The H-Quack Times

Ankara to Konya

2012-02-15T12:46:00.002-05:00

Vinoba Bhave walked to expose the plight of the poor, to give land to the landless in the poverty-stricken Indian province of Bihar. My perpetual walking is more personal. I walk for information and pain.

Can physical pain bring enlightment? Perhaps that's what the whirling dervishes, a Sufi phenomenon, were thinking as they spun. Fitting as Konya is the birthplace of Sufism. Emotional pain can surely bring enlightment. But not if it is contrived emotional pain derived from self-pity.

I just finished reading Mailer's The Fight. He describes the economy of mood on the final page and, relatedly, mentions that his gambling fortune was tied to his mood. More than mood, I believe one's outlook can control one's life, even more than the things we have in our direct control.

This day wasn't filled with much in the way of stories. There was the three year girl I shared countless smiles with while waiting for the bullet train to take us from Ankara to Konya. There was the tall man sitting next to me on the train, his extended beard raining off his face, whose thumb and fore-finger ate his prayer beads one by one, around and around. The faster the train sped, the hungrier his fingers devoured the beads. And there was the other man, the only person of 25 in my car, who faced east at 4:25pm and went through his prayer rituals.

I walked the 3KM with my heavy bag on my back from the train station to the hotel. I was tired. The hotel clerk was very friendly. I asked the price of the room. He quoted and I accepted. In my exhaustion, I had forgotten to haggle. The clerk felt bad for me. "Well, it comes with breakfast." A little while later, while leaving the hotel for dinner, another man stopped me and advised me to wear a jacket because it's cold. It was a loving paternalistic jesture. Of course, I had to inform him that I don't have a jacket with me.

I'm excited to see Rumi's museum/shrine tomorrow. But my major concern is my damp and stinky shoes. They're falling apart and turning from white to a bluish hue. If I can, I may just ditch them for some Turkish shoes.

Why am I in Ankara?

2012-02-14T15:00:00.002-05:00

Why am I in Ankara? That topic consumed my thoughts today. I could spend most of my vacation in the wondrous city of Istanbul. I could be in some warm beach city along the Mediterranean or the Black Sea. Instead, I'm in cold snowy crowded Ankara. It was 5 degrees celsius and snowing and sticking today.

I wonder if I'm in Ankara because of some sense of self-loathing. As if I don't deserve the finer things in life. I haven't earned them yet. Or perhaps it's because I prefer to challenge myself rather than take the easy way. Maybe it's because some wise portion of my being understands that the information I am accumulating now will serve me in some important way later.

Or maybe it is because I long to empathize with and understand people from places that are not considered among the world's treasures. But if it is out of empathy, why am I so reluctant to engage with others? Is because of insecurity? Or is because any little interaction affects me so greatly due to my hyper-empathy?

Today, I managed to make it to Anit Kabir, Ataturk's mausoleum. I walked in on a state funeral procession. I don't know for whom. After it ended and soliders began departing, I took out my phone to take a picture of them goose-stepping. As I took out my phone, the commander unleashed an ear-invading yell and the soldiers turned and began marching right at me angrily. I froze, thinking I had created an international incident. Turns out, the commander was simply shouting instructions to his men.

I would be remiss as a Jew if I didn't mention my ongoing ailmetns. From walking so much every day, my feet are in a state of constant agony. My old planter fasciitis acted up in Istanbul, but thankfully has died down. But the tendon in the back of my ankle connecting my heal to my calf was sore before I came and has gotten far worse. My feet are often soaked because of the slush the snow creates. I have an inexplicable scratch on my ass. I strained a groin in Istanbul which healed quickly.

And finally, though I have put down Ankara thus far- I've found myself cussing quite often since being here- it does have its charm. it mixes the ancient with the modern historical with the modern. This is despite the baseball cards with women in their underwear littered all over the Ulus section of the city. However, looking Turkish yet not speaking a word of the language, I feel a sense of anonimous isolation.

I realized it was Valentine's Day sitting in a cafe at 8pm and noticing tons of couple surrounding me and red hearts made out of construction paper on the windows. I looked at my phone and saw the date. Hmm, now those guys selling roses all over the place makes sense. I never have cofee, but I sipped a chocalte cappucino and that combined with the day's self-reflection has created quite the little high.

In Ankara

2012-02-13T16:02:00.001-05:00

Well, not too much happened since I last wrote. I did get stuck in the hotel's elevator. It doesn't have it's own door and I didn't realize that you have to push the floor's door to get out. The elevator is really small too. I freaked out and started pounding on the door.

I had an argument with last night's internet guy. I'm sure I gave him 2 lira. He was sure I gave him 1.50. He said he only had 1 50 piece and I had just given it to him. I had checked in the hotel and saw I only had 1 50 piece, which was still in my pocket. An argument ensued. I got my 2 lira back and he kicked me out. Just as well, he charged me 1.75 yesterday.

Other than that, I spent the day walking around. Kizilay is the posh part of town and has way too many McDonald'ses, Burger Kings, Pizza Huts, and Dominoes, too close to one another. Do we need three Burger Kings within two blocks?

Ankara is an Asian city. This is how I can tell. I have to run across the street if I don't want to be standing in the same place for a half hour waiting for a break in traffic. People honk their car horns instead of yielding. The computers at the internet places suck. And I can't go out for a leasurely stroll. The wide streets are too crowded.

Kemal Ataturk is much bigger here than he is in Istanbul. Ataturk didn't step foot in Istanbul from 1919 to 1927, which, no disrespect the Turkish people, does not say much for their father's judgement. If Istanbul leaves you speechless, Ankara will have you talking to yourself.

P.S. John's name was actually Chaner, which shows you my ability to understand Turkish.

From Istanbul to Ankara

2012-02-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

I was hellbent on going out last night to experience a taste of the Istanbul nightlife. I went back to the room at 7pm to rest up and I set an alarm for 9:45. 9:45 came and went and I was too tired to move. Finally, at 11:45pm I got up and went for a walk. Sultanahmet, the place where I'm staying in the Old City, was fairly dead at that hour, even on a Saturday night. So I went for a walk and ran into the same man that I thought might be trying to scam me a couple of days before. He was driving the same car and stopped to talk to me at the same bend in the road. It was definitely a scam. Eventually, I got back to the hotel, sat upstairs in their pseudo restaurant, and had a good thinking session.

I woke up and felt sick. I left the hotel anyway and traversed to the bus station on my way to Ankara. A man approached me and with no English (and I speak no Turkish), I managed to get a bus ticket for Ankara at a fairly reasonable price. The bus probably wasn't great, but my standards are so low from my time in India that it felt like a bus for a pack of sultans

On the bus, I met a guy named John, or at least that's what I thought his name was until he wrote in on a card and it's spelled differently. I don't have the card with me. He is a camera man for Turkish movies and is from Antalya, but now lives in Ankara. He was visiting his girlfriend in Istanbul.

Before I talk more about him, the bus ride was cool. The snow covered mountains watched over the glistening Marmara Sea. The cookie cutter towns surrounding Izmit were memorable. John told me this was a Kurdish bus. It was headed for the eastern city of Van. No one except for John spoke English and John's was limited.

At one point, the bus stopped for prayers. John said Muslims were a problem in Turkey. Problem was his favorite word. Finished came a close second. Finished described an ex-girlfriend and his dead father. A few times John locked arms with me while we were at a rest stop and at one point he playfully punched my stomach a few times. He was always on the phone.

When we got off the bus at Ankara, John took me to the metro. Though he lives here, amazingly he knew less about the Ankara metro than I did. The entire time, I was trying to figure out if this was a scam. If it was, how did he know I would be on the bus. Was the man in the station who directed me to the bus in on it? Couldn't be. Could it?

We got to our metro stop and he began looking at women's clothing in a store. He'd stroke his salt and pepper stubble and rub his rotund belly and round face examining the clothes. He was wearing a comical green frog winter hat and had lent me his smart blue winter hat. He was very paternalistic towards me. He offered to buy my mother some clothes. "Money is no problem." We went to another shop and he got his ear pierced yelling "FOCK!" at the girl punctured his earlobe. 'What kind of guy is this?' I thought. He had offered to take me to dinner before and we were supposedly on our way.

We walked to a secluded restaurant in a tall building by the metro after he had made a call. I began to worry. He introduced me to two friends, older gentlemen. Virtully no one was in the restaurant. I was starving as it was 8pm and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. A woman began to sing for the three people in the audience. John made more calls. No food was coming. No one took our order. I began to worry. John left the restaurant twice with his phone. I started freaking out. At the very least, I wouldn't make it back to the hotel until late. And I didn't have a room yet. John offered me money. "Money is no problem." I saw an image of me being tied up by several large men and robbed of everything I own. John asked me for my last name, phone number, and email address. I gave him phonies.

John left again. I grabbed my bag. Out in the hall, John's friend introduced me to a Turkish woman who lived in America for 27 years. She asked me what the hell I was doing in Ankara instead of being in Istanbul. Everyone in Istanbul had said the same thing. Then John came and saw me leaving. I apologized and told him I was so sleepy. He was ok with it. That led me to believe this wasn't an elaborate scam.

I managed to make it to the hotel in my usual stumbling way. I got the price for the room knocked down from 80 to 60, which is still more than I wanted to pay. One last thing. While walking around the metro, I couldn't believe how many beautiful women there were. It was worth noting.

Beyoglu and Basketball

2012-02-11T11:06:00.001-05:00

I went to Beyoglu on the European side of Istanbul (I've been in the Old City and there is also an Asian side) last night. I was trying to see some of the Istanbul nightlife. I went to the main road, Istiklal Caddesi. It's this wide street that's really only for pedestrians and is filled with posh shops on either side. All the hip people go there. I hated it. I was pretty cold and it was just a never-ending rush of people who didn't always veer right when approaching me. The only plus, besides finding a book on a Jewish guy who visited Istanbul in 1830, was all the beautiful women.

One woman sidled up to me in a book store. Maybe she was interested, maybe she was just looking at the books next to me. I should've said hi, but I had a relapse of my Mackey Sasser disease with women. Sasser was a catcher who couldn't throw the ball back to the pitcher, though he could make any other throw. But if you can't throw the ball back to the pitcher, you can't play in the game.

I got back to the room at 9:30 and planned to go out and try this late night thing one more time. They have alcohol-free cafes around the hotel, which is more my style. But I fell asleep instead. I had woken up at 6am after 4 hours of sleep. Last night ws the first time I had a full night's sleep, from 9:30pm to 4am. I;m going to try to go out tonight, if I don't fall asleep.

Today, I went to a Turkish League Basketball game featuring Edirne and Efes. Two beautiful women sat next to me and I decided to ask them a question about the American players. After the one woman answered, they both got up and left.

Efes won big led by Esteban Batista, the Uruguayan national team's star. I was also impressed with Tarence Kinsey, who has talent, but is a bad passer. He threw an awful alley-oop attempt, chucked a pass as hard as he could at a teammate's knees, and threw a confused no-look dish sort of to Batista and then screamed at Esteban when he didn't catch the errant pass.

I also took a picture with Sasha Vujacic, who is injured. Honestly, he's one of my least favorite NBA players of all time, although I have to say he was nice to me. On the train ride back from the game, a guy starts talking to me in Turkish. I said, "Sorry?" He apologized and said, "I thought you were Turkish. You look very Turkish." He told me he had lived in Roanoake, Virginia. I was also approached by people trying to get locals to sign up for something and when I said I didn;t speak Turkish, they looked embarrassed. I noticed they let the obvious foreigners be. I also went into a mosque to pray and no one batted an eye. Apparently, Ashkenazi Jews and Turks look alike.

I came back to a sister hotel of mine; this one has the computer. I showed my new NBA-loving friend Suat my picture with Vujacic and he told me that Jeremy Lin lit up the Lakers last night. I'm planning on going to Ankara tomorrow.

The Girl From Holland and the Guy From Izmir

2012-02-10T08:15:00.001-05:00

I left the computer last night and went to a cafe for some late night tea. It was snowing hard and beginning to stick on the street. A car pulls up to me and the guy opens his window and asks me something in Turkish. I replied, "I don't know."

He asked me where I'm from and I answered "America." He said he had been to California. He asked me where my hotel was, I pointed in a general direction. I asked him where he was from and he said Izmir. He asked me in English for the place he was looking for and I said I didn't know where it was. Then, he asked me to come in his car, out of the snow and we'll got to a Turkish bar.

He seemed friendly enough, but nearly being scammed out of all my earthly possessions in India has left me quite cautious. He didn't press it and left, which made me think he was just a friendly guy. Better safe than sorry I suppose.

After something called flower chai, I went back to the hotel, hiking through the snow. I went up to the top floor where there's a pseudo-restaurant. The was a girl from Holland there with the most beautiful bright blue eyes and a very cute round face that glowed when she smiled. Cute-i-ful is a new word I've been looking to try out. She had been to Washington DC. We were chatting and everything was going nicely.

She was telling me that she hadn't run into many Turkish people out at night because of the snow. She joked,"Maybe if they go out the snow will melt their brown skin right off of them."

'WHAT THE FUCK?' I thought. Not only is that racist, but how is snow going to melt other things? Snow is cold. But it was the rare moment when I actually avoided confrontation, because she was in her underwear. She could have said Hitler was right and I wouldn't have said anything. In fact, when I was in Vienna, a German girl had said that Jews were responsible for 9/11 and I let it go... because she was in her underwear.

Apparently I look Turkish, according to one of the guys working at my hotel. It makes sense because people often speak Turkish to me when I notice they speak English to other people who look like foreigners. Of course, because I can't speak any Turkish, I still pay the foreigner price.

Today, I walked to the Grand Bazaar. Eh. There are a lot of stores in a covered area. It's essentially a giant semi-open air mall. Big whoop. It wasn't the experience that traversing through Old Delhi was. But the bazaar and the jewel room at the Topkapi palace yesterday made me thankful I'm not here with a girlfiend. I can't think of much worse than going from shop to shop browsing through everything. And those Ottoman jewels were so lavish, I would look inferior in a girlfriend's eyes no matter what I do.

One last thing. The snow has stopped and the sun is out. On the way to lunch, a truck's passenger side mirror came about three inches from smacking me in the face. I've spent the last two hours talking to a Turkish guy here at the hotel who loves the NBA. Before that, a French couple who spoke no English came in. The Turkish guy was calm but frustrated and began yelling slowly in English so they would understand what he was saying better. They didn't. See, it's not just Americans who do that.

Seeing the Sites

2012-02-09T16:09:00.001-05:00

My sleeping schedule resembles that of a murderer. I woke up at 3am today. I eventually went out in the blinding snow. I went into the Blue Mosque complex, but the inside was closed to visitors for prayers. I later went to the Aya Sofya, which was overwhelming. To see such a magnificent building built so long ago is astonishing.

If all I had seen was the Aya Sofya, dayenu. But I also went to the Topkapi Palace. The most emotional part was viewing the sword purportly belonging to King David, the rod belonging to Moses, Abraham's sauce pan, and Mohammad's foot print and a drinking cup. When you see something tangible allegedly belonging to these prophets, it begins to make them real. That is a profound experience.

The rest of the palace was also great. I enjoyed the circumcision room. Each room within the palace was dripping with opulence. That too was overwhleming. A lot was overwhelming on this day. I also visited the harem, which honestly wasn't worth the extra money in my opinion. At least not nearly the price of admission.

While viewing the weapons of the Ottoman's, I think I discovered why they lost. They had the most exquisite swords and axes that were labeled 19th and 20th century. How about I shoot you and we'll see what kind of damage your golden sword can do? When I was leaving the palace, I passed a group of American college students. I began to gawk at two girls in the back of the group, more because of their accent than anything else. I hadn't heard an American accent since the plane. I was also deciding if I wanted to ask them where they're from. But because of exhaustion and the cold, my reactions were slow and instead I was simply awkwardly staring at them. They noticed.

The whole day it's been snowing heavily although it's not sticking to the ground. It makes the streets very slushy and my shoes and socks were soaked through. The challenge is to keep my shoes from smelling bad for the rest of the trip. Also, I forgot to bring a jacket, so I've invented a new "Putz who forgot to bring his jacket and is too cheap to buy a new one so, yes that's right, he's wearing a fleece over a hoodie" look.

I went back to the room after lunch at about 4pm. I thought I'd take a nap and be ready for the night. But I overslept and I'm not hungry at all.

In Istanbul

2012-02-08T13:40:00.002-05:00

I went through some kind of awakening on the plane over here. I thought about the traits that give me reason to feel insecure and it was healing in that I was able to address them and feel more confident afterwards. I think it also finally hit me that my grandpa died 13 years ago. I was less nervous heading into this trip than for past ones, but I still fretted about the small things. But everything went smoothly. There really is no sense in worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.

Alright, enough philosophy. On the plane from DC to NYC, a man was talking to the Irish guy next to him way too loudly. He said, "I'm from Philly, then I moved to California, now I'm in South Carolina, and my wife and mistress are from the Philippines." Everyone around him laughed. The Irish guy replied, "Well, you're sitting next to the right person, I'm a Roman Catholic priest."

On the plane to Istanbul, I watched Moneyball, Hangover number 2, and Million Dollar Baby and cried during one of them. Getting off the plane, everything was very easy and quite nice. There's an underground area with marble floors that takes you from Ataturk airprt to the Metro. The metro and the tram are clean and quite like a DC metro mourning rushhour ride or a trip to Dachau circa 1943. I got to the hotel with little problem and the room was nice for the price.

Then, I slept until now because I didn't sleep on the plane. The only issue so far, besides my amazing feat of somehow knocking the toilet paper into the toilet, is that I'm currently having a fight with that same toilet. It doesn't want to flush like I think it should. Now it's time to eat and get ready for some exploring tomorrow.

Off to Turkey

2012-02-07T00:26:00.001-05:00

I'll be on my way to Turkey later today. Hopefully, I'll be able to blog about it.

Top 5 QBs, RBs, WRs Now

2012-02-06T14:17:00.004-05:00

This list takes more into account than one pass, one game, or even one season. But it's not a list one the best who happen to be active. It also isn't a prediction of what will happen either. Injuries are not ignored. The previous list was posted on February 7, 2011. This is the first year Mike has taken part and the first year for receivers.

Quarterbacks
David (Previous Rank) - Mike
1. Tom Brady (2) - Aaron Rodgers
2. Aaron Rogers (5) - Tom Brady
3. Drew Brees (3) - Drew Brees
4. Ben Roethlisberger (NR) - Eli Manning
5. Eli Manning (NR) - Ben Roethlisberger

Running Backs
David (Previous Rank) - Mike
1. Adrian Peterson (1) - Maurice Jones-Drew
2. Ray Rice (3) - Arian Foster
3. Arian Foster (5) - Ray Rice
4. Maurice Jones-Drew (NR) - Adrian Peterson
5. Chris Johnson (2) - LeSean McCoy

Wide Receivers
David - - - Mike
1. Calvin Johnson - Calvin Johnson
2. Larry Fitzgerald - Larry Fitzgerald
3. Roddy White - Wes Welker
4. Victor Cruz - Steve L. Smith
5. Wes Welker - Roddy White

Super Bowl XLVI Recap

2012-02-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

The New York Giants and New England Patriots played a very strategic contest that turned on three key miscues.In the first half, Kevin Boothe of the Giants was called for a holding penalty on a play in which the Giants earned a first down on a third and short. That penalty led to a punt and killed a promising drive. At that point, the Giants were leading 9-3 and dominating the half with ball control.

As a result, Tom Brady led the Patriots on a 96 yard touchdown drive that ended with 8 seconds remaining in the half. New England went into the half up 10-9 despite hardly having the ball on offense.

The Patriots also got the ball to start the second half. That drive saw Tom Brady at his best, utilizing slant routes in order to move the ball down the field. A touchdown bumped up the New England lead to 17-9. The Giants, who had played so well for 26 minutes of the first half now saw themselves in a dire predicament.

Deep in their own territory, trailing 17-15 after two field goals, the Giants faced a third and long. Rob Ninkovich of the Patriots rushed offsides turned a failed drive into a third and short. The Giants converted and were able to march down, changing field possession.

On the Patriots' second to last drive, Wes Welker dropped a sure catch that was thrown slightly behind him. That would have given the Patriots a chance for at least three if not seven. Instead, the Patriots set the Giants up for a remarkable finish. Eli Manning through a perfect pass to Mario Manningham, who made an outstanding catch.

As the Giants got close to the end zone, the Patriots misplayed the clock. With first down and a little over a minute to go, the Patriots should have let the Giants score to save time and their two timeouts. Instead, Ahmad Bradshaw was tackled and the Patriots called a timeout. On the next play, New England allowed Bradshaw score a TD. The Patriots had given up a few seconds, but more importantly, a precious timeout.

Three Giants' fumbles that were all recovered by New York also contributed to Patriots loss. A failed hail mary sealed the Patriots' fate. They've now lost their last two Super Bowls, both to the Giants.

New York won 21-17 and Eli Manning won his second Super Bowl MVP.

Super Bowl XLVI Preview

2012-02-04T23:56:00.000-05:00

New England Patriots (16-2) vs. New York Giants (12-7)

A mere four years after one of the greatest upsets in sports of the last 25 years, the same two teams are back in the Super Bowl. The Patriots are 3-3 as a franchise in the big game and the Giants are 3-1.

I believe the Giants will win, though it will be close. Part of it is in the numbers. It's been 25 years since the Giants won Super Bowl XXI and 21 years since the Giants won Super Bowl XXV.

More seriously, the Patriots' strength is their passing game, led by Tom Brady. He has weapons in Wes Welker and Rob Gronkowski, who has an ankle injury. New England's running game is solid, led by BenJarvus Green-Ellis, but they tend not to stick with the run.

The Giants have a good passing game as well. Eli Manning is not in the class of Brady, but he has more weapons. Victor Cruz has emerged this season. Hakeem Nix and Mario Manningham are two other quality receivers. The Giants have a better running game than the Patriots. Ahmed Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs are the Giants' two running backs and represent a change of pace from one another.

New York's running game and their defense will make the difference. Jean Pierre Paul has had a wonderful year of the Giants defense and with Osi Umenyiora, New York should be able to pressure Brady. New England's pass defense is very weak. The Giants will be able to hold the ball in order to keep Brady off the field when they see fit and pass deep when they need to. Brady's greatness will keep his team in the game.

In the end, the Giants will win 24-21. Bradshaw will be the MVP.

The 7-11 Debate

2012-02-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

I went into a 7-11 that I don't normally visit. I showed my Slurpee cup to get credit for a refill. When it was time to pay, I asked for the 2 hot dogs for $2.29 deal. The clerk said I had misunderstood the deal. he said I had to match, for example, a hot dog with a corn dog.

I asked, "You're saying I can't match two hot dogs?" He said I couldn't. I queried, "Is that just for this 7-11?" He said no, it's for every 7-11. I retorted, "But every other 7-11 has given me 2 hot dogs for $2.29." The clerk relented.

A middle aged Asian man was standing next to me laughing. He told me in astonishment, "That conversation was like a sit-com!" I answered, "My whole life is like that."

I felt I had jewed my way in to getting the hot dogs. That doesn't mean cheating; it means arguing in a logically irrefutable manner regardless of the amount of money in question. Perhaps, 7-11 values a hot dog more than a corn dog, so they don't want me to have two hot dogs. Fine, but then I should be able to get two corn dogs. The clerk stated that the two items had to be different for me to get the deal, which just seems like an unnecessary nuisance. I can't imagine that was the deal they drew up at 7-11 headquarters. And I'm sure the deal is "mix and match", meaning that acquiring two hot dogs should fall well within the confines of the deal offered.

I may have won the argument and paid only $2.29 for the 2 hot dogs, but, if the night I've had on the toilet so far is any indication, I really lost.

Not Fighting for My Freedom

2012-01-31T23:49:00.001-05:00

I don't accept that killing poor people in Afghanistan is fighting for my freedom. Especially when that war is used to justify the counter-terrorism provision in the NDAA, the Patriot Act, and the indefinite detention of U.S. citizens at Guantanamo.

A Football Survey

2012-01-30T23:59:00.001-05:00

Recently, there was a surprising survey in which married women had to choose who they would sleep with, Eli Manning or Tom Brady, and they shockingly chose... me.

Death in the Campaign

2012-01-29T22:35:00.001-05:00

My fellow citizens, it is with great sadness that I announce the sudden death of former presidential candidate Ronna Paulo, who was suffocated to death when aborted fetuses were jammed down her throat. Ms. Paulo was a champion of freedom, democracy, and human rights. her voice will be sorely missed. In her memory, we will cancel all of the other scheduled debates.

Unfortunately, we had one candidate at last night's debate who did not show the same kind of devotion to these qualities that did Ms. Paulo. Willard Newton said that Ms. Paulo should be "disposed" at last night's debate. So, Willard Newton will pay the price in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

Today's degrees

Here is Willard Newton, bound and shackled. First, let's mess up his perfectly quaffed hair with the shades of gray on the tips of his sideburns that kind of looks like a toupee.

Next, stomp him in the nuts.

Ok, now let's have the judo master come over and put his fat face in your vice-like grip.

Yeehaw! Now let's rip his dick off, sprinkle some beet sugar on it, and send that shit to the moon! This is what happens when someone tries to undermine the freedom, democracy, and human rights we all hold dear.

The Debate

2012-01-28T23:00:00.001-05:00

Hello and welcome to tonight's presidential debate. I'm your moderator Bernard Shaw. Yep, this is what happened to me. Now, let's welcome our candidates onto the stage. First is Willard Newton. Next is Betty Buxom. Our next candidate is Obotu Chiluba. Coming out now we have Ronna Paulo. And we've saved the best for last, here he is, the Dear and Fearless Leader.

Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, how are you doing?
DFL: Pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty pre-tty good, Bernie. Thanks for asking.
Shaw: You are most welcome, your holiness. Now, let's turn to Mr. Newton. What is your plan to turn around the economy?
Newton: First of all, let me say that the Dear and Fearless Leader has done a wonderful job with the economy. Personally, I have no ideas on how to improve it. If the Dear and Fearless Leader has some ideas, then I would agree with them. Otherwise, I would leave the economy as it is.
Shaw: How about you, Ms. Buxom? How would you stimulate the economy? And might I say that is a rather revealing and ravishing dress you're wearing.
Buxom: Well, tee-hee, I know a little something about stimulating things, isn't that right Dear and Fearless Leader? I made his stock rise high.... and hard. (She winks and blows the Dear and Fearless Leader a kiss)
Shaw: Dear and Fearless Leader, rebuttal?
DFL: Not now bitch, my family's here!
Shaw: Dr. Chiluba, what do you think of the state of the nation? We've had a failed war, a crumbling economy, and opponents have disappeared. Of course, none are the fault of the Dear and Fearless Leader who will guide us out of this mess.
Chiluba: I think the nation is strong. I don't anything about a failed war. I know we defeated those Tajik devils. I think the economy is doing well. Just look at how well the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing. He is very rich! We have no opponents disappear, only enemies. I think the Dear and Fearless Leader is doing swell.
Paulo: Bernard, can I say something here. The Dear and Fearless Leader has destroyed this country. We've seen protests in the streets. To cover up his mistakes and quell the protests, he started a phony war that turned out to be a disaster. We were attacked on May 6 and our leader has used that attack to distract us from our nation's real problems. If anyone speaks against him, they are killed. I cannot sit here in silence. Or worse yet, go along with this administration. We need a revolution. I hope these elections are free and fair. The people will vote out the leader if they are. And...
Shaw: Time. Ok, time for a commercial break.

Shaw: And we're back.
Newton: Bernie, the vitriol we heard before the break from Ronna was uncalled for. I suggest that we dispose of her, Dear and Fearless Leader.
DFL: No. This is a free country. This election is free and fair. Allow me to make a decree.
Newton, Buxom, Chiluba: Bless you Dear and Fearless Leader. We would be honored.

Today's decrees
All candidates for the presidency shall speak their minds in the name of freedom, democracy, and human rights.

This debate is hereby over. I need to discuss some, ahem, policy issues with Ms. Buxom in the back.

The HarazQuack Effect: Jordan Crawford

2012-01-27T00:37:00.000-05:00

We all know that Nick Young plays much better when I go to the game. But did you know that Jordan Crawford also goes crazy when I see him play live? Now you do.

When I go to the game, Crawford averages 22.7 ppg, 4.3 apg, shoots 51.1% FG, 54.4% 3PT, and 92.9% FT.

When I don't go to the game, Crawford averages 13.6 ppg, 3.2 apg, shoots 38% FG, 22.9% 3PT, and 82.1% FT with the Wizards.

Where are my free season tickets, Jordan?

Wizards vs. Bobcats

2012-01-26T00:29:00.003-05:00

This was the worst NBA game I've ever seen in person. It was worse than the Blatche near-triple double vs. the nets two years ago that I went to myself. This game had 42 turnovers and 26 (yes, 26!) blocks. Most of the blocks were stupid offensive players throwing the ball into the hands of the defender.

it looked like one of those little kids games they play at halftime where no one gets a shot off for 5 straight possessions until some kid pulls up and airballs a deep three. it was a blowout too. My friend and I were amazed at how the Wizards could have built such a big lead while playing so terribly.

It was a shame for the sport of basketball. Really, I should get my money back it was so poorly played. At one point, my friend and I were trying to determine which was worse, this game or the Holocaust. We finally decided on the Holocaust because so many people died in such a horrific fashion, but one thing the Holocaust has going for it is there were no inflatable mascots dancing.

My Night at the Roseland Ballroom

2012-01-23T23:54:00.000-05:00

I walked into the Roseland Ballroom with my blue wristband, indicating that I was a member of the media. I walked into the cozy room and took it all in, sitting mere feet from the boxing ring. Finally, I asked an usher where I could go. He said, "Well, I know the blue wristband means you can go in here." He was talking about being inside the metal gates that separate the immediate ringside from the rest of the room. My eyes widened.

But he wanted to check. He asked a more senior usher who pointed to a table just outside of the metal gate. I stalked the table, noticing recognizable names and saw "Thomas Hauser," Mike Coppinger," and "Mitch Abramson." But I couldn't find my own.

I asked another usher and he advised me to ask the box office guys. They told me there was a row in the back on the stage. I informed the clueless ushers who thanked me profusely for clearing up the confusion. So, the seats weren't ringside, but they were pretty great... and free! Pretty good for a guy who started a blog about Jewish boxers two years ago, which, by the way, has been rated as the seventh best ethnic-specific boxing blog on the internet by Made Up Boxing Magazine.

In the first fight, Alex Perez KOed an over-matched and much-smaller Josh Sosa. It would be the only KO of the night. The next fight involved two women heavyweights. Both were listed as over 200 pounds. Being only two thirds of their weight fostered some weird attraction to them within me. It turned out to be an entertaining scrap that correctly ended in a draw. I thought Carlette Ewell won the first three rounds and the hometown favorite, Sonya Lamonakis, won the final three. When the decision was announced, Ewell despicably taunted Lamonakis. It made me sad for the state of boxing.

Thomas Hardwick, an affable man of great popularity if not talent, earned a decision over the winless Richard Mason. I've watched both fight before. Last May, Hardwick took on an opponent who didn't want to be there and had trouble getting rid of him. Mason has some talent, but his performances were uneven both times I've watched him. If he was the least bit consistent, he wouldn't be half-bad.

The next fight was half of the reason why I was there. Ran Nakash, the Israeli former title challenger, dominated nearly every second of his fight against the tough Derek Bryant. Danny McDermott and Terry Butterbaugh fought to a draw. I've watched Butterbaugh fight before also. He is awkward and sometimes looks out of place in the ring. At other times, the kilt-wearing fighter shows some ability. He's 1-0-1 when I'm in the audience.

Hot prospect Luis Del Valle had a less-than-stellar showing against veteran Jose Angel Beranza. Newt Gingrich won South Carolina and I took care of my Fantasy Prez stuff. Then, Boyd Melson fought Sean Rawley Wilson and won in Ran Nakash-like fashion. I missed most of the Monaghan-Bailey fight writing up the Nakash and Melson bouts. Much of the crowd left afterwards, an indication of Monaghan's extensive and passionate following.

In theory, I'm against ring card girls. I feel it's demeaning to women and brings out the worst in men. In reality, the blonde girl smiled at me!

In the main event, DeMarcus "Chop Chop" Corley fought Gabriel "Tito" Bracero. I was rooting for the DC-native, Corley, who was a heavy underdog. Bracero was undefeated and fighting at home. Chop Chop was on a 6-fight losing streak and had lost 8 of his last 9 bouts. I was his only fan in the room.

Corley managed to hurt Bracero early and often. He knocked down Tito three times. In the eighth, the light-punching Bracero buckled Corley. Referee Eddie Claudio called it a knockdown. After the round, I shook my head in disgust at the ref when he glanced in my direction. But Corley won by unanimous decision, although the scores were way too close. Corley ended up winning because of the knockdowns.

After driving up to New York all afternoon in some kind of rainy slush, it was time to head home. There was the walk to the subway. The realization that I had somehow entered the right and wrong subway entrance (right line, wrong direction). The subway took me to Penn Station, which I walked around several times before finding the NJ Transit area. The train took me to Metropark.

At this point it was 2am. I traversed the Metropark parking lot. I had written my parking space "3327" on the ticket. I found "3369" and then "3367." I figured that would take me to my car. I followed the numbers despite not seeing any car in the row. I found "3329." The next space was marked "4327." I badmouthed the arbitrary numbering and raced one level below. It was 5:30am when I got home from a great night of boxing.

Blame Wizards Fans

2012-01-17T18:18:00.001-05:00

The Wizards suck. The reason they suck is very simple. It's the fans fault. Yeah, I said it.

I attend the Wizards game against the Houston Rockets. John Wall had the game of his life, but the rest of the team fell flat. The Wizards took bad shots, made stupid turnovers, and didn't play any defense. When JaVale McGee made his silly dunk off the backboard, I immediately turned to my friend- a Wizards fan- and said, "A winning team would never try a play like that. These guys are a bunch of losers." He nodded his head in pitiful resignation.

I am not a Wizards fan. But I felt so bad, I decided I need to do something. I waited for an appropriate moment, which didn't take long, and booed as loud as I could. I repeated as often as I felt worthy. A few Wizards fans joined, but I couldn't start a wave of boos. Not even my friend would boo. Wizards fans just refuse to boo their team. They are satisfied with failure.

I am a Knicks fan. If the team doesn't give their best effort, they get booed. If they consistently get booed, management makes changes. Wizards fans need to learn how to boo. It's the only way things will change for your incredibly embarrassing franchise.

Pissing on the Taliban

2012-01-14T12:34:00.001-05:00

The video showing four American marines urinating on the corpses of three Taliban members has provoked several profound questions.

During the 1990s, only three countries in the world recognized the Taliban's authority in Afghanistan (Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and UAE). The group faced near-universal condemnation for their anti-woman, anti-Shia, and anti-Milton Berle stances. In 2001, in the wake of the attacks of September 11, few disagreed with the U.S.-led invasion against the Taliban.

Fast forward a little more than ten years. After yet another horrendous American scandal in Afghanistan, the Taliban said that though these actions are inhumane, peace negotiations would continue. Think about that for a second. That is a tremendously wise and mature sentiment. The Taliban actually has the moral high-ground over the United States at this point. How far have we fallen? That is the impact of war; we lose our values, our core, our sense of self. It makes me sick.

On the other hand, the urination scandal shines a bright spotlight on humanity itself. Some people have decried the logic behind the Geneva Convention's principle that it's ok to kill someone, but you can't pee on them afterwards.What does that say about human beings that we have rules for being respectful to people after we've murdered them?

My final point. I've lived for about 11,000 days on this Earth. I've peed some multiple of 11,000. I've never filmed myself doing it.

My One Man Show

2012-01-12T23:50:00.002-05:00

Please join me tomorrow for the premier of my one man show called

Toilet Seat Covers and Automatic Flush Toilets: an anti-Semitic conspiracy

The show consists of me trying to place a toilet seat cover on the toilet seat and then sitting down on said toilet before the automatic flush is triggered thereby flushing the toilet seat cover down the toilet.

The show is 90 minutes.

Update on Darius Washington

2012-01-11T22:15:00.001-05:00

Darius Washington's two missed free throws have always left their mark with me. In the 2005 Conference USA championship game, Washington had a chance to put Memphis into the NCAA tournament. Instead, he missed two out of three attempts. I wrote about that moment and his subsequent redemption five years ago.

Washington then went pro and wasn't drafted. But he fulfilled his NBA dream the following year. The 2007-8 NBA season would be his first and only stint in the league.

Washington has been playing overseas since. It seems he's turned himself into a valuable player for Roma in the Italian league and now for Ankara in the Turkish league. His stats are here. I'm so happy for him. And I want him to know that the way he managed to pick himself up and dust himself off after missing those two free throws in 2005 has always been an inspiration for me. Sometimes, our greatest positive impact comes in our worst moment.

Back to Work

2012-01-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

Hello fellow citizens. It has been a long time since we've spoken. I've been on vacation for the past few months. The rumors- that my hot Tajik nurse Delruba was actually a spy only sleeping with me in order to get her ideas implemented, ideas that would ultimately severely weaken our nation in retaliation for my bellicose rhetoric and the resulting breakup has crushed me to the point where I've just been in my room crying, listen to Common's Lovin' I Lost, and raping my servants in order to gain back control over something, anything- are not true.

On my vacation, I decided what my nation needs. To the citizens camping out in the streets in protest, I hear you. That is why I am calling for elections. We'll hold them in the American form.

Today's decrees
First, there will be a series of primaries to determine the candidates in the general election. All are welcomed to run for the leadership of our great land. In fact, I dare you.

I will begin campaigning as of this moment. My campaign slogan is "GOD help you if you HOPE for CHANGE." Vote Dear and Fearless Leader!

Tebow Ironically Injured Tebowing

2012-01-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

Tim Tebow, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, injured himself performing his trademark move before the start of the second half yesterday in a playoff game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

As Tebow was Tebowing- a gesture where one falls to a knee, places their elbow on the other knee, and their fist on their forehead in an act of prayer- the quarterback felt a pop in his groin. Tebow screamed, "Ow, shit! Fucking Jesus Christ!" He then grabbed his crotch and collapsed to the ground.

Tebow Tebowing

According to experts, this particular groin injury, with the proper medical treatment, would be no more than a nuisance for a normal passing quarterback. But since Tebow is such an inaccurate passer that he's forced to rely on his legs, Tebow missed the second half of the game. He's listed as day-to-day.

Tebow has also decided to eschew medical treatment for the injury. Instead, he is "relying on the power of Jesus Christ to heal me." The Denver QB continued, "Jesus's love will bring my groin back to where it needs to be so I can find the hole, penetrate it, and score."

Denver managed to defeat the Steelers because of the heroics of reserve quarterback Brady Quinn. Head Coach John Fox said of Quinn, "Brady won us the game by not throwing four interceptions and going like 8-26 passing. Sure, he sucks. But he's like the reincarnation of John fucking Elway compared to that other guy. Where's Kyle Orton when you need him?"

Denver faces the New England Patriots on Saturday and then will start preparing for next season on Sunday.

GOP Candidates Race-Baiting

2012-01-08T17:54:00.000-05:00

The Republican presidential candidates have consistently been antagonistic towards black people in the hopes of garnering the white racist vote. The white racist vote is not as important as it was before, but it was always remain an integral part of a Republican primary.

During today's debate, Rick Perry said Obama doesn't reflect the foundering fathers. Although explicitly the issue was socialism, this was a subtle jab at Obama's race. Rick Santorum touts his welfare-to-work program that disproportionately hurt poor black people. Newt Gingrich argues that black children should work because their families don't and scolds black people for their perceived reliance on entitlement programs. Ron Paul claims he's done more for civil rights than anyone in either party, but doesn't even believe in "black rights."

The Republicans are not even trying to court black people's vote. And they are attempting to appeal to white racists with this rhetoric. It's a subtle attempt to capitalize on the backlash against the election of Obama. The candidates deny the legacy of history as if we are all born in a vacuum. Hundreds of years of systematic bigotry have led to the current socio-economic inequalities. Those inequalities have not magically disappeared with the election of the first black president. Yet, the Republicans blame poor black folks for their plight. They show no empathy. It's quite disgusting.

2012 NFL Playoff Predictions

2012-01-07T13:46:00.001-05:00

First of all, I am turned off by the NFL Playoffs because Pittsburgh and Atlanta are the 5 seed and have to start on the road despite having better records than the teams they're playing. If the NFL wants to give each division winner a top four seed, I disagree with it, but I can accept it. But at least give the better team a home game.

Wildcard
6 Cin over 3 Hou 13-9
5 Pit over 4 Den 28-12
3 NO over 6 Det 38-28
4 NYG over 5 Atl 20-13

Divisional
1 NE over 6 Cin 31-10
2 Bal over 5 Pit 21-16
3 NO over 2 SF 14-6
1 GB over 4 NYG 24-20

Conference
2 Bal over 1 NE 20-16
3 NO over 1 GB 33-27

Super Bowl XLVI
Bal over NO 27-22

An Odd Rape Statistic

2012-01-02T01:04:00.000-05:00

I'm reading Rory Stewart's The Prince of Marshes and on page 10 I came across an officer, who was briefing civil servants headed for Iraq that if they are taken hostage, they will be raped.

The officer says, "Since you will be taken hostage by Arabs it is likely that they will male-rape you. Remember that in seventy-five percent of cases when you are male-raped, you will get an erection or ejaculate."

I'm wondering how they come up with a stat like that?

Is it through scientific male-rape testing of broke college students? Or are released kidnapped male-rape victims telling people that they had an erection or ejaculated while being raped? "Oh my, it was so terrible. I thought I would die at every moment. They took turns pinning me down and raping and humiliating me. It made me very hard until I shot a huge load." Would you admit something like that?

The 2011 Bills

2012-01-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

The Bills started the season 3-0 and were 5-2 at one point. At least it meant they would finish at least 5-11, right? Ugh. They finished 6-10.

Ryan Fitzpatrick played out of this world at the start of the season. But two things happened. Defenses finally caught up to the offenses and the quarterback signed a huge deal. He promptly played terrible. Fred Jackson, who finally got a shot to be the every down back, played great until he injured himself for the season int he middle of the year.

The Bills defense was never really that good and the special teams took a hit when the kicker, Rian Lindell (who has been on my fantasy team for 9 straight seasons) was also injured for the year.

Superstar Stevie Johnson had a great year. But he has the personality of a free spirit, which for some reason is really frowned upon in the NFL. The league expects military-like discipline. It's pretty sickening really. Johnson is being railroaded just as Ocho Cinco and T-O have been. These guy haven't done anything wrong off the field. They're just characters and enjoy having fun when they perform well on the field. It is a game after all. It should be fun.

The Bills lost 7 in a row in the middle of the season with Chan Gailey at the helm. Gailey looked like an offense genius early on, but the team has actually regressed since Dick Jauron was fired. Dick Jauron put up insanely good years with the lack of talent he had on the team. He shouldn't have been fired.

2011 into 2012

2011-12-31T23:08:00.002-05:00

I'm very thankful for all the challenges presented to me this year and for all my failings. They've helped me find faith in myself and discover my true sense of self-worth.

2012 NBA Predictions

2011-12-26T03:27:00.001-05:00

The lockout is over and the NBA is finally back.

In the East, I like the Knicks and the Heat to play in the Conference Finals.
The 76ers and the Bulls will make the Semis.
The Magic (if Howard stays), the Hawks, the Pacers, and the Celtics will lose in the first round. If Howard leaves, the Bucks will make it.

In the West, the Thunder and the Spurs will make the Conference Finals.
The Mavs and the Grizzlies will make the Semis.
The Lakers, Clippers, the Blazers, and the Nuggets will lose in the first round.

The Heat over the Thunder 4-1.

Encroaching Shariah

2011-12-25T00:54:00.002-05:00

Reason #148 why the impending Muslim take over and subsequent imposition of Shariah law is a good thing:

At least shit will be open during Christmas.

Oh, the Irony

2011-12-23T22:09:00.003-05:00

I stopped at a stop sign. I was looking to make a right turn as it was the end of the road. I looked left and began to drive. Out of nowhere, a middle aged white man on a bicycle runs the stop sign and darts out into the middle of the road. I quickly shifted my car into the second lane from the right as to not hit him.

I drive to the right light and stop. The man on the bicycle rides past me on my left an, looks back, and mutters something at me. I scream out of my ope window, "I had the right of way!" The man turns around and peddles back towards me.

"I had the right of way!" I scream again. "How do you figure?" he asks. "I was there first." Then he makes up something about driving lines. I tell him, "Listen, if you're on the road, you have to follow the rules. I was there first. I had the right away. You had to get behind me." He repeats some shit about driving lines.

He peddles off into the left turn lane. The light turns green and I drive by him yelling, "You have to follow the rules! You have to follow the rules!"

I pass the intersection and look down and realize I'm wearing my Curb Your Enthusiasm shirt.

The Superfluous Pound-for-Pound Best

2011-12-21T00:33:00.000-05:00

Here is the year-end version of my obnoxiously unnecessary and utterly superfluous list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The previous list was posted on September 21.

1) Floyd Mayweather (42-0, 26 KOs), [Previous Rank: 2]
2) Manny Pacquiao (54-3-2, 38 KOs), [PR: 1]
3) Juan Manuel Marquez (53-6-1, 39 KOs), [PR: 6]
4) Sergio Martinez (48-2-2, 27 KOs), [PR: 3]
5) Wladimir Klitschko (56-3, 49 KOs), [PR: 4]
6) Vitali Klitschko (43-2, 40 KOs), [PR: 5]
7) Nonito Donaire (27-1, 18 KOs), [PR: 8]
8) Andre Ward (25-0, 13 KOs), [PR: NR]
9) Timothy Bradley (28-0, 12 KOs), [PR: 7]
10) Lamont Peterson (30-1-1, 15 KOs), [PR: NR]

Exiting the list:
Bernard Hopkins (52-5-2, 32 KOs), [PR: 9]
Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (83-3-1, 44 KOs), [PR: 10]

Kim Jong-Il is Dead

2011-12-19T23:55:00.000-05:00

This has been a momentous year in terms of deaths for America's enemies. Gaddafi, bin Laden, and now Kim have all perished in 2011. Many Americans rejoice at the news of these men's deaths. I ask myself, "Why?"

All human life is sacred. That is an essential truth that neither Gaddafi, bin Laden, nor Kim understood or acknowledged. That doesn't excuse us from remembering it. Though these men were responsible for much misery in the world, they were valuable because they were human.

Another aspect we Americans also miss is that Gaddafi, bin Laden, and Kim do not hold a monopoly on murder. Leaders all over the world, including in those in the United States, are also responsible for the loss of innumerable lives.

We celebrate when death happens to a so-called enemy and mourn when someone on our side dies. Whether or not the deceased person is a murderer doesn't determine if we mourn or celebrate. The question is: did they kill the right people? We must move past this and condemn all killing while celebrating all life.

Incestuous Americans

2011-12-17T11:57:00.000-05:00

In Minnesota, a high school played a prank on its own athletes. The athletes were blindfolded and told they were making out with their sweethearts and then were asked to guess the person they were kissing.

But instead of their sweethearts, they were making out their opposite sex parent. Watch the video here.

Even the Saudi royal family is creeped out by this.

The Accident and the Idiot

2011-12-13T23:57:00.004-05:00

I was making a right turn, one of those protected by an island. I thought I could go, but realized a car was going faster than I had thought, so I stopped. Four seconds later.... BAM!

I got rear-ended. I pulled over to the side, stuck my hand out of the window motioning the car behind me to pull over. It didn't.

I got out of the car and motioned for the car to pull over. It was still frozen. I kept motioning and telling the person to pull over, pointing behind my car. The car pulled out into the road as if to drive off.

I ran into the middle of the road in front of the car screaming. "You hit me! Pull over!" The car stopped before hitting me. I walked around to the man's open window. "You hit me, right?! Pull over!" The man, a black man in a silver car with paper plates indicating the newness of his vehicle, meekly answered, "I was pulling over." I said ok and started walking back to my car.

Suddenly, the man peeled out and sped off.

I jumped into my car, started it, and raced after him.

But I couldn't catch him. I missed my exit looking for him. At a light, a woman in a red SUV pulled up next to me and we talked through the open windows. "I saw what happened. I can't believe he drove off. I would be so pissed."

At the next light, a bearded man got out of his pickup truck behind me and walked to my window. "I saw what happened back there. I've already called the police and given them a description. They're looking for the guy." At that point, I halted my search and turned around to go back home.

I was surprised at the mention of the police. It never occurred to me to call them. The funny thing is that had the guy pulled over and we exchanged information, I likely wouldn't have even called in the claim to the insurance company. It's just nice to have the information in case something did unexpectedly happen to the car on the way home.

I was pleasantly surprised that so many people had my back. I thought to myself, even though people are miserable and stupid, they're also wonderful. I had another thought; I'm lucky this happened in Virginia, because if it happened in Maryland or DC, nobody would've given a damn.

My Night at Khan-Peterson

2011-12-11T23:14:00.002-05:00

The wait for the announcement of the scores was excruciating. It felt very long. The crowd was quiet and filled with consternation until they showed Amir Khan and Lamont Peterson a third or fourth time and we all cheered for our man. After Michael Buffer announced the scores, one for Khan, one for Peterson, and the final one 113-112, the crowd- myself included- shouted "And new! And new!" as if willing Buffer to say those words.

When he did, everyone went crazy. I can't remember the last time I literally jumped for joy. People were running around. We were all screaming and pumping our fists. Chants of DC filled the hall. The last time I experienced that kind of collective feeling was five years ago on George Mason's campus when we had just made the Final Four. The Inauguration didn't compare to last night.

Earlier in the night, I walked into the hall, which had a barn-like feel. I found my seat far back and realized quickly, because most seats were flat on the ground, that I couldn't see. So I moved over one section in the hopes that no one would ask my to move. Thankfully, they didn't.

I came at the end of a Joshua Davis decision victory. Both Terron Grant and fan favorite Dusty Harrison won by first round KOs against over-matched opponents. I saw Dusty's father Buddy walking around later.

Fernando Guerrero earned a beautiful KO in a fight that didn't get the crowd going like the others because Guerrero reps Salisbury. I thought Jamie Kavanagh lost 4-2 to Ramesis Gil, though it was ruled a draw. Kavanagh has the hand speed, but didn't have the coordination to use his speed effectively. His defense is also poor; Gil hit him with many wide punches.

Theron Williams Jr. almost stole the show with an outstanding performance in earning a second round TKO. I saw him and his father walk by later. The steam was taken out of the crowd during the Anthony Peterson fight because the boxers didn't enter to music. It didn't help that Peterson faced another DC fighter in Daniel Attah.

The best part of the Seth Mitchell fight was hearing the crowd Ooh and Ah while they were showing the slow-motion replays of Mitchell landing right hand after right hand on the face of a stunned Timur Ibragimov.

I was one section over from the Pakistani fans, who made a lot of noise, mostly with air horns and drums. They were louder per person than the Peterson fans, but drastically outnumbered. The vast majority of the crowd were black people from DC. The fans backed Peterson and booed Khan, but it wasn't until the third round, that the crowd threw itself into Lamont's corner.

A "USA" chant was started earlier, but quickly fizzled. A "DC" chant caught on and that seemed to spark Peterson. It also negatively affected Khan. In the third, the crowd hollered with ever punch Peterson landed. That would be the norm throughout the fight.

I stood during the entire fight because many people in front of me were doing the same. Even when they weren't I stood. Khan lost a point for pushing, and the pushing was noticeable. But he should've been deducted a point for constantly pushing Peterson's head down and putting him in a headlock. Lamont kept coming forward and Khan couldn't deal with the pressure. There were whole rounds that Khan was forced to run from the pressure.

In the twelfth, Khan was deducted another point for pushing (and hitting on the break). It made up for the bullshit knockdown call the ref made in the first. Even when Khan kept putting Peterson in a headlock, the ref would warn Peterson for lowering his head! So, the ref was even, if not fair.

When that second point was taken away from Khan int he final round, I screamed. I knew it would be big. In my mind, I knew it would end up being either 6-6 or 7-5 for Khan. That meant that either man would win by a point.

Peterson did. I am so happy for him. He has been through so much in his life, abandoned by his parents, left homeless to raise his younger brother when he was seven years old. Do you think if Lamont had told someone at that time, "I will be a world champion," anybody would've believed him? It shows that anything is possible. You can achieve your dreams, no matter how unlikely. Lamont Peterson is an inspiration.

Gandhi and Hitler

2011-12-06T17:21:00.002-05:00

We tend to treat Mahatma Gandhi as a god and Adolph Hitler as the epitome of evil. The reality is that both are mere human beings. They are not too different from ourselves.

We tend to label them as Good or Evil as a way to distance ourselves from our potential of becoming one or the other. If Gandhi is a god, then we don't need to hold ourselves to the same standard as he did for himself. If Hitler is Evil, then we can rest assured in knowing that we will never duplicate that Evil.

Gandhi was a man of many faults. Hitler was a man of many good qualities. Gandhi's faults do not outweigh his good and Hitler's qualities do not outweigh his evil. But they are reminders of the humanity of these men. They were both complex beings and their roles in human history should not be diminished by oversimplifying those complexities.

More relevant is that we must understand that we have the capacity for good or evil that these men possessed. We may not have the opportunity to act on our good or evil impulses at this point, but they are there. So we must use every moment to better ourselves while recognizing our capacity for evil lies just under the surface.

The Bills are Struggling

2011-12-04T23:40:00.002-05:00

After a positive start, the Bills are struggling. I saw the writing on the wall as the Bills began to turn the ball over and the defense hasn't been proficient. The defense's string of creating turnovers has run out.

One can point to Ryan Fitzpatrick signing a monster deal earlier in the year as the Bills undoing. It might be as Fitzpatrick has seemed to have lost his edge. Losing Fred Jackson for the year has been a killer.

On the bright side, Superstar Stevie Johnson dominated Darrelle Revis last week. I loved his mocking of Plaxico Burress's stupidity and the crashing jet. I just wish the Bills had won the game.

To be in Relationship or Not to be

2011-12-01T21:16:00.005-05:00

There are good things about being in a relationship and good things about not being in a relationship. Let's examine.

The good about being in a relationship:

Emotional intimacy with a woman.
Consistent sex.
Being there for her.
Having her support.
Learning about her interests.
Creating shared moments.
Boobies!
Having her to hold at night.
Smoothing my round edges.
More confidence.

The good about not being in a relationship:

I can watch football all Sunday and not leave the couch.
I can spend Saturday night watching illegal pay per view boxing streams on the internet.
I can go to a basketball game when I want.
I eat what I want.
I go where I want.
I hang out with who I want.
I have time to write in complete sentences.

If only there was some way to combine these two lists.

Old Football Fight

2011-11-29T22:10:00.004-05:00

First of all, I'm kind of upset at Engine Joe Kapp. Punching old people in the face is my thing.

In this video, Angelo Mosca is a dick three times.

Joe Kapp tried to offer an apology for 40+ years of hatred between he and Mosca. He attempts to hand Mosca a flower in peace.

Dick Move #1: Mosca tells Kapp to "shove it up your ass." Whoa! Uncalled for. Kapp takes umbrage and tries to shove the flower down Mosca's throat. Ok ok, there was a better way Kapp could've handled that.

Dick Move #2: Hitting an unarmed man with a cane on the side of his face, knocking off his glasses. Kapp sticks the flower in Mosca's face after being humiliated. Mosca ups the ante a ton by bringing a weapon into this disagreement.

Dick Move #3: Getting knocked the fuck out! The other guy offers peace, you hit him with a cane, and YOU'RE the one getting punched out? You are a dick, Angelo Mosca.

You know who the real victims of this incident are? Imagine how Angelo Mosca's grandchildren feel. Their grandfather is a dick, an asshole, and a pussy all rolled into one fat immobile body. Suddenly, their lives went from, "Your grandpa played in the CFL? Cool!" to "I saw your grandpa get his ass beat by an old man on YouTube. What a loser!"

Life is Fleeting

2011-11-28T01:50:00.004-05:00

One of the most difficult aspects of life is realizing that it is never static. Life is ever-changing. You cannot bottle any one moment and preserve it in any way other than in your memory.

And thus, if every moment is fleeting, how do we enjoy the present? Because it will be no more than a moment in time, gone as quickly as it came, do our actions even really matter?

They may not. But the fact is the present is the only moment we can control. We can long for the past. Or hope for the future. But we can't do anything about either. We only have power over the present.

A Rick Perry Thanksgiving Message

2011-11-25T14:07:00.003-05:00

Here is a letter penned by Governor Rick Perry for this Thanksgiving.

Dear America,

Howdy, y'all! I'm thankful for many things this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for America. I'm thankful to be governor of a great state. I'm thankful for all those jobs I'm gonna create when I'm prez-a-dint. I'm thankful there ain't a debate today. I'm thankful for that coyote I shot in the face when I was jogging a while back. I'm thankful for hair dye.

But there are three things I'm most thankful for. Without these three things, I wouldn't be me. I'm thankful for my wife. I'm thankful for Jesus. And I'm thankful for... um... uh... err... the EPA. No, not the EPA. I'm thankful for... the third thing is... shoot... can't remember. Oops. Sorry.

We don't know what Mitt Romney is thankful for. Is he the Mitt Romney who was thankful before he was before the second amendment before he was against it? Is he the Mitt Romney who was thankful before the abortion after he was against being thankful before he was abortion? I mean, which Mitt Romney is thankful? We don't know.

We know what I'm thankful for. Not that third thing though, because I still can't remember it.

Sunceerly,

Your next prez-a-dint, J. Richard "Rick" Perry

I Am Thankful For Not

2011-11-24T16:38:00.002-05:00

On this day, people often think about things that they have that they are thankful for. But they forget to be thankful for things they don't have.

I am thankful for not having a finger in my penis hole.

I am thankful for not having a disease (that I know about).

I am thankful for not having a tiny penis.

I am thankful for not having to endure repeated bouts of rectal bleeding.

I am thankful for not being a Republican presidential candidate.

I am thankful for not being charged with 40 counts of child molestation and/or sexual abuse of a child.

Can It Really Be? A Jewish MVP!

2011-11-23T21:38:00.005-05:00

Ryan Braun, former NL Rookie of the Year, won the NL MVP for 2011.

YYYYYYYYYYYYIPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 7)

2011-11-19T19:13:00.004-05:00

You can read Episode 6 here.

"Wake up, David."

"Leave me alone. No more!" I answered. My girlfriend, still locked in my arms, facing away from me, asked, "David, who is it?"

"It's Herman Cain, sweetie. He probably has another mission for me to do. I won't do it."

"Listen you, Becky and Stan are being held hostage in Libya by the Taliban. We must rescue them." My girlfriend and I turned to face Herman Cain. I spoke, "Listen, you idiot. None of that made any sense. Leave me alone. And anoth... get your hands off my girlfriend's breasts!"

Cain looked surprised. "Oops. Force of habit." His voice fell deeper and one eyebrow raised. "Hey baby. You want to take part in my 9-9-9 Plan? That's 9 inches for 9 minutes, 9 times a day."

My girlfriend, unfazed, retorted, "Hmm, sounds interesting. It's better than his 2-30 seconds-all the time Plan."

"Hey!" I yelled, embarrassed. "I read online you're supposed to start measuring from the roots, so it's two and half!" She sighed. I continued, "And remember, my record is 94 seconds. That's an eternity. Isiah Thomas scored 16 points in 94 seconds in the fourth quarter of Game 5 of the first round of the 1984 NBA Playoffs!"

"Mmmm baby, are you ready for 9-9-9?"

"It's tempting, but no. I'll have to pass."

"What? Why?"

"Well, because you don't have even a basic understanding of foreign affairs. I only sleep with people who possess that. Plus, I'm really attracted to tiny hirsute Jewish men." I couldn't hide my smile.

"But , but, but, baby. I am going to be president!"

"No you won't. People have finally wised up and realized you're too ignorant to be president." I mentally cheered my girlfriend, still outwardly wearing a smile.

Herman Cain was dejected. It seemed as if he would finally stop haunting my dreams. No more requests to take part in ridiculous missions. Perhaps, I was truly free at last.

I woke up alone. Herman Cain was sliding in the polls due to sustained foreign policy gaffes. It seemed as if I could finally return to my normal dreams, playing sports with Martin Luther King and Mohandas Gandhi and being with cute intelligent women dressed in tight jeans and seductive tank-tops.

KOed By Love

2011-11-16T00:00:00.003-05:00

I was so excited. I had just scored a romantic coup. I had managed to get Jewish Argentine boxer Carolina Raquel Duer the perfect present.

A signed picture of Muhammad Ali running in the former Zaire before the Rumble in the Jungle against George Foreman. Ali, in his gray sweats, is stern and focused, surrounded by the effervescent yellow glow of an early African morning. The picture read:

Dear Carolina,

Belief in one's self is the key to success.

Best Wishes,

Muhammad Ali

"The Greatest"

I slid into the darkness of her room, planning on sliding the picture in the top drawer of her dresser. She would open the drawer and there, staring at her would be a signed, personalized, picture of Muhammad Ali. I was so satisfied at the joy I was about to give her.

I heard the door slam and whispered, "Oh shit!" I took a quick step towards the dresser, but the floor creaked underneath me.

"Who's there!" she screamed. She raced into the dark bedroom and belted me in the stomach. In my pain, my right hand swung out in an effort to block another potential punch. My left hand held firm. Both were still holding the picture.

I tried to tell her, "It's me! It's me!" but the punch had knocked the wind out of me. She threw an uppercut which sent me flying backwards. My head slammed against the wooden floor. I lay motionless save the occasional twitch.

She turned on the light and saw it was me. "Oh, my darling!" Then she saw the two halves of the picture addressed to her and signed by Muhammad Ali. The relationship ended.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 6)

2011-11-15T13:02:00.005-05:00

You can read Episode 5, Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

"David, wake up." That same methodical baritone crashed against my ears. "We have to take on the most important mission to date." One of my eyes crept open. "What now Herman. I'm trying to sleep!" Herman Cain glared at me, his patience clearly leaving him. "A real man would say that a sissy likes to sleep in. A real man would wake up." I rolled my eyes, "Fine. I'm up. What is it?" Herman Cain took a deep breath and stared up into the heavens before looking back at me. "I understand you know something of foreign policy. You must teach me all you know."

"But Herman, I'm no expert."

"Nevertheless David. I am requesting your help. Let us get started immediately."

A few minutes later, we plopped down on opposite sides of a round wooden table. I had created an impromptu syllabus of potential foreign policy issues that Herman Cain must learn if he didn't want to look foolish during the presidential campaign. I started with Uzbekistan.

"Herman, who is the president of Uzbekistan?"

"Who is the president of You-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan? You know, I don't know. Do you know?"

"Yes, Herman. It's Islam Karimov. I've told you that ten times. Please pay attention."

"How is that going to create one job?"

"What? You asked me to help you learn about foreign policy issues."

Cain looked at me indignantly, "Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world, I don't think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country, I'll know who it is. But until then, I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve."

I became aggravated, but resigned to adhere to Cain's wishes. "Fine. That's such a stupid plan, but whatever. Let's just move on to China."

"Herman, do you view China as a potential military threat to the United States?"

"I do view China as a potential military threat to the United States." We sat in silence for nearly 45 seconds.

"Um, Herman. You have to give more than just repeating the question. Why do you view them as a threat?"

"My China strategy is simply outgrow China. It gets back to economics."

"No, Herman, let's stay on China and the military." Herman Cain nodded knowingly and restarted his train of thought.

"We already have superiority in terms of our military capability. And I plan to get away from making cutting our defense a priority. And make investing in our military capability a priority."

"Herman, please stay focused. That doesn't explain why China is a military threat."

"Yes, they're a military threat. They've indicated that they're trying to develop nuclear capabilities. And they're going to develop more aircraft carriers like we have."

"What the hell are you talking about? China's had a nuclear bomb for fifty fucking years, Herman! You need to focus or you're going down in flames. Let's take five."

I rushed out of the room to call my new love interest, the Argentine Jewish boxer, Carolina Raquel Duer. After spending five minutes yelling about what a moron I was working with, Carolina calmly said, "Well, you're only working with such a moron because you never listen to me, you putz! If you listened to me, you'd be working with one of the smarter candidates." I said she was right and we hung up. I reluctantly returned to the study room and that circular wooden table.

"Now Herman. We've talked a lot about the intricacies of our relationship with Pakistan. What course should U.S. policy take with regards to Pakistan?" Herman Cain looked down and took a large gulp as if suppressing an urge to frantically mutter, 'Oh, shit!' He slowly gained his composure. This was par for the course every time I asked Herman Cain a question.

"We don't know. Because Pakistan- it's not clear- because Pakistan was where Osama bin Laden was found and eliminated. Secondly, Pakistan has had a conversation with President Karzai from Afghanistan. And President Karzai has said if the United States gets into a dispute with Pakistan, then Afghanistan's gonna side with Pakistan."

I threw my pen down on the table. "What does that have to do with a clear plan on Pakistan? It's like you're just pulling out random facts that you remember from my lecture and spewing them at me in an illogical cacophony of soundbites."

Cain raised both hands, "There is a lot of clarity missing. Like you say, in this whole region, and they're all interrelated. So there isn't a clear answer as to whether or not Pakistan is a friend or foe."

I slammed my clenched fist on the table, "There's no clarity missing! There is a clear answer, Herman! You're just not paying attention when I talk."

We moved on to torture. I figured this would be easy. Just say you're against torture and we could move on. I asked Herman Cain if he is against torture. He gave his 'Oh shit!' routine before beginning, "I do not agree with torture period! However..." At that point I slapped the presidential candidate across the face. "No! Don't say, 'However.' Just, 'I'm against torture.' That's it. End of discussion."

I decided it best to move onto Libya. It would be a challenge. It was hard to argue with President Obama's actions in Libya from a Republican's perspective. "Herman, what is your opinion on Libya?" Herman Cain appeared to have been hit in the stomach by Carolina Raquel Duer as the question reached his ears. In a pained state, he asked the heavens for an answer. "Ok. Libya." His mind searched for any thing relevant to say.

"President. Obama. Supported. The uprising. Correct?"

"Herman, don't ask me! If a reporter asks you this question, are you going to ask him if you're correct? You'd look like a fucking idiot! Focus, Herman, focus. Do you agree with Obama's policy of removing Gaddafi?"

"I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reasons. Um. No, that's a different one." Gravity slammed my jaw against the table. Cain adjusted in his chair and then continued, "I gotta go back. See. Uh." He was blinking profusely. "I've got all this stuff twirling around in my head."

"I know it's a lot for one day. Let's just focus on Libya, Herman. You can do this."

"Specifically, what are you asking me?"

"About Libya. Do you agree with Obama's action there? I can't dumb it down any more than that."

"Here's what I would have, I would have done a better job of determining who the opposition is. And I'm sure our intelligence people had that information."

I remained speechless for several seconds. I decided to walk around the room in an effort to gather my thoughts. Then the light bulb popped out of my head. "Listen, Herman. Do you want to be president?" He shook his head yes.

"Then you have an awful lot to learn. You can't pull this bullshit and have any chance in hell of being president. If you make even one of these mistakes in public, your campaign is done and people will remember you as a complete fucking dumb-ass for decades to come. The stakes are too high for your candidacy and your reputation." I took a sip of Diet Caffeine-Free Coke and continued.

"Why didn't you learn about this shit before you decided to run? You don't even have an elementary idea of what you're talking about. The ten year old boys Jerry Sandusky was raping in the shower had more foreign policy knowledge than you have. You need to suspend your campaign and spend an indefinite amount of time cramming. You have years and years of catching up to do."

Herman Cain grabbed his cell phone and ordered three Godfather's pizzas. Ten minutes later, the pizzas arrived. They were piled high with veggie toppings. Herman Cain shoveled them all into his face without concern for chewing. The slices of pizza were moistened by a constant stream of tears running down his cheeks and plunging into the pie.

Just then I jolted out of sleep. Herman Cain had committed a series of foreign policy gaffes on Uzbekistan, China, Pakistan, torture, and Libya. His poll numbers had finally started to slide and, perhaps, the dream of a Cain presidency was dying.

The Penn State Scandal

2011-11-14T20:15:00.002-05:00

People should have known that Jerry Sandusky was a pedophile. He was a defensive end at Penn State in the mid 1960s. Because of his aggressive pursuit of the quarterback, his nickname was the "Gamblin' Nambla."

-------------------------------------------------

Assistant coach Mike McQueary: Coach Paterno! Coach Paterno! I just saw Jerry having sex with little boys in the shower!

Paterno: Oh shoot, it's Thursday already? I've got a million things to do.

McQueary: Wait, you know about this?

Paterno: Sure. Every Thursday Jerry brings kids from his charity to our locker room, shows around, has sex with them.

McQueary: Shouldn't we tell someone?

Paterno: Yeah, I told the AD.

McQueary: And?

Paterno: He told the school's president.

McQueary: And?

Paterno: And he told Adolph Eichmann. Listen, I don't know what happened. What do you want from me? I did my legally required duty.

McQueary: Fair enough. I don't think anyone can blame us for this.

------------------------------------------------

"You know Sue, when we started this job here at Penn State 50 years ago, I never could have dreamed that googling 'Joe Paterno' and 'child sex' would get you 55,000 hits."

"That's true Joe. And I bet those forty 10 year olds never could have dreamed they'd be anally raped and no one would say anything."

"Shut up, bitch."

-------------------------------------------------

The child sex abuse scandal has hit the public. Jerry Sandusky's reputation has been shattered. He's all alone sitting on the toilet thinking, "Who knew one little mistake, one little mistake of habitually raping little boys over a span of more than a decade could result in such a backlash. It's so unfair."

Pacquiao-Marquez 3 Decision a Travestry

2011-11-13T02:27:00.003-05:00

Manny Pacquiao won a majority decision last night over Juan Manuel Marquez. He didn't deserve it. I scored the bout 10-2 in favor of Marquez. My "window" was between 10-2 for Marquez and a 6-6 draw. I couldn't see a way Pacquiao legitimately won this fight.

Pacquiao jumped in and tagged Marquez on the shoulders repeatedly. Meanwhile, Marquez continuously nailed Pacquiao with clean counters. After the fight, producers worldwide struggled to find clips of Pacquiao cleanly hitting Marquez for their highlight reels.

Pacquiao spent the entire fight coming forward. He also threw more punches than Marquez. That can trick an inexperienced or incompetent judge into believing Pacquiao deserved the decision. Perhaps I was blinded by the low expectations I had set up for Marquez. I predicted an easy night for Pacquiao.

But the fight I saw had Pacquiao missing and Marquez effectively countering. My understanding of scoring round boils down to which boxer showed the most effective aggression. Pacquiao was aggressive, but Marquez's punches were far more effective.

Marquez is an excellent fighter, extremely intelligent. But he's slow and small. Mayweather has the intelligence, but is fast and big. I see Mayweather countering Pacquiao on route to an easy shutout decision should they ever meet.

Pacquiao-Marquez III Preview

2011-11-12T12:09:00.003-05:00

Manny Pacquiao is the best pound-for-pound boxer in the world in my estimation. Juan Manuel Marquez is sixth. Marquez is a great fighter. But don't believe the hype; he has no shot of winning.

Some will look to the first two bouts between these competitors. Marquez has won more rounds than Pacquiao in those two fights. He was able to hurt Manny. He is an intelligent and knowledgeable pugilist. That's all well and good, but it won't help him tonight.

Pacquiao is better than he was in 2004 and in 2008, when those first two bouts took place. I'm not sure we can say the same thing for the 38 year old Marquez. Most would agree than Pacquiao is a better fighter than Marquez now. Pacquiao is a welterweight; Marquez is a lightweight. So, the better fighter is also the bigger fighter. Pacquiao also has faster hands and more power.

It's the latter point that leads me to believe this fight will be a blowout. In their previous two bouts, Marquez got hit often. He went down four times. That was against a far smaller and less proficient Pacquiao. Marquez will get hit tonight and he will go down. I'm not convinced he'll be able to get up as he has in the past.
-----------------------------------------------------
Many look to Marquez's only other performance above lightweight. He was dominated by Floyd Mayweather at welterweight in 2009. Marquez's team says their fighter's gaining weight in a smarter way this time around. Their new strength coach has been linked to performance enhancing drugs. Yet, on 24/7, Pacquiao's strength and conditioning coach, Alex Ariza, said it didn't concern him even if Marquez was on steroids.

My instinct was to shout at the television, "Of course you don't care, your guy's on steroids!" I found it an odd and illogical position for a clean strength coach to have. But that was merely my instinct. I have no evidence and I'm not accusing either of these fighters of using performance enhancing drugs. I just wish there were more stringent drug tests so there are no doubts.

A New Republican Candidate

2011-11-09T00:30:00.003-05:00

I'm throwing my hat into the Republican presidential campaign. I have the policy proposals the people want.

I think government sucks. I hate abortions and gay marriage. Mexicans should go back to Mexicano. I enjoy sexually harassing women and killing coyotes during my jogging sessions. I'm also a big fan of racist hunting ground names and praying away the gay. I'm for building three walls on the southern border and electrifying two of them. I wouldn't allow any Muslims in my administration or any government job for that matter. I would force Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan, and several other countries to reimburse us for the bombs we've dropped on them. Bombs are expensive. I'd cut taxes all to 4.5%. I'd also raise all taxes to 4.5% for everyone on everything. Lastly, and most importantly, I will flip flop on every single issue listed above.

This just in... I'M THE NEW FRONT RUNNER FOR THE NOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 5, Part 2)

2011-11-08T00:44:00.006-05:00

You can read Episode 5, Part 1 here.

The Ugandan reporters turned their attention back to Herman Cain. "If what this man says is true, Mr. Cain, you sexually harassed him." Herman Cain became defensive. "First, I have never sexually harassed anyone. And yes, I have never sexually harassed anyone. Secondly, I have never sexually harassed anyone. I can tell you unequivocally, I have never sexually harassed anyone outside of the plane in question."

Herman Cain and I were walking around in the bush of northwestern Uganda searching for Joseph Kony and the Lord's Resistance Army. On advice from Rush Limbaugh, Herman Cain intended to join up with the supposedly Christian LRA in order to fight President Obama's supposedly socialist Muslim troops. I was threatened into joining Herman Cain despite my stringent objections.

We stopped as the sun passed to the west and set up camp. As we became settled, Herman Cain pulled a skirt out of his knapsack. "Here, put this on." I took the skirt and became puzzled. "What? Why?"

"Listen, just do it. If you do not I will leave you stranded. You will be left out here to die." I did not posses Herman Cain's acumen for the outdoors. I relented. "No, take off you pants and underwear." He must be kidding, I thought. I checked his face. He wasn't. I did as I was told and covered my exposed genitalia with the skirt. "No, hike up that skirt so your goodies are showing." My head sank, but I did as I was told. My privates hung in the cool Ugandan night.

"Now that is what I am talking about, baby." Herman Cain's fingers danced up my thigh and he then clutched my bare rear. In graduate school I had read about South African miners who took boys as lovers. These boys were gendered as women, replacement females in a society where the fairer sex was non-existent. We are all familiar with the sexual activity that occurs between males in prison. On the outside they are straight, but without that option in the slammer, they find sexual satisfaction anyway they can.

In that Ugandan forest, something similar occurred. Herman Cain made his move. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to resist. But my livelihood, and my ass, rested in this man's hands. Herman Cain laid me down on my stomach and lifted my skirt. He yanked off his pants and stuck his stiff penis in between my thighs; there was no penetration. He thrust as he lay on me, spanking my butt and using his baritone voice to whisper dirty talk in my ear.

I dreamed of Camila Vallejo. I dreamed of Yulia Tymoshenko. Of Miri Ben-Ari. Scarlett Johansson. Shakira. Between those fantasies, a longing for sexual touch, and Herman Cain's hand fiddling with my penis, I became erect. I felt a concoction of shame, anger, sadness, pleasure, and guilt. I hated my penis for its stiffness. At one point the emotions overwhelmed me and I released. Herman Cain did the same shortly afterward. My taint and balls were covered in his ejaculate.

It was disgusting. I nearly threw up. Herman Cain grabbed me hard in a loving embrace. I could not even clean myself. I was trapped. I had to accept that I was Herman Cain's woman now. I hated it. I hated him. I hated myself. But I was powerless to do anything about it. My life depended on Herman Cain's good graces.

Throughout our time in the forest, I was Herman Cain's plaything. We engaged in numerous sexual acts that I would rather not discuss. I often dreamed of being in Guantanamo, forced to listen to Rod Stewart songs and watch a nude Dan Marino masturbate nonstop. It seemed to be the better option than this hell.

One day, as we were walking aimlessly, we came across some Chinese construction workers. "Ching chong ching," Herman Cain said with a smile. The Chinese workers pointed at my skirt and my hanging penis and laughed. Herman Cain tried to ask the location of the LRA repeatedly, slowing down his English each time. The Chinese men merely mimicked me.

We left the scene when Herman Cain accepted that these men would not be helpful to his cause. "At least those Chinese buffoons do not have the bomb. Then we would all be in trouble." My eyes widened. "Um, Mr. Cain, the Chinese have had the bomb since the 1960s." Cain sneered, "Well, kiss my grits." I retorted, "No, it's true." Herman Cain's eyes narrowed. "No. I am requesting you to get on your knees and kiss my grits."

We spent three weeks wandering around northwest Uganda. We never encountered the LRA or the 100 troops sent in by Obama. Instead, it was a three week period filled with Herman Cain sexually abusing me.

We flew back to the United States. I spent most of the plane ride in the bathroom, trying to scrub away the memory of Herman Cain's cum covering my privates. At one point during the flight when I was back in my seat, Herman Cain leaned over to me and whispered in my ear. "Here's $35,000. Don't tell anyone about what happened."

I woke up in my bed. My taint and balls were clean. Herman Cain remained in first place in the national polls for the Republican presidential nomination despite facing numerous accusations of sexual harassment and an apparent lack of basic foreign policy knowledge.

OccupyDC and the Police

2011-11-07T00:45:00.004-05:00

I am at the OccupyDC protest. We are standing in the street yelling slogans. "We are the 99%!" "The people have the power!"The police decide to act. "Get on the sidewalk!" The protestors are confused. "Why? What's going on?" "Just get back!" The police do not concern themselves with our questions.

The protestors scramble to either side of the street. The edge of the sidewalk is crowded. I am one step away from the curb, my toes peeking onto the black of the road. "Get back!" a policeman screams at me. Where am I to go? I shoot a dirty look in his direction. "Get back now!" I scoot back a fraction of an inch and touch another protestor. "Get back now!"

The policeman pokes me in the stomach with his club. I slap at the club. He lowers it and swings it at my groin. I am laying in the street face first with my hands clutching my bruised crotch. The policeman stands over me. From his angle, he must not be able to see me rise on all fours. I then squat and spring up, uppercutting him back in the groin.

The policeman falls over my back. He drops his club. I pick it up and jerk it over my head in order to plummet it into his groin repeatedly, occasionally attacking his face. His pants become darker in the groin area as I likely have induced blood to spurt. A policewoman points her gun directly at me.

In the panic, the policewoman must have inadvertently crept too close to me. My survival instinct kicks in and I swat at the gun with the club. I make contact and the gun flies out of the police woman's hands. It strangely lands beside me. I naturally pick it up. I look up and ten police officers are pointing their guns at me.

"This was a peaceful protest. All of these weapons are yours. This man hit me with this club first. This woman pointed this gun at me first." "Drop the gun!" "You started this! This is your gun! I came unarmed!" "Drop the gun!" "I was asserting my right to protest! This was a peaceful protest! You turned it violent!" "Drop the gun!"

The crowd closes in around the tense scene. The wave of people continue to push. People flow in between myself and the police officers. A gun shot echoes and a protestor falls as life leaves his body. I shoot one policeman through the crowd. Another police officer shoots into the crowd, killing another protestor. A protestor picks up the slain police officer's gun and shoots another. That police officer's gun is snatched up by a protestor and soon all of the police officers lay in their own blood, victims of their own weapons.

In that tragic scene, the people begin chanting, "We are the 99% The people have the power!" No other government officials dare show up to challenge us.

The Bills are 5-3

2011-11-06T23:58:00.002-05:00

The Bills took it on the chin against the Jets today. I said that if they played a real team last week, they would have lost. They played the same way this week- turnovers, not converting touchdowns in the red zone- and lost to a real team.

The worst part was the game was played in Buffalo. The Bills have to travel to New Jersey to face the Jets one more time this season. A late Bills touchdown made it a 27-11 game.

Ont he one hand, the Bills have one more win in half of this season than they did all of last season. That's great! But on the other hand, the Bills are 2-3 in their last 5 and stuck in a pack of playoff -experienced teams. The Jets, Patriots, Bengals, Ravens, and Steelers (if we only include the AFC East and North) have at least as good a record as the Bills. The Bills' passing game as stalled a bit and the defense still gives up a ton of yards.

Still, there is a lot of reason to be optimistic. The Bills played much better in the second half of last season and there's no reason to believe they won't do the same this season.

Who Runs the Afghan Government?

2011-11-03T21:11:00.002-04:00

The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.
The United States does not run the Afghan government.

Much as was the case with a state department official who interrupted a speech by the Governor of Laghman, Afghanistan- Mohammad Iqbal Azizi- yesterday, I figure if I say it enough, I'll actually believe it.

Which is Crazier, Bachmann or Baseball?

2011-11-02T00:05:00.003-04:00

Michelle Bachman has argued that Iraq and Libya should pay the United States reparations for "liberating" those countries. Think about that statement. Try to make sense of it. The U.S. invasion has destroyed Iraq. It ruined the fabric of the country. It's as if someone flies from California to your house, wrecks it, kills your family, and demands you reimburse this person for the flight.

The initial reason for the war was self-defense from an imminent attack of weapons of mass destruction. The idea of "liberating" Iraqis from dictatorship only came about when the WMD line fell flat.

Yet, I argue that Michelle Bachmann's statement, as offensive and callous as it is, makes more sense than baseball's All Star Game determining home field advantage in the World Series. As a friend succinctly put it to me, Bachmann's reasoning is sound if not valid.

She believes that the rest of the world is filled with a bunch of children who need the guidance of the United States in order to prosper. Thus, in her mind, the call for reparations has some logic to it. It would be like if your parents sent you a bill for the money they spent on you as a child. Though harboring a dash of logic, it's hard to get ignore the degree of heartlessness Bachmann's statement possesses.

But baseball's All Star Game determining home field advantage in the World Series possesses neither sound nor valid logic. It makes zero sense. The All Star Game is an exhibition that requires a player from each team to be on the roster. The rosters of both leagues are comically enlarged. Players are allowed to come back. This farcical exhibition game helps to decide the champion of Major League Baseball! As we saw this year, the Cardinals indisputedly benefitted from a game they did not even play in. There's simply no logic to it. It is indefensible.

The worst part is that it's so easy to correct. The team with the best record should get home field. It's a question similar to 2+2; there is only one answer.

But there are better wrong answers than the current situation. The team with the best attendance could get four World Series home games. You could go back to alternating leagues. Fans could vote to decide home field advantage. Again, these reasons are all stupid and wrong. They just aren't as stupid and wrong as the All Star Game determining home field in the World Series. To the question of what is 2+2, baseball has answered: 1,394, 638.

So to reiterate, Michelle Bachmann's assertion is insanely stupid, but still not as crazy as how baseball determines home field advantage in the World Series.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 5, Part 1)

2011-11-01T01:27:00.005-04:00

You can read Episode 4, Part 2 here.

I woke up. Sweat congregated around my forehead. Herman Cain had gained legitimacy in his run for the White House. Camila Vallejo was in Chile and had no inkling of my existence. I decided to return to my slumber and clutched my pillow. Underneath it was a piece of paper. The paper wore a poem written in beautiful foreign cursive. I read its title in bewilderment. The title read David.

David
We have another quest.
This one is tougher than the rest.
We must fight with the Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda
In order to thwart that communist Muslim Obama.
- Herman Cain

I crumpled up the paper, dwelling more on the disappointment currently overwhelming me that it wasn't from the attractive Camila Vallejo than the nonsense of its content. I fell back onto my pillow. There was Herman Cain towering over my bed.

"Wake up, David. We have another mission. We must go. Rush Limbaugh said the Lord's Resistance Army are Christians and we must protect them against Obama's Muslim army." I frowned.

"I think you've been misinformed, Mr. Cain. Josephy Kony and the LRA have been fighting President Museveni, who is Christian, and the Ugandan army because he sees himself as a prophet. The LRA has continued to exist because it kidnaps and indoctrinates its soldiers, many who are children,- and its people, the Ancholi, feel alienated from Museveni's administration. Paradoxically, the LRA often preys on the Ancholi, the very people they claim to protect, committing horrendous and despicable human rights abuses.

"In addition, high members of the Ugandan army hope to remain in a perpetual state of war which results in more money directed to the military, no questions asked. Many claim that the Ugandan military states it has far more members than it actually does, so high military officials can steal the salaries of the phantom soldiers. But the LRA is a very notorious group The ICC was created in order to indict its leader, Kony."

Herman Cain gave a dismissive shrug, "Rush and I will do more research about it. In the meantime, we need to get to Uganda immediately to fight for the LRA. Go buy your plane ticket."
"You're not going to buy my ticket? I don't have the money for this. And I don't even want to go. You should buy it. You have the money."
"No. Just because I have the money and you do not, I should buy your plane ticket? You do not have money because you are lazy. Stop engaging in class warfare and get a job."

My eyes narrowed into deep focus, "I'm engaging in class warfare? What about your 9-9-9 Plan? I already lose a ton of my income to state and federal taxes as soon as I make it. Now you want to take away 9% of my income tax. I don't make enough. Every dollar is precious to me. And you want to add a 9% federal sales tax to the 6% state sales tax that already exists in Maryland. Now I have to pay 15 cents on every dollar I spend.

"Meanwhile, a 9% tax is a huge tax break for rich people such as yourself. Now you'll be able to afford the new solid gold 8000 Zoom Flush Express toilet instead of the solid gold 6000 model that you'd be forced to settle for under the current tax code. What a shame."

Cain became furious, "Stop engaging in class warfare. We need to engage in real warfare. Buy your ticket and let's go."
"No. I won't. This war is for the Ugandans to settle. I will not fight out of concern for them. It is not for me to exploit their suffering in the name of my own interests."
"You must. I have enlisted you in the army and must serve or you will be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay where you will be forced to listen to Rod Stewart songs and watch videos of a nude Dan Marino masturbating all day every day."
"Fine. I'll go."

I fell asleep on the plane in an extremely agitated state. But there was a hint of excitement that began to spread. It would be very cool to travel to Uganda and perhaps I could go rogue and try to foster peace. My imagination got the better of me as I dreamed of an amorous Camila Vallejo in a sexy tank-top leaning over and unbuttoning my pants. She grabbed my penis and began twirling her tongue around and sucking. I opened my eyes with a smile as long as Chile on my face.
Until I looked down. "Mr. Cain?"
"Yes David? What can I help you with?" Herman Cain mumbled in an uncharacteristically indistinct manner. "Well, I'm wondering why my penis is in your mouth." Cain momentarily relieved his mouth of my penis. "Is there a problem?" I shook my head no and he finished.

We arrived in northwest Uganda and called a press conference. "I commend your beautiful country for its stance on homosexuality," Cain bellowed in a booming voice, "Homosexuality is wrong and should be illegal. Two men should not get married unless they want to. The government should not tell them what to do."

The Ugandan reporters showed confusion across their faces. "Are you against gay marriage or not?" one asked.

"I cannot be clearer. I am against gay marriage. Unless two men want to get married. The government should not decide for them. The same with abortion. Abortion should be illegal in all cases, including rape and incest, unless the family decides they want an abortion. The government should not tell a woman what to do with her body. So I am clearly against gay marriage and abortion." Another reporter asked the same question. Cain erupted as if he were a school teacher explaining that 2+2=4 to high school students.

"Why is this hard to understand? I am against gay marriage, abortion, and a man sucking another man's penis on a plane to Uganda. Is that clear?" A barrage of hands shot up into the sky.

One reporter asked, "That last point was very specific and the white gentleman next to you just turned red. Did you suck his penis on the plane? Sir?" He was looking at me. "Did you partake in this gay experience? That is a crime here." I sauntered up to the podium with my tail between my legs.

I went the same route as Obama did when he was "accused" of being a Muslim during the 2008 campaign. Instead of defending the persecuted group, I denied being a member. I told them that I was not gay. I challenged each of them to close their eyes, have someone suck their penis, and then tell that person- male or female- to stop. All agreed they would not be able to do so.

The reporters turned their attention back to Herman Cain. "If what this man says is true, Mr. Cain, you sexually harassed him." Herman Cain became defensive. "First, I have never sexually harassed anyone. And yes, I have never sexually harassed anyone. Secondly, I have never sexually harassed anyone. I can tell you unequivocally, I have never sexually harassed anyone outside of the plane in question."

Join us again to find out what happens in the Ugandan bush.

Why Rick Perry is Losing?

2011-10-31T23:53:00.003-04:00

Oh to be a fly on the wall behind the scenes of one of Rick Perry's catastrophic debate performances. I actually was. Well, metaphorically speaking. I was working for a catering company serving the staffs of the various presidential candidates during the Fox News Google debate on September 22 in Orlando, Florida. I saw Rick Perry's campaign manger during the candidate's famous flip flop flub.

Rick Perry: "I think Americans just don't know sometimes which Mitt Romney they're dealing with. Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of against the Second Amendment before he was for the Second Amendment? Was it, was before he was before the social programs, from the standpoint of he was for standing up for Roe vs. Wade before he was against vs. Roe vs. Wade? He was for Race to the Top, he's for ObamaCare, and now he's against it. I mean, we'll wait until tomorrow and, and, and see which Mitt Romney we're really talking to tonight."

In a back room, after that monologue, Rick Perry's campaign manager raised his head, pumped his fist, and exclaimed, "Nailed it! Yee Haw!"

The Bills are 5-2

2011-10-30T23:47:00.002-04:00

The Bills won 23-0 over the Racistskins today. The game was played in Toronto for no good reason. The Bills actually struggled, committing uncharacteristic turnovers and failing to score TDs when in the redzone far too often.

The Skins are just a terrible team and the Bills have enough firepower to overcome the poor performance. Fred Jackson was Mr. Everything. He ran on the ground effectively and also enhanced the passing game as a receiver. But the Bills have a bad habit of stalling in the second half when they have a big halftime lead. They become conservative on both sides of the ball. The Skins just didn't have anything in order to take advantage.

Camila Vallejo Speaks

2011-10-29T22:47:00.003-04:00

Obviously, I've been writing a lot about the beautiful Chilean leader Camila Vallejo. Well, I received a letter from her recently that I would like to share with you.

Dear Proprietor of the H-Quack Times,

I respectfully request that you cease and desist in referring to any supposed interactions regarding the two of us. As far as I know, we have never met. You are clearly a fan of mine, and I appreciate the support, but I kindly ask you to choose other topics to write about. I am afraid that, judging from the recent work on your site, you have an obsession. Your constant posts imagining the two of us as some sort of romantic couple are very creepy and make me quite uncomfortable. Please stop. I sincerely appreciate your understanding.

Regards,
Camila

I'm going to have to get more creative in coming up with excuses to post pictures of her.

The End

2011-10-25T15:38:00.006-04:00

Sitting outside of the Air and Space Museum, we were surrounded by a boisterous group protesting Obama's use of drones as a means of assassination. Despite the chaos around us, in our eyes, Camila and I were the only two people in the world. She, a Chilean communist leader with light angelic eyes and a round face that combined the cuteness of a three month old baby with the sexiness of an inmate's first nude woman in 26 years.

What attracted her to me, I cannot say. I can only presume. It could have been my leftist beard. It could have been my outrage at all injustice, no matter how slight. It could have been my sense of decency. It could have been my unapologetic bluntness. It could have been a physical attraction. Whatever it was, I was more concerned that it existed than why it existed.

We sat on a bench turned towards each other Her bent left leg on top of my my bent right leg, which was resting on the bench. Her right hand was in my left as a stroked her palm with my middle finger. My right hand continuously brushed her hair out of her face with the sole purpose of stroking her cheek. He left index finger and thumb fiddled with my right earlobe. Our eyes gorged on each other as if coming out of a three-week Gandhian fast.

I didn't dream of the future. I spent too much energy enjoying the present. There was none available to waste on analyzing our relationship. A week and half later, we were sitting across from each other at a restaurant, both seemingly ecstatic to be with the other. The bubbling of something more made its first appearance.

"Camila, you have the most beautiful eyes." Her cheeks grew pink. She titled her head and batted her eyelashes. "David, don't."
I was knocked off balance. 'Don't? Why not?' I thought. The conversation continued at such a pace that silence couldn't get in a word edgewise. We laughed, discussed serious topics, our families, our hopes. Everything seemed to be going wonderfully. At the end of the meal, we hugged passionately, our cheeks kissing each other before our lips took over. We vowed to meet again as soon as possible.

Two days later, I called Camila. No answer. "Hi Camila. I had a wonderful time with you the other night. Let's go out again this week. How about Wednesday? Give me a call when you get a chance." Two days later, I received a text. "Sure. 6:30 good?"

I had spent the previous two days slightly concerned. But all doubts melted away with that text. I could not contain my anticipation. At 4:30 on Wednesday, another text came. "Have to cancel. Sorry." Disappointment filled the gap in my heart where excitement had made its home.

I told myself that it was ok. Don't get too emotional with every interaction. Two days later, I called Camila. No answer. I left another message. Two days later, nothing. I waited a week and called again. No answer. Two days later, nothing. I texted. No response.

What had happened? I was confounded, dumbfounded, and brokenhearted. I thought she liked me. We had good chemistry. We enjoyed each other's company. We had a lot in common. Things seemed to be going well. Why all of the sudden? I didn't get it.

Over the next couple of months, I tried again here and there and either got a rejection or was ignored and finally decided to give up for good. I suppose the combination of not understanding what had happened and my imagination of what could have been forced me to try so much.

Stories tend to have happy endings or at least closure. But life cannot always be packaged neatly into a story. Life poses questions that will never be answered. We must accept that reality, learn what we can from our experiences, and move forward.

The World Series So Far

2011-10-22T13:32:00.002-04:00

Ron Washington has been out-managed by Tony La Russa so far. Twice, La Russa forced Washington's hand and both time the Cardinals came away with the lead.

Washington normally doesn't have to worry about what either team will do with the pitcher's spot, because for some inexplicable reason, the American League has a DH (longevity does not make it legitimate or logical).

In Game 1, La Russa bluffed by putting Carpenter in the on deck circle. As a result, Washington had his starter, Wilson, pitch around Punto. Wilson lost his control as a result. La Russa pulled Carpenter back and put up Craig. Washington felt he had to make a pitching move and Craig got the go-ahead RBI.

In Game 2, La Russa made the first move and sent up Craig for Garcia, who had pitched 7 scoreless innings. But the was St. Louis's only real chance to score. Despite the fact that Lewis had given up zero runs and four hits, Washington pulled him and brought in Ogando, who had given up the hit to Craig in Game 1. Pulling Lewis just because La Russa put in a pinch hitter made no sense. Bringing in the same guy who gave up the winning hit to the same hitter was stupid.

But Washington got away with it because his guys got a couple hits in the ninth and Pujols made that error. I don't think Washington is a bad manager. His ability to make decisions surrounding the pitcher's spot has atrophied because he doesn't normally have to do it. American League managers are by definition less capable than NL managers.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 4, Part 2)

2011-10-19T00:04:00.005-04:00

Read Episode 4, Part 1 here.

At that point, Herman Cain began to sing a baritone version of "Let's Get It On." Each of Herman Cain's notes tickled my libido as I stared at the photo of Camila Vallejo. Inspiration bit me like an African mosquito. I became woozy and began to write.

The romance poured out of my pen as I dreamed of a world where the beautiful Chilean communist leader and myself were forever joined as one. Herman Cain, who was helping me write a romantic poem to my beloved Camila in order to enhance our relationship, read my poem off of the pizza box. He smirked and winked at me. "This is it."

Camila
Before the sun rose, I wandered the desert weak
Until a refreshing wind brushed against my cheek

At dawn, we reveled in each other's pleasure
As the day rolls on, we cement our future together

And if we find despair when our pale springs a leak
Remember, there will be valleys before we reach the peak

The desert is limited only by man's ability to measure
But a sip after a hard day in the heat is the greatest treasure

Should our water ever run dry one night and we are forced to part
I won't die of thirst, for every drop of you is stored in my heart."This poem would do the trick if she primarily speaks English. But remember David, Camila speaks Spanish. There is a wall separating Camila from your expression of love. So, we must tear down that wall by using Google translate to turn it into Spanish." Me delight in having crafted a poem that I felt accurately expressed my love for Camila diminished. I fretted this confrontation. "But Mr. Cain, using Google translate might not give us the best translation."

"Do you have a better suggestion, niggahead? Do you want to ask one of your Spanish-speaking friends to translate this poem for Camila."
"No," I answered meekly. I showcased a defeated look.
"That is what I thought. Since no one else has a plan, I propose we implement my plan of using Google translate in order to turn your poem into Spanish and share it will Camila Vallejo." We left my room and found a computer in order to google "Google translate."

I wrote down the Spanish translation on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to Camila. Three days later, she received the poem. She opened the envelope and began to read.

Camila
Antes de la salida del sol, recorrí el desierto débil
Hasta que un viento refrescante rozó mi mejilla

Al amanecer, nos deleitaba con los demás el placer
Como el día avanza, que el cemento nuestro futuro juntos

Y si nos encontramos con la desesperación cuando nuestros pálidos comienza a gotear
Recuerde, habrá valles antes de llegar a la mirada

El desierto está limitado sólo por la capacidad del hombre para medir
Pero un trago después de un día duro en el calor es el mayor tesoro

En caso de nuestras aguas vez se ha quedado una noche seca y nos vemos obligados a participar
No voy a morir de sed, por cada gota de que se almacena en mi corazón.

Camila came over that night. I opened the door covered in anticipation and there was Camila. "David, I got this poem from you. It makes no sense. Are you insulting the Spanish language with this?" My heart and stomach traded places. "No, well, Herman Cain, but, I didn't think, I mean, I know it is..." Camila glided closer to me and kissed me on my left cheek leaving it with a hint of moisture. "Say no more my love. Where is the English version of the poem?"

I fetched the English version and handed it to her. She eyed it and then clutched it to her chest. She pressed her lips gently against mine. We then made love in the foyer.

I called Herman Cain and told him what happened. He was on a bus tour of Tennessee for some reason. "Excellent," was all he had time to say.

I woke up. Sweat congregated around my forehead. Herman Cain had gained legitimacy in his run for the White House. Camila Vallejo was in Chile and had no inkling of my existence. I decided to return to my slumber and clutched my pillow. Underneath it was a piece of paper. The paper wore a poem written in beautiful foreign cursive. I read its title in bewilderment. The title read David.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 4, Part 1)

2011-10-18T00:43:00.006-04:00

Here are Episode 1; Episode 2, Part 1 and Part 2; Episode 3, Part 1 and Part 2.

"Wake up, David." That familiar voice. It was Herman Cain, surely here to ask me to go on another mission with him. "What is it?" I mumbled without opening my eyes. "David, we must do something romantic in order to enhance your relationship with the Chilean communist, Camila Vallejo." I slowly opened my eyes and rubbed them, hoping that would bring me clarity. "But that was just a dream. Even if the relationship with the woman is just a dream, you still have to work on it?"
"Yes. You must work on all relationships with women, regardless of the circumstance. I propose that we write her a romantic poem. We must first write in English. But English is not her first language. So we must then use Google translate to turn it into Spanish so that she can get the full impact."

I realized there was no sense in arguing with Herman Cain. Plus, if it could help my relationship with the lovely Camila, all the better. Herman Cain took out a used pizza box from his briefcase and a pen. He began scribbling notes on the pizza box.

I was anxious to get finish this latest mission and go back to sleep where being with Camila was far easier. "Mr. Cain, maybe we can write a Haiku. Here's one:

Since we became one,
My life has greater meaning.
I love you always.

Bam! Done." A smug satisfaction assumed control of my face.

Herman Cain frowned and shook his head as if to free his mustache from stubborn pizza crumbs. "No! Terrible." He leaned forward. "I only use one type of poetry. It is my 9-9-9 poetic form." The corners of my mouth succumbed to gravity. This wasn't going to be easy.

The 9-9-9 poetic form featured three lines of nine words each with the last word of each line rhyming.

"First, we need to get a picture of your beloved." That was easy enough as I slept with a picture of Camila every night. "Focus on what attracts you to her. Not just her physical beauty, but how you feel with her. How would you feel without her." I began writing on the pizza box,

You mean everything to me, a world without you
Would find me all alone. I feel electricity through
Me when we touch. Everyday with you is new.
Herman Cain examined the poem. "That is not good. It is too cliche." Frustration slapped me in the face. "This form is so stupid. You just made it up. It's too limiting. Sure it's simple, but simple is not always better. I mean, I'm not a poet to begin with. This was a bad idea from the start."

Herman Cain lent a disappointed smirk. "The problem with that analysis is that it is incorrect. But maybe my 9-9-9 poetic form is not for you. I am not attached to those numbers. We can try something else." I tried to keep my shock from exploding onto the surface but failed. Those numbers seemed to be the essence of his being. He was so willing to give in once he found the slightest push back.

He ripped up the canvas that held our notes and took out another used pizza box from his briefcase. "We need to set the mood." At that point, Herman Cain began to sing a baritone version of "Let's Get It On." Each of Herman Cain's notes tickled my libido as I stared at the photo of Camila. Inspiration bit me like an African mosquito. I became woozy and began to write.

Join us tomorrow as the poem for Camila is unveiled.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 3, Part 2)

2011-10-17T00:43:00.007-04:00

Read Episode 3 Part 1 here.

We arrived and Camila's assistant stopped us. "How can I help you?" Herman Cain thought a moment and said, "Uh, we need to speak to the president. It's urgent." The assistant looked suspicious. "Who?" Herman Cain moved his feet like a little boy who needed to use the bathroom. "The president, you know, the president in there."
"What is the name of the person you are looking for?"
"The president of You-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan. I don't know his name."
"Well, you will have to wait here."

We waited for Camila Vallejo to finish her meeting with Islam Karimov, the president of Uzbekistan. We had traveled to Chile in the heat of the presidential campaign because Herman Cain wanted to hook me up with my not-so-secret love, Camila, a famous Chilean student leader. Seconds turned to excruciating minutes. The more time rolled, the more anxiety rose inside of me.

Herman Cain could sense my uneasiness. "Listen niggahead, put your faith in Jesus. Everything will work out then." I looked at him cockeyed, "Mr. Cain, I'm Jewish. And you know that." Herman Cain shrugged. "Ah well. Things will probably work out anyway."

After nearly two hours of waiting, President Karimov left Camila's office. He gave both Herman Cain and I the stink eye in mid-stride and walked out of the building. Three minutes and 23 seconds later, she floated out of her office surrounded by an orange glow. Suddenly, the rest of the world disappeared and only Camila and I remained. Everything seemed to move in slow motion.
I stood up, awkwardly, and attempted to speak. "Um. Cam, I mean um, Ms. Vallejo. I'm..." But she was preoccupied and paid me no mind. She asked her assistant a question, grabbed a black leather jacket, and turned. Then, our hazel eyes met for a fraction of a second. I froze. I was overcome by the moment. I lost sight of her as she walked out the door. I had missed my chance; I cursed myself.

I showed Herman Cain a frown. "I guess that's it. I blew it. Sorry to have wasted your time Mr. Cain. I really appreciate you..."
"Nonsense!" Cain stood up straight, his voice slow and booming. "You will win her yet. If you are truly meant to be together, love does not vanish after one missed chance. Come. We must plan."

Back at the hotel, Herman Cain and I were thinking of a way to set up a chance meeting with Camila Vallejo. He called his adviser, Rich Lowrie. Though an accountant by trade, Cain took his advice on everything, from economic policy to love. Lowrie promised he would think of something and call Cain back.

In a quiet moment in the hotel, I asked Herman Cain, "Mr. Cain, I'm wondering about one thing. Why are you helping me fall in love with a communist? I thought you were a diehard capitalist through and through." Herman Cain gave the question some thought. "That woman is a communist? Hmm. Well, at least that's better than being a socialist." I decided not to follow up.

In some ways, being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is like being in a prison. Your thoughts are confined to that person. As much as you try, you can't break free and think about something else. You are trapped. Every minute away from the person is a minute wasted. And those minutes crawl as if they had no arms or legs. I was so close to Camila and yet, that closeness seemed only to intensify the heartache exponentially. I was about to give up hope and ask Herman Cain to take us back to America when the phone rang.

It was Rick Lowrie. Herman Cain answered. Apparently, he had recruited Sarah Palin to the cause and handed her the phone. Palin yelled into the phone loud enough for me to hear. "Herb, she's a communist. The only way to attract a communist is to shave your mustache like Hitler's because those communists are Nazis." My head sank. That was a terrible idea. I would soon be headed back to America and seemingly lasting loneliness.

A knock on the door startled me out of my sad stupor. Head down, I walked to the door and turned the knob. "Hola. Me llamo Camila." My jaw fell off. My eyes drifted upwards like a balloon. Stuttering soon supplanted my speechlessness. She smiled sheepishly, cocked her head to the side, and batted her eyes.

Perhaps 45 seconds later, I managed to spit out, "I... I... don't speak Spanish. I'm sorry." And my head fell. A hand brushed my left cheek. "It's ok." I lifted my head and our eyes met again. She grabbed both of my earlobes gently between her thumb and forefinger and tugged me closer. Then, our lips introduced themselves. They fit perfectly as if both sets had originally been crafted as one, like two parts of a broken charm reunited.

Our lips reluctantly parted and we were locked in each other's eyes. Finally, I managed to ask, "What just happened? How do you even..." Camila put her left index finger on my lips softly, lovingly. "When our eyes met. I couldn't forget your eyes. I have spent the past few days tracking you down. In that quest, I learned so much about you. My dream guy has always been a hirsute neurotic Jewish leftist who loves Rocky, Slurpees, and basketball." A smile covered my face like Obama's hand over the Mongolian president in a recent UN picture.

I looked over to Herman Cain, who was standing on the balcony still debating the merits of the Hitler mustache plan with Sarah Palin on the phone. I walked over and tapped the glass with Camila's hand in my own. I threw up my free thumb. Herman Cain winked and smiled.

I woke up in my bed alone, my only company a picture of Camila Vallejo printed out from the internet. Herman Cain was leading the national polls in the primary race. It appeared as if he had a real shot at becoming the Republican nominee for President of the United States.

The Bills are 4-2

2011-10-16T23:59:00.002-04:00

The Bills suffered their second loss of the season today. Both losses have been by three points with time running down in the game. Fred Jackson had a great game, by Fitzpatrick had his first subpar performance of the season.

The real problem again has been the defense's inability to come up with the big stop. Frankly, even in the Bills wins, it's been a late TD or FG that has been the difference most of the time. The defense has been able to force turnovers, which is generally more important than the number of yards given up. But the failure to stop opposing offenses in the fourth is a major problem, whcih likely speaks to a lack of depth. The Bills have a bye next week.

Poor Larry Hopkins

2011-10-15T17:54:00.003-04:00

Dewey Bozella is 52 years old. He spent 26 years in jail, convicted of a murder he did not commit. He is set to make his professional boxing debut in a matter of hours. No one is rooting against the cruiserweight, a victim of a horrific spell of injustice.

Bozella faces Larry Hopkins, who is from Houston and will turn 31 years old next month. Hopkins is 0-3, being KOed in all three of his pro bouts.

You couldn't imagine anyone rooting for Hopkins to do anything but hit the canvas for the ten count. Larry Hopkins hasn't done anything wrong but he could be Adolph Hitler and he'd still have the same number of fans tonight. Bozella's story is that transformative. He is a hero simply for moving on with his life despite what this country has done to him. He could wallow in self-pity; instead he fights.

But the real victim is Hopkins. He is a villain through no fault of his own. Even his own mother is rooting for Dewey Bozella tonight. She'll root for her son Larry on another night. This night belongs to Dewey Bozella.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 3, Part 1)

2011-10-14T18:45:00.007-04:00

"Wake up, David. We have a new mission." My pupils rolled underneath my closed eye lids. The novelty of going on extraordinary missions with Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain was wearing off. "David, it is based on the Chilean model."

My eyes popped open and my head jumped off the pillow. "Wait. You haven't even told me the mission yet and the solution is already based on the Chilean model?" I thought aloud.

"No. The mission is based on the Chilean model. You are not-so-secretly in love with the student leader Camila Vallejo, right?"
"Yes."
"Well, she is Chilean and she is as attractive as a model, true?"
"True."
"Our mission is to join you and Camila in a romantic relationship. So, our mission is based on the Chilean model."
"Good point."

Herman Cain continued, "And I know you were dreaming about her." My face displayed confusion. Cain spoke, "Because your weewee is sticking out of your underwear and it is very very hard." My face turned the color of a poor man's bank statement under a President Cain. I quickly covered my genitalia.
"Listen niggahead, to bring you and Camila together, we must find her phone number so you can call her." Apprehension rained down on me. "But Mr. Cain, even if we get her number, we don't know if she speaks English and I don't speak Spanish. Plus, I'm not very smooth on the phone. She's an internationally known heartthrob; I write snarky stories that nobody reads about dreams I've had."
"Nonsense! The key to a woman's heart is to believe that you deserve it. You will win her. We simply need to find her digits."

I got dressed and I rode shotgun as Herman Cain drove us to the airport. We flew to Santiago. On the flight, Herman Cain continuously called over the flight attendant. She was pretty if I may say so. Her sun blond hair rested against her snow colored skin. Her rump stuck out like a black man at a GOP debate. Cain would whisper in her ear and she would whisper back in his. I cringed at the hypocrisy of it. Herman Cain preached morality, but was flirting with this flight attendant.

Midway through the flight, I leaned over to hear the whispers. Herman Cain was not flirting with the flight attendant after all. He was complaining about the other passengers, asking the flight attendant if they were Muslims and then declaring that he felt uncomfortable with the other passengers on the plane. The flight attendant tried to ease a concerned Herman Cain by stating that most Chileans were Christian, not Muslim. I suppose she should have been arguing that flying with a plane full of Muslims shouldn't cause concern either, but the flight attendant was doing her best in dealing with Herman Cain's irrationality.

We checked into a hotel in Santiago and opened the phonebook looking for Camila Vallejo. We couldn't find her number listed. As day turned to night, I dug up the courage to ask Herman Cain something that had been weighing on me this entire mission.

"Mr. Cain? Why are you going through all of this trouble to help me? I mean, this excursion has taken you away from the presidential campaign just as things are heating up. You're losing precious time." Herman Cain smiled as wide as a hungry man who has just smelled a pizza. "Because you my niggahead. I always stand up for my niggaheads. We niggaheads need to stick together."

I gave a shrug of acceptance, but then added, "But Mr. Cain, I'm not black."
"Why does it always have to be about race with you liberals? You are my niggahead. It is not about black or white." Silence slammed into the room as we readied ourselves for sleep so we could attempt to find the lovely Camila Vallejo the next day.

The following day, we rose early. We took a different tack. We took our search to the people. We put it in simple language. In clear, slow, and loud English, Herman Cain approached every potential source by saying, "Hello, I am Herman Cain. I am looking for Camila Vallejo's phone number so that she can fall in love with this gentleman here."

After a day of fruitless searching, we found someone to divulge her number. Of course, she phone number was 999-999-9999. I asked myself, what were the odds, 'About 1 in 9,999,999,999 I suppose,' I answered silently.

It was too late to call her, so we waited until the next morning. I called and her assistant picked up. "Sorry, she's in a meeting with the president of Uzbekistan for some reason." I whispered the information to Herman Cain and he told me to ask where the office was located. We got the information and set off.

We arrived and Camila's assistant stopped us. "How can I help you?" Herman Cain thought a moment and said, "Uh, we need to speak to the president. It's urgent." The assistant looked suspicious. "Who?" Herman Cain moved his feet like a little boy who needed to use the bathroom. "The president, you know, the president in there."
"What is the name of the person you are looking for?"
The president of You-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan. I don't know his name."
"Well, you will have to wait here."

Join us again for the stunning conclusion.

An Old Love is Punished

2011-10-12T00:08:00.007-04:00

In May 2008, Yulia Tymoshenko and I had a fling, which ended badly. Now, Yulia has received a seven year jail sentence in Ukraine, a move widely seen as reversing the gains of the Orange Revolution.

Part of me is sad that Yulia, a person I once loved, is in this position. But there is another, perhaps darker, side that feels this sentence is karma for breaking my heart. I always tried to be there for her. I put myself out there for her. I saw my future in her eyes. And she couldn't accept my vulnerability. She saw what I view as my best qualities and used them against me.

She said I never listened to her. I never stood up for myself. I was too negative. These all seemed like excuses to cast me aside because being with me would force her to open herself up. She was not able to show that same vulnerability to me.

I wanted her so bad. I have come to realize that it wasn't meant to be. My life is better because we are not together. And yet, whenever I see her face, those old love pangs resurface. Her face reminds me of the perfection I saw in her. It reminds me of the happiness I envisioned being with her. Emotions that I will never experience with her. Perhaps I never could.

Now, I have a new love. The Chilean communist student leader, Camila Vallejo. That love is merely in its early stages, so I won't go into detail just yet.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 2, Part 2)

2011-10-11T00:26:00.010-04:00

Read Episode 2 Part 1 here.

On the plane, Herman Cain began drinking. He looked at me red eyed and spouted, "Listen niggahead, I like you, you're alright," and winked at me. I feigned a smile. I've always felt uncomfortable around drunk people.

Herman Cain slept off the liquor and woke up sober when we arrived in Boise, Idaho. There we were going to start the process of implementing Herman Cain's Nein-Nein-Nein Plan in order to halt the epidemic of evangelicals converting to Judaism, thus giving my arch-nemesis- former Jewish parody rapper turned Jew-for-Jesus singer- 50 Shekel increasing power.

We opened a new fast food restaurant in Boise. We called it McDonawitz's. Herman Cain took care of the restaurant part of it; I took care of the Jewish part of it. Our big hit was the McRibawitz, a boneless rib sandwich made entirely of pork and iceberg lettuce. We also served the Hamboygeh, which was a pork hamburger. For breakfast, we offered bacon and sausage on a bagel sandwiches called McBagelwitzes. You could get a chappy meal for your kid that included a mini pork chop sandwich with a dreidel and gelt.

The new Jews of Boise ate it up, quite literally. We gave half-price specials on Friday nights and Saturdays through GroupOn, so most of the Jewish converts of Boise would be eating their pork products from McDonawitz's and watching the new channel, Jewish Entertainment Television or JET (we just couldn't think of a word that started with W that made sense. We really tried). Jackie Mason marathons ran from sundown on Friday until sundown Saturday, ensuring that no Jew in Boise honored Shabbat; they were too busy watching television.

We had implemented two parts of Herman Cain's plan and it was working swimmingly. But we still needed to get sexy people to move to the community so that these converted Jews would covet thy neighbors.

"David, I just can't think of a way to lure attractive people to Boise," Herman Cain was pensive, "Can you, my niggahead?" He always smiled when he used that last word. It was freeing to him. But it made me uneasy. I tried to ignore it. I told myself that Herman Cain has every right to use that word. He's not using it in a derogatory way. I shouldn't let it bother me.

"I can't think of anything either." Herman Cain leaned forward and put his arm around my shoulders, "Niggahead, we gotsta think of something." I felt I should confront Herman Cain and ask him to stop using that word. But did I have the right to? I was focusing more on that word than on trying to solve our problem. I was consumed by the ugliness of the word. Through use of it, Herman Cain held all of the power. I decided something needed to be said.

"Excuse me, Mr. Cain?"
"Yes, niggahead?"
"I was wondering if you could stop saying that word. It makes me uncomfortable."
"What word is that, David?"
"Um. Well. Uh. The name of Rick Perry's hunting grounds."
Herman Cain's face lit up. A smirk covered it entirely. "I know that you are refraining from saying that word," he began, "So I am going to say what the word was. The name of the place was called Niggahead." The last word rolled off his tongue with the ease of first grade math.
"Yes, that's the word. It makes me uncomfortable." Herman Cain set his eyes on me for what felt like days. Then, suddenly, he shrugged and said, "Whateva, niggahead."

With that "settled," we went back to thinking of a way to attract those sexy potential neighbors to Boise. It was Herman Cain who finally came up with the idea. "I have a plan. It is based on the Chilean model." Again with the Chilean model, I thought. "We create an ad with your face on it, David, claiming that you are looking for that special woman and you live in Boise. The sexy women will flood into town." I thought about his plan and wondered how that was possibly "based on Chilean model." Maybe Herman Cain just thought "the Chilean model" was a figure of speech.

"It's a good plan. It can't fail. Every sexy woman wants to be with me and is willing to uproot their life to have that chance. But one problem Mr. Cain. How do we attract sexy men? We want the women converts to covet their neighbors too."
"Ah niggahead, good point. I have got it covered. When the sexy women move to Boise, naturally sexy men will follow."

Everything worked just as we had hoped. Sexy women and then sexy men moved to town. Soon, neighbors were being coveted like the fat kid on a desert island after the food supply has run out. Between the all-pork diet, the eschewing Shabbat for Jackie Mason marathons, and the coveting, the Jewish converts of Boise were losing their link to Judaism.

But 50 Shekel still had a number of other communities within his orbit. We were far from finished. So we assembled a team of economic experts. It was a secret team; we didn't tell anybody who was a member of the team, but there was a team. It existed. I'm telling you, there was a team of economic experts. The team, which existed, devised a plan to mimic our Boise escapade in such places such as Galveston, Texas, Charleston, South Carolina, and Tallahasee, Florida.

Soon McDonawitz's was the fastest growing restaurant in the nation. JET was the highest-rated television station on Friday nights. And the covet-worthy people of America were concentrated in a few pockets across the country. There was a mass wave of re-conversions. 50 Shekel's power base had been smashed.

I woke up drenched in my own semen. 50 Shekel, who continued to put out shitty music, was still irrelevant and always had been. Herman Cain's prospects for the White House, however, were still very real.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 2, Part 1)

2011-10-10T00:35:00.009-04:00

Read Episode 1 here.

"David, wake up. We have another mission to complete." That familiar voice. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew it was Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain. "What is it, Mr. Cain?" I responded in that aggravated yet resigned way that people offer when they know they have to get up but would rather stay asleep.

Herman Cain spoke in his customary halted manner, focusing intently on every syllable, "David, we need to stop 50 Shekel from taking over the world." 50 Shekel was a former Jewish parody rapper turned Jew-for-Jesus singer.

Since Jesus was apparently Jewish, there had been a revival of interest in Judaism among evangelicals. In fact, many had been converting to Judaism, but maintaining Jesus as their messiah. This gathering movement sought out 50 Shekel and anointed him as their leader.

"David, we must stop him." It made a lot more sense that I was involved in this mission than in the Bosnian diplomas one. I hated 50 Shekel. He was my arch-enemy. I disliked the hypocrisy of his claiming to be a Jew-for-Jesus- particularly after previously asserting his pride in being Jewish- for a Jew, by definition, does not accept Jesus as lord. 50 Shekel had also once called me a terrorist. But more than anything, I hated him because he was a really shitty musician.

"You're right, Mr. Cain, what's the plan?" Herman Cain straighten up from his hunched position over me still lying in my bed and stared straight ahead, which was about three feet over me, as if about to give a great visionary speech. "How do you stop a Jew? You must think like a German. That is why I will implement my Nein-Nein-Nein Plan." I wanted to stop 50 Shekel because he was attempting to change the very essence of being Jewish. I abhorred the Jesus part. Herman Cain despised the Jewish part. But we had a common goal and I saw value in working together.

As I got dressed and Herman Cain drove us to the airport, he explained the essentials of his Nein-Nein-Nein Plan. Jews could not eat pork, use electricity during Shabbat, and covet their neighbors. They had to say "no" to each of those things. If we could make that difficult, people might start abandoning their Judaism. They were converts and did not have history or ethnicity to fall back on. All they had was their religious belief. If we could break that, we could stop the wave of evangelical conversions to Judaism and break 50 Shekel's power base.

We needed to find a few select and influential communities and flood them with pork-only restaurants, fill the television stations with Jackie Mason marathons during Shabbat, and move in sexy neighbors. It would be a challenge, and the plan didn't make much sense, but on three and half hours of sleep it seemed like the only thing we could do.

On the plane, Herman Cain began drinking. He looked at me red eyed and spouted, "Listen niggahead, I like you, you're alright," and winked at me.

Part 2

The Bills are 4-1

2011-10-09T23:44:00.003-04:00

The main problem the Philadelphia Eagles had today was that they tried to circle the wagon. And we all know that no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!

The Bills offense is impressive. One weakness is that the offense goes into a shell in the fourth quarter when the team once had a big lead in the game. That wasn't the case against Kansas City in week 1, but it has been the past two weeks.

The defense gives up a lot of yards. It's not a bend-but-don't-break defense because it gives up a lot of points too. But it creates a lot of turnovers which makes up for other deficiencies, particularly with such a potent offense.

The 2011 Bills remind me of the Super Bowl Bills to some degree. Those teams also gave up a lot of yards yet created turnovers. This year features a semi-hurry up offense and is pass-first, utilizing the RB in the air. But both teams could run well when needed. Both teams were solid on special teams.

One difference is the privileged draft position the early '90s crew came from. This year's version includes castoffs and passed-ons. We'll see if this year's team can reach a similar amount of success as the glory teams of the past.

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 1)

2011-10-08T11:55:00.004-04:00

"David, wake up! We have to go. Now!" My eyes opened, but my mind was still half-closed, trying to make sense of the words in a sleep-induced haze. The reflection of light cascaded off of a black man's bald head. The man was hunched over me, his glasses hanging precariously on his nose. He had a full black mustache and a look of urgency on his distinguished face.

I wiped the crust out of my eyes in an effort to stall and allow my brain to clear itself of the dust. When I opened my eyes again, the man became more than his mere features. It was Herman Cain, Republican presidential candidate.

"David, we have to go. We need to get these diplomas to displaced Bosnians so they can make a life for themselves abroad after the war is over. I have a plan- I am the only one of us with a plan- but we have to go now." My confusion wafted back across my mind. All I could muster was a timid, "What year is it?"

"It is 1992. We must go now."

On the plane ride over to Sarajevo, Herman Cain explained the details to me. He had a backpack filled with BAs, BSs, MAs, MSs, Phds, and MDs. We needed to get them to their rightful owners. Bosnia had become a hopeless war-torn land. Its educated citizens were hoping to emigrate and needed their degrees in order to prove their worth in their new nations.

As we landed in Sarajevo, I heard gunfire aimed at our plane. The danger of what I was entering flooded into my blood. Herman Cain saw my fright and looked over to me with a reassuring smile. "Relax. I have a plan. It is a good plan."
"What is it?"
"It is based on the Chilean model. We will look in the phone book for the names on these diplomas. These people will likely not be home. So we will try to call their relatives and neighbors to locate their whereabouts and then return their diplomas to them." It didn't seem like much of a plan, but the uncertainty and illogic of war left me too petrified to think of anything better.

"Mr. Cain, I have one question?"
"Yes, what is it?" Cain asked in his usual upbeat and fragmented manner.
"I thought you hated Muslims. Didn't you say that, should you win the presidency, you wouldn't have a Muslim in your cabinet? These Bosnian diplomas seem to belong to Muslims. What gives?"
Cain screwed up his face as if shedding a mask, "Howda fuck should I know, it's your dream." And just that quickly, Herman Cain's robotic tone, complete with fully enunciated syllables, had melted into a comfortable and aggressive replacement. "Oh," I answered lamely.

Herman Cain and I spent the next few hours cooped up in Sarajevo’s Holliday Inn making phone calls and arrangements to return the diplomas. The plan was mildly successful in that we would relinquish all of the diplomas. Whether or not their rightful owner would eventually be the recipient, we didn't know. It could be a neighbor hoping to cash in on someone else's achievements or a person who by happenstance shared the same name with the educated Bosnian. Frankly, it wasn't a tremendously well-thought-out plan.

Every call that Herman Cain made went the same way. Each sentence was in a singsong fashion and choppy, providing enough time for every word to be pronounced properly and to allow it to sink in. "Yes. Is [name] there? Do you know where [name] might be at this juncture? I have [name's] diploma and would like to return it to [name]." At that point, either the other end of the call would hang up or make an arrangement to pick up the diploma.

We managed to return all of the diplomas at great peril. When it was all over, I asked Herman Cain, "Mr. Cain, one thing still bothers me. It's not why you and I needed to perform this particular task. It's not the time traveling." Herman Cain's hand rested on his chin, displaying a thoughtful posture. "Well, what is your question, David?" he asked calmly.

I took a breath and asked, "How did you get all of those diplomas?" Herman Cain's smile grew as large as the impact of the Bosnian war, "Niggahead, it's your dream." A giant lump the size of 400 years of history formed in my throat. But I realized that, in a sense, it was Herman Cain's history, so I guess it was ok for him to say that word. I decided to take it as a term of endearment.

At that moment, I woke up. Back in America. Back in 2011. Herman Cain was tied with Mitt Romney for the lead in the national polls of the Republican presidential race.

The NFL's New Holocaust Education Program

2011-10-05T18:35:00.006-04:00

In light of recent events, everyone associated with the NFL will be required to take the new Holocaust Education Program. Lessons will revolve around these key issues.

1. If you are ever forced to hide in the attic of your agent's mansion to avoid the media who want to interview you because you've recently left your pregnant wife for another woman, do not compare your situation with Anne Frank's. It's important to note that had Anne Frank been discovered by authorities (who did not have to respect privacy laws), Anne Frank would have died, not been merely inconvenienced by a third rate reporter from the Sacramento Bee.

2. Be wary of Hitler references. There will be virtually no circumstance where it is appropriate to compare someone in the NFL to Hitler. Comparing Hitler to someone outside of the NFL should also be approached with caution. Remember, Hitler is responsible for the deaths of 11 million people through the Nazis' systematic dehumanization of several groups of people. So, comparing Hitler with a leader you don't like is often akin to comparing Peyton Manning with Curtis Painter.

3. Better yet, don't make any comparisons with the Holocaust. People interred in concentration camps were treated as slaves, forced to perform difficult work for virtually no food until they were too sick. Then they were gassed. More than that, the Nazis constantly attempted to dehumanize these victims by making them stand out in the cold during role call for hours among many other degrading acts. A person in a concentration camp was under constant threat of death.

4. Ask a Jewish friend about their family history. Avoid agents and lawyers. Descendents of Holocaust survivors tend to want to help people, not steal your money, so ask your doctor and social worker instead; they likely had family in the Holocaust. They can add a personal touch to your ongoing Holocaust education.

5. Visit the US in Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC. Come with an open mind, an intellectual curiosity, and plenty of tissues!

Deconstructing Hank Williams's Comments

2011-10-04T18:59:00.004-04:00

Hank Williams Jr. compared Obama and Boehner playing golf to Hitler and Netanyahu playing golf. He later elaborated that Obama is the enemy.

As you know, I love a good Hitler reference as much as the next guy. In fact, just a few days before this controversy, I taunted another owner in my fantasy football league, "It's time to destroy a guy who has been mistaken for my twin and actually likes pulpy orange juice. You know who else has been mistaken for my twin and liked pulpy orange juice? Hitler."

The problem with Hank's Hitler metaphor is that it made absolutely no fucking sense. No matter what side of the political divide you're on, I don't see how Obama and Boehner playing golf together is bad. So, he's making a really stupid point to begin with.

But the use of Netanyahu is really where a simple Czarist pogrom turns into a Hitler-like holocaust. Netanyahu is, of course, the Prime Minister of Israel. Israel existed only after 1948. Hitler died in 1945. Netanyahu himself was born in 1949.

But even if we enter some mythical land where Netanyahu is the Prime Minister of Israel while Hitler is in power in Germany, playing golf could be a positive thing. For Hitler, it would be a good PR stunt. For Netanyahu, it would be a chance to humanize Jews in Hitler's eyes. At the very least, it's an opportunity to beat Hitler at golf and further dispel his belief in the superiority of the Aryan race.

How Obama and Boehner relate to any of that is totally beyond me. Much like the brown-haired guy on Fox and Friends who isn't Steve Ducey, I just can't wrap my head around the metaphor. But then again, I'm not hammered right now.

The Bills are 3-1

2011-10-02T18:52:00.003-04:00

This was a tough loss to swallow. The Bills were up 17-3 over the Bengals at halftime. The Bills had finished the deal against KC in week 1 and, of course, had two thrilling second half comebacks the last two weeks.

But credit needs to be given to the Bengals, who paid us back for the Bills comeback last season. They have a really good defense that held the Bills offense in check for the first time all season. The Bengals have a good running game and Dalton- though inexperienced- is surely no bum. The Bengals have finally transformed into a Marvin Lewis specialty after all those years of being pass-happy with Palmer and Ocho.

With the game tied at 20, Dalton scrambled and game up short of the line to gain, making it fourth down. It did appear that the refs spotted the ball a little short of where Dalton had stretched the ball. But, upon review, the refs moved the ball way too far, over the yard mark, whereas the ball didn't reach the yard mark before his butt hit out of bounds. The Begals were awarded the first down and went on to kick the winning field goal.

It's hard to win on the road in the NFL and the Bengals are not a bad team. Still, when a good team is up by two TDs at the half, you'd like to come away with that win.

Troy Davis and Anwar al-Awlaki

2011-10-01T22:17:00.001-04:00

It doesn't matter if you're an American citizen, if the government wants you dead, you will die. Troy Davis and Anwar al-Awlaki could be you or me if we say the wrong thing.

Baseball Playoff Predictions

2011-09-30T16:50:00.002-04:00

NL
Phi over STL - Phi over Mil
Mil over Ari

AL
NYY over Det - NYY over TB
TB over Tex

World Series
Phi 4-2 NYY

The 2011 Nats

2011-09-29T20:09:00.003-04:00

Though the Nats came up one game short from having a .500 record, it was a great year. The young players especially showed promise, though things were not always rosy. Danny Espinosa had 17 hrs and 52 rbis at the all star break. With a late season surge, he finished with 21 and 66, with a .236 average. Wilson Ramos captured the Nats records for homers by a catcher with 15. He had 52 rbis and hit .267, but his defense was the most impressive. Ian Desmond raised his average to .253 by the end and briefly hit well in the leadoff role.

Michael Morse had a breakout year hitting .303 with 31 hrs 95 rbis. He played a good first base, but the team might keep him in left next season, a position where he struggled. Ryan Zimmerman was hurt for the early part of the year and posted subpar numbers as a result, but still hit for .289 average. Jayson Werth did not have a good year after signing a huge free agent contract. He did finish with 20 hrs and 19 sbs.

Ivan Rodriguez didn't play much fo the year, but was a fan favorite on his continuing quest for 3,000 hits. The hitters, save for a few stretches, struggled this year. The lack of offense cost the team a winning record for the first time in Nats history. The defense, however, was much improved. So was the pitching.

Stephen Strasburg recovered from Tommy John surgery and in 5 starts at the end of the season and posted a 1.50 ERA. Tommy Milone was impressive in his 5 starts with a 3.81 ERA. Brad Peacock shoed signs in his 3 games. While the future looks bright, the present wasn't bad either.

John Lannan reached 10 wins, lost 13, with a 3.70 ERA. Livan Hernandez, a crowd favorite, was 8-13 with a 4.47 ERA because of a poor stretch during the dog days of summer. Jordan Zimmermann, coming off of Tommy John surgery was 8-11 with a 3.18 ERA and should be a staple of the rotation for years to come. Jason Marquis was 8-5 before he was traded and Chien Min Wang ironed things out after a shaky start to his comeback from injury.

The real story was the bullpen, particularly Drew Storen (6-3, 2.75 ERA, 43 saves) and Tyler Clippard (3-0, 1.83 ERA). Henry "MPH Rod" Rodriguez is a young powerful arm that hasn't yet learned to pitch.

The team battled through the bizarre resignation of their manager, Jim Riggleman, and endured the outdated philosophies of their "new" manager, Davey Johnson. The team managed to pull out a number of victories that appeared set to add to the loss column. The Nats were easy to root for in 2011. They're not a finished project, but with talent in the minors and a willingness to spend on free agents, expectations for the coming years are high.

A Week into Los Animales de los Diez Milliones

2011-09-27T16:31:00.003-04:00

Well, my fellow citizens, it's been a week since we implemented the program, Los Animales de los Diez Milliones, and it has not gone well. Instead of doing their jobs, our citizens have roamed the land in search of animals to pet and feed. They've done a great job too. But in an ironic trick of the gods, the better our citizens do with the task at hand, the worse shape the economy is in.

Within one week, our economy has disintegrated. Roads and buildings are crumbling. Sick people are not able to find a adequate health care as doctors and nurses scour the countryside for squirrels to give nuts to. The banking system has collapsed. The military has vanished. Grungy people can be seen all over slowly walking in a zombie-like daze muttering to themselves, "Here kitty kitty. Nice kitty."

As your leader, I have the unique ability to recognize when something is not working. Los Animales de los Diez Milliones is not working; not because it was a stupid idea, but because you, the citizenry, have not handled it well. As your leader, I feel it my job to get our country back on track. I will do everything in my power to turn things around.

Today's decrees
It's about time for a long vacation with my hot Tajik nurse Delruba. I'm going to my ranch to clear some brush and plow some land and yes I'm still talking about Delruba.

Lonely Planet has rated us as one of the top 10 nicest hellscapes to visit! I decree that you all give yourselves a pat on the back, you deserve it.

The Bills are 3-0

2011-09-26T01:15:00.002-04:00

Many doubted the Bills. Even with an undefeated record and playing at home, the odds makers made the Bills a decided underdog. But the odds makers don't know football. They look at the draft position of the Bills stars. They focus on "potential."

Down 21-0 in the first half, it looked like the naysayers were right. Sure, the Bills had come back from down 21-3 to the Raiders, but this was the Patriots. The Bills hadn't beaten them in about 8 years. The Patriots were undefeated too.

Ryan Fitzpatrick was determined to prove the doubters wrong. The Bills had cut the lead to 21-10 by the half. Tom Brady was struggling. The Bills scored again. Then again. The Bills had the lead!

But, as was the case against the Raiders, the opponent came back. Tied at 24, the Bills scored another TD. The Pats answered. At the end of the game, Fred Jackson nearly scored a leading TD. Instead, the TD was called back and the Bills kicked the winning FG.

To beat the Patriots is sweet. A 3-0 record, the only undefeated AFC team, is great. Shutting up people who have dogged the team is wonderful. But it's a long season. This was a statement game, but there are still 13 games left. Let's not get carried away.

2011

2011-09-25T23:58:00.002-04:00

This is my 2011th post. In 2011, I hope we are able to have empathy for our fellow human beings. Instead of justifying our actions at the expense of others, we should act in the interest of others. I hope that people no longer take up arms for the sake of power. Instead, they try to be a part of something greater and learn to share power.

I hope that we are able to focus on the positive. Nothing is objective in the world. We have the ability to perceive everything in anyway. It is up to us to shape the world. We can do it through a determined vision. Giving up faith in our fellow humans will never help anything.

I believe that things will continue to move in a positive direction. There is so much that is great about the world. And there is much that can be greater. We simply need to dream of it.

The Superfluous Pound-for-Pound Best

2011-09-21T23:56:00.004-04:00

Here is an updated version of my obnoxiously unnecessary and utterly superfluous list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The previous list was posted on June 22.

1) Manny Pacquiao (53-3-2, 38 KOs), [Previous Rank: 1]
2) Floyd Mayweather (42-0, 26 KOs), [PR: 2]
3) Sergio Martinez (47-2-2, 26 KOs), [PR: 3]
4) Wladimir Klitschko (56-3, 49 KOs), [PR: 4]
5) Vitali Klitschko (43-2, 40 KOs), [PR: 6]
6) Juan Manuel Marquez (53-5-1, 39 KOs), [PR: 5]
7) Timothy Bradley (27-0, 11 KOs) [PR: 7]
8) Nonito Donaire (26-1, 18 KOs) [PR: 8]
9) Bernard Hopkins (52-5-2, 32 KOs) [PR: 9]
10) Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (82-3-1, 44 KOs), [PR: 10]

The Nats Announcers

2011-09-20T15:09:00.003-04:00

I read that the Nats didn't pick up Bob Carpenter's option for next season. That's a shame. I sincerely hope the Nats bring him back. He's been with the club since 2006 and that first hand knowledge of the team's history is not something you can replace.

Carpenter is very professional and experienced. After all these years, he's comfortable to listen to. Sure, over six 162 game seasons, he's said some wacky things. But most of those wacky thigns came in during the Dibble era. His homer attitude has also largely eroded since Dibble left. The Nats should sign him for next year.

I like F.P. Santangelo and value consistency in the broadcast booth (unless an announcer is really terrible; for example, Rob Dibble or Ray Knight). Santangelo has trouble when a play-by-play guy challenges something he says. He flipped out when Carpenter tried to avoid the subject of Michael Morse winning a batting title and scolded Dave Jageler when the latter didn't accept that the Phillies clinching the division against the Nats for the fifth time was somehow a good thing. But if he can get past that, I like F.P.

I also really like the radio guys, Jageler and Charlie Slowes, so let's not change them. But Ray Knight has got to go. His analysis is so convoluted, everything relates to his playing days somehow, and he makes outlandish statements (such as Danny Espinosa is one of the best second basemen ever).

Los Animales de los Diez Milliones

2011-09-19T19:25:00.003-04:00

My fellow citizens, my hot Tajik nurse Delruba made a great suggestion recently as she was rubbing her bare breasts against my face. She always seems to have the best ideas when that happens. I wonder what that's about.

Today's decrees
Delruba loves animals so I decree that every citizen must take part in a new government program. This project will be called Los Animales de los Diez Milliones because our goal is to help ten million animals.

Every citizen must take off from work one week every month to care for animals. Each citizen must roam the city streets and the countryside in search of cats to pet, dogs to play fetch with, hamsters to feed those little pellets to, cows to milk, monkeys to mock, pigs to clean, snakes to avoid, and minks to not make fur coats out of.

Once we've helped 10 million animals, Delruba has assured me that our nation's economy will be strong and we will be able to invade and defeat her native Tajikistan, the nation that harbors the most notorious terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas.

The Bills are 2-0

2011-09-18T23:57:00.003-04:00

Down 21-3 in the second half, things bleak for the Bills. But this isn't your older brother's Bills. Ryan Fitzpatrick would throw for 3 touchdowns and Fred Jackson would run for two more when it was all said and done. Superstar Stevie Jackson nearly had 100 yards receiving and Jackson had more rushing.

The Bills managed to take the lead 24-21 early int he fourth. It seemed as if momentum was completely on Buffalo's side and the Bills might even cruise to an "easy" victory. But the Raiders came back to take the lead. The Bills answered. The Raiders scored another touchdown. On 4th down with only a few seconds remaining, Fitzpatrick threw the ball to a wide open Nelson for the 38-35 win.

The Bills are 2-0 now. They didn't win their second game last season until November 21. Coincidentally, that was also a stunning comeback; down 28-7 to the Bengals, the Bills won 49-31. You have to think all of those close losses to good teams last season helped. It also showed that Buffalo wasn't too far off last season from being a good team.

Next week is a big game against the Patriots at home.

Mayweather-Ortiz Preview

2011-09-16T22:30:00.003-04:00

The thought is that Victor Ortiz has a shot to win against Floyd Mayweather because Ortiz is young, strong, and a southpaw. Mayweather hasn't faced anyone with two of those components in years, let alone all three. Mayweather is also stepping into the ring for the first time since May 2010 and he's 34 years old. Ortiz is 24. The theory goes that Mayweather, who relies on his reflexes, has to get old sometime and this could be it.

It's an interesting line of reasoning. Perhaps Ortiz's left-handed stance will throw off Mayweather, but that is his only chance. Sure, Ortiz has power, but is he going to find the target? I doubt it.

Mayweather is just a cut above Ortiz. Ortiz's win against Andre Berto, in a hard fought contest, was a big step for him. But Mayweather is on another level. His defense is light years ahead of the easily-hit Berto.

Ortiz is easy to hit as well. Mayweather's accuracy is incredible. That is not a good recipe for Ortiz. Ortiz is extremely mentally tough out of the ring. But in the ring, there are questions. His quitting in the Marcos Maidana fight has been well-documented. He redeemed himself to a degree, rising from the floor to win against Berto. But how will Ortiz react when he realizes he can't touch up Mayweather and he's receiving pot shots in return?

Mayweather is not willing to take the risks that would result in a KO. But I see an easy and uneventful unanimous decision win by a wide margin for Mayweather. Ortiz is a good up-and-coming fighter, but Mayweather is one of the two best fighters in the sport.

Am I a Dwarf?

2011-09-15T23:21:00.002-04:00

Because I'm short, people sometimes ask me if I am a dwarf or a midget. My understanding is to be a dwarf, you not only have to short, you also need to be disproportionate in some way.

So, I guess I am a dwarf on account of my giant penis.

Cheering Death

2011-09-14T22:14:00.002-04:00

At the past two Republican debates, the audience has cheered for the death of their fellow man. Last week in California, the crowd hooted and hollered when the moderator, Brian Williams, mentioned that Rick Perry has been responsible for the most amount of executions of any governor in history. This week, some members in the audience yelled for a hypothetical 30-year old uninsured man who had faced a tragedy to die.

My instinct in both cases was to cringe in disgust. I wanted to distance myself from those who feel self-righteous enough to call for another human's death. That does not sync with my values.

But another urge soon struck me, a wish to understand. The death of over 200 people is a reason to cry for me, no matter how the justice system judges them. But not for this crowd of people. Perhaps they view the world in terms of good and bad. The good must be preserved; the bad must be extinguished. I can't relate. But I can try to understand.

When humans are suffering, I believe it the duty of all humans to help them. it doesn't matter if they've made mistakes in the past. The folks yelling in the last debate don't agree with me. Perhaps they feel that life is something that must be earned; we are all responsible only for our own. This is antithetical to my system of beliefs, but I know I don't have all the answers.

It's essential to listen to opposing points of view. Not all will be valid. But only through understanding a person's reasoning can we determine the validity of said viewpoint. By understanding other's beliefs we understand our own better.

Not Happy with Davey Johnson

2011-09-13T22:36:00.003-04:00

When the Nats announced that Davey Johnson would be the new manager, I was pleased. He's been a great manager in the past. I'm not one to criticize managers, but Johnson's tenure has, for some reason, seen me wax nostalgic about the great Bobby Cox.

Before the Nats came to DC, I was a Braves fan. I didn't appreciate the greatness of Bobby Cox until the Nats moved to town. Johnson's time as manager has had me thinking about Bobby Cox often.

When Cox had a young potential star come up to the big leagues, he knew how to use him properly. At first, he put the player in positions that would give a greater chance for success. As the player succeeded in those situations, his role grew.

Johnson doesn't have the same strategy. While most starting pitchers, especially Stephen Strasburg, are being unnecessarily babied, Brad Peacock made his major league debut in an impossible situation. I don't believe that the number of pitches thrown increases the likelihood of re-injury for Jordan Zimmermann or Strasburg. If they're going to get injured, it could come on the next pitch or a million pitches from now. They’ve succeeded in the 5 or 6 innings and 1 or 2 runs role; they need to learn how to pitch in the 8th inning of a close game when they've faced the opponent's lineup three times already. They're not being prepped for that situation.

Cox understood that confidence was very important for a young player to have. Johnson misses this point completely. He criticized an unnamed manager for pinch hitting for a young player in a key situation recently, arguing that he would want to see what the player has. Peacock, a career starter in the minors, is supposed to be a future stalwart in the rotation, but made his debut with runners on base in a 3-1 game facing Matt Kemp. Of course, Peacock failed. Johnson had set him up to do so. Peacock makes his first start tomorrow. Hopefully, he has forgotten that first taste of the majors.

The best team in the league will lose around 60 games a year. There are productive losses. Sometimes you sacrifice a starter or relief pitcher to rest the bullpen for tomorrow. This concept is totally lost on Johnson. He takes out Livan Hernandez if he's given up 3 or 4 runs in the 4th or 5th inning. It kills the bullpen, not just for today, but for the week. Cox knew how to play for today and tomorrow.

Oh Bobby Cox, any interest in taking the Nats job next season? Pretty please?

Bills Win!

2011-09-12T00:36:00.004-04:00

The Bills beat defending AFC West division champs on the road 41-7. Every facet of the game was working for Buffalo. Ryan Fitzpatrick, who the Bills sort of fell into, seems to be the short-term answer at QB. Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller make up a great RB duo. Superstar Stevie Johnson made a customary spectacular catch. Special teams was dominant. The defense was effective.

Hopefully, this is the first of many great Sundays for the Bills.

2011-09-11T12:53:00.002-04:00

Ten years ago, nineteen men murdered nearly 3,000 people. This was not an American tragedy; it was human tragedy. The lesson of the day was to value all human life. Division leads to cyclical violence. Anger is one of the grieving steps, but to be consumed by anger is unhealthy and unproductive. Compassion in the face of pain is the way to peace.

Yet, we have not learned those lessons. Today, the American flag is waved even though the victims of that terrible day came from many different lands. We sing the national anthem with pride even though that same nation is responsible for multiple wars and countless killings in the name of vengeance. We lionize men and women who travel to other lands and kill people for the sake of freedom. Supposedly, the injustice done to us is justification for our own murdering.

The true heroes are not those who take lives for their country. The true heroes are those who risk their own lives to save others. The attacks of September 11 provided heroes. Those heroes were the emergency responders who, in the face of murder, attempted to, and did, save lives. Anger did not motivate these heroes; love did. Honor did. Duty did.

But we do not honor those heroes back. We have not provided them with the health care that every person deserves. Instead, we continue to cheer death. We cheer death because we feel the self-importance to judge others. We rationalize our support for murder by believing that we are good and they are bad.

We don't have to like everyone. We do need to value their lives. It is not for us to judge the past of others. On September 11, 2001, my life changed forever. I realized that if the terrorists had not died, I could not advocate their deaths. Yes, they were responsible for the death of thousands. But it is not for me to judge. It is only for me to love, have compassion, and try to understand.

2,000

2011-09-05T00:28:00.003-04:00

This is my 2,000th post. The blog has provided me with an opportunity explore various sides of my personality and at times take them to extremes; hence, the unevenness of it. There have been moments where I haven't liked the result. In others, I have been immensely proud. This has been an important avenue to examine my development as a man.

The blog has been less a chance to share my voice and more of a personal creative outlet. There has been praise and there has been criticism. The blog has helped me to receive both with a grain of salt.

On the blog, I came up with the Evil Leaders League. I imagined myself as the dictator of a nation. I posted the results of the Jew Draft. I've become the place to go to if you want to know about neo-nazi Bill Riccio, find out the hidden meaning of YMCA, view pictures of ugly NBA players, and, recently, learn about Ricky Perry's vasectomy.

If this is the end of the blog, it has had a good life...

Retard and Invalid

2011-09-03T18:23:00.006-04:00

First of all, if a group of people want to be called a certain word (or not called one), it's important to respect that. But that doesn't change the fact that, today in our culture, people take offense illogically. Let's take two words: retard and invalid.

There is a push to ban the word retard and its accompanying versions. The preferred word of the day is a person with special needs. I won't be surprised when that phrase is deemed offensive in a few short years; I find it extremely condescending. The word retarded essentially mean slow. To call someone slow is surely not a compliment, but, it's not exactly offensive.

Meanwhile, a person who is sickly can be described as an invalid without offense. Invalid, in it's most basic sense means not valid, you just slightly change the pronunciation and that's supposed to make everything ok. Since you're not supposed to use the word in the definition, invalid also means lacking substance or not logical. So the person we describe as an invalid lack substance and their existence is illogical. But a word that means slow is offensive?

People often take offense independent of logic. Instead, offense is taken based on feeling. Invalid is acceptable, as far as I can tell, only because of the slight alteration in pronunciation from the word valid. Perhaps retarded is deemed offensive because of its harsh combination of consonants.

Retarded is like gay. It can be used offensively if spoken as slang to mean something is stupid. That retard is gay. That gay is retarded. Both are offensive. But there's nothing wrong with being gay or retarded. They're offensive only because one of the words in each sentence is slang for stupid. The other word is a descriptor of a certain group of people.

Let's take the word Jew. That man is a Jew. That's not offensive. I will jew that man. That is offensive because it is using a term for a particular group in a derogatory way. That's the difference. We need to need to look at the context before we get offended by certain words.

Admitting a Vice

2011-08-31T21:57:00.002-04:00

Few people know this, but I have been living the past ten years with a dark secret. This secret has influenced my actions and has been responsible for most of the negativity that I have perpetrated over the last decade.

I have a five Slurpee-a-week habit. Over the years, it has cost me nearly tens of dollars. I just can't stop, except for those periods when I leave the country for an extended period of time and have no choice. When I'm "slurping" (insider lingo), I'm just in ecstasy.

The Slurpee habit has cost me many friends. There can be a tendency to blame my incorrigible personality, my advanced level of conceit, or my propensity to continuously spew obscenities, but the Slurpees are the real culprit for those tattered friendships. Also, sometimes people just grow apart.

The Slurpees have caused me to dress up in women's lingerie. It is why I am a vicious racist. They were the reason why I picked the Steelers to win the Super Bowl last season. They are also responsible for the murders of at least six people (all Portuguese). Also, when I have a Slurpee a little later than usual, it can be tougher to fall asleep right away.

Please, I beg you to learn from my experience. Slurpees are a gateway vice to other, more perilous, vices such as picking the wrong Super Bowl team and murder.

Hurricane Irene?

2011-08-30T23:45:00.003-04:00

Apparently, there was a hurricane or something over the weekend. I was visiting family in New York. There was a whole ruckus, but I pretty much slept through it. it turned out to be a slightly-windier-and-rainier-than-usual day.

Last week, in the DC area, there was an earthquake, apparently. I didn't feel that either. I didn't feel a supposed 4.9 after shock either. I still half feel that it was all a big conspiracy meant to cause panic among te populace.

The bottom line is, I figure, I am impervious to natural disasters. From now on, I will live my life accordingly.

Lazy Writing about the Nats

2011-08-24T22:17:00.003-04:00

In an article "The Woeful Case of the Washington Nationals: an opposing fan's view," the author believes he has finally "figured out" why the Nats haven't been able to contend in the past three years. He then gives analysis based off of one game, which took place about ten days ago. Unfortunately for the author, the game was an anomaly.

The author paradoxically argues that John Lannan epitomizes the Nats, but if you take away his record against the Phillies, then he actually performs better than his team has. This "analysis" is based totally on winning percentage, a flawed stat for pitchers.

Worse still, the author says that "Washington is a team doomed by their mediocre pitchers and horrible defense." This is completely inaccurate. The game he watched was a terrible defensive game for the Nats, who have improved greatly on that side of the ball. Last year, the Nats were very bad defensively, but not this year. If the author had watched more than one game, he would know that.

He describes a misplay by "Danny Espinoza" (SIC, easy mistake when you've only seen one Nats game and have done no research for the article) and derides the rookie for poor defense. Espinosa has been a really athletic and smart defender at second; he simply had a bad game.

The author's of analysis of Nats pitching isn't as comically off base, but it's still wrong. The Nats pitchers aren't mediocre, they're wildly inconsistent. Jason Marquis is a better representative. When his sinker was on... wow. When it wasn't... yeesh.

The real problem for the 2011 Nats has been (what the author touts as their best quality) their offense. Save for a couple of stretches, it just hasn't been there. The author writes, "[They have] three hitters in their lineup who should hit about .300 or drive in about 100 runs (Ryan Zimmerman, Mike Morse and Jayson Werth)." They should (I guess), but they haven't.

The problem for the Nats the past three years has been a dearth of talent and inconsistency. Last season, the offense was good, the pitching was eh, and the defense was awful. It was a completely different formula in 2009.

I beg writers to know what they're talking about before making assertions.