There have been many ugly incidents recently, my fellow citizens, and I believe it is in our nation's best interest to put them behind us. It appears the honeymoon is over.
When I first took over this great land, there was much excitement. You all had an elegance about you. You were vibrant. You were beautiful. I saw myself being the head of our metaphorical household for the rest of our lives.
Nearly two years into our marriage, things have changed. You are not the people I thought you were. You look haggard. Your clothes are in tatters. The sparkle in your eyes is gone.
Many mistakes have been made during my tenure at the helm of this great country. And I forgive you for them. You are an imperfect people. As Jessie Jackson once preached, "Leaders must be strong enough to overlook the faults of their followers and keep on moving."
And so I will. For now that I have learned your true nature, I will be better able to lead you.
Today's decrees
We must return to the intellectual heights that we once knew. One way is to punish ignorance. Anyone who spells Gandhi like Ghandi or pronounces it to rhyme with candy will be beaten with an Algebra textbook.
To create a healthier society and avoid transmitting germs, the only kind of low-fiving allowed is San Antonio Spurs guard Gary Neal's imaginary version.
To get the economy rolling again, every tenth $5 bill is now worth $50.
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