I went to play ball.
I played ball for two hours in the scorching heat, with no water and no breaks. I was tired. I took a cab home. It was the first time that I rode in the front of a taxi in China. We nearly died 73 times.
Then, Mr. Huang (Mrs. Fu's husband) took me to my night class on the back of his bike. Immediately, my leg cramped up. I screamed, "Ow, ow, oooh, my leg." He repeated, "Ow, ow oooh, my leg," thinking that I was teaching him English. So I just sat there and rubbed out the pain.
We were almost at the office when I felt like I had to fart. I wasn't feeling so good at that point. So I let one rip and I shit my pants.
But I still had a lot left inside. I tried to tell him to stop near the bathroom, to no avail. We stopped and I got off the bike. My legs had become so stiff that I couldn't extend them. Instead, I collapsed to the ground in front of a good number of people. Ten seconds later, I was able to get up. I very explicitly showed the secretary in the office what I had to do and what I needed to do it (toilet paper). Then, I did my little shit-run towards the bathroom. I got there, but I can't read Chinese, so I spent some more time going back and forth trying to figure out which was the men's bathroom.
Finally, I figured it out and took a liquidy shit. It grossed me out so much that I nearly threw up. The vomit came into my mouth and nose, but I swallowed it to keep my vomitless streak alive.
The door was wide open, so in the middle, I grabbed a mop to keep the door closed. But there was no way to block the window from the prying eyes of construction workers. Then there was a moment when I had to decide whether it was worth saving my underwear or just throwing it away. There were only a few squirt spots, so I decided to wash them out and keep 'em on.
My asshole burns now.
Class was great. The kids asked me great questions and we had a lotta fun. After class, I ate with Agatha. At the restaurant I had to poo. So I closed the bathroom door and shat. Some old dude walked in, and he peed while I pooed in that cozy bathroom. After lunch, I felt stuffed. I rested before I went to play ball.
I played ball for two hours in the scorching heat, with no water and no breaks. I was tired. I took a cab home. It was the first time that I rode in the front of a taxi in China. We nearly died 73 times.
Then, Mr. Huang (Mrs. Fu's husband) took me to my night class on the back of his bike. Immediately, my leg cramped up. I screamed, "Ow, ow, oooh, my leg." He repeated, "Ow, ow oooh, my leg," thinking that I was teaching him English. So I just sat there and rubbed out the pain.
We were almost at the office when I felt like I had to fart. I wasn't feeling so good at that point. So I let one rip and I shit my pants.
But I still had a lot left inside. I tried to tell him to stop near the bathroom, to no avail. We stopped and I got off the bike. My legs had become so stiff that I couldn't extend them. Instead, I collapsed to the ground in front of a good number of people. Ten seconds later, I was able to get up. I very explicitly showed the secretary in the office what I had to do and what I needed to do it (toilet paper). Then, I did my little shit-run towards the bathroom. I got there, but I can't read Chinese, so I spent some more time going back and forth trying to figure out which was the men's bathroom.
Finally, I figured it out and took a liquidy shit. It grossed me out so much that I nearly threw up. The vomit came into my mouth and nose, but I swallowed it to keep my vomitless streak alive.
The door was wide open, so in the middle, I grabbed a mop to keep the door closed. But there was no way to block the window from the prying eyes of construction workers. Then there was a moment when I had to decide whether it was worth saving my underwear or just throwing it away. There were only a few squirt spots, so I decided to wash them out and keep 'em on.
My asshole burns now.
Culture Clash
Today I encountered two instances of culture clash. The first occured when I went to lunch with Agatha. We ate duck, chicken, and some mystery bird that I took a picture of before I ate. It was an expensive meal and Agatha has been very nice to me, so I wanted to pay half. I told her and she screamed, "What are you doing?!" as if she were really offended. Then I heard her tell the waiters that I was from America in Chinese (migwa). Presumably calling me a stupid American.
She explained to me that because she invited me to lunch, she was required to pay.
The other instance happened after my night class. I wanted to go to the internet cafe. Abbott told me "now go home." I told him my intention. He yelled, "no! Go home now!" I flipped out. How you gonna tell a fucking grown man what to do, unless I let you (ma, grandma, end of list [until the next girlfriend]). I yelled, "No, internet! Don't argue with me! We are grown men! Grown men," as I pointed to me and Sherkhan.
Back home, if you told a grown ass man what to do, the next thing you'd get is a punch in the face. But here they are very paternalist. That's cool, but this guy is very rude about it. He only knows a little bit of English and I don't want to hear the shit that he knows. First of all, I don't work for you, I work with you. Second, I don't work with you anymore, I 'm done. I'm out bitch. Third, I'm off the clock now. If I want to take a dump on a hooker's chest after work, goddamn it, I'm gonna take a dump on a hooker's chest after work!
She explained to me that because she invited me to lunch, she was required to pay.
The other instance happened after my night class. I wanted to go to the internet cafe. Abbott told me "now go home." I told him my intention. He yelled, "no! Go home now!" I flipped out. How you gonna tell a fucking grown man what to do, unless I let you (ma, grandma, end of list [until the next girlfriend]). I yelled, "No, internet! Don't argue with me! We are grown men! Grown men," as I pointed to me and Sherkhan.
Back home, if you told a grown ass man what to do, the next thing you'd get is a punch in the face. But here they are very paternalist. That's cool, but this guy is very rude about it. He only knows a little bit of English and I don't want to hear the shit that he knows. First of all, I don't work for you, I work with you. Second, I don't work with you anymore, I 'm done. I'm out bitch. Third, I'm off the clock now. If I want to take a dump on a hooker's chest after work, goddamn it, I'm gonna take a dump on a hooker's chest after work!
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
What's "Asshole" in Chinese?
Riding on the back of Abbott's moped to school is now becoming a habit. Almost dying on the way is now old news. My class today was at 8am. I'm not exactly sure why I had to wake up at fucking 6am and why Abbott had to bring me to school 45 minutes early, but whatever.
So I was tired. The class I was teaching was very difficult. There were two execptional girls in the class, a few decent English speakers (decent has a much different definition here), and a whole lot of kids who just don't care. Since no one was speaking up, I talked with the two girls, because I knew they wanted to learn.
During the break, the normal teacher wanted me to get more students involved. What he didn't tell me is that most of the students have been taking the English class all year and do not know a single word. I'm not equipt to teach someone who knows no English, because I don't speak Chinese. Plus, I can't teach someone that doesn't want to learn. No one can.
So I had the two smart girls ask the dumb kids questions and help them along the way. One kid (when I say kid, I mean they are between 17-20 years old) knew absolutely nothing. I got frustrated. I asked one of the girls to translate, "I don't care if you learn English, it's up to you." What I really meant to say was, "It doesn't matter to me if you learn English or not, but if you want to, I'll be happy to teach you. If not, don't waste your classmates' time." But I don't care, I was frustrated.
I requested another kid, who was sleeping in class, to ask me one question. I gave him 1 hour and a half and he couldn't do it. Not one! So I made him stand in front of the class until he asked me a question. A little bit into it, he decided he wanted to sit down and not be made a fool of. Maybe he should have thought about that while he was sleeping in my class. The regular teacher and I both yelled at him to get back up there and listen to my directions. The other teacher was less polite about it than I was. These kids have an opportuntity to succeed and some of them just won't take it. And by this age, they should realize how important school is. Like I said before, I can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn.
I don't go shopping, never have, never will. But today was Buyin' Shit Day for me. On our way home from my Buyin Shit Day, we walked through a very peaceful park. We were both enamored by the kites flying high in the air. Then as we walked by, I heard "bla, bla, bla Lo-i, bla, bla" the derrogative term for foreigners, if you remember. So I turned and glared. Some fucking old dude flying a kite in a beater then began to point and scream, "LO-I" at us repeatedly. I wasn't all too happy about that. I started pointing at him and screaming, "Asshole" repeatedly. By now, the whole fucking park was staring at me yelling at an old Chinese man in English. A few yards later a motorcycle rider (many motorcycles are taxis here) honked at us. No big deal, it literally happens all the time. Then he honked again. Then again. Then one long honk. I was again displeased. I started gently yelling at him and screetching "BEEP!" at him.
During the evening I played with the family's 2 1/2 year old daughter, Yo Yo or Ya Ya or some shit. She loves me. It's great fun to play with her. Great fun, who the fuck says that anymore?
Then the five of us (Mrs. Fu and Mr. Huang and their daughter Yo Yo and us) went for a nice walk. Today the pollution was so bad that I could hardly see because my eyes were burning so intensely. My mouth and ears also became scratchy. The pollution has always been present, but today the fabled Chinese air appeared for the first time.
Best of all, I got to see most of Game 3 of the NBA Finals! Luke Walton was on CCTV5 at halftime, because he's here in China. Go figure.
So I was tired. The class I was teaching was very difficult. There were two execptional girls in the class, a few decent English speakers (decent has a much different definition here), and a whole lot of kids who just don't care. Since no one was speaking up, I talked with the two girls, because I knew they wanted to learn.
During the break, the normal teacher wanted me to get more students involved. What he didn't tell me is that most of the students have been taking the English class all year and do not know a single word. I'm not equipt to teach someone who knows no English, because I don't speak Chinese. Plus, I can't teach someone that doesn't want to learn. No one can.
So I had the two smart girls ask the dumb kids questions and help them along the way. One kid (when I say kid, I mean they are between 17-20 years old) knew absolutely nothing. I got frustrated. I asked one of the girls to translate, "I don't care if you learn English, it's up to you." What I really meant to say was, "It doesn't matter to me if you learn English or not, but if you want to, I'll be happy to teach you. If not, don't waste your classmates' time." But I don't care, I was frustrated.
I requested another kid, who was sleeping in class, to ask me one question. I gave him 1 hour and a half and he couldn't do it. Not one! So I made him stand in front of the class until he asked me a question. A little bit into it, he decided he wanted to sit down and not be made a fool of. Maybe he should have thought about that while he was sleeping in my class. The regular teacher and I both yelled at him to get back up there and listen to my directions. The other teacher was less polite about it than I was. These kids have an opportuntity to succeed and some of them just won't take it. And by this age, they should realize how important school is. Like I said before, I can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn.
I don't go shopping, never have, never will. But today was Buyin' Shit Day for me. On our way home from my Buyin Shit Day, we walked through a very peaceful park. We were both enamored by the kites flying high in the air. Then as we walked by, I heard "bla, bla, bla Lo-i, bla, bla" the derrogative term for foreigners, if you remember. So I turned and glared. Some fucking old dude flying a kite in a beater then began to point and scream, "LO-I" at us repeatedly. I wasn't all too happy about that. I started pointing at him and screaming, "Asshole" repeatedly. By now, the whole fucking park was staring at me yelling at an old Chinese man in English. A few yards later a motorcycle rider (many motorcycles are taxis here) honked at us. No big deal, it literally happens all the time. Then he honked again. Then again. Then one long honk. I was again displeased. I started gently yelling at him and screetching "BEEP!" at him.
During the evening I played with the family's 2 1/2 year old daughter, Yo Yo or Ya Ya or some shit. She loves me. It's great fun to play with her. Great fun, who the fuck says that anymore?
Then the five of us (Mrs. Fu and Mr. Huang and their daughter Yo Yo and us) went for a nice walk. Today the pollution was so bad that I could hardly see because my eyes were burning so intensely. My mouth and ears also became scratchy. The pollution has always been present, but today the fabled Chinese air appeared for the first time.
Best of all, I got to see most of Game 3 of the NBA Finals! Luke Walton was on CCTV5 at halftime, because he's here in China. Go figure.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Shanghai Visit
Saturday, we walked more than 20 miles around Shanghai. It was pretty cool. We looked for the former president of China's, Sun Yatsen, house for about three hours. He was really the leader of the destruction of the Qing Dynasty, but was offically only president for a brief time. We also walked around the bund and the French Quarter. I argued with street venders who were offering DVDs, watches, and whatever. I would yell at any vender who yelled at me, or give them the look if they grabbed me, or just argue with them in English that they couldn't understand. We ate McDonald's twice on Saturday. Then, exhausted I watched the last two minutes of the Game 1 of the NBA Finals on replay. Thanks for the analysis Mike.
Sunday, I woke up to loud banging on my door. Some lady was screaming at me in Chinese. Then she got a woman who only spoke a bit on English to try and translate. They asked me where was the girl that sat next to Sherkhan on the bus (lets call her ginsu) and I said that I didn't know. (Are you confused? You should be.) Then my "translator" called the girl who sat next to me on the bus (Cici). Her English is very good. She told me not to worry.
Then that girl came back and so did Sherkhan about two hours after the ordeal began. We walked across the street and called Cici again. Ginsu speaks no English, so Cici translated for me. Evidently, the hostel that we were staying at did not house foreigners. This was odd, because they decided that was the case after we had stayed there for two nights.
So we took a bus down to Shanghai's bund by the river. We walked all the way to the Jade Buddha Temple, eventually dropping no-English Ginsu along the way. Then we were supposed to meet Cici at the giant Dong Fang tower at 6pm. Six came and no Cici to be found. Sherkhan stopped a girl and borrowed her cell phone at around 7pm. About 30 minutes later, that girl and her friend took us on the subway to People's park where Cici was waiting. Then they took a picture of us. That's what happens when you shit like money.
Later that night, Sherkhan and I were walking up Nanjing Road, a very touristy area. Two girls said hello, Sherkhan stopped and started talking to them. Soon, these two girls were leading us to a bar. The girl with me had her hands all over me and then grabbed my hand and we walked holding hands. We sat down and saw the menu. Let's just say 40 yuan for an orange juice is outrageous. It's equivalent to $5, which is unbelievably high for America, but China is much cheaper to start with. So this was beyond belief. Then we left and the girls got mad.
Basically what happened, was these two girls tried to scam some foreigners into buying an extremely expensive meal for them and then having sex with them. Cici's words of "Be careful," were quite prophetic.
Walking away from that situation, we were exhausted and starving. Then every street vender walked up to us and said, "Ladies? DVD? Watch?" Some whispered, "Hashish?"
Now I write to you from Ginsu's friend's apartment. Tomorrow we go back to Lianyungong. Who knows what's in store for us there.
Sunday, I woke up to loud banging on my door. Some lady was screaming at me in Chinese. Then she got a woman who only spoke a bit on English to try and translate. They asked me where was the girl that sat next to Sherkhan on the bus (lets call her ginsu) and I said that I didn't know. (Are you confused? You should be.) Then my "translator" called the girl who sat next to me on the bus (Cici). Her English is very good. She told me not to worry.
Then that girl came back and so did Sherkhan about two hours after the ordeal began. We walked across the street and called Cici again. Ginsu speaks no English, so Cici translated for me. Evidently, the hostel that we were staying at did not house foreigners. This was odd, because they decided that was the case after we had stayed there for two nights.
So we took a bus down to Shanghai's bund by the river. We walked all the way to the Jade Buddha Temple, eventually dropping no-English Ginsu along the way. Then we were supposed to meet Cici at the giant Dong Fang tower at 6pm. Six came and no Cici to be found. Sherkhan stopped a girl and borrowed her cell phone at around 7pm. About 30 minutes later, that girl and her friend took us on the subway to People's park where Cici was waiting. Then they took a picture of us. That's what happens when you shit like money.
Later that night, Sherkhan and I were walking up Nanjing Road, a very touristy area. Two girls said hello, Sherkhan stopped and started talking to them. Soon, these two girls were leading us to a bar. The girl with me had her hands all over me and then grabbed my hand and we walked holding hands. We sat down and saw the menu. Let's just say 40 yuan for an orange juice is outrageous. It's equivalent to $5, which is unbelievably high for America, but China is much cheaper to start with. So this was beyond belief. Then we left and the girls got mad.
Basically what happened, was these two girls tried to scam some foreigners into buying an extremely expensive meal for them and then having sex with them. Cici's words of "Be careful," were quite prophetic.
Walking away from that situation, we were exhausted and starving. Then every street vender walked up to us and said, "Ladies? DVD? Watch?" Some whispered, "Hashish?"
Now I write to you from Ginsu's friend's apartment. Tomorrow we go back to Lianyungong. Who knows what's in store for us there.
Friday's Happenings
First, please let me apologize for my last post. I was in the internet cafe, saving the post along the way when my time ran out. So I've finished the post today. Please feel free to read the finished version of "Roller Coaster."
We woke up on Friday not sure what the day would bring. Sherkhan took his bags off to class with Laverne, who had come to pick him up. I went out to get money from the Bank of China. It felt like a movie as I was very paranoid that one of the General's henchmen may be following me.
I watched two minutes of the NBA Finals before I had to leave to teach the class. I took my luggage. Because Laverne came and got me, I figured that I didn't need to bring the General back to give him the key. I'd just give it to Laverne.
When I got to the school, Laverne's sister, an English teacher at the school, told me that Sherkhan and Laverne had struck a deal. We'd stay in her apartment, with our own rooms, until she could find an apartment for Sherkhan. as I'm leaving in a week. We wouldn't have to deal with those two idiots and we'd be paid for our services. It seemed like a good deal. Another English teacher also assured me that Chinese people are generally nice and to not get the wrong impression from these two fools.
We didn't have to worry about all the James Bond stuff and just took our big bags to Jane's apartment. Then we took a bus to the big bus that would take us to Shanghai. I sat next to a sweetheart of a young woman and Sherkhan sat next to a very different young woman...
Censored
We checked into a hostel, where, let's just say, I was faced with another one of China's cruel adventures. All I can say is that I found myself wandering through the ghetto of Shanghai for a couple hours after an 8 hour bus ride. It was not my happiest moment. Perhaps I can email the story more clearly if anyone's curious, but that's all I'm willing to publish.
We woke up on Friday not sure what the day would bring. Sherkhan took his bags off to class with Laverne, who had come to pick him up. I went out to get money from the Bank of China. It felt like a movie as I was very paranoid that one of the General's henchmen may be following me.
I watched two minutes of the NBA Finals before I had to leave to teach the class. I took my luggage. Because Laverne came and got me, I figured that I didn't need to bring the General back to give him the key. I'd just give it to Laverne.
When I got to the school, Laverne's sister, an English teacher at the school, told me that Sherkhan and Laverne had struck a deal. We'd stay in her apartment, with our own rooms, until she could find an apartment for Sherkhan. as I'm leaving in a week. We wouldn't have to deal with those two idiots and we'd be paid for our services. It seemed like a good deal. Another English teacher also assured me that Chinese people are generally nice and to not get the wrong impression from these two fools.
We didn't have to worry about all the James Bond stuff and just took our big bags to Jane's apartment. Then we took a bus to the big bus that would take us to Shanghai. I sat next to a sweetheart of a young woman and Sherkhan sat next to a very different young woman...
Censored
We checked into a hostel, where, let's just say, I was faced with another one of China's cruel adventures. All I can say is that I found myself wandering through the ghetto of Shanghai for a couple hours after an 8 hour bus ride. It was not my happiest moment. Perhaps I can email the story more clearly if anyone's curious, but that's all I'm willing to publish.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Signs of Communism?
During this trip to China, I have learned less about what communism is in practice, and more about foreigners' perception of what constitutes communism.
China is supposed to be a communist country. But capitalism thrives here. There are markets on every other street in every city that I've been to. Designer stores and designer knock-offs are plentiful. There is Quordan 23, with the basketball outside of his left hip, instead of Jordan brand products. But there have been no communals. As one foreigner said, there is often not even a sense of community. I would agree, outside of the nightly dances and festivals where a park may be filled with dancing and singing residents. Basically, there are simply a lot of kind individuals, but no real sense of community.
If communism requires some sense of community, then paradoxically, communism is most prevalent in the countryside. From Xuzhou to Liangyungong, we took an extremely slow-moving commuter train, filled with peasants dressed in their weekend best. They all had their goods ready to be sold in one city or another. It was only on this train that I felt any sense of community. You could allow your two year old child to be picked up and fed by a stranger, or even more bizarre, play with a foreigner.
If communism is industry over agriculture, I have not seen a communist country. Any train ride shows a plethora of agriculture. Factories are present, but out of view. In fact, China has followed other countries, with an increasing number of jobs in the service sector.
Capitalism is everywhere. Venders sell there goods on every street corner. Most of the time, they are selling little knick-knacks, not anything particularly useful. This is the black market of capitalism. It is in plain view of everyone. The police ride by without a second thought. This is life.
If communism equals inefficiency, then I have seen mixed results. Private companies may be required to hire a certain amount of officials in order to eradicate unemployment. This creates a scene where you have a worker for each aisle at the grocery store or five employees crowded around each other over one small section of a department store, gapping away without concern of interuption by customers. However, the trains are extremely efficent. The leave right on time and even arrive at your destination exactly on the dot.
The bottom line is just that. Most people are here to sell their goods and make a profit. The numerous taxi drivers that honk incessantly and drive like madpeople just for your business are doing so for your yuan, not to provide a necessary service to society. So, is China just nominally a communist country or is it so in practice? It depends on your definition of communism. But the legacy of Deng Xaioping's reforms is easier to find than that of Mao's.
China is supposed to be a communist country. But capitalism thrives here. There are markets on every other street in every city that I've been to. Designer stores and designer knock-offs are plentiful. There is Quordan 23, with the basketball outside of his left hip, instead of Jordan brand products. But there have been no communals. As one foreigner said, there is often not even a sense of community. I would agree, outside of the nightly dances and festivals where a park may be filled with dancing and singing residents. Basically, there are simply a lot of kind individuals, but no real sense of community.
If communism requires some sense of community, then paradoxically, communism is most prevalent in the countryside. From Xuzhou to Liangyungong, we took an extremely slow-moving commuter train, filled with peasants dressed in their weekend best. They all had their goods ready to be sold in one city or another. It was only on this train that I felt any sense of community. You could allow your two year old child to be picked up and fed by a stranger, or even more bizarre, play with a foreigner.
If communism is industry over agriculture, I have not seen a communist country. Any train ride shows a plethora of agriculture. Factories are present, but out of view. In fact, China has followed other countries, with an increasing number of jobs in the service sector.
Capitalism is everywhere. Venders sell there goods on every street corner. Most of the time, they are selling little knick-knacks, not anything particularly useful. This is the black market of capitalism. It is in plain view of everyone. The police ride by without a second thought. This is life.
If communism equals inefficiency, then I have seen mixed results. Private companies may be required to hire a certain amount of officials in order to eradicate unemployment. This creates a scene where you have a worker for each aisle at the grocery store or five employees crowded around each other over one small section of a department store, gapping away without concern of interuption by customers. However, the trains are extremely efficent. The leave right on time and even arrive at your destination exactly on the dot.
The bottom line is just that. Most people are here to sell their goods and make a profit. The numerous taxi drivers that honk incessantly and drive like madpeople just for your business are doing so for your yuan, not to provide a necessary service to society. So, is China just nominally a communist country or is it so in practice? It depends on your definition of communism. But the legacy of Deng Xaioping's reforms is easier to find than that of Mao's.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The People are Nice
I must say that we have met many kind-hearted people here. Most people are willing and happy to help the retarded foreigners. The staff at the McDonald's are very nice and patient. We point to what we want on a menu. It becomes more challenging when we want to make a special order, like Sprite, no ice. I might get no ice, but a Coke instead. Or I might get a Sprite with ice. On rare occasions I get a dead hooker instead. That's not even close to Sprite, no ice!
Today Sherkhan did laundry. We don't have machines though, so he washed his clothes and then hung them on hangers in our indoor patio/kitchen. He hung a couple of shirts on the outdoor clothes line as well. I hung the shirt that I use as a towel out there too. When we looked out there again, my shirt had fallen down one level and Sherkhan's was nowhere to be found. He started conversing with an elderly lady about the subject. Of course she spoke absolutely no English and we very little Chinese. She understood what he was saying though and the next sound we heard were her heavy feet pounding up the four flights of stairs.
She came into our apartment with a long stick with a metal hook on the end. She tried to grab my shirt, but it was just out of her reach. It was funny because the whole time she's constantly talking to us in Chinese and we're responding in English, nodding like we know what the fuck she's saying. She's reponding like she knows exactly what we're talking about. Meanwhile none of us have a fucking clue. Then we asked her to talk to the people down one flight, but they weren't home. So we asked the people one floor below. The guy takes the stick and next thing I know I got my shirt/towel back!
Then she invited us to her place on the ground floor. We looked in the backyard for Sherkhan's shirt to no avail. The whole time talking to each other in the two different languages.
Next I performed the duties of a wingman. The double date went well, but of course mine didn't speak English too well, but whatever. Whenever we had a chance, Sherkhan would whisper to me some cockeyed plan about saying goodbye to the young women. He wanted to give them both hugs. He asked me to initiate it. But when it came time to say goodbye, Sherkhan lept into action too early. My date went to retrieve her bike, when Sherkhan tried to hug his date. It ended up turning into a thug-like hug. A handshake with one hand and the other arm over the shoulder. Then he went to give the other woman a hung, but she accidently rammed her bike into his crotch. Of course, considering that I'm a normal person, I hugged them both normally.
One last thing. Sherkhan has stolen some phrases from me and not given me credit. The line "it's like we're celebrities without the positive connotation," I said that. That's what that star by that phrase on Mr. Khan's blog (beijingbetty.blogspot.com) means. Another that he thought of using was "Phlem Fatale" to explain the constant spitting that ranks behind basketball and ping-pong and in front of drinking straight vodka as Chinese pastimes. The phrase "shit like money" originated when Sherkhan misunderstood something I said. It should be used yo refer to someone who is arrogant.
The way a Chinese supermarket closes:
The workers run around like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming at people to leave. One yelled "go home! Go home!" at me. Do I really have to go home? Can't I simply leave the grocery store and go somewhere else? It was bizarre.
Today Sherkhan did laundry. We don't have machines though, so he washed his clothes and then hung them on hangers in our indoor patio/kitchen. He hung a couple of shirts on the outdoor clothes line as well. I hung the shirt that I use as a towel out there too. When we looked out there again, my shirt had fallen down one level and Sherkhan's was nowhere to be found. He started conversing with an elderly lady about the subject. Of course she spoke absolutely no English and we very little Chinese. She understood what he was saying though and the next sound we heard were her heavy feet pounding up the four flights of stairs.
She came into our apartment with a long stick with a metal hook on the end. She tried to grab my shirt, but it was just out of her reach. It was funny because the whole time she's constantly talking to us in Chinese and we're responding in English, nodding like we know what the fuck she's saying. She's reponding like she knows exactly what we're talking about. Meanwhile none of us have a fucking clue. Then we asked her to talk to the people down one flight, but they weren't home. So we asked the people one floor below. The guy takes the stick and next thing I know I got my shirt/towel back!
Then she invited us to her place on the ground floor. We looked in the backyard for Sherkhan's shirt to no avail. The whole time talking to each other in the two different languages.
Next I performed the duties of a wingman. The double date went well, but of course mine didn't speak English too well, but whatever. Whenever we had a chance, Sherkhan would whisper to me some cockeyed plan about saying goodbye to the young women. He wanted to give them both hugs. He asked me to initiate it. But when it came time to say goodbye, Sherkhan lept into action too early. My date went to retrieve her bike, when Sherkhan tried to hug his date. It ended up turning into a thug-like hug. A handshake with one hand and the other arm over the shoulder. Then he went to give the other woman a hung, but she accidently rammed her bike into his crotch. Of course, considering that I'm a normal person, I hugged them both normally.
One last thing. Sherkhan has stolen some phrases from me and not given me credit. The line "it's like we're celebrities without the positive connotation," I said that. That's what that star by that phrase on Mr. Khan's blog (beijingbetty.blogspot.com) means. Another that he thought of using was "Phlem Fatale" to explain the constant spitting that ranks behind basketball and ping-pong and in front of drinking straight vodka as Chinese pastimes. The phrase "shit like money" originated when Sherkhan misunderstood something I said. It should be used yo refer to someone who is arrogant.
The way a Chinese supermarket closes:
The workers run around like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming at people to leave. One yelled "go home! Go home!" at me. Do I really have to go home? Can't I simply leave the grocery store and go somewhere else? It was bizarre.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Answers I Wanted to Give
During my two days as a celebrity in the back woods (the cities only have a couple of million people in them) of China, I answered many questions from Chinese students and teachers. These are the answers that I gave and those that I wanted to give.
Do you like Chinese culture?
A: (Actual) Yes, I like the food and the people although some things have been hard to adjust to.
W: (Wished I had answered) Maybe if you all stopped hocking and spitting, if their wasn't garbage everywere, if you wiped your asses, and if you stopped eating chicken face, I wouldn't be too grossed out to think. Then maybe I could appreciate its beauty.
What are your hobbies?
A: Basketball, running, and watching tv.
W: Wiping my ass. You should try it.
Do you like American Country Music?
A: No. I like Hip Hop.
W: Fuck no.
Do you have a girlfriend?
A: No (blush).
W: Take off your shirt.
Do you like Chinese food?
A: Yes.
W: Eh.
Sing us an English song.
A: No, no, no. I am a bad singer. You don't want that.
W: Take off your shirt.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Beijing, Shijahuan, Xuzhou, Liangyungong, Xuyou.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Holy fuck you stupid dumbass! I just fucking answered that question! What the fuck is wrong with you retard! (Then I walk over to the little girl and punch her right in her fucking face, hock and spit)!
Do you know Chairman Mao? Tell us something about him.
A: Yes. Blah, blah blah, Long March... great general... blah bla blah.
W: 30 million people starved to death in like 2 years under his watch. Stop worshipping him you mindless boobs!
Taiwan?
A: Next question.
W: Taiwan should be independent.
You are lovely and handsome.
A: Thank you.
W: Meet me after class (wink, wink).
Do you know Yao Ming?
A: Yes, he is very tall.
W1: Of course I know of Yao Ming, what have I been in a cave for the last three years?
W2: Yes, all Americans are close personal friends with Yao Ming, jerkoff.
You are very humorous.
A: Thank you.
W: You talk like you're from the 1920s. Nobody talks like that numbnuts.
I'm glad to get that off my chest. I taught one lesson on a "great man and woman" in American history. I chose Martin Luther King and Harriet Tubman.
I was asked who my favorite actor was. They had never heard of Denzel Washington.
They've all heard of the NBA, but not too many know of the New York Knicks. I've been promoting them heavily. Pay me.
In one class, I was asked which school I went to for college and which I go to for grad school. I wrote Goucher College and George Mason University on the black board. Pay me or at least do something for me. After all, I shit like money.
The last thing. The Chinese school official that talks like James Earl Jones was talking to Sherkhan about the fact that their skin color is similar. James Earl Jones told Sherkhan that he should travel to Africa. Sherkhan asked why. James (ironically) said that it was because Sherkhan could then be proud that his skin was lighter than the Africans. It took me a second to understand what he was saying. I whispered to Sherkhan, "did he just say..." Sherkhan answered that he had said what I though I heard, but told me not to argue, because he wouldn't understand. Sherkhan should go to Africa because his skin would be lighter than the Africans. What the fuck?
Sherkhan also told me that one student told him "I thought that Americans were tall, white, and handsome." He wasn't so offended, except for the handsome part. He complained to me, "What, I'm not handsome?"
You are Sherkhan, you are.
Do you like Chinese culture?
A: (Actual) Yes, I like the food and the people although some things have been hard to adjust to.
W: (Wished I had answered) Maybe if you all stopped hocking and spitting, if their wasn't garbage everywere, if you wiped your asses, and if you stopped eating chicken face, I wouldn't be too grossed out to think. Then maybe I could appreciate its beauty.
What are your hobbies?
A: Basketball, running, and watching tv.
W: Wiping my ass. You should try it.
Do you like American Country Music?
A: No. I like Hip Hop.
W: Fuck no.
Do you have a girlfriend?
A: No (blush).
W: Take off your shirt.
Do you like Chinese food?
A: Yes.
W: Eh.
Sing us an English song.
A: No, no, no. I am a bad singer. You don't want that.
W: Take off your shirt.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Beijing, Shijahuan, Xuzhou, Liangyungong, Xuyou.
Where in China have you visited?
A: Beijing, Xuzhou, here.
W: Holy fuck you stupid dumbass! I just fucking answered that question! What the fuck is wrong with you retard! (Then I walk over to the little girl and punch her right in her fucking face, hock and spit)!
Do you know Chairman Mao? Tell us something about him.
A: Yes. Blah, blah blah, Long March... great general... blah bla blah.
W: 30 million people starved to death in like 2 years under his watch. Stop worshipping him you mindless boobs!
Taiwan?
A: Next question.
W: Taiwan should be independent.
You are lovely and handsome.
A: Thank you.
W: Meet me after class (wink, wink).
Do you know Yao Ming?
A: Yes, he is very tall.
W1: Of course I know of Yao Ming, what have I been in a cave for the last three years?
W2: Yes, all Americans are close personal friends with Yao Ming, jerkoff.
You are very humorous.
A: Thank you.
W: You talk like you're from the 1920s. Nobody talks like that numbnuts.
I'm glad to get that off my chest. I taught one lesson on a "great man and woman" in American history. I chose Martin Luther King and Harriet Tubman.
I was asked who my favorite actor was. They had never heard of Denzel Washington.
They've all heard of the NBA, but not too many know of the New York Knicks. I've been promoting them heavily. Pay me.
In one class, I was asked which school I went to for college and which I go to for grad school. I wrote Goucher College and George Mason University on the black board. Pay me or at least do something for me. After all, I shit like money.
The last thing. The Chinese school official that talks like James Earl Jones was talking to Sherkhan about the fact that their skin color is similar. James Earl Jones told Sherkhan that he should travel to Africa. Sherkhan asked why. James (ironically) said that it was because Sherkhan could then be proud that his skin was lighter than the Africans. It took me a second to understand what he was saying. I whispered to Sherkhan, "did he just say..." Sherkhan answered that he had said what I though I heard, but told me not to argue, because he wouldn't understand. Sherkhan should go to Africa because his skin would be lighter than the Africans. What the fuck?
Sherkhan also told me that one student told him "I thought that Americans were tall, white, and handsome." He wasn't so offended, except for the handsome part. He complained to me, "What, I'm not handsome?"
You are Sherkhan, you are.
Celebrities For A Day Or Two
We woke up Saturday morning to General Dipshit's orders. Then we had a fansy Chinese breakfast (see a pattern?). We pulled up to this school and we saw a banner, professioally made that read "Welcome to Our School Mr. David and Mr. Sherkhan." I was like holy shit!
There was another tv camera, only one though. They told us that we'd be on the local news because of our visit to the last school yesterday. In fact, the interpreter said that our visit "put his school on the map." So one camera is no big deal for us (ha!). We were greeted by two students who gave us flowers. The flowers would become a burden.
Next, we were separated again. I was taken to a meeting room where I answered questions about the differences between Chinese and American students. Even the teachers doubled up on some questions. I was asked what students do during their free time maybe 8 or 9 times.
From there we went down to the school's little park to "have a rest." It started out innocent enough. Some students asked me some questions after taking some photos. They were very curious as I am the first foreigner that they've ever met. I answered their questions, many were repeated, in good spirits. Then it happened.
One kid asked me to sign my name on his paper. So I wrote out "David" just as I had on Friday. Then another kid asked. Then another. By this time, there was a steady stream of autograph seekers handing me their notebook, a scrap of paper, their arm, or their shirts. At this point I was still able to answer the steady fire of simple questions spouted my direction.
Then more and more paper was flung at me. It got to the point where I couldn't even finish writing my name on any single piece of paper. I was getting pushed, shoved, and smacked in the head with notebooks from desparate autograph seekers. Did I mention that I live with my mom and sleep with my "Mommy Pillow" that I've had since I was 2, like Linus has his blanket, ladies?
I couldn't even look up or write anymore because of the density of the papers in front of my face. By now, my flowers had been trampled on. I would not see them again. I decided to get up and move away from the mob of admirers. What a great day in Jewish history, a day when a short, nothing Jewish man must flee from an adoring mob of Chinese teenagers! During my bolt toward freedom I was grabbed by several students who jumped on me. I dragged them a bit until I ran into a one-tile-tall fence that circled off a dirt patch that will later house flowers or something. My foot got caught and I fell to the ground on the dirt patch. A school official grabbed me and escorted me through the mob. I signed autographs along the way.
Then I sat in the gazebo and signed some more until I was mobbed again. The school offical then took my pen. I answered questions for some more time.
Next, I did another run around several classes answering questions. One class didn't believe that I could hoop, because I'm short, so I challenged them. They gave me a ball and I shot some of the most nerve-wracking shots of my life in front of hundreds of students. Luckily, I made a good number of them to roaring applause. Then they got a fat kid to challenge me and I mopped the floor with him. But I was a little tired, and when an awkward athletic dude stepped up to challenge me, I knew I was done. He salvaged some of the fat kids' failure.
That was pretty much the end of our two days of celebrity. We really felt like we shit like money. On the ride back, I was able to fall asleep for a bit. I was awoken by Sherkhan, who was leaning over me, reapeating "Oh my God!" Drousy, I peaked outside the window of the "Magoo-mobile." There was an old dude who had fallen off of his moped. There was blood spewing from his head. He had died.
Later, we walked around until we found a McDonald's. Outside of the McDonald's we ran into another crowd surrounding the 2 foot tall guy. We gave him 2 yuan for a picture with him, but he got upset. Apparently he wanted more. When he saw the camera, he tried to turn away, but Sherkhan took the picture in time. Then I found myself arguing with a this Chinese midget and the crowd around him. Of course I was speaking in English and they were speaking in Chinese. Of the entire two days, I think the argument with the Chinese midget over what amounts to $1 was the most bizarre.
Thankfully, General Dipshit will be away for 5 days.
There was another tv camera, only one though. They told us that we'd be on the local news because of our visit to the last school yesterday. In fact, the interpreter said that our visit "put his school on the map." So one camera is no big deal for us (ha!). We were greeted by two students who gave us flowers. The flowers would become a burden.
Next, we were separated again. I was taken to a meeting room where I answered questions about the differences between Chinese and American students. Even the teachers doubled up on some questions. I was asked what students do during their free time maybe 8 or 9 times.
From there we went down to the school's little park to "have a rest." It started out innocent enough. Some students asked me some questions after taking some photos. They were very curious as I am the first foreigner that they've ever met. I answered their questions, many were repeated, in good spirits. Then it happened.
One kid asked me to sign my name on his paper. So I wrote out "David" just as I had on Friday. Then another kid asked. Then another. By this time, there was a steady stream of autograph seekers handing me their notebook, a scrap of paper, their arm, or their shirts. At this point I was still able to answer the steady fire of simple questions spouted my direction.
Then more and more paper was flung at me. It got to the point where I couldn't even finish writing my name on any single piece of paper. I was getting pushed, shoved, and smacked in the head with notebooks from desparate autograph seekers. Did I mention that I live with my mom and sleep with my "Mommy Pillow" that I've had since I was 2, like Linus has his blanket, ladies?
I couldn't even look up or write anymore because of the density of the papers in front of my face. By now, my flowers had been trampled on. I would not see them again. I decided to get up and move away from the mob of admirers. What a great day in Jewish history, a day when a short, nothing Jewish man must flee from an adoring mob of Chinese teenagers! During my bolt toward freedom I was grabbed by several students who jumped on me. I dragged them a bit until I ran into a one-tile-tall fence that circled off a dirt patch that will later house flowers or something. My foot got caught and I fell to the ground on the dirt patch. A school official grabbed me and escorted me through the mob. I signed autographs along the way.
Then I sat in the gazebo and signed some more until I was mobbed again. The school offical then took my pen. I answered questions for some more time.
Next, I did another run around several classes answering questions. One class didn't believe that I could hoop, because I'm short, so I challenged them. They gave me a ball and I shot some of the most nerve-wracking shots of my life in front of hundreds of students. Luckily, I made a good number of them to roaring applause. Then they got a fat kid to challenge me and I mopped the floor with him. But I was a little tired, and when an awkward athletic dude stepped up to challenge me, I knew I was done. He salvaged some of the fat kids' failure.
That was pretty much the end of our two days of celebrity. We really felt like we shit like money. On the ride back, I was able to fall asleep for a bit. I was awoken by Sherkhan, who was leaning over me, reapeating "Oh my God!" Drousy, I peaked outside the window of the "Magoo-mobile." There was an old dude who had fallen off of his moped. There was blood spewing from his head. He had died.
Later, we walked around until we found a McDonald's. Outside of the McDonald's we ran into another crowd surrounding the 2 foot tall guy. We gave him 2 yuan for a picture with him, but he got upset. Apparently he wanted more. When he saw the camera, he tried to turn away, but Sherkhan took the picture in time. Then I found myself arguing with a this Chinese midget and the crowd around him. Of course I was speaking in English and they were speaking in Chinese. Of the entire two days, I think the argument with the Chinese midget over what amounts to $1 was the most bizarre.
Thankfully, General Dipshit will be away for 5 days.
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