ELL, Season 7, Finals Game 2

Will Than Shwe take another evil title or will Hamid Karzai keep the series going? Let's find out, shall we? The Evil Leaders League site is here.

Karzai vs Shwe
Hamid Karzai's desire for negotiations with the Taliban is like your friend who is hell-bent on calling his ex-girlfriend one more time because "Maybe this time she'll see that we were meant to be together." His buddies in the Afghan parliament can't convince him to forget about the Taliban and put the other pieces of his life back together. Plus, the Taliban will never respond with Karzai seeming so desperate. Maybe Karzai should get away and take some time just for himself.

Shwe's the Burmese ruler of Myanmar.
He's been in power for twenty years.
When Buddhist monks protested in 2007,
Each one was kicked in their rears.

Shwe let people die and lose their home after the 2008 cyclone
Until he's killed, his power will continue to build.
Coming are stolen elections and nuclear weapons.
Kyi is still under arrest and the opposition suppressed,
So, is Than Shwe the champion of the evilest?

Dedicated to Saw Wei.
winner: check out the ELL site
series: you know you want to

Solutions

America has a problem with obesity. We have too many people who are too fat. America also has a problem with an oil leak. The oil is gushing and we have no way to stop it. We should dump all of the fat people to plug the leak. That would be killing two birds with one stone!

Speaking of birds, some crazy lady just stopped her car in the middle of the road and then ran into traffic to save the lives of some birds. Now, that is heroic. Let's put her in charge of the EPA.

Illusions

While I was driving, I peered out of the window, "Wow! That woman is HOT!!"

A few moments later, "Wait, that's a trash can."

Jackie Mason on Traffic

Here now is a piece from guest commentator Jackie Mason.

Why do the gentiles drive so slow in the left lane? It's like they got no place to go. Anti-Semite bastards. What are they, schlepping an elephant in their cars? The Jews are a busy people. We need to get going, but the gentiles won't let us go. We had this problem in Egypt. That's what it was about. But finally Pharaoh let us go. The gentiles should do the same.

Race Relations

A while back I had a girlfriend who was black. We used to have very open discussions about race. Sometimes, we would be so honest that it would bring us to tears. That kind of communication was occasionally uncomfortable, but ultimately made us very close. She was very special. Sometimes, when I would walk out the door, on my way to my car, she would open the door and say "I love you" and sometimes she would just scream out:
























RACIST!


and quickly shut the door again.

Bus Driver Pedophilia

A local bus driver was accused of taping himself and a seven-year old performing sex acts together. That is just awful, disgusting, and wrong. He was caught after leaving his camera's memory card on a 7-11 counter. Another customer picked it up, went home, and discovered the crime.

I don't know what to be more upset about, the pedophilia or the realization that the bus driver is more technologically savvy than I am. I had no idea cameras had memory cards and, if you told me they did, I would have zero chance of locating it.

Present and Past in Madagascar

To understand the recent political crisis in Madagascar, it is important to look back through its history. In March of 2009, President Marc Ravalomanana resigned after months of protest of his rule. Ravalomanana had been democratically elected in 2002 and reelected in 2006. The mayor of the capital, Antananarivo, was Andry Rajoelina, a 3o-something former entertainer, who instigated the protests. Rajoelina was granted power after Ravalomanana's resignation.

Madagascar gained independence in 1960. But it remained a neo-colony of France under President Philibert Tsiranana. France made the major decisions and even a number of French officials remained in positions of power. Perhaps this contributes to the questionable belief among some Malagasy that Rajoelina is a puppet of the French, who are hoping to reassert its authority.

A combination of student protests and Tsiranana's declining health uprooted his administration. General Gabriel Ramanantsoa then assumed authority. Ramanantsoa's rule signaled Madagascar's real independence. His cabinet contained three future presidents. He resigned in 1975 as he never held an true political ambition. In his place was Richard Ratsimandrava, who was quickly assassinated.

Ratsimandrava's rival, Didier Ratsiraka, soon became president. Ratsiraka was rumored to have partaken in the conspiracy to kill Ratsimandrava. Rumors of conspiracy have remained a participant in Malagasy politics. Ratsiraka ruled for the next eighteen years. He sat on a declining economy during that period.

The 1990s saw agitation and violence which eventually led to contentious multi-party democratic elections. Albert Zafy became president in 1993, but was ineffective in changing the course of the fledgling economy. As a result, Ratiraka won the next election in 1997.

It was Ravalomanana who won the next election, which was also contentious and violent. Ravalomanana, a successful businessman, managed to decrease poverty and encourage foreign investment. But his business cronies also gained much of the land. In late 2009, Rajoelina tapped into the belief that not enough had been done to improve the condition of the poor.

Rajoelina has set out a timetable for elections to restore democracy to conclude this fall. But he has backed out on proposed elections during his year in power already. He currently controls precious little of the island nation. It should be noted that no one ever controlled the entire island until the French consolidated their power during the early part of the twentieth century. As for now, smugglers reign as the state has little authority to stop them. (The HQT- IE)

ELL, Season 7, Finals Game 1

The Evil Leaders League Finals is so great because it features the best aspects of life: competition, evil guys, and dick jokes. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with each contest coming only a week after the previous one. Than Shwe, the Burmese python of Myanmar, is hoping to win his second ELL championship. He hopes to win his titles back-to-back, which coincidentally is the position Buddhist monks in his country are put in before they're shot. Hamid Karzai, the hat of Afghanistan is hoping to pull a Magic Johnson and win a title in his first year in the league.

Shwe vs. Karzai
Shwe, whose face looks like it's trying to eat itself, has been having a great year. He's in the process of consolidating his power and working to create legitimacy for his regime by holding elections and civilianizing his government. His political opponents have been jailed and he's still on his secret quest to obtain nuclear weapons. He even managed to marry away his ugly daughter. In a period of four months, Than Shwe has managed to conclusively contradict the concept of karma. Next he's going after the notion of humanity.

Karzai and U.S. President Barack Obama attempted to make up last week after a long spat. Obama gave Karzai a vote of confidence; Karzai said he won't join the Taliban after all. And yet, nothing really changed, the abusive relationship continues. It's very much like Bobby and Whitney. Karzai is going to continue to be corrupt and there's really nothing Obama can do about it. If only they realized this destructive cycle and decided to see other people!

To view the winner, you'll have to go to the only Evil Leaders League site in the English language. Why? Because I'm a dick, who gets off on people visiting the ELL site, that's why.

Judge and Jester

I went to court to challenge a speeding ticket. The judge called my name, or some distant facsimile. I was dressed in a button-down shirt and slacks. I couldn't find my dress shoes, so I had to where my sneakers.

As I walked to the stand, the judge exclaimed, "Ah, the man with the white shoes!" The entire courtroom bellowed in laughter. I gave a sheepish grin. In reading my charge (78 in a 55), the judge stopped and asked me what kind of car I drove.

"A Honda Accord, your honor."
"I didn't realize they could go that fast," he quipped.
"Me neither!" I retorted. The judge realized he had walked right into that one.

But besides making fun of my shoes and my car, the judge also substantially raised my fine, which pissed me off. At least the conviction was lowered to going 64 in a 55, although that doesn't make sense. If you kill 18 people do they lower the conviction to 14 but give you more time in prison?

Mackey Sasser Disease With Women

I have Mackey Sasser Disease with women. I have a mental block when it comes to throwing the ball back to the pitcher. I can throw a rope down to second and I can make any other throw imaginable. But if you can't even throw it back to the pitcher, you don't have a lot of opportunities to throw the ball elsewhere.