Evil Leaders League, Week 3

Sometimes, when I'm alone in my car, I get a strange feeling. It's the ghost of Idi Amin nibbling on my thigh. Let's get the results for Week 3. The official Evil Leaders League site is here.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim Jong-Il has run North Korea since Uncle Jessie was tucking Michelle in at night, Screetch was being stuffed in lockers, and Roseanne had her old face. Kim is preparing to test some more weapons as tensions with South Korea continue to rise. South Korean conservative president Lee Myung-Bak has refused to grant aid to the North, which has made Kim very angry, causing him to break out in hives and test nuclear weapons- it's a rare disease. Than Shwe, the head honcho of Burma and the chief in charge of Myanmar, is ignoring the United Nations. That's not evil, that's George W. Bush-like. Than Shwe and George W. Bush are pretty similar if you think about it. Both did coke in college.

To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site.

Khamenei vs Nazarbayev
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Supreme Leader of Iran. I just read a summary about Iran's government structure and strange phrases appeared such as: checks and balances, presidential elections, and consensus-building. No where did I read about al Qaeda, nuclear weapons, or the Ayatollah's difficulties with flatulence. Needless to say, I was very confused. Could my entire impression of Iran have been wrong all along? Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton told me that Iran was a dangerous theocracy hell-bent on killing us all. I didn't see the word hell-bent anywhere in the summary! I hate when reality shakes my world view.

Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev (SPOILER ALERT) is probably not long for this competition largely because he has too many letters in his name and it's a real pain in the ass to type it repeatedly week in and week out. Sorry Kazakhs, but get rid of this bum and install a new dictator with a shorter name and we'll talk. For now, Nazarbayev signed a law that will require at least two parties in parliament at all times. Did he make the change because I said he thinks the D in AIDS stands for democracy? Almost certainly. While it sounds like good news for the Kazakh people, keep in mind that the next election isn't until 2012. Also, Iran already has more than one party in its parliament, so...

Bongo vs al-Assad
Omar Bongo of Gabon has been playing the blues of late. He's gone to Morocco to be with his sick wife. That's not particularly evil. Bongo is even more of a mensch than you realize. He took his wife on a memorable trip to Paris courtesy of the French foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner. Kouchner arranged a backstage tour of the Eiffel Tower and he even set up a romantic dinner for the lovely couple in a Parisian jail where they were allowed to whip inmates by candle light. Kouchner just wanted to the Bongos to feel at home.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad spent yesterday morning looking at himself in the mirror as he combed his pubescent mustache, pondering which Lebanese political leader to kill next and how to criticize Israel so he doesn't seem like a sell-out while not pissing them off so his country isn't blown apart like a Lebanese political leader. When al-Assad finished combing his mustache three hours later, he started the laborious chore of parting his hair and deciding which tone to take with Egypt and the U.S.

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Protests rang out all over Venezuela against President Hugo Chavez's proposal of unlimited terms. People think it's just a way for Chavez to stay in power for life. Chavez has asked his citizens not to look ahead, noting that "the present is a gift. That's why it's called the present." Protestors told Chavez to keep his present and go fuck a picture of Pinochet. Omar al-Bashir, despite the best efforts of the ELL, still leads Sudan. Darfuri rebels still distrust the Sudanese government heading into peace talks between the two sides. See what a little genocide can do to a friendship? Honestly, the rebels should get over it. There are going to be tough times in this life and sometimes those tough times will include mass murder, torture, rape, and systematic starvation. When life gives you lemons...

standings: Check the ELL site

Me and Mary J

"Oh my god! Ms. Blige, it's so wonderful to meet you! Oh my, oh my! I'm such a casual fan."
"Huh? Oh, thanks."
"Ms. Blige, can I ask you something?"
"Uh, yeah, sure."
I get down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"
"SECURITY!"

And there went another potential life of happiness.

I don't know why Mary J doesn't see what I see. I'm all she needs and if we were together, there would be no more drama. So, what's the 411? Do you see what I did there? I took the titles of some of her work and incorporated it into describing our possible relationship. Very original, you have to admit.

Mary J sings beautifully and looks even better. She has lots of money. I have none of these things. I just don't see why it won't work. We compliment each other so well! Life is very unfair.

Oh well. I guess it's time to drown myself in sorrow and Slurpees once more.

Whether For or Against

Since independence over 100 years ago, Cuba's existence has been destructively linked to the United States. During the drive to independence, the revolutionary writer José Martí warned his country against simply exchanging Spanish colonialism for American imperialism. Martí's words have proved prophetic.

From independence until the Revolution, Cuba was ruled by corrupt dictators who had the full support of the United States. Fulgencio Batista had two reigns as the de facto ruler of the island nation and stripped the country of what amounted to millions of its dollars. Bastista formed a coalition with American mobsters to turn Cuba into a sordid tourist paradise. Bastista's actions ultimately hurt his country for numerous reasons, not least because the highest position a citizen could hope to achieve included either working in Bastista's crooked regime or for American gangsters. The system of rewards was skewed to a devastating degree for Cuba.

After Fidel Castro overthrew Batista in 1959, Cuba held the opposite position with regards to the United States. Cuba stormed out from under the grip of the United States and took a firm stance against its neighbor to the north. But every policy put forth by Castro was meant as an anti-imperialist gesture against the United States. This frame of mind also had a destructive impact on the island. Castro's revolution had the misfortune of occurring during the polarizing times of the Cold War, which provided the political circumstances to oppose the U.S. to such a strong degree. It is not accurate to say that the era forced Castro to choose sides- an ever-strengthening coalition of non-aligned developing nations persisted throughout the period- it simply enabled him to take a hard stance against the United States. Policies such as the campaign to produce 10 million tons of sugar in 1969-70, which ultimately destroyed the Cuban economy, were attempts to embarrass the United States, even if they rarely had Cuba's best interests at heart.

Cuba and the United States need to find a balance between a relationship based on subjugation and one of extreme antagonism. Cuba's unique culture and potential cannot thrive given the pervasiveness of the United States in Cuba's decision making, regardless of the nature of their relationship over the last century. (International Affairs Edition)

My Nation

I have dabbled with the concept of becoming the unchallenged ruler of a country before on this blog (and in my head). Pretend, if you will, that I am the leader of a country in which you are a citizen. From time to time, like a good egotistical autocrat should, I will announce decrees based on my particular mood. Stay tuned and enjoy.

Today's decrees
If you're anything like me, no pretty girls like you. And if you're not like me, then no pretty girls like you either because that is now banned. For the sake of fairness and equality, pretty girls are not allowed to like anybody. (I guess that's not really fair to pretty girls, but hey, this is a patriarchal society, don't blame me.)

(If you know me, you could have predicted this one.) College basketball players may (hereby) only declare for the NBA draft early if they obtain permission from me. This will be known as the Scotty Thurman Law.

Marx said that religion is the opium of the masses (and since this is the Marxist phase of my rule) to hammer home that point, all places of worship are required to provide their followers with free heroin and poppy seed bagels. However (because I'm still not sold on this whole Marxist thing), all places of worship are allowed to charge their followers for a shmeer of cream cheese and lox.

2008-2009 All H-duk Team

This is the thirteenth annual NFL All-H-duk Team. The numbers beside the names indicates how many times that player has made the team. If there is no number, this is their first selection. A * indicates that the player was on my fantasy team.

Head Coach: Atl- Mike Smith

Quarterbacks: Ind- Peyton Manning 8th; NO- Drew Brees 2nd; Phi- Donovan McNabb 3rd.

Running Backs: Atl- Michael Turner*; Min- Adrian Peterson 2nd; Was- Clinton Portis.

Fullbacks: NYG- Madison Hedgecock 2nd; Bal- LaRon McLain.

Wide Receivers: Ari- Larry Fitzgerald; Hou- Andre Johnson; Bal- Derrick Mason; Ind- Reggie Wayne 2nd.

Tight Ends: Dal- Jason Witten 2nd; Tony Gonzalez 6th.

Offensive Line: KC- Damion McIntosh; NYG- Chris Snee; Ten- Kevin Mawae 4th; Buf- Jason Peters; Min- Steve Hutchinson 3rd.

Defensive Line: Ten- Albert Haynesworth; Min- Jared Allen 2nd; NYJ- Kris Jenkins 2nd; Car- Julius Peppers 4th.

Linebackers: Pit- James Harrison 2nd; Dal- Demarcus Ware 2nd; Bal- Terrell Suggs; Ari- Karlos Dansby.

Secondary: Pit- Troy Polamalu 3rd; Bal- Ed Reed 3rd; Ten- Cortland Finnegan; Phi- Asante Samuel 2nd.

Kicker: Ten- Rod Bironas

Punter: Phi- Sav Rocca

Kick and Punt Returner: SD- Darren Sproles

Special Teams Cover Men: Chi- Alex Brown 2nd; Atl- Jason Snelling.

Letter From the President

The president of Goucher College sent a letter about the recent controversy involving the hiring and subsequent suspension of a professor suspected of contributing to the Rwandan genocide.

The funniest thing about the president's letter is that he says they brought the professor in "under the auspices of the Scholar Rescue Fund (SRF), a program that provides fellowships for established scholars whose lives and work are threatened in their home countries." I guess the president never thought that maybe the reason WHY the professor was threatened in his home country was because HE COMMITTED GENOCIDE THERE!

Goucher really dropped the ball on this one. I mean, how many genocidal war criminals are there in the world? Maybe 100 or so? It seems like the odds of avoiding the hiring of a genocidal war criminal as your new French professor would be pretty good. In fact, the odds of actually dying in a genocide are much higher.

I heard Goucher is looking to hire a new chemistry professor, Dr. Joseph Mengele. He fits right in with their new political science professor, Slobodan Milosevic and the new director of Culinary Arts, Idi Amin. At least those three are dead.

Suspended for Genocide

Goucher College recently suspended a French professor, Leopold Munyakazi, for allegedly partaking in the Rwandan genocide. Ideally, that is not what this grandson of Holocaust survivors had in mind for my alma mater. I guess it's not as offensive as if I had been from Rwanda and if my grandparents didn't survive the genocide or if Dr. Munyakazi was a 100 year old German Nazi-sympathizer who speaks impeccable French. I guess those things would be slightly more offensive.

Clearly, there is a problem with Goucher's interviewing process. The end of the interview should have gone as such: "Well Dr. Munyakazi, your credentials are in order, everything looks great. You speak French beautifully. One last thing, have you have been charged with genocide?" Or perhaps, the question should have been more subtle: "Dr. Munyakazi, do you have any skeletons in your closet you'd like to reveal? I mean, literally do you have any skeletons of Tutsis or moderate Hutus in your closet right now?" Then you would have avoided this embarrassment. But the school never listens to its students.

I always suspected some of the professors at Goucher of murder and possibly rape, but not genocide. I’m shocked.

A few years ago the president of Harvard said that women were biologically stupider than men in math and science. He is now Obama's Director of the National Economic Council. According to that logic, the president of Goucher is headed for a big promotion. Secretary General of the UN might be in the cards! At the very least, he's done what he set out to do; he's put Goucher on the map. People know us now.

Petraeus at the Super Bowl

Something felt wrong in my soul when General David Petraeus scampered onto the field during the Super Bowl's coin toss proceedings. Only later did it occur to me. No, I wasn't upset that he was being celebrated for killing invisible people of color in far off lands for the fictitious justification of freedom. Ok, I was; but that wasn't the whole story.

The contradiction between the increase in specialization in football and Petraeus' job is what struck me most. Petraeus is the head of U.S. Central Command, which puts him in charge of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Some NFL teams have a punter, a kicker for field goals, and a kicker for kickoffs. You have third down backs, pass-rushing linebackers, nickel and dime defense backs, and people who all they do is snap the ball on field goal attempts and punts. But when it comes to two wars, we got one guy.

The conditions, cultures, peoples, histories, and circumstances are profoundly different in Iraq and Afghanistan. The battle to be fought is different. The way the United States needs to relate to the people in the two countries is different. Afghanistan hasn't been occupied by a foreign force for a few thousand years. The country has fallen victim to an invasion, a civil war, and now another invasion in the last thirty years. The country's infrastructure is practically nil. The U.S. overthrew a religiously Sunni fundamentalist regime. After overcoming British colonialism, Iraq eventually saw a secular strongman take over the well-developed nation. Iraq featured a burgeoning middle class and a predominately Shiite population. Afghanistan has many different ethnic groups, but the largest are the Pashtuns. Iraqis are mostly Arab.

If there was ever a time for specialization it should be in dealing with the situations in Iraq and Afghanistan. And let's let one guy do all a team's kicking in the NFL. (International Affairs Edition)

Super Bowl XLIII Recap

Larry Fitzgerald catches the ball in the middle of the field and darts through the befuddled Steelers secondary. Fitzgerald has just caught an improbable touchdown pass from the arm of his 37-year old quarterback, Kurt Warner. With fewer than two minutes left in the season, Fitzgerald's majestic score has put the Cardinals ahead for the first time, by the score of 23-20.

Ben Roethlisberger walks onto the field knowing that he has the chance to cement his legacy in the annals of NFL lore with a touchdown drive or be forced to deal with the unending pain of coming so close to the sport's ultimate prize only to fall short. After moving the ball slowly but effectively, Roethlisberger scampers for a first down using his feet. With 1:01 left, Head Coach Mike Tomlin wisely calls a timeout. One play later, Roethlisberger throws the ball to Santonio Holmes which puts the Steelers in field goal range with 48 seconds left.

A play later I run to the stairs and scream up to my mother, "You might wanna watch this. The Super Bowl is coming down to the last play." Before she could come down, Roethlisberger drops back and fires a perfect pass into the poetically placed hands of Holmes; his toes painted on the blades of the end zone. It was a play for the ages and the winning touchdown. Warner tried in vain to mount one last drive, but a borderline fumble that went against the Cards ended their chances.

It was an exciting game, even if it wasn't well played. The mass of penalties highlights that claim. The Cardinals had Kurt Warner rolling and moving in the first half which turned out predictably to be ineffective. The Steelers should have gone for the touchdown on 4th down from the 1 inch line on their first drive and it almost cost them the championship. If you can't score from 1 inch out, you don't deserve the championship. Conversely, if you don't make it and your defense can't prevent a 100 yard touchdown drive, you don't deserve the title either.

The play that helped to render that poor decision moot occured at the end of the first half. Arizona had recently scored to cut the Steeler lead to 10-7. The Cards drove to the red zone to at least tie the game if not take the lead heading into halftime. Warner dropped back looking for Anquan Boldin but never saw the usually-blitzing James Harrison, who had dropped back into coverage. Harrison picked the pass and what happened next will go down in Super Bowl history. He rumbled down the field, hurling over opponents, his heart dragging him to the promised land where he stumbled passed the goal line for a 17-7 advantage at the break.

Tying up some loose ends: Santonio Holmes was the MVP- Roethlisberger and Harrison were also contenders. After Fitzgerald's first TD, I said (to no one), "He Tyreed it." Then five minutes later, John Madden made the David Tyree catching the football on his helmet reference on national television and my witty comment became irrelevant. James Harrison was called for a personal foul that Al Michaels deemed to be a big penalty, even though it only cost Pittsburgh 1 yard. That possession, Nick Hartwig was called for a stupid hold in the end zone, resulting in a safety, but it was 6 yards behind the goal line. The personal foul call against Karlos Dansby was wrong. This Super Bowl was reminiscent of Super Bowls XIV and XXIII. I did not watch the halftime show.

My favorite commercial, besides all of those misogynist or unnecessarily violent ones, was the one where the guy asks for a girl's number, calls her, goes on a date, and brings his parents to meet her within 30 seconds. That was humorous.

Super Bowl XLIII Preview

Pittsburgh Steelers 14-4 vs Arizona Cardinals 12-7

This is one of those games that could very well be an extremely intriguing matchup... or a snooze fest. It is a matchup of the league's best defense, Pittsburgh, against the NFL's most exciting offense, the Cardinals. The Steelers defense doesn't have a significant weakness. Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison anchors an incredible linebacking core. The defensive line is massively underrated. The secondary is the weak spot of the defense like a jump shot is LeBron James' weakness. That is to say, it would be the strongest part of the team for most. Troy Polamalu is a safety who will take risks that often lead to meaningful rewards.

Defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau will have his work cut out for him stopping the Cardinals offense. Arizona has a rather poor running game. They are one of the worst short yardage running teams. Their passing game does not feature a ton of options. However, the Cardinals have three pretty important players. Wideout Anquan Boldin is a guy who consistently puts up numbers. But he has been over-shadowed by the other two. Kurt Warner is extremely accurate with the deep ball and that compliments his veteran experience nicely. He is not likely to instigate unforced turnovers. The Steelers will have to earn their takeaways. Warner holds the record for the most and second most passing yards in a Super Bowl. He has a pretty nice target to throw to, opposite Boldin. Larry Fitzgerald has made a believer out of me. This guy is awe-inspiring. The Carolina Panthers put the whole team on him, not just all 11 defenders, but all 53 active players, and he still scored 14 touchdowns! Ok, that's a bit of hyperbole, but not by much.

The big question is whether or not Pittsburgh's intricate blitzing scheme will get to Warner in time. If they decide not to blitz, I believe they will be dead ducks. Warner is so accurate and Fitzgerald is so tall and athletic, that the Steelers would be in trouble. Philadelphia is a blitzing team, who had mixed success in the NFC championship game. The Cards put up points early, but the Eagles eventually settled down. The Steelers cannot afford to give up too many early points because they do not have the passing game that the Eagles had.

Arizona's defense was a non-entity during the regular season. They have mostly played well during their three playoff contests. Ben Roethlisberger, the Steelers quarterback playing in his second Super Bowl, should be rested, healthy, and in store for a pretty nice game. He has more options than Warner to throw to. He also has a better running game, including a rested Willie Parker, who holds the record for the longest run in a Super Bowl. If the Steelers can control the ball with Parker and Mwelde Moore, which will keep Warner and Fitzgerald off the field, they should come away with their sixth Super Bowl championship.

I believe the Steelers will win 24-16. James Harrison will be the MVP. The Cards will lose their first ever Super Bowl and the Steelers will improve on their 5-1 franchise record. Bruce Springsteen is cool and everything, but I will still not watch the halftime show.