Clash of Civilizations

In the early 1500s, Domingo Paes, from Portugal, visited the great capital of Vijayanagara, the center of the most powerful South Indian empire by the same name. He met with the ruler Krishnadevaraya. We join their meeting after they have exchanged formal pleasantries.

Paes: We have defeated the vicious Muslim and his cheap whiny brethren, the Jew, and exiled them from our lands. I trust you appreciate this glorious gesture as you face the same Saracen enemy.

Krishnadevaraya: Yes, we have battled the Bahamani Sultanate, which consists of Muslim rulership, for over a century, and we disagree with their beliefs, but our beef is with the Bahamanis, not all Muslims. Plus, we also are home to Jains, Christians, and Jews. We don't see a problem with this. Each group enriches our community in a different way.

Paes: That's gay.

Krishnadevaraya: I'm not exactly sure what my sexual orientation has to do with our attitude towards people of different religions?

Paes: No, I didn't mean gay like that. I meant it like, that's stupid.

Krishnadevaraya: I'm sorry, I'm not following. I'm not familiar with that interpretation. You seem to be generalizing. I've met smart gay people. In fact, my half-brother, the man I succeeded, Vira Narasimha, is gay and contains an above average intelligence.

Paes: What? No, never mind. You don't get it. [Paes becomes startled] What the.. you have shit on your face.

Krishnadevaraya: Are you referring to my skin color? That is really an ignorant comment. You don't see me asking if you covered your skin in semen, but I've been wondering about it.

Paes: Oh, so now I'm a racist, aren't I? I'm coming from Portugal, we don't have you people where I'm from.

Krishnadevaraya: You people? And maybe that's because you "expelled" them from your country [Krishnadevaraya does the quotes-thingy with his fingers].

Paes: It was necessary. They were taking our jobs and gaining control of our country.

Krishnadevaraya: I don't understand this notion of one race owning employment. It doesn't make sense to me. And isn't everyone entitled to representation?

Paes: Dude, it's the 1500s, hardly anyone is entitled to representation. Even you have a monarchy.

Krishnadevaraya: Ok, ok, you got me there.

Paes [head turns]: Yowsers! Did you see the knockers on that one?

Krishnadevaraya: Considering my many concubines, this may seem a tad hypocritical, but I don't believe you should be referring to women in that manner.

Paes: So if I don't like your women, I'm racist. If I do, I'm racist and sexist. I can't win.

Krishnadevaraya: Besides the scores of women in my quarter, I don't own any women. This woman only appeals to you as a sexual conquest. You clearly see her as subordinate.

Paes: Dude, you're out to get me. I can't win. I didn’t do anything to you.

Krishnadevaraya: We live in a society where you have power that you don't recognize. Power that I can never possess. You have privileges that you may not even know you contain. You probably don't even realize half of what you have. Wait a sec... I'm a king! Never mind.

Paes: Fuck you!