Circumcisions For All (men)

Numerous Moroccan boys had their tips snipped in solidarity with the young Moroccan prince, who was recently relieved of his foreskin, according to a Daily Show report. If only this practice swept through the rest of the world, we would have peace.

The circumcised penis represents love, empathy, and compassion, whereas the uncircumcised shaft (or evil penis) signifies wrong-doing and general negativity and other badness.

For example, such terrible men have been uncircumcised as Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, George Bush (both of them), Bill O'Reilly, Kenneth Lay, Dan Marino, Alonzo Mourning, Mr. Ed, and the fucking security guard who bothers me every Wednesday when I go to pick up Sherkhan for Ravi Kabob*. Give me a fucking second, you see my friend walking towards the car! Plus, who's coming to fucking George Mason (Arlington campus) at 11pm anyway? Fuck you buddy, fuck you!


key:
* - They might all be circumcised for all I know. What I do know, is that if they were, that certainly wouldn't help my case in the least.

Nets Choke... Eventually

Down two in overtime, the clock had run out, the ball released from Vince Carter's hand, the Nets' playoff chances were floating in the air. The ball bounced off of the rim and the game seemed over. But inexplicably the ball came down and touched the rim again, then again, then again. The Nets' players and fans heads turned skyward, their basketball dreams hung in the balance. The ball dropped in. Dwyane Wade grabbed it in disappointment and threw it against the basket seemingly representing Miami's chances of coming back to win in the second overtime.

However, Vince Carter repeatedly forced jumpers when driving to the basket would have served him better. Shaq was hobbled and saddled with five fouls. One defensive mistake on his part would have shifted the contest towards the Nets. But Carter showed why he scores a lot of points and doesn't win a lot of games. Kidd couldn't wrestle control of his team from Carter, despite his triple-double. Carter nearly completed the first double triple-double by teammates in playoff history, finishing one rebound short. Carter needs to learn that stats mean nothing without wins, a fact that his cousin Tracy McGrady has apparently learned. Miami won in the end, in spite of a lackluster performance, catapulting them one game closer to the second round.

It's OK to be Gay

It seems pretty ridiculous for me to have to use a title as the one above, but in this period of bigotry, it is appropriate. Gay marriage has been a hot button issue in the United States over the past few years. Some feel that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. This position intrigues me, because of the reality of marriage in America.

Around half of all marriages end in divorce. Some end in one spouse hacking the other to bits, or hiring someone to do the hacking. And they still think two men can't marry each other? How can marriage be considered a sacred institution if divorce (or hacking) is possible? Then you would be ending a sacred occurrence. You have to be quite the egomaniac to believe that you have the power to end a something sacred and let me tell you, God will be pissed when He finds out!

It is the conservative movement that is the strongest opponent to gay marriage becoming legal. There are some liberals who also feel this way though. Those liberals are not upholding liberal philosophy. Conservative ideology believes that the government has no place in individuals' private lives. Government should not be allowed to tell you who and when to marry under this philosophy. However, Republicans want to dictate the marriage capabilities of some people because they believe that they carry the word of the Lord. First of all, this is not socialism you commies! The state doesn't get to control people's private lives in a free democratic society. Second off, the concept of God varies depending on an individual's belief. This belief can range from absent to detailed in a so-called religious text. Your book does not contain my God.

Gay people do not want to marry their relatives or animals. Drop that shit. I don't even want to meet the person whose mind is sick enough to come up with that and then try to blame someone else for conjuring those thoughts. You are fucked up and this is from a guy who thinks Sammy Davis Jr. should be pope.

Whether or not gay people can marry really doesn't impact my life or anyone else's life except for those people whose happiness would thus be made legal. My interpretation of marriage has nothing to due with legality however. I feel the only importance of this issue is that gay people should be treated equally.

The bigger issue is that many people feel that homosexuality is wrong. Some feel it is a choice. The bible says nothing about homosexuality. The bible is 2,000 years old written in a currently non-existent language. Possibly your translation is wrong. Anyway, if God is supposed to be omnipotent and beyond human understanding, then how can God's "thoughts" be represented in words? They can't. As far as people who "chose" to be gay, I think the Reverend Jerry Fallwell said it best. When asked about the time he sat down and chose to like girls, he said that never took place because people don't really think like that. He just started liking girls naturally. Hmmm, good point Jerry.

The fear many men have of gay men comes from their own insecurities. These men objectify women to such a degree that they project those sexual feelings onto gay men. They figure that gay men must lust for every man they see. To those men I say this: Not every person is so insecure with themselves that they have to objectify their sexual "prey." Please get some help.

The word "gay" is not synonymous with "stupid." It is not all right to use the term in that manner. It is hurtful.

The United States is supposed to represent an equality of opportunity. Certain adults cannot legally marry their consensual adult partners. This is wrong. We live in a society that should nurture all people, regardless of who they are attracted to. Our society is schizophrenic when it comes to discussing sex. We need to view these issues in a rational manner. It is ok to be gay.

Correction on What Tickles Mother Teresa's Fancy

Evidently Mother Teresa did not beat up crippled children because she thought it was funny. In fact, she didn't beat up crippled children at all.

Mother Teresa, not a bad person.


Mother Teresa was born in Skopje, Macedonia on August 27, 1910. The Albanian nun aided poor children in countries such as India throughout her adult life. She started an open air school for poor children in Calcutta in 1948. In 1950, she began "The Missionaries of Charity" devoted to caring for those left behind in India. The organization has since expanded to a global scale, helping the poor and providing relief during and after tragedies. The organization also helped to erase the stigma of AIDS.

Mother Teresa received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979. She died on September 5, 1997.

However, the pope was still a Nazi.

NBA Playoff Predictions

Rank, Team, Games Will Win

East
1) Mia 4
8) NJN 1 ...... 1) Mia 4

4) Chi 2 ........ 5) Was 1 .......... 1) Mia 2
5) Was 4

2) Det 4
7) Phi 2 ........ 2) Det 3 ........... 6) Ind 4 ........... 6) Ind

3) Bos 2 ....... 6) Ind 4
6) Ind 4

West
1) Phx 4
8) Mem 2 ..... 1) Phx 2

4) Dal 4 ......... 4) Dal 4 ............ 4) Dal 4 ........... 4) Dal
5) Hou 3

2) SAS 1
7) Den 4 ........ 7) Den 4 ........... 7) Den 3

3) Sea 4 ......... 3) Sea 2
6) Sac 2


2005 NBA Finals
Indiana Pacers 4
Dallas Mavericks 2

2005 NBA Champions
Indiana Pacers

Pope Adolph I

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, renamed Pope Adolph I (or Benedict XVI depending on who you ask) was a member of the Hitler Youth when it was the "in" thing in Germany. He enrolled in the Hitler Youth when he was 14 in 1941. The new pope was good friends with the late Mother Teresa, who beat up crippled children because she thought it was funny.

Pope Adolph I gives a nun a communion wafer. If you look close you can see a swastika imprinted of the wafer. Or he's helping that nun drop Ecstasy, whatever's funnier.


But seriously, what the fuck? The pope was a Nazi?! Now, to be fair, he denies sharing the Nazi creed. Pope Adolph I claims that it was compulsory for every German child to join the Hitler Youth, that his family was strictly anti-Nazi, and he deserted the war effort in 1945. We must consider these denials thoughtfully.

The pope claims that he was forced to join the Hitler Youth against his will. It may seem easy to excuse him for this, because of the situation at the time. Any dissenters of the totalitarian state faced possible death. Plus, he was only 14 at the time he joined, just a kid really.

Unfortunately, his participation is not as easily forgiven. He joined the Hitler Youth in 1941, 8 years after Hitler came to power and 2 years after the war began against Poland. The Hitler Youth "served" children of all ages (not Jews), not just 14 year olds. It is quite difficult to imagine that all of the sudden 8 years into Hitler's reign and 2 years after the war in Europe officially began, a 14 year old would be forced to join the Hitler Youth. Either he was forced to join earlier (like in 1933 when Hitler gained power), which obviously he wasn't, or he joined on his own free will.

His age is not a plausible excuse to fall back on either. There is a belief that people should be forgiven for their mistakes when they were 14. In actuality, fourteen-year-olds are quite mature; they know what they're doing. When I was 14, I peed in some tupperware in the Container Store on Rockville Pike. I was asked not to return in the form of a lifetime ban. Perhaps the pope's escapades with the Hitler Youth when he was 14 should have resulted in a lifetime ban for his being pope. That's all I'm saying.

His family was anti-Nazi. Then how come they allowed their son to join Hitler Youth? We've established that it was not compulsory to join. Pope Adolph I is lying about why he joined because it is no longer popular to be associated with the Nazis. It hurts with the women now. It's like a guy who sported a Jerry Curl in the 1980s. At the time he thought he was hip, but now he won't admit he flaunted that hairstyle willingly.

Many people might criticize the pope's desertion of the war as cowardice or unpatriotic. I don't give a shit about that. I would never join the army, when it was actually mandatory or not. What I'm concerned about is that Pope Adolph I is a quitter.

So the Catholics now worship a Nazi Pope, who they selected the day before Hitler's birthday. All I can say now is that the pope is 78 years old and maybe he'll die soon. Then we should epopel Sammy Davis Jr.

A Discussion on the Motives of the Iraq War

Where to begin? The motive for the Iraq war needs to be examined more thoroughly. The Bush administration began their argument for war against Iraq on the basis that Iraq contained weapons of mass destruction, which violated UN stipulations. This argument had nothing to do with the actual reasons for war; it was merely a convenient and simple explanation. It seemed plausible too, after all the United States provided Saddam Hussein's Iraq with these weapons during the 1980s during the reigns of Reagan and Bush. It appeared to be a surefire bet to win the support of the American public. Hussein must possess weapons of mass destruction because we have the documentation that we sold them to him.

It might seem like a huge scandal to some of us that Hussein's weapons were American made. But the administration had explanations for this too. First of all, how many Americans actually know of this transaction of destruction anyhow? The media did nothing to educate the public about this fact either. When that information did surface, Hussein could simply be portrayed as a traitor to the United States. We had aided him against Iran and then he turned around and began a war with helpless Kuwait. This seems logical enough.

However, many questions and statements are ignored with this line of reasoning. The fact that we should have known Hussein was not to be trusted when he went to war with Iran in the first place. We cannot, on the one hand, sell Hussein weapons of mass destruction, and then on the other hand, exploit his use of those weapons as a reason to go to war against him. Where did Hussein's transformation occur? I would argue that it occurred long before he wrestled power away from his predecessor. It happened when he lost his nationalist and socialist ideology of the Baath party, of which he belonged. Hussein was never democratically elected, but taking down Iran's government was more important to the United States than principle. Regardless, the Bush administration assumed that Hussein still possessed the weapons that the United States had sold to him. After all, Rumsfeld and Cheaney were present when Hussein had bough the weapons.

So it was quite a shock, there was even awe, when inspections of Iraq turned up nothing. How could this be explained? He must be hiding them. His poor starving army must be able to outsmart the representative body of the entire world, right? Had this so-called madman complied with a UN resolution?

It took many months for the Bush administration to finally admit that Hussein did not possess weapons of mass destruction. However, I contend that even had Hussein controlled weapons of mass destruction, it would not have been a legitimate reason for war anyway. Hussein did not have the technology to launch those weapons onto United States soil thus rendering any self-defense argument inappropriate. Hussein's hatred for Israel is well known. Israel is an ally of the United States, which makes defending that nation reasonable. This is where dubbing Hussein a madman becomes dangerous. A madman is devoid of logic. Attacking Israel would be quite illogical from Hussein's standpoint. What would he have to gain? The best thing that could result from an Iraqi attack on Israel is that Hussein would revisit his position after the first Persian Gulf War. But in all likelihood, Hussein must have known that his fortunes would fare far worse this go-round.

Saddam Hussein was not a madman as Bush has claimed. He was a logical man. As Americans, we disagree with his premise, but one can be logically sound even with a faulty premise. Hussein's premise was that he wanted to maintain his power. Attacking Israel would certainly not aid his goal of persevering power.

The next argument for the war saw the United States as liberators of the Iraqi people from the evil dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. Again, Hussein was a dictator when the United States sold him weapons of mass destruction. In recent years we have seen numerous bloodless coups against corrupt dictators. The two keys in a popular bloodless coup are the bloodless part and the absence of overt international aid to the coup. Hussein's reign of terror need to be dethroned, but the United States' method fit none of the factors that make up a bloodless coup. Instead, many thousands of Iraqis have died. It is difficult to see a gun-wielding group of people as liberators when they have killed your family and friends. The United States was an outside force, who appeared not to listen to outside advice, whether from allies or Iraqis themselves.

Another fallacy with this reason is that there are many dictators in the world. To be consistent, the United States must overthrow all of them. Instead, the United States allies itself with some of these dictators including Pakistani General Pervez Musharraf. There is no logic to the argument that the United States must depose a Hussein because he is a dictator and does not believe in freedom and democracy, when the United States also allies itself with other dictators.

It has been argued that the United States mission in Iraq has been to spread freedom and democracy to its people. Again, the above argument regarding allied dictators either disproves this reason or converts it to absurdity. After the election this past January in Iraq, some people who were against the war starting seeing its value. They felt that if Bush had articulated his ideology better, they would have supported the war. If Bush had simply said, that the aim of the war was to spread democracy to Iraq, the cause would have been worthy. Certainly the Iraqi people "deserve" democracy. But do they deserve it anymore than the Pakistani people? Do they deserve democracy if they choose another form of government? Democracy needs to reflect the will of the people. If the people are justifiably against the United States, then the government should reflect that belief.

Bush pumped up the American value of freedom all throughout the build up to the war and ever since. During the same period, people are detained in Guantanomo Bay in Cuba without being formally charged with any crime. Arabs and Muslims have been detained within the United States' borders without being formally charged with any crime also. The civil liberties of United States' citizens have been challenged for an indefinite amount of time. Bush cannot claim that we are fighting for freedom while restricting freedom during the fight. He is contradicting American values if he continues to do so.

Another reason for the war was the supposed link between Al Qaida and Iraq. Osama bin Laden's organization is grounded in religious extremism. Hussein is a secular nationalist. The two do not mix, probably to as great a degree as bin Laden and the United States mix. In fact, I say Hussein and bin Laden are further apart than the United States and bin Laden, because Hussein never trained bin Laden against the Soviet Union in the 1980s as the United States had. The 9/11 Commission showed that there was no meaningful link between the two groups. The argument was very pervasive in the Bush administration's reasoning for war. The Iraq war was to be another retaliation to the attacks of September 11, 2001. But as important as this argument was to the administration, it was completely inaccurate and cannot be debated against any further.

Ousting Hussein was not the problem, the violent authoritative way in which it was carried out is. It is still not clear what the true motives of the war were. The United States' thirst for oil was certainly hyped up by dissenters of the war. Since the war began, oil prices have jumped dramatically in United States, allowing for oil companies to cash in.

Mike Tyson: In His Own Words (according to his lawyer)

Publisher's note- I felt compelled to publish this clarification of Mr. Mike Tyson's words submitted by his lawyer on the advice of my own crack legal team. This is yet another example of why crack is wack and I need a new legal team.

The Abyss of Absurdity

(Editor's note- I got nothing)

I, Michael Gerard Tyson, have been blessed to be given the opportunity by God to entertain the good people of the United States of America with my boxing expertise. My life has seen numerous challenges, which I have not always handled with grace. However, any mistakes that I have made in the past were not due to ill intentions. Instead, I periodically let my emotions get the best of me and I apologize for any harm that I have caused anyone. In the future, I vow to treat others with the respect that they deserve.

Michael G. Tyson

Mike Tyson: In His Own Words

Publisher's note- I was rummaging through all of the stacks of papers on my desk from potential writers when I came across this powerful look into the mind of Mike Tyson. Its power lies in its truth. It would not have any meaning had it not come from Mike Tyson himself. Here is Mr. Tyson's view of his surroundings, enjoy.

The Abyss of Absurdity

(Editor's note- Any misspellings or other improper use of the English language have been left unedited in order to capture the true emotion of the author's words. Although, you do kinda wonder if this guy's got spell-check on his computer.)

In my life I have felt humiliation, degagation, and any other T-I-O-N you can think of. I used to be synonymous with manliness, now I am synonymous with debutchery. I weep like a woman as I sit in my bubble bath. I am fully cognacient of people's perception of me. Listen, bitches look at me as some kind of loon. Like one of those Loony Toons. Like mothafucking Bugs Bunny or some shit. Daffy Duck mothafucker. I don't get as much ass now that I'm married again. Man, bitches are scared of me!

I am the type of guy who is misunderstood and underestimated. People think I'm just some tough guy who beats up mothafuckers and bitches for fun. They don't know that I cry until I piss my pants when Sam I Am finally decides that he'll eat those green eggs and ham. It's a beautiful thing. There's so much beauty in the world. I've seen the beauty of fear with my own eyes. It happened when Trevor Burbeck was making womanly gestures like "Uhhh, errr, eeee," towards the end of our bout with one another.

That's how I view boxing, it's a bout with one another not against. It's like a poetic tango between two scientists. And then I come in and punch a mothafucker in the face until he bleeds. Before each match I pray for that blood to splatter on me so that I can suck it off my gloves and boxing shorts when I get back to my dressing room. My opponent's blood gives me power.

Remember that one bitch I married from that tv show? I saw that show after I married that bitch and that's why I smacked that whore. I have deamons that I cannot control.

An oft expounded upon shenanigan is my episode with Evander Holifield. I feel an explanation is in order. During my training for the second fight with Evander I developed a taste for human flesh. I stalked one elementary school and beat up an assmunch until he died form my wicked right crosses. It was funny as shit bitch. So then I ate him. Man, that lil bitch was delicious. During the fight, I saw Evander's ear, cawling me saying "Mike eat me. Please eat me," it continued, "are you a bitch Mike? If you don't take a big bite outta me you're a bitch." So a man did what he had to do.

They also say I'm stupid. I know, I can read bitch. Man I read it on tv and in the papers; I read that shit. Like they said I was stupid and crazy when I threatened to eat Lennox Lewis children. I told Lennox, "I'm gonna eat your children." Fuck that shit, I knew he didn't have any children. That's why I said it, it's called playing mindgames. I made him think about that throughout the whole fite. I'm like a sikeiatric with those mindgames and shit.

I'm not being honest. I made the eating his children remark because I was scared. I knew I would lose that fite. Lennex is bigger than me. Hes dick's bigga than mine, ya heard? I know how to fuck in the ring. I was scared like a bitch married to me. But yeah, I knew he didn't have any children, I was just scared.

I raped Woody Allen in prison. Made him my bitch, ya know. He taught me so much. He helped me see that there was more to me than intimidation. I was hurting. It was the first time I got caught for my hobby of raping people. Woody was in there for having sex with his daughter, which is fucking crazy, even for me. I mean I have sex with otha peeps daughters, but my own, damn fuck! That's ludicrous. I'm a real man. Woody taught me its ok to alleviate my pain through crying and using humor instead of raping hoes. He taught me my schooling. That's where I got this expansive vocabulary of words.

I'm just normal, tryin to do that normal thang you know. It's like all these people are looking at me. Those fiters challenge me. How dare they challenge me with their primitive fiting skills! I got those bitchass mothafuckers in the press just trying to take down a black man and a devout Muslim. I go to a restaurant and eat and don't pay for shit. I'm famous. People want to be like me. I got women and men who want to make love to me, it's that real. Real fucking life. That's my life. I just raise my kids, I love them, and hustle the only way I know how. By fiting.

Michael G. Tyson

Nats' Home Opener

The Washington Nats home schedule began on April 14th. The evening started with George Bush missing high on his first pitch. This is simply speculation, but the adrenaline was probably pumping through his veins causing him to overthrow the ball. Most would guess that this adrenaline came from the fact that Washington hosted its first Major League Baseball home game in 34 years, but actually Mr. Bush was hopped up on the cocaine.

The Washington Nats played their first home game Thursday night. It was the best thing that's happened to RFK since before he got shot.


Livan Hernandez pitched beautifully, taking a one-hit shutout into the 9th. When he gave up a three run homer with one out, Arizona cut the lead to 5-3. Chad Cordero came in to close the ordeal.

Vinny Castilla was the show. He hit a homerun, somehow legged out a triple, and garnered a double. The stage was set for him to go for a single and the Nats second cycle of the season. It was the bottom of the 8th inning when the douchebag Diamondbacks' (nicknamed the Horriblenamers) relief pitcher plunked Castilla stripping him from his chance to hit for the cycle. The crowd appropriately booed the pitcher. The next half inning, the home plate umpire called an obvious foul tip a ball. A foul tip is generally called a strike unless there are two strikes against the batter already, in which case it is nothing. Read your rule book ump!

B-dub (Brad Wilkerson) is better than advertised, except when that advertisement is his Chevy Chase bank commercial. Ryan the Church the Tabernacle has filled the void in the outfield left by Endy Chavez's futility. Luckily no sign of Antonio O-tuna (because he stinks!) and Joe Horgan the Horrible (because, you guessed it, he's horrible).

I enjoy the commentary of "Mistake-prone" Mel Procter and Ron Darling's expert analysis, but I do need to correct Mel of one comment. The bullpen has 4 of the team's 6 wins (in 10 games). Mr. Procter stated that the bullpen was thus doing a good job. In actuality, the bullpen has been the Achilles' heel of the club (look at nicknames above). The reason they have 4 wins is because they've blown it for the starter and then Jose Guillen or his brother-if-we-were-in-China Jose Vidro saves them with a clutch hit. Also everybody's favorite catcher Brian Schneider, very clutch.