Hu's on First

Abbott: I'm manging a baseball team filled with Asian ballplayers. Would you like to learn a little bit about them?
Costello: Sure. Let's start with the first baseman. Who's on first?
Abbott: Right. Hu's on first.
Costello: What? I'm asking you! Never mind. Let's just move on. Who's on second?
Abbott: Lee.
Costello: What are you doing Bud, that's not part of the act.
Abbott: Lou, I just can't take this shit any more. I hate this routine; it's so illogical. What are the odds that there would be a baseball team filled with these surnames? Nobody has the last name "I don't know," it just doesn't make any sense.
Costello: Dammit Bud. Don't start this again. You're such an arrogant cow turd. [storms off]

... and scene.

The Stupid Test

If you get any of the below questions wrong or cannot complete any of the tasks, you are too stupid to live.

The Test
1) The Wizards have 84 points. The Knicks have 74 points. How many points are the Wizards winning by? (The answer is not 84, you stupid fucking retard kid sitting behind me at the Knick game!!)

2) What is 2 divided by 3? (No, it's not .5, you stupid fucking retard kid's father!!)

3) Locate your country on a map.

4) Carry on a conversation with another human being for at least five minutes without making the other person feel uncomfortable.

5) Use the word "ironic" (or the equivalent in your language. If your language does not have an equivalent, lucky you, skip this question) correctly in a sentence. (Hint: The fact that the lyrics in Alanis Morissette's song Ironic are not ironic is ironic. Use a different example.)

5) If you've ever said, "I'm so hungry I could literally eat a horse," or any other blatant misuse of the word "literally," (unless you were being ironic) you got this one wrong. Time to end it.

6) If you've ever laughed at a Jeff Foxworthy joke, you might have failed this test already.

7) Who is the president (or recognized leader) of your country?

8) (If you are not a neo-nazi, skip this one) Make a reasoned and/or logical argument for why blacks, Jews, and Mexicans are inferior to "pure" white people... Not good enough, kill yourself.

9) Respond to this comment: "I'm running a marathon."
Did you answer, "Oh wow, how long is the one you're running?" If so, you lose. (It's a marathon dumbass! A marathon is a fixed distance. They're all the same moron.)

10) Go through life without being the object of Chris Hansen's scorn on Dateline's To Catch A Predator series.

Congratulations, you are not too stupid to live!

Evil Leaders League, Season 3

This is the third season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season, two are new, and one has climbed his way back up since being relegated in the first season. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Benazir Bhutto. Each week will be updated at the new official homepage of the ELL.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 2nd.
Vladimir Putin - running things in Russia since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - the man in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 5th.
Robert Mugabe - president of Zimbabwe, ruling since 1980. Back.
Hu Jintao - leader of China since 2003. New.
Pervez Musharraf - president of Pakistan since 1999. New.

Week 1
Mugabe vs al-Bashir
The leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, was relegated after the first season. It was most unfortunate because he turned up the evil upon hearing the disappointing news. With Zimbabwe experiencing an incredible economic crisis, fueled by Weimar-like inflation, the pressure on Mugabe was mounting. But like any great evil leader, Mugabe put out the fire. Shit is still terrible in Zimbabwe, but there are fewer people complaining about it now. Jailings, killings, and limitations on free speech- that's why Mugabe is back. Sudanese ruler Omar al-Bashir is the two-time defending ELL champion. The reason? Genocide in Darfur. Besides massacring a group of people, the government-funded militias also partake in the act of raping women. During the offseason, al-Bashir wanted in on that action. But don't tell anyone. He also went to Turkey.
winner: al-Bashir

Putin vs Musharraf
Vladimir Putin is the president of Russia. His term will end probably towards the end of the ELL regular season. However, if his boy Dmitry Medvedev wins the presidential election, Putin said he wouldn't mind becoming prime minister. Can you believe that? Russia is such a backward country. Imagine a former two-term president came back to the White House in some capacity in the United States? It would never happen because we don't have a monarchy here in the good ole U.S. of A. I want to call Putin a monarch, but I don't know which spelling I like better, Czar or Tsar.

Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan. He's had quite a year. After serving his country effectively, Musharraf sensed his time in charge was ending. Like an aging actor who won't go gentle into that good night, Musharraf did everything he could to hang on. You think he should relinquish his military uniform, goodbye. You question the credibility of the election, adios. You think his mustache is gay, welcome to the most anal-rapiest prison. The people of Pakistan have had enough. They want Musharraf gone. Musharraf is so despised, if Jackie Mason ran against him for the Presidency of Pakistan, the Jewish comedian would win. In December, his rival Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. Musharraf popped champagne. Now if only someone would off that pesky Nawaz Sharif, the ELL championship won't be far behind.
winner: Musharraf

Hu vs Kim
Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis. Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body. I will not say anything bad about the wonderful and all-powerful leader of North Korea.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Chavez
Two old favorites in the ELL. The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made news by speaking at Columbia University in New York. He was granted a rather curt welcome and was chagrined for saying that there are no gays in Iran. For some reason that raised his evil prowess. I bet their aren't any gay people in 7 of these countries according to each country's ruler (Kim is an aficionado of the theater). Unfortunately for Ahmadinejad, it turns out all of his tough talk on nuclear weapons was as fake as his accent (Tehran my ass, I know Isfahan Farsi when I hear it!). The Venezuelan president is Hugo Chavez. He admitted that he chews coco leaves, from which cocaine is made. That's Chavez's way of saying, "Fuck you," to America's war on drugs. Everything this man does, every bone in his body, is anti-American.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 1-0
Chavez 1-0
Kim J-I 1-0
Mushar 1-0
Putin 0-1
Ahmad 0-1
Hu Jin 0-1
Mugabe 0-1

Fred Thompson - A Closer Look

Fred Thompson is a former senator from Tennessee and a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.

Abortion
Thompson wants Roe v. Wade overturned. He believes that abortion is an issue best left to the states.

Immigration
Thompson wants tougher security on the Mexican border and existing immigration laws enforced. He would cut federal funding to 'sanctuary cities' and prevent employers hiring undocumented immigrants. He thinks those stipulations would stop the flow of illegal immigration. Thompson stated, "Nobody's advocating that these people all be rounded up." He clearly hasn't paid attention to the immigration policies of his Republican competitor. Thompson personally intervened on behalf of undocumented immigrants before his run for president.

Iraq
He trusts General Petraeus and would leave U.S. troops in Iraq as long as the General prescribed. Thompson believes invading Iraq was the right thing to do.

Iran
Fred Thompson believes that Iran is the most dangerous country in the world. He believes that Iran is developing nuclear technology despite the recent National Intelligence Estimate saying otherwise. His tough talk would leave one to assume that he would attack Iran if elected.

Pakistan
Thompson wants Musharraf to survive and wouldn't force Pakistan to do anything that is not in their best interest. He would threaten to cut aid to influence Pakistan's desire to go after al Qaeda.

Here are some irrelevant fun facts:

• Holds the world record for most face wrinkles
• Sleeps 17.6 hours a day
• Banged Lady Bird Johnson back when it "meant" something
• Acting debut on the old Amos and Andy radio show
• Will drop out of the race as soon as someone tells him he's running

Bobby Fischer is Dead

Jewish chess champion and rabid anti-Semite, Bobby Fischer, died yesterday. Nobody lit a yahrzeit candle for him.

As a young boy, Bobby Fischer was a very famous chess king. By the end of his life he had faded and become a pawn of the anti-Semites. (Chess pun, BAM!) Fischer became my arch-nemesis along the way. I despised him. He was a real live Shabbatai Zvi for me, minus the charisma. He was a symbol of something. For me, both Fischer and Zvi symbolized the heights a little Jewish boy could reach and the sting of betrayal.

Bobby Fischer is dead. This is a time to rejoice. But it brings up an interesting question on anti-Semitism. I postulated with my gentile friend, but he couldn't respond because that would anti-Semitic. How is my friend to feel? He can't be happy that Bobby Fischer died, because he's a Jew and that would make my friend an anti-Semite. He can't be sad that Bobby Fischer died because he was a rabid anti-Semite and that would make my friend the same. If my friend was indifferent, you best believe that would be anti-Semitic. It's a real quandary.

My brother and I had just started making jokes about Bobby Fischer last weekend. Perhaps, we're responsible for his death. A man can dream.

Bobby Fischer's death has got me thinking about other Jews I wish were dead. For starters, William Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Jonah Goldberg, Joe Lieberman, and that rabbi from Dateline caught on To Catch A Predator.

Why Not Listen?

I've heard many people say that this world needs more love. Personally, I think they're full of shit. Love is overrated.

I'm worried about a new trend across the globe. That is the trend of only seeking out information that reinforces one's own belief system. We need to listen to one another more, no matter how fucking crazy the opinion. We need to have the capacity to empathize with each other, despite the apparent mental imbalance of the other person.

A guy told me a story where he broke into the house of an Iraqi family. Once inside, he wouldn't leave and just destroyed the place. The kicker was he actually blamed the family for not fixing their house in a timely manner. The family begged him to just leave and they would take care of their own shit. The guy told me that even before he left their house, he was already thinking about breaking into the house next door. I hope somebody stops him.

You know, it's obvious that this guy has "his own reality" to put it nicely. But it's important not to dismiss him or anyone else who has a drastically different point of view, morality, or vision of the world.

MD, DC, VA Hip Hop

Here's a list of Hip Hop emcees and producers repping Maryland, Washington DC, and Northern Virginia. They're all great, check them out.

Asheru, Kenn Starr, Panacea, Storm the Unpredictable, Kev Brown, Priest Da Nomad, Poemcees, Wale, The Unknown, Cy Young, Oddisee, O.U.O. (aka Zimbabwe Legit), Native Deen, Kaimbr, IQ, Opus Akoben, RoddyRod, Grap Luva.

"I've decided to carve my own niche and approach every live show like a sales pitch."- Asheru

Twins Marry

There was a story about twins separated at birth who met and married...

NO! IT'S NOT ABOUT MY PARENTS!!


(... fraternal twins obviously. Come on, you knew that.)

Facebook and Birthdays

Here's a story about a guy who called up all of his friends on his birthday and told them to write him a note on Facebook so he would look like less of a loser...

NO! IT'S NOT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL!!

Lou Dobbs Questions Dora the Explorer

Television pundit Lou Dobbs has raised questions over the immigration status of child star Dora the Explorer. "A lot of illegal immigrants are stealing jobs from good hard-working Americans. I believe the legality of her status should be checked, yes," said Dobbs, who has long spoke out against illegal immigration.

Dobbs believes that the long-standing issue of undocumented immigrants entertaining children has been wide-spread. "This is a list that includes Speedy Gonzalez, Jose Jimenez, and that Taco Bell dog."

Dora the Explorer is a television star, who has delighted small children over the past few years. She could not be reached for comment.

When asked why Dobbs would bring such a controversial issue into the realm of children's television, he told a story of hearing his grandchildren say, "Thank you. Gracias," whenever someone passed the butter at the dinner table. Dobbs' horror at the incident propelled him into action. He studied the television shows they watched until he found the culprit.

"I am trying to protect my grandchildren from all of the bad things in this world. It is not an easy job," Dobbs defiantly declared when reporters confronted him with the reality that Dora the Explorer was a fictitious cartoon character.

Dobbs continued, "I believe it is right to ask questions. I will never stop fighting for the well-being of my grandchildren. I am a hero."